My UF essay

here is my essay i wrote for UF early decision.

i love writing essays and i really took my time on this one since UF is one of my dream schools and i needed something really good to make up for the 1000 SAT and the 3.3 gpa…and input is cool but i did already send it…i guess u guys can say im different…i dont know if its in a good way or bad…but i tried to say it on this essay…

the topic is: “Step outside your home. What would you change about what you see?”


When I walk to my window now, all I see out of my apartment is a view of little more than congested traffic. The Miami weather is damp, hot and oppressive, and, looking out on to the street, I can see commuters, harried and exhausted, rush off to work. Everyone looks exactly alike, and I worry that my own uniqueness is being drowned. As I look into the distance, the city recedes into urban sprawl, forcing the countryside into quick retreat.

But even if there’s not much I can change today, my imagination lets me see the future as I would dream it. I wake up to the gentle music of my favorite radio station, and, slowly getting up, walk over to my balcony hundreds of feet above the ground. The sun has just come up through the clear sky and the view is lovely. Soaring mountains at the horizon mark the city limits, but the metropolis melts so gracefully into the plain that I can’t quite tell where the city ends and nature begins. The natural and artificial come together in a way that highlights the beauty of each. Tree-lined boulevards and rooftop gardens give the city its individuality, and I feel that, just as I am a member of this community, so am I a unique part of it.

My building is surrounded by skyscrapers, and, in the early morning light, they cast long shadows down onto the streets. Down on the street, I spot pedestrians and commuters heading off to work. Even from my great distance, all the people look different, and I realize that, even though they come together to form a living machine of amazing sophistication, they don’t have to submerge their identities to do so.

I worry about my city and my community. Most of all, though, I worry about the future, about the kind of world my children will live in. I want to do something for them, so that when I walk back from my balcony and see pictures of my family hanging on my wall, I can feel proud of the things I’ve accomplished for them and for those around me.

<p>You lost me in the first P, but I like the second. I wsn't sure why you began with view from window, as compared to going outside, but don't think it matters.</p>

<p>Better to begin more active, eg, "" view from my apt window..of busy downtown Miami street, ..congested traffic, bustling commuters. I don't get why they all look alike, unless its because of your vantage. why does it drown your uniqueness? What makes them look more individual in imagined city? What countryside can you see from downtown Miami?<br>
My problem not with writing style, but trying to understand how ideas flow together. I'm doing a poor job of expressing myself, so I hope others pitch in with suggestions</p>