Hi parents, i’m a lurker who’s been driven to post because i need advice from smart people but I also want to avoid talking with friends and family about this (until i’m sure that i know what i’m talking about). I truly appreciate any of you who read this.
The background: I’m a mom of 2 kids – a daughter who’s leaving for college next year and a son who’s a current sophomore. They both attend an urban public high school that’s considered tough in some ways but also has an amazing energy and great parent support. My husband and I come from large families…all of us social drinkers…maybe a few siblings smoked pot in college (but long in the past) and none of us with children with (visible, at least) drug or drinking problems. I mention this because neither my husband or I have dealt with this issue first hand…everything I know about drug abuse I get from binge-watching TV shows like Breaking Bad on Amazon Prime.
So here’s the situation. Over the past year, my 16-year-old has grown very moody. Yeah, i know, they all do. That’s why i haven’t paid it any attention. At the same time, he goes through periods (all of this in the same day) where he’s tired and spacey…and other moments where he speaks in a huge jumble of words about current politics or local issues. He joined our school’s debate team this year and – much to everyone’s surprise - he started winning tournaments. And I mean REALLY winning tournaments. The debate coach is giddy.
But something is wrong…and I can’t figure it out. When he leaves for school, he always runs to his backpack, takes something out of it and puts it in his pocket…when he gets home, the exact same routine. He’s flustered if I stand there and waits for me to leave. he seems completely zoned out a lot of day but, as I mentioned, really crazy pepped up at other times…he goes into the restroom A LOT…and comes back out after 5 minutes or so. And then a truly odd thing happened over the weekend…I was talking with a sibling about another brother and said, “yeah, I told him to stop using Uber and get off that pricey addiction.” And my S suddenly said, "did you say “stop using Adderal”? and I was like, what? And then his eyes filled with tears…and this is a kid who NEVER cries…then quickly turned his head and went to other things.
Am i crazy? I may well be. But I truly wonder if he’s gotten himself into taking some sort of performance drug (like Adderal or Ritlin). And, yes, I’ve had vague conversations with him about it…
okay, ive written enough…any details i should fill in? I’ve been having trouble sleeping and I 'm not sure what i’m making up and what is real.
I have never been in this situation but my gut instinct give me 2 ideas: 1. make an appointment with a family counselor, pick him up from school, take him to the appointment and address it with a counselor present. 2. Ask him directly if he is using adderall or any other drug. He will get mad either way but you can start a conversation. Something is going on and maybe this will be the opening for him to share with you.
Adderal abuse is not that unusual. Or it could be something else.
If I am being completely honest, if I was in this situation I would probably snoop around in his back pack and other stuff and then confront him. Yes, I know, privacy and all, but if I was concerned, as the mother bear, I would do it.
It can be hard to know because teen behavior can be so erratic anyway.
Adderall is amphetamines under another name. It is speed. Abusing it can be trouble. I believe the OP is right to be concerned-- not that her son IS abusing drugs, but that he might be.
IMO, there IS something going on, but I think you know that already. I would not snoop-that breaks trust. I wouldn’t accuse or confront. The tears in his eyes were a cry for help. He needs you and he needs help. Don’t wait. Talk to him directly but kindly and compassionately. Tell him you’ll get him help- provide answers, more answers than questions. Do your homework first; contact your family physician or local help centers so when you talk to him you can give him choices. Tell him you will support him always and you will get him the help he needs. Addiction and drug abuse is scary, especially for kids! He’s probably really scared.
I have not dealt with this but my 10th grader has ADHD and takes Vyvanse. It works like Adderal or Ritlin. When we were trying to find the correct dose we ended up on too high a dosage for about a week. There were times he was zoned out and others where he was really wired up. I guess what I’m saying is that it might be that your son is taking a drug like Adderal or Ritlin. I would definitely get it checked out.
I would probably snoop too. Then have a heart to heart with him (regardless of what you find) with or without a therapist or his Dad present, depending on what you think is best.
If he is on some prescription stimulant, he may be sad to leave the extra energy behind but he will be grateful, very grateful, to leave the addiction and its lows behind. You can’t have those highs without the lows.
If you find nothing, and he insists he’s not trying anything, his behavior still calls for a medical consultation and work up.
One of my closest friends discovered quite inadvertently that her son was not only smoking pot heavily but dealing it in high school. No one could have imagined it. She was cleaning out some closets and found his stash, all labeled and ready for sale. She said there were no signs, but in hindsight, after a long 4-year journey through addiction for the family, she now admits that she should have paid more attention to his secrecy, new set of friends and changed behavior. He was a junior when things started. He has dropped out of 2 colleges and been arrested twice.
OP, if I were you, I would not hesitate to follow up on my instincts and the warning signs. I am not sure I would involve counselors just yet but I would certainly get to the bottom of things. If you have a good relationship with your son, find time to talk openly without rancor and tell him you will help him in any way possible.
Definitely trust your gut. His behavior does not sound like that of a normal 16 year old, whether from drugs or some other issue. I know some would say it violates his trust, but his safety overrides everything. I would search his backpack when you can and then his bedroom-thoroughly! We had experience with a family member addicted to a prescription drug and he was in pretty deep before he actually admitted it- even when directly confronted he had every excuse in the book. He finally hit a low and admitted everything. He started to help himself deal with pressure and then got hooked-he was so ashamed that it was hard for him to face it. He got help and he’s been clean for 5 years so there is hope! If your son’s behavior continues you also might use a drug test. Explain that you are concerned about him and must rule out causes to help him. So sorry you are having to deal with this but know you are not alone.
I have first hand experience with this issue. I hope things work out for you. I didn’t find any counselling to be usefull as nobody could really ascertain if drug usage was the cause of the behavior we were seeing. If he is doing drugs, you will most likely have to catch him with the drugs which if he is careful, can be difficult.
A long time ago (in high school) my son was hanging out with some kids who got in some deep trouble (drugs, dwi, bad accident). Our son was not directly implicated, but the investigating officer strongly advised me to have our son drug tested. It wasn’t easy, but we took him to his doctor and they tested him for drugs and he tested clean… (and we all lived happily ever after).
The highs and lows are exactly what my sister-in-law experiences with her bi-polar son. But the sneaking stuff out of his backpack and trips to the bathroom etc. suggest drug use. But maybe the drug use started to combat some biological symptoms from mental illness.
Trust your gut that there is … Something… going on.
It could be drugs. As @TheGFG said, it could also be the beginnings of a mental health issue. It could be both. Kids self medicate to deal with mental health issues.
Bipolar disorders can take a long time to be successfully diagnosed.
All I can add is to take daily notes on what you observe. It might be easier for you to see patterns, and it will give you something solid to refer to.
I have a few friends who have been through similar scenarios with their sons. One was eventually diagnosed as bipolar, one was using drugs, and one was using drugs to cope wth anxiety and depression.
If you don’t want to snoop, then follow thru with picking him up from school (with him knowing ahead of time) and snag backpack. Then either at home or doctor’s office, ask him what’s going on and see if he’ll confess without going through his stuff in secret. If you truly feel like he’s lying you still have the option to search, but by giving him the opportunity to answer your questions honestly it might help with future trust.
