My roof...My rules

<p>My son will turn 18 in six months. Because of the laws in our state he is a junior this year and will still be home for another year. Many parents seem to hold their children to the same house rules when their kids are seniors as juniors with respect to curfews, places they are allowed to drive, etc. </p>

<p>Lately I have been wondering if I will. When I was 18, I was out of the house and on my own. Many 18 year olds are serving our country in Iraq or married with children. </p>

<p>When parents say, “while you are under my roof…you will live by my rules” what rules are they talking about? I am wondering because I am starting to think about what rules are appropriate for my son when he turns 18. I’m wondering if it isn’t time for him to start making his own rules and learning from his own mistakes. But I’m not real comfortable with it. It seems like it might just be safer to stick with the same rules.</p>

<p>Any thoughts?</p>

<p>Kinda depends on the rules.</p>

<p>I do think that we parents have to force ourselves into a graduated loosening of the reins proportional to the responsibility of the kid. However, it’s kind of difficult to suggest specific rules in a vacuum.</p>

<p>What about the Golden Rule – as in he who has the gold rules. Also the do unto others bit … but controlling the purse strings seems to have more effect sometimes.</p>

<p>if it’s MY house and MY car and MY paycheck and MY money supporting the child, I expect said child, regardless of age, to be an active contributing member of the household. That means – tell me where you are going, when you will be home, and do NOT disrupt the household between midnight and 6 am under any circumstances less dire than immediate assistance is necessary. </p>

<p>The basic rules – all quiet by midnight, or earlier on schoolnights. Help with chores – dishes, laundry, lawn care, general cleaning, meal preparation. No overnight guests without permission. No use of cars without permission and approved destinations.</p>

<p>My son is 18.5 and away at boarding school. It’s a nice transition – and the rules still apply when home for weekends or vacations.</p>

<p>As long as you are supporting him, it makes sense that he respect your house rules, whatever they may be. Were he in the military, or living with his own wife and children, he wouldn’t be under your roof.</p>

<p>Depends on the rules.</p>

<p>The parents set the rules. But, IMO, if the parents are wise, some rules get gradually relaxed in a reasonable manner as the child ages AND (very big “AND”) the child earns the relaxation by consistently responsible and considerate behavior.</p>

<p>It doesn’t matter what his chronological age is, and it shouldn’t matter who pays the bills. You’re a family, and you live together. The parents make the rules in the household. (Unless you guys are really wierd :slight_smile: ) Of course, the rules you make should evolve as each member of the family grows in maturity, if you’re a wise parent. But that’s got little to do with the calendar. Some juniors are more mature than some seniors - the rules should fit the student. If you’ve been comfortable with the rules you’ve set so far I don’t see any reason to think that you’ll suddenly become incompetent once he can vote - and I doubt that he would realistically expect it to be any different.</p>

<p>I can understand where you’re coming from, especially since I was only 16 when I went off to college. Nevertheless, I agree with your premise (my house, my rules). Personally, I wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone, adult or kid, in the household just coming or going any time of the day or night, without consideration. As long as we are all living together as a family, it seems only considerate not to keep people up all night waiting for you, or wondering where you are. I don’t know if your son has any younger siblings, but the role model factor is another big issue, IMO. One other thing to consider is that although he may be 18 at the beginning of the senior year, many of his friends may not be. With all that said, we are lucky in that none of this has been an issue for us. A good, responsible kid should be given increasing freedoms and privileges as they get older. It really all depends what you’re talking about here -driving to a friend who lives an hour away for the day may be one thing. Renting a beach house post prom down the shore, however, is not an option, not that he’d ask!</p>

<p>During my daughter’s last year of high school I still had rules but they were negotiable. I was a benevolent dictator. There was absolutely no reason for her to be cruising around in a car at 2:00 AM but watching a bunch of movies at a someone’s house or hanging out at the local diner with friends until an ungodly hour was fine (on the weekend). She was not the type to take advantage so I was flexible. Even if I had made a big announcement when she turned 18 that there were “No more rules!” she probably would not have changed how she lived her life.</p>

<p>In my household the courtesies of family life continue no matter what age. People have to get up for work and need their sleep so the D must make a few changes from her college schedule when she is home…</p>

<p>-Laundry will not be done in the middle of the night.
-The H and I would like a general idea of where she is going and when/if she will be home (no curfew but after all, I am a Mom and I worry).
-Letting me know if she will not be around for dinner (I. AM. NOT. A. SLAVE.).
-If she has friends over on a weeknight I would prefer her not to start baking for them at 3:00 AM.</p>

<p>…all of the things that I would expect from any member of the family. :)</p>

<p>Elleneast, You must live close to me!</p>

<p>I think if the “child” is pulling their own weight- laundry, food, cleaning, yard, helping to maintain the house, I would bet the rules would be more flexible </p>

<p>As Elleneast says, common courtesy</p>

<p>My H calls to tell me if he is going to be late, my Mom tells me, i tell them, i give my Ds my schedule</p>

<p>at my house we all follow the same “rules” (we don’t really have any… these are just common courtesies)</p>

<p>you must either tell someone or leave a note when going somewhere, and don’t forget to say if you are spending the night or not, because we all know mom’s worry… nobody has to ask to go anywhere… just make sure someone knows where you are (my 7 year old cousin used to go to her boyfriends every day over the summer and noone said a word. it was quite funny… she would eat dinner then change into her bathing suit and annouce she was going out and then she’d come home around 8 or 9 pm)</p>

<p>you must clean up after yourself (this includes your room, whatever random things are out in other rooms, not leaving things on the pool deck, etc)</p>

<p>always keep the doors locked when not in the house - this includes when outside swimming</p>

<p>keep your spare car keys hanging in the kitchen. we have 5 cars and our driveway is 2 cars wide, so we always have to do rearranging to get everyone to fit. people will be pretty mad if your keys aren’t hanging there.</p>

<p>we don’t have curfews or anything like that, however junior licenses are only good until 11 pm here, so if you’re a kid and out later than that you either need to make other arrangements for a ride, or spend the night there. this really only applies to my little sister.</p>

<p>don’t have tv’s or stereo’s blaring at night… </p>

<p>try not to make too much noise cooking at 2 am (i once cooked a full breakfast with my best friend at 3 am… bacon, eggs, pancakes, and toast… and didn’t wake up anyone… i’m becoming a pro at it :slight_smile: )</p>

<p>we all take turns vacumning the pool and the common rooms of the house (living room dining room etc)</p>

<p>i guess they’re just all common things that everyone obides by…</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Fendergirl,</p>

<p>I have always liked your style but this tops it…I am sending my D to you for a lesson in how to cook quietly in the middle of the night!</p>

<p>Thanks for your replies. The types of rules that you mention are generally the rules that I was wondering about. He has a curfew (12:30) and he has to ask before making plans. There are places we don’t allow him to go…like concert venues that serve alcohol. If he is spending the night someplace, we always call to talk to the chaperone. We require he attend church with us on Sundays. There are television shows we don’t allow on in the house. He can use our car, if he asks and replaces the gasoline. He has chores. He really has never complained about anything but I wonder if they are appropriate anyway.</p>

<p>Wow, you are strict in my eyes, but that’s me…</p>

<p>does he have to clear everything with you? or can he call, and say, hey, mom, the guys and I are going to shoot hoops? </p>

<p>the church thing, “require” seems like something you ask of a child</p>

<p>i understand its under your roof, but how can a young man grow up and make even the most basic decisions when at 18 he needs prior approval for almost everything?</p>

<p>And after awhile, you have to trust…if you know the families and have for awhile, is it necessary to check each and every time at 18?</p>

<p>Our rules have been around a long time. He hasn’t complained and we haven’t changed them…except for extending his curfew. He does have two younger siblings and so the rules are pretty much for the whole family. Like I said, I’m uncomfortable changing them. It is easier to continue calling and talking to the chaperones because it helps me sleep better. But I know he is growing up and I need to start letting go. I just wonder if I can wait until he goes to college in a little more than a year or I should start earlier. I understand that every kid and home is different and so perhaps I need to figure it out myself.</p>

<p>shedevil, I don’t think that your rules are unreasonable, especially if you have younger children in the house. My suggestion would be to just wait and see how this evolves. If he starts to chafe at the bit about something, then that’s the time for you to reevaluate whether or not it’s an appropriate constraint. I’ve always felt it’s easier to relax rules than it is to start enforcing them after being permissive. It will just sort itself out, I think, without any big debate.</p>

<p>elleneast, just make sure your daughter talks to me and not my mother. i can’t remember the last time she cooked something without dropping SOMETHING on the floor… like a pot :)</p>

<p>Since you asked for opinions, I would have to say I tend to agree with cgm. With our older son, we made it clear to him that as he matured (not calendar age) he would have more responsibilities as well as privileges. He recently turned 18, but to be honest nothing much has changed, because in the last year we’ve been gradually relaxing his rules. For instance, I would never call to check on the chaperone situation, because he has never been in any trouble, and I believe his responsible behavior should be rewarded by our trust. I also know his friends and have met most of their parents, which has helped foster our trust. He knows that we trust him and why, and he also is aware that if he breaks our trust, 18 or not, life for him would drastically change around here. His younger brother complains occasionally because were more lenient with his brother, but we have explained to him that his time will come, and he will be treated accordingly. Anyway, every child and family is different, and you asked a great question, and the responses have been very informative.</p>

<p>18 is a milestone. In my mind, 17 is much younger than 18. More than a year. Perhaps it is because the law defines him as an adult. So, while I will continue to object to any illegal activity(he already knows my opinion anyway), I might need to let other things go. The courtesy rules will still apply…they even apply to my husband. But church might be something that I let him decide. Which I know means he will often sleep in. He’s not a morning person. And I might agree that he can go places I did not before. But I like sjmom’s advice to wait and see what happens. To him, 18 may not be a lot different than 17. It may just work itself out on its own. It’s just a big deal to me. While I respect him and am happy with who he has become, a part of me still wishes he was my little boy.</p>

<p>I guess what I think about is that 18 is a milestone, but its not this HUGE leap from 17 to 18…hoepfully its been a path, a trek, leading to this date on a calendar</p>

<p>Your son sounds wonderful and it appears you have done a very good job of raising him. </p>

<p>And yes, it is time to let go some. Not toss him over the side of the nest, but let him explore a bit more. Sure, he may error, but it sounds like he won’t mess up too badly.</p>

<p>Something to think about, and I am not trying to stir anything up, but maybe your son has ALREADY been doing a bit of exploring, and just not sharing all the information- maybe watching those shows you don’t like, going to a movie you don’t approve of, nothing too big, but just normal teen stuff</p>

<p>Its normal for kids to not share EVERY detail of their lives, no matter how wonderful they are…its part of seperating themselves from us and becoming independent, capable people.</p>

<p>My D told me recently about how she was dealing with some issues of her friends and handled them well. I had NO clue, but as we raised her the best we could and gave her values and morals, I didn’t need to be involved in all aspects of her life. She took care of business.</p>

<p>Just recently, we had a bit of a crisis during a vacation. left something behind at a location and it was going to take us an hour to get back and cost $$. Well, my little D, 14, negotiated free tickets for us, figured out the schedule to go back to location, got us on that bus, while she took rest of group forward to next destination. I was so impressed how she handled it all on her own and took that initiative. I think she was able to handle it because I have let her handle parts of her life and she is confident because of that- me trusting her, her judgement, and her capabilites without micromanaging her life.</p>

<p>Every family is different, and what works for us may not work for other families.</p>