My sister is 18 and she won't grow up and I can't take it anymore. Help! (a bit long

Parent Cafe
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<p>Ok, I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m wondering what parents think, and I don’t know how to talk to my mom about it. </p>

<p>My sister is already 18 (still in high school because she repeated a year after transferring from a school in another country). The thing is, she seems like she doesn’t care about anything including her future. I’ve been taking care of things for her, even HER paperworks that needed to be done when she was starting her junior year, the year I was entering college. She couldn’t get those things done by herself. My mom even had to tell her to register for the SAT’s, weeks went by and nothing was done. Then my mom had to call me when i was living in my college dorm 5 hours from home to talk to me about my sister’s SAT’s and how she’s worried that my sister doesn’t care about anything. I returned home for spring break and my mom told me to help my sister register for the SAT’s. And YES she got annoyed at me and we got into a fight. Now she’s on summer break and does nothing except sleep and eat and watch anime. We’ve already given up on her applying to colleges. And no one can say anything because she will get angry and yell like she’s the boss of the house. </p>

<p>And for the past several weeks my mom has been talking to me about how she’s worried about my sister and telling me to talk to her. If she talks to my sis herself, my sis will just deny everything my mom. (My mom said that it was because she didn’t accept our parents’ divorce and blamed mom for it, and now she’s against eberything mom says.) I can’t even count how many times I’ve tried talking to my sister. She’ll just yell at me saying that I’m annoying. I’m so sick of it. People tell me that we should just kick her out, and some say that we need to be stricter, etc. I told my mom so, and my mom didn’t really do anything about it. She just complains to me about my sis and how she’s stressed out, and tells me to have a talk with her. She once told me that if something happened to her, I must take care of my sister and shouldn’t leave her behind, etc. I know that, but she doesn’t even care to look after herself. Is my mom planning to let my sister depend on me for the rest of her lfie? </p>

<p>Ever since I was young, probably 6 or 7 years old, whenever we got into a fight my mom would tell me that my sister was still young and that I was older and should be understanding. Then when my sis was 7, my mom still told me the same thing. I just feel like for all these years I was being forced to act mature to allow my sis to keep being a child. Whenever we fight, I’m the only one my mom is angry at. Last fall when I went home after my 1st week in college, I was doing my homework in MY room, and my sister came in and started watching a movie on her computer. We had an argument, I told her to think about others’ feelings not just hers, she told me I was annoying, went to tell mom, and mom was angry at me. So I guessed it wasn’t my room anymore. MY sister was using both her and my rooms, like she owned both. I decided not to go home during thanksgiving. My sister made me feel like there was no place for me in the house anymore. I didn’t want to go home to see her face.</p>

<p>I have my own life and future to worry about, and my sister’s life is not my responsibility!! It’s not like I don’t care. I do worry for her. I’ve tried so hard to help her do and learn things on her own just so she could take care of herself, but she just thinks that I will always be there to do everything for her. It’s not my job to take care of her when she’s already 18, not 5. I’m just so angry and confused that I wish my sister never existed. And tomorrow is my birthday and I can’t believe I’m being stressed out and crying because of her. I’m starting to hate her so much. I really think that if I didn’t have any siblings my mom wouldn’t have to make me go through all this. I’ve been giving into my mom and my sister and I don’t want to anymore. Now when she doesn’t even care herself, why do I still have to care about her? I’d rather be called an evil sister than suffering trying to be nice.</p>

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<p>I suggest that you suggest to your mom that she and your sister get into family therapy. You can’t be expected to solve your sister’s problems. Sounds like your mom needs some help parenting, and, yes, your sister needs some professional help with growing up.</p>

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<p>I agree with northstarmom. Your mom and sister need counseling. If that won’t happen, I would suggest a little “tough love” from your corner. Tell your mom what you wrote here:</p>

<p>“I have my own life and future to worry about, and my sister’s life is not my responsibility!! It’s not like I don’t care. I do worry for her. I’ve tried so hard to help her do and learn things on her own just so she could take care of herself, but she just thinks that I will always be there to do everything for her. It’s not my job to take care of her when she’s already 18, not 5.”</p>

<p>All you and your mom are doing for your sister is enabling her behavior. She’s not going to change because you are doing everything for her. It’s not going to be easy, and there will be tears, but you are not your sister’s keeper. I can guarantee that when nobody else takes care of things for her, then she will start to do it. And yes, it may take your mother kicking her out of the house for anything to happen.</p>

<p>I was in a similar situation as you- I am the youngest of 3 with a brother 8 years older than me. He got messed up with drugs and didn’t hold down a job and would bounce from relative to relative. I would spend hours calling around trying to find him rehab places he could go to until one day a person I talked to asked me “why are you calling? why isn’t he?” Which turned into a 30 minute discussion of how my brother was playing me, my sister and mom. He never had to change because he was never forced to. I stopped being responsible for him; kicked him out of my mom’s house and never looked back. He lived with “friends”, on the street and then finally, two years later he went into rehab on his own.</p>

<p>You can do it. Tomorrow is your birthday- have a happy one and don’t think about your sister. It’s your day.</p>

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<p>I agree with what the others have written.</p>

<p>It is absolutely not fair of your mother to make you act like another parent to your sister. Congratulations on being mature and having taken care of yourself to get as far as you have. But you are not responsible for her.</p>

<p>Just one question, though: Can we assume that your sister is in fact of normal intellect? I just want to make sure she’s not developmentally delayed in some way. If she is, that’s a whole different kettle of fish. (And No, you’d still not be responsible.)</p>

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<p>oh my goodness I didn’t realize that I clicked “submit” instead of “preview” lol.</p>

<p>But thank you very much everyone. I really appreciate your answers.</p>

<p>@VeryHappy: yeah, she’s normal. she’s just not interested in growing up I guess.</p>

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<p>OP- Your sis is angry, depressed, fearful about her life in a new country, divorced mom, broken family. Your sis refuses to do anything about college, her future.
You are angry because you are expected to parent your sister and instead of being grateful for your help and guidance your sis is angry and uncooperative towards you.
Your mother is helpless and expects you to be the parent.
You don’t want to be burdened by your mother and sister.
Welcome to being an adult. And Happy Birthday! You don’t want the responsibility, but face it you are the only one in the family who has it together.
So we heard your rant and want to tell you it is okay to let your sister fail. She can go to cc without taking the SATs. Maybe a job will help her mature.
Your mom will just have to deal with your sister’s anger. Tell your mom your sister does not want your help and you cannot force her to study and take SATs.
Try to explain to your mom that going home is too stressful for you, but if everyone can try to get along you might come home for the day.
Or stay at school and gather a good group of friends to spend Thanksgiving with and get a jump on studying for finals.
You can’t help your sister if she resents your help and your mother will just have to accept your sister is going to delay college.
Good Luck.</p>

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<p>I think that in addition to your mother and sister needing counseling, you might want to talk to someone too. Very often a person like you, who seems to have it together and is suffering from the problems and expectations of other family members, gets overlooked. It is obvious that your mother and sister need help, but much less obvious that you do.</p>

<p>Often, the sanest, most stable person in the family really needs to talk to someone. For instance, you have been indoctrinated to believe that you are responsible for your sister, from early on. Your mind tells you this is unfair, but your psyche and emotions will make you feel guilty if you don’t continue to parent her, even though it is harmful to you to do so. You may feel like you are “bad” if you do not do what you are asked to do, since these family patterns are so embedded. You may be afraid of losing your only family if you challenge these patterns or leave them behind.</p>

<p>Your mother is abdicating her responsibilities, and has foisted them on you. You may, on some level, not realize how “abnormal” this situation is. A counselor can help you attain enough detachment to see the situation clearly- and feel it too.</p>

<p>Sometimes organizations like Al-Anon and Co-dependency groups can help too, if insurance or money is a problem. Or, your college probably has counselors to talk to.</p>

<p>This is a major and continuing stress, and you deserve to move forward in your life. You deserve to feel angry and trapped. You deserve some normalcy. Good luck!</p>

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<p>thanks again everyone. </p>

<p>and, robbiez, I hope she is!!</p>

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<p>This sounds like my sister, but in a reverse situation. I am the younger one who has always had to take care of her. I started filling out HER FAFSAs when I was 14 and then I stopped a year later and she hasn’t filled one out since. She dropped out of college because she “couldn’t afford it” and yet has a brand new trailblazer, a new condo, and parties every night. She is 23 years old and still a junior in college!</p>

<p>Honestly, you need to quit being her keeper. It’s hard, but it’s for the better. She is probably not going to change with or without you there so you might as well make YOU happy. I told my sister to grow up three years ago and never looked back. We still speak occasionally, but as long as she is screwing up, I am not letting her back into my life to leech again. </p>

<p>Good luck, and tough love!</p>

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<p>I’m another younger sister who was always stuck taking care of an older sister who didn’t have her act together. It was one life-crisis after another, with our Mom always pushing me to help her or take care of her. After our Mother died, I had enough and stopped taking care of her. I still hear from sources that she’s asking for money and having emergencies on a regular basis, and every few years I still get a letter telling me about her latest crisis and asking for money. There’s a lot of jealousy and she tries to guilt-me over my life working out better than hers (I worked hard in school and then on a career, while she always made bad choices). </p>

<p>Being incompetent and manipulative is working for your sister. Your sister probably isn’t doing it intentionaly at this point, but it’s becoming part of her personality. If your family doesn’t want to end up like mine, see if your Mom and sister will agree to family counseling. Otherwise, tell your Mom now that she has to suck it up and do the parenting here or you’ll be parenting your sister into your 30s, 40s and 50s.</p>

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<p>You need to sit your mother down and be straight with her about the fact that your sister is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself and going to college. In fact, I don’t even think she should be your mother’s responsibility either, since she is legally an adult. Are there other family members in the picture that can help your mother understand that keeping up with your sister isn’t your job? A father? Aunt? Uncle? Grandparents? </p>

<p>Honestly, I wouldn’t bother with the SAT’s if your sister is not interested in going to college unless the high school requires that she take them for some reason. Time would be better spent helping her fill out a job application to work at McDonald’s so she can see what she will likely be doing for the rest of her life if she doesn’t get her act together.</p>

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<p>Wow, this is like reading my own life story. Weird.</p>

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<p>What Batllo said

Seriously! </p>

<p>Good luck and keep us posted on how YOU are doing. :)</p>

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<p>The only thing that I know to tell your parents is that you are not a parent, they are. It was their decision to have a child and they have to deal with everything. You can only offer help when you feel that you have time and other resources to do so. If you do not take care of yourself, then your parents are stuck with taking care of both of you. Tell them that you would lke to become more supportive of your family in a future but this involves investing time and resources in your own future currently.</p>

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<p>Stop doing things for your sister. The reason she won’t grow up is because she doesn’t have to–ie, there’s someone else to do it for her (you). If she suddenly had to do things herself, she will be effectively forced to grow up.</p>

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<p>Happy Birthday!</p>