My Son is Depressed

Parent Cafe
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<p>My son is depressed. He gets it honestly, if genetics accounts for any of it. Starting in my mid-teens, I began falling pry to serious clinical depression. I battled it frequently until approx. 5 years ago, whereupon it unaccountably loosened its grip. We’ve talked about his periodic bouts of depression in the past, but last night he came over (He now 23 years old and lives in an apartment with two roommates), and he admitted to me that lately, he’s been having a particularly hard time of it. He shared with me a popular web comic, called Hyperbole and a Half, created by a intelligent, insightful, and sometimes hilariously funny young woman. Allie is someone who is also, unfortunately, all too familiar with clinical depression, having battled it most of her life. She’s created some webtoons around the topic, and they’re among some of her most popular entries, apparently having really struck a chord in others who identify closely with her struggle.</p>

<p><a href=“http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html[/url]”>http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Reading this along with my S took me all the way back, reminding me of the despair I thought I’d forgotten. I found myself struggling to fight back tears, with my emotions running the gamut from deep sorrow to paroxysms of uncontrollable laughter (the end point of Allies dizzying and entirely too familiar tour). S and I commiserated over how closely we shared the experience of this struggle, and in that moment, I realized just how serious S’s depression had become.</p>

<p>He told me he believes his depression accounts for his long-standing state of existential and practical inertia. Despite having an IQ two standard deviations above normal (not Mensa level, but certainly decently above average), he’s always struggled academically. He works part time for a food service contractor, making ten dollars an hour. It barely covers his living expenses, which he shares with his roommates. He does not want to move home, as he said he thinks it would constitute a giant step backward, and only make him feel worse about himself. He has no confidence in his ability to finish any academic program, having dropped out of our local community college within his first year of enrolling. Searches for better paying jobs have been unfruitful. His finances are so tight that he can’t afford to sign up for healthcare, and is resigned to paying the fine under the ACA. There’s no money to pay for psychological counseling, nor medications for the treatment of depression. </p>

<p>I want to help him adequately address the problem, but don’t even know where to start. I’m embarrassed to find myself so stymied. Maybe I’m too close to the hot breath of this old nemesis to think straight. S has assured me that he’s not suicidal (I can’t tell you how this knowledge helps me to keep my panic in check!), but he feels like he’s functioning at about 20% of his normal capacity. If you’ve read Allie’s webtoon, you’ll get a pretty clear picture of his current psychological state. So I’m asking for help. It’s undoubtedly the case that other CC parents have experienced this struggle with a child of their own. I’m hoping some of you can provide insight and some information that could be helpful in addressing this problem.</p>

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<p>I would suggest he start with a full physical with his primary doctor. He should be prepared to discuss the depression with this doctor who hopefully can make a recommendation for a good specialist to see your son. </p>

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<p>Can you not keep him on your insurance until he turns 26? Medication can be really helpful.</p>

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<p>Because his is now uninsured, he has no Primary Care Physician. A completely out of pocket office visit would probably run 120 dollars or more. </p>

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<p>I talked with my H, and he’s under the impression that S can no longer be on our insurance because he no longer lives in our home. He seemed fairly certain of that. I don’t know if we can put him back on our policy if he were to move back home, but as I said, S doesn’t want to do that.</p>

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<p>I don’t think your husband is correct. If your son is under 26 years of age, I believe he can be on YOUR plan even if he lives elsewhere. Have your husband contact HR at his work.</p>

<p>Related…why didn’t your son get a subsidized plan through the exchange in your state? But that is a whole other discussion!</p>

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<p>Thanks, thumper. I will get H to double check about S’s eligibility under our policy. Okay, so now I’m showing my true ignorance (maybe I shouldn’t have avoided wading through those prodigiously long ACA threads X_X ), but I didn’t know S could qualify for subsidized insurance—though that certainly makes sense when I think of how contentious this issue has been all along). I thought the ACA was simply about making insurance affordable for most people to buy on their own. If S indeed cannot be on our insurance, we’ll have to disabuse ourselves of all the wrong assumptions we’ve been entertaining. :"> </p>

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<p>It looks like you may have to wait until the next open enrollment period…But I would check to make sure.</p>

<p><a href=“https://www.healthcare.gov/can-i-keep-my-child-on-my-insurance-until-age-26/”>https://www.healthcare.gov/can-i-keep-my-child-on-my-insurance-until-age-26/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I would still have him go to a doctor. Is there any clinics in your area that work on a sliding pay scale?</p>

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<p>I don’t know what state your in but I have a friend with a S in the same spot but he has no job. He now qualifies for MediiCal and pays no premium for his health insurance.</p>

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<p>If his income is low enough (and it sounds like it may be) and he doesn’t live in a state that opted out of the Medicaid expansion, he might be eligible for Medicaid, which is free.</p>

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<p>I would revisit the option of your son moving home. The financial stress will only continue to exacerbate things, and if he could move home he would have more options to address his condition. He might see it as a step backward in terms of independence, but it can take him leaps forward emotionally if he is able to use some of that money to see a counselor or doctor. He may only need to be home for a few months. It needn’t be a long stay. </p>

<p>A full physical may determine other contributors, but if the PCP doesn’t refer him to a specialist I would highly suggest seeking one out. Some PCPs are too quick to prescribe the latest medications, or those they have received recent samples for and are not well versed in combination treatment methods. </p>

<p>Other options include being mindful (mindfulness meditation and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy are gaining momentum in depression research), exercising, and keeping the mind busy. Depression makes it difficult to keep going, but when you break it down into tiny steps it becomes do-able. For example - it can be difficult to stick to an exercise plan. But don’t think about getting on the treadmill or lifting weights. Think instead that all you need to do right now is put on sneakers. After that’s done, all you need to do is stand up and walk to the kitchen. Then grab the keys, etc. Once you get to the actual point of exercising, your body will respond favorably and it becomes easier to run a little longer. </p>

<p>Does he enjoy reading? Writing? Tactical video games? Sometimes we just need to keep the mind busy so we don’t drown in our own thoughts. I think it’s great that you have such a close relationship with your son that you can talk about it - and empathy really helps - but part of overcoming depression is changing your cognitive patterns to not dwell on the things that upset you. He could keep a journal of “triggers” that make him feel worse and find ways to avoid them or overcome them. His tight finances might be one trigger, which is why I suggested he reconsider moving home. If he already has little self confidence, there isn’t much to lose but potentially much to gain if he makes wise use of his savings and time. </p>

<p>There is no quick fix for long-term depression. There is no single way of treating it. He will likely have recurrences. But by making small efforts a little at a time to change his behaviors, thinking patterns, healthy eating, etc., he can begin taking some very positive steps toward relief. But he has to want it, and he has to understand it can take a long time. I remember feeling much the same way when I was younger, and it can become too easy to get comfortable in that state and simply give up and accept it as your norm. He may need you to be his cheerleader and coach. </p>

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<p>Wow, according to the link MichiganGeorgia provided, S CAN stay on our health policy until he’s 26, even though he no longer lives at home! I wonder why H believed so adamantly he had to stop claiming S as a dependent under our FedGov health insurance policy. I’m embarrassed that we didn’t know that, but also ticked off, because we could have had S seen by a PMC over a year ago. Now, it does appear that we’ll have to wait until open season before we can add him back on our plan. Thank you, MichiganGeorgia! Mom60, in the mean time, it looks like we’ll have to see what State resource for low income individuals might be available. We live in VA.</p>

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<p>He should absolutely still be covered under your plan (I just had to check my own as I just finished school and am starting work and needed to check if I would be covered by my parents’ plan as well). A psychiatrist should be the first step just to get to a more stable, functional place so that he can pursue more involved treatment like therapy. But the fact that he can talk to you about it will be a huge help. Depression is such an isolating problem that just knowing that someone else understands can go a long way towards making it more bearable</p>

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<p>Does he attend a local support group for young adults with depression? I actually might help, although some might think it wouldn’t.</p>

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<p>“I talked with my H, and he’s under the impression that S can no longer be on our insurance because he no longer lives in our home. He seemed fairly certain of that. I don’t know if we can put him back on our policy if he were to move back home, but as I said, S doesn’t want to do that.”</p>

<p>Okay, good you realized you can have him on your plan now. Things have changed as far as this goes, maybe as currently as last year, so maybe your husband isn’t as wrong as one might think. Yeah, as painful as the ACA thread goes, sometimes it’s worth wading through some of it even if you have to skip through a lot of bickering!</p>

<p>I wonder if there is anything that might qualify for a “life event” as far as insurance, and putting him on your policy right now? Seems like it might be worth calling the ins company, or looking at the policy rules. But the fact that he even talks to you about it is a huge help.</p>

<p>On another note, is there anything he is really good at, or likes a lot? There are many paths to happiness besides academic success. Is there something he is obsessed with, that he loves?</p>

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<p>Less obvious qualifying events can be tricky depending on what kind of documentation your benefits provider requires. If he finds another job he may be able to get back on your insurance sooner, but the company may only allow it if he had insurance and lost it. Some companies won’t require any proof of the qualifying event. Mine does not - if you say you lost insurance, they just sign you right up. But they do suggest holding onto proof of the event just in case they question it later. I recommend you start asking “what if” questions to see what options you may have if your son’s circumstances change.</p>

<p>What kind of job does your son have? Some employers have resources for employees. I work in the retail industry, and even our part-time cashiers have an employee service where they can call and receive a few free counseling sessions. They also offer discounted rates if you need additional services. It might be another option to look into.</p>

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<p>I don’t know if S was actually ever formally disenrolled from our policy, though it’s likely that he was. We only received health cards for H and I when we switched from our previous policy to Blue Cross Blue Shield. The previous company increased premiums by 50%! I’ll be talking with H about it tomorrow. Busdriver, I don’t know what would qualify as a “life event” either. He’s not attempted suicide, thank God! There’s a lot we need to be specific in researching.</p>

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<p>A qualifying life event does not mean a medical emergency - it means that something changed in circumstance that now qualifies you to be added to another insurance plan. Such changes include the birth of a new child, marriage, divorce, losing a previous insurance, relocating out of state, etc. There is some gray area in what is accepted by insurance companies, and as I stated earlier some require specific forms of proof while others may not require anything. There is also a limited amount of time after the life event in which you can enroll in another plan. So if you got divorced 9 months ago, it would be too late to claim that as a life event and enroll in a Marketplace plan.</p>

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<p>@poetsheart, is your son in northern VA? The Women’s Center in Vienna (<a href=“http://www.thewomenscenter.org%5B/url%5D”>www.thewomenscenter.org</a>) offers psychological assessment and counseling with fees on a sliding scale. Despite the name, they provide services to men as well as women.</p>

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<p>What about calling and saying you noticed you didn’t have an insurance card for your kid, so what’s the deal? Or just adding him on as a life event if “losing insurance” qualifies, which it sounds like it does. I can’t imagine how they can even ask to prove that. Actually, he did lose insurance! He used to have it, and now it’s gone. Blue Cross is a big machine, they’re pretty laid back, I think.</p>