My roommate won't help take care of our apartment

College Life
1

So, before I lived with my roommate I lived in the apartment with my grandmother. She moved to florida with me to help me as I started school. I love my grandma but you don’t necessarily want to live with your grandma as your babysitter in college so I found a roommate. Everything was great over the phone but living together is driving me a bit nuts. Ive already talked the ears off my boyfriend and friends so now I’m going to try with the internet.

Well for starters she got the good end of the stick. I already had everything you need for a functional kitchen and living room, cleaning supplies, food, etc. I didn’t hold anything back from her but let her have everything in my house. I invited her to a birthday party with my friends, made her feel comfortable, etc. We ended up getting a kitten together after the first month of living together. But here’s whats up:

We agreed to clean up after ourselves and not leave dishes in the sink before she got here. Yet the sink is almost always filled with HER dishes, I always put mine away. For the first 3 weeks I was coming home from 8 hours of school to empty and load all of the dishes (including hers) by myself. She had only one online class so she was home ALL DAY and couldn’t even put her own dishes away. So I started putting only my dishes away and thats been going on for the past month. Last week she had the gall to come up to me and say “when you do the dishes do all the dishes”. She asked me to do her dishes for her. Like, really? Really. That makes me so fricken mad. She never cleans anything around the house, I’m always the one to clean the floors and countertops and whatever. I’m not OCD, if I was I would have shot myself by now because the place is a reck, but I still like to be sanitary.

What else kills me is that she hangs out with my friends more than I do. Which I know is childish of me, but get your own friends. But what really pissed me off is that my friend had a birthday the night her mom and brother were coming for a visit. She decided to go to one of my friends houses after the dinner party while I went home and cleaned for 3 hours for her family’s visit. How messed up is that? If anyone should have staid home to clean it should have been her.

We ended up having to switch apartments within the same complex cause ours had a mold issue. She had to go to a wedding all 4 days of the move. I wouldn’t be so pissed off cause she couldn’t necessarily help having a wedding to go to but she didn’t pack her bed sheets (told me to put them in a bag for her) and left a big ass pile of TRASH in her closet for me to clean. She was home all day every day that month and didn’t pack a single thing in the kitchen or living room.

She only takes out the trash when we take my car. Otherwise it just sits on the floor for days until i take it out. The only shore she does do is check the mail, and thats not even a chore.

Also, I only agreed to the cat because I thought my roommate was taking her after I graduated. Wrong. She didn’t tell me she was moving back home after college. If I had known I would have said no to the kitten no matter how bad I wanted her. Her family keeps their two 50 pound labs in a small laundry room and the garage, they’re not allowed anywhere else in the house. Her mom is allergic to cats and wouldn’t let the cat anywhere near the living areas. Pretty much the poor kitten would end up in a closet with barely any food or water and a messy litterbox because my roommate doesn’t take care of her and she wouldn’t be allowed anywhere in the house. I can’t take her after graduation, atleast not for a year or two so my only options are to either give away the cat to a stranger or leave it with a close friend (someone who may not even be able to take care of her). We’re also both leaving for christmas to go back home and neither one of us can take her but my roommate refuses to leave her at a pet hotel so…?!

I’m honestly just fed up with her, there are plenty of other things I have done for her like taking an hour to get her bike fixed while she was at school and driving her to class now that she’s on campus this month, etc. She also wants to bring her dog here which would violate our apartment lease and I would also end up taking care of it because she isn’t home for most of the day. She’s irresponsible and acts like a child. Spent over $1000 er first month being here on stupid crap she didn’t need like $300 on books and movies when we didn’t even have a TV yet (my grandma took hers with her) and getting the $400 universal pass and $80 on a art commission that she didn’t need plus some. I know she could be a lot worse but I’m going crazy because of how darn inconsiderate she is. I do so much for her and in turn get asked to do her dishes. ugh

mod note: edited to add paragraph breaks and for language.

2

Is there anyway you could get a different roommate or move back with your grandmother? And in the meantime you may want to make up a roommate contract addressing the issues like the dishes and trash.,

3

You’ve got two options:

  1. Move out.
  2. Start setting boundaries with your roommate.

Option 2 may end up leading back to option 1 anyway, but if you want to try, there are some adjustments you can make.

First question: it sounds like you were in the apartment already, and your grandmother moved out and your new roommate moved in. Are you the lease-holder? is your roommate on the lease? If she is not, do you have a sublease? If your roommate is not on the lease and you don’t have a sublease, you need to sign a sublease agreement. You can find a template on the Internet. The most important part of that is to get a security deposit. It doesn’t have to be large - it can be $500, not even all of the rent, but it should be enough to cover any damage or cleaning you have to do after you move out so you don’t lose your entire security deposit. She sounds like the kind of person who would leave a mess at lease end for you to either clean up or lose money.

You need to sit down with your roommate, have a serious Adult conversation, and draw up a roommate contract. (You can make the roommate contract part of the sublease agreement if you have to do one, I believe.) It may help for you to practice saying things ahead of time with your friends or boyfriend or parents. Your roommate needs to agree to do her fair share of chores in the apartment. Maybe you draw up a weekly schedule for washing the dishes or maybe you divide the chores into “yours” and “mine” (she always washes the dishes while you always clean the bathroom and take out the trash or whatever makes sense). The division of labor should be mutually decided, discussed, but it needs to happen and it should be FAIR.

  1. Find your voice and tell her no. If she is not adhering to the contract, refuse to do her dishes. If she asks, just say “Jane, I would if you also did mine, but you don’t so I will continue to just do mine.” When she talks about bringing her dog, say “No, Jane; that would violate our lease and maybe lead to us getting evicted. If you bring your dog I will report you to the landlord, so please don’t box me in a corner.” If there is anything that she asks you to do for her that you know that you will resent doing later, say no.

  2. Stop doing things for her. If HER family is coming and she does not clean up before they arrive, don’t do it for her. If you are about to move apartments and she doesn’t pack her things, do not move them - and when the landlord gets rid of them, tell them it’s because they weren’t packed so you thought she did not want them (and charge her for any cleaning fees that the landlord charges you).

  3. Decide which things you are not going to worry about because they are Not Your Business. If your roommate spends money frivolously, that’s her problem as long as she’s paying her rent on time. If you want her to go in jointly on household purchases like a TV, you need to ask her about that and agree to it - you can’t just expect her to do it.

As for the cat…cross that bridge when you get there. You can take the cat with you when you graduate and find an awesome rescue organization to rehome the cat for you. If neither of you can take the cat, refer to Adult Conversation - put in the roommate contract how you will provide care for the cat over breaks. Either you need to find a responsible friend to care for the cat or you need to split the cost of pet boarding.

4

Please find a new home for your car now. Neither of you can be car-owners at this point. Plus keep the dog out.

5

Part of the problem is that based on what you wrote is that you are an enabler. You roommate knows this. She has figured that she can away with it and that you will pick up the slack.

First you need to decide how important these issues really are to you and how committed you are to making a change. Are you willing to move out? Are you willing to stand up for yourself? Are you willing to walk away from the relationship?

I would suggest that you discuss the situation with the roommate and try to set up FIRM and FAIR rules about chores and responsibilities. If either of you can’t or won’t agree to follow the agreement then make it clear that one of you will move out. A lot depends on who signed the lease.

Do not let her bring her dog. The landlord will kick you out and keep your deposit in a heartbeat. As for the cat, if it is young I would seriously consider giving it up for adoption now. It will have a better chance of being adopted as a kitten then as a older pet. Hard to do but you seriously screwed up getting a cat and now it time to be an adult.

6

What she said. Your roommate would drive anyone crazy, but it’s happening because you’re letting her. Have you ever said no to her?

Have a sit-down. Tell her you’ve had enough of being taken advantage of. I’m guessing she won’t understand. Ask her why she thinks it’s okay that you do all of the dishes and the cleaning and the everything else. She’ll probably answer either that you’re better at it or you have more time or that she doesn’t care – have a good solid answer for each of those, like “it doesn’t matter, that’s not fair to me. Do your share as you agreed or you’re out.”

Tell her that you’re not going to be covering for her anymore with things like cleaning for guests, and if she does anything against the lease, you will report her. FOLLOW THROUGH.

7

How is the lease set up for your current apartment? Are you the only person that has signed the lease? Are you liable for the entire apartment’s rent? Or do you each have a signed contract with the apartment complex, and each of you are responsible for one-half of the monthly rent? When is the lease up for this apartment?

This is important, for if you are legally responsible for the rent and roommate has not signed anything binding, then you could get stuck with owing a lot of money.

I would try to figure out if you can just get rid of this renter and start over with either smaller one person apt or find another renter. It doesn’t sound like this person is able to be reformed. You should still stand up to her and give it a try, but also start looking at other options.

If you can start over with new person, use the rule “speak up immediately” when something bothers you. If room mate isn’t there when you discover the issue, be sure to speak to them within 24 hours max. When you don’t speak up, others assume you don’t mind.

8

You have a lot of complaints about your roommate, but what have you actually done to address them? Have you actually tried talking to your roommate about any of this, or are you just silently fuming and wondering why she isn’t doing more around the apartment?

Most of these issues can be addressed by having a conversation with her and coming up with a schedule of chores. There’s a good chance that she won’t spontaneously start doing more around the apartment. She probably won’t start immediately doing chores with a schedule either, but you have to try something. At least, with a schedule, it’s not something vague that you both agreed to months ago–it’s something you can point to regularly when you remind her to do her chores. If she does not do them, do not do them for her. Keep reminding her to do them until she does it. She’ll keep letting you do all the chores, if you keep enabling her.

If you and her still can’t get along (even after you’ve tried everything), then you always have the option to move out.

Have you talked to her about the dishes since you she moved in? Just say that you feel like you’re doing all of the dishes, and you think you should both do your own dishes. Or if either of you don’t want to do that, then maybe you could come up with a schedule: one week you do the dishes and the next week she does the dishes. She’s not doing the dishes because she knows you’ll do them. And it sounds like you haven’t done anything to make her think otherwise.

Come up with a chore schedule (which can include things like doing the dishes, cleaning the floors and countertops, etc), and alternate who cleans what. Put up a schedule on the wall somewhere visible (after having a discussion with her about what you guys should do for the schedule, of course), and if she isn’t doing what she previously agreed to do (when you came up with the schedule together), then keep reminding her about it until she does.

Yes, this is childish of you. Get over it. You can’t control who she hangs out with, and you also can’t control who your friends hang out with. If they both like each other, then you don’t get to say that they can’t hang out with each other because they were your friends first.

Why on Earth were you cleaning the house for her family’s visit? Did she ask you to? Or did you just feel like the apartment should be cleaned? If she asked you to, then just say no. If you feel like the apartment should be cleaned, let her clean it. If she doesn’t care, it’s her family, not yours. Why should you care? I don’t understand why you were even doing this, and I don’t really think you have a right to complain about it, unless she asked you to do it. And if she asked you to do it, then you could have just said no, you don’t have time.

Again, have you talked to her about this? This is another thing that can be addressed when you both talk and come up with a schedule for chores around the apartment.

Put the cat up for adoption. Right now. Find another home for this cat. Neither of you are ready to have a cat, and you really never should have gotten one. Find someone else who can take care of this cat BEFORE you both leave for Christmas.

You can always say no, if it’s something you don’t want to do or if it’s too much of a burden on you. It’s nice of you to do things for her, but you don’t have to. Just say no.

Easy, say no. She can’t bring her dog here. It violates your apartment lease. If she wants to bring her dog, she can move out. End of story.

None of your business, as long as she pays rent on time.

9

Is this a typo because why would OP give up a vehicle?

10

As noted in the original post, the thing that needs a home is a cat. Easy typo to make.

11

Congrats, you’re a cat owner. Take good care of it for the next 15 years, if you don’t St. Peter isn’t moving any gates for you.