Right, that does sound different, and it seems you have done everything possible to see if there is some sort of neurological issue that might be holding him back. He’s obviously extremely intelligent, so maybe, after all, he’s just outgrown his high school studies. I agree with @Bill_Marsh and @blossom that it would make sense to shift the focus now and celebrate his achievements as he moves on to college. He’s maturing all the time at this stage, and that will help him figure out what he is interested in as well as his own strengths and weaknesses and how to work with them. He sounds like a great kid.
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Time and maturity does amazing things!
And once in college he can create a schedule that works for him vs being in a school building 6+ hours a day with back-to-back-to-back classes.
Maybe he takes 12 credits vs 15. Maybe he schedules a break after a class to get some fresh air, grab bite to eat, or go over and complete his notes from the class he just finished, etc.
If he doesn’t get into a particular school, then it probably wouldn’t have been a fit for him anyway. (The only thing worse than a stressed, unhappy HS kid is a stressed, unhappy college kid.)
He’ll be just fine.
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Sometimes, particularly at gift-giving occasions (a holiday, birthday, graduation, etc), I will write my loved ones a letter mentioning some things that I particularly admire about them. As this is a time of year when many people give gifts (perhaps even for the New Year), you might want to consider writing him a letter.
Maybe it’s how loyal he is to his favorite soccer team, despite its long losing record. Maybe it’s his curiosity that leads him to reading about concepts that are not being tested in school. Maybe it’s how he’s always the first to come out and help bring the groceries in. Or how he gives the best hugs good night. Maybe he’s super patient in explaining a concept to a grandparent or neighbor. Or his valiant and heartwarming attempts to make you breakfast in bed for your birthday (even if the results were not entirely edible).
But just having some concrete documentation of how wonderful you think he is and how much you love him can be nice to have, particularly on any days when he’s feeling lower. And hopefully it can help reset his own thinking about how valuable he is as a person, regardless of whether he is meeting expectations he may have held of himself from years past.
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I just wanted to chime in to say how lovely this is. I think I will do that this year.
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Santa has left that note every year at our house! There is still time!
In recent years, I have made more of an effort to do this – whether in a thank you note for hosting or for a gift for all kinds of people in my life. It is a wonderful feeling to know that some “sees” you and values you - at any age.
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I had a couple of relatives that died from cancer. I wrote each a letter telling them about the memories that I had from knowing them.
Both wives told me that the letters were treasured and my FIL asked to read it again several times.
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Yes, of course. He knows that I and his father still love him, regardless of his grades. He is a good and kind person, and he knows that I hold him in high esteem as a person. We always expected him to get A’s, but we never punished him for getting B’s. He is a bit of a perfectionist, and has always engaged in excessive self-flagellation when he has not performed up to his standards.
I suppose that the main issue for me is that his current neuropsychological testing strongly indicates that he should be doing well in school, but he is not doing well in school.
I think I would like to give him more independence. Maybe he will mature in the future and get better grades. It’s hard to say. I still love him.
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Yes. I think I’ll do something similar. Thank you for the suggestion.
This thread can be closed.
Actually, I should add that I expect him to get good grades because I, perhaps naively, think that he is capable of doing so. I do understand that grades are not everything.
I graduated as valedictorian of my small public high school in suburban Vermont. I then attended a well-respected university in a large city. I felt out of my depth. The classes were difficult, and I struggled to make friends. I was miserable, and even failed 2 classes in my second semester. I eventually realized that I wanted to major in Economics and Psychology, made good friends, and got my act together. I graduated in 5 years with a 2.9 GPA, and am now happy in my career and professional life.
The flip side of this is my husband. He grew up in an extremely poor and underdeveloped region of his country. Due to his grades and exam scores, he was streamlined into the most prestigious high school in his country, and then the most prestigious university. His studies were interrupted by the outbreak of war, but due to his education, he was able to be in a comfortable position during the war. He then moved to the US, and has been professionally successful. If he had not been the top student at every school he ever went to, he would still be stuck in his 500 population village in rural Europe. He is the only person in his family to have ever seen the ocean.
It goes both ways, I suppose.
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I appreciate the latest suggestions but on paper, there is something not right and it will likely go with him to college. From your first post. They might not diagnose something but given how much he studies - if he really is - something is off (at least based on what you’ve written below). Sorry you can’t figure out what.
My son’s GPA is very low, by the end of his junior year it will likely be 3.13. This is despite the fact that:
- He receives extensive (and expensive) private tutoring
- He studies so much, frequently more than 8 hours a day on weekends
- He enjoys school and likes learning and academics
- He scored 1580 on the SAT with very little studying
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These are lovely ideas mentioned above. One thought before you have your thread closed- tests like the SAT are recognition memory. He clearly has the knowledge base if he succeeds with tests of cued recall. In free recall situations he seems to struggle with demonstrating his knowledge base/with the output of information. But he did well in a 1:1 testing environment. You mentioned that he is a bit of a perfectionist so he may be reticent to answer questions in a classroom if he feels his answer is less than perfect. This could also contribute to his not turning in homework assignments, especially if he has to synthesize the information and his work output will be “judged”, and feedback from teachers may make him feel his work isn’t perfect. What does he say when you ask him why he doesn’t answer in class or complete assignments?
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You seem to have already identified the problem(s). It appears as though group work + exposure to others in classroom + problem-solving are the things to work on. And the low problem-solving ability seems to underscore the fact that he is good at memorizing things but not so much practical application of concepts to scenarios.
Homework and class participation are all related to the practical application of concepts.
Jut from reading your post, that is where I think the focus needs to be.
When he is in class, or at home studying, does he have a lapse in awareness? There is such a thing as atypical absence seizures. Certainly not the first, or even fiftieth, thing to consider, but seems you have looked for the obvious causes.
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My nephew had these and they were brought on by stress in school! It got to where just talking about school could trigger one
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Do you see the disconnect here? You expected him to get A’s- and now he’s a “bit of a perfectionist”?? There doesn’t seem to be much of a mystery here. Did you ever say “Just do your best-- and try to learn as much as you can- and don’t worry about the grade?” Many parents of academically talented kids say that- hundreds of times if necessary.
It’s not too late for a reset before he leaves for college. His grades are fine. You seem disappointed that he’s not performing to YOUR standard- and now he’s internalized that message.
The world is filled with people who get A’s in life but B’s and C’s in school. Our world would be a pretty miserable place if we all went forth looking for a grade, right?
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I hope he gets into to the school you think he will AND that he wants to go. I know you have had extensive testing, but given what you have said, it really seems as if there is something going on with him. Appearing attentive but not being able to answer a “cold call” question, especially in a class that is not super difficult, seems like a red flag. That really suggests he is not “very attentive” as your first thread suggests. The testing environmental may be such that he can overcome the inattention, focus, and do well enough to mask whatever is actually going on. He scored very well on the SAT, which is a high stakes situation which may give him enough stress that he can force himself to truly focus. My very ADD inattentive kid did well on high stakes tests, but not so well on everyday school work.
I know you have been overwhelmed with advice on this thread, but unless he figure this out, college is not going to be any different. Getting him a therapist, tutor, life coach, something along those lines to really focus on how he is studying and learning and giving him the tools to change may be helpful. Depression can also bring on an inability to focus.
While loving the kid you have is of course great advice, a kid that is frustrated with himself and feeling low that he is underachieiving could really be much happier if he understood what is going on and that there are ways to improve his life.
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