<p>How could I help her. Maybe assertiveness is not for a 5 year old, but at least I’d like dd to learn to speak up for herself. For example, last weekend, we went to a children store. There were two small chairs in front of a tv, and dd was sitting down when another girl told her not to because it was her chair. Then she tried to sit on the other chair, but the girl told her not to because it was her little sister. My dd didn’t sit at all and went away from there. On another occasion, dd was playing with a friend and they were sharing a toy. It was her turn and it was short because the girl asked for her turn. Then my dd asked for her turn with the toy (longer time than she played with the toy), and the girl just ignored her. Dd cried because the other girl did not listen to her, and she didn’t her turn with the toy. These are two examples, but of course I have more to share. I’m getting really worry, and I don’t know how to help dd. I wonder if any parent here works with children or if a parent here had a similar experience with their kids. TIA</p>
<p>Since I seem to be the last one up I’ll give my 2 or 4 cents. First and foremost help your child to feel good about herself. Make sure you teach her to do lots of things, the feeling of competence leads to confidence. She is awfully young, yet I can understand your concern. Maybe you could talk to her and say that you noticed those other children seemed to make your D feel bad and see if she agrees. If she does you could do a little fun role playing and give her some ideas of things she could do when other kids push her around, just make sure you do it in a child’s terms, not what an adult would do. Just teaching her to say NO could be a big help. Many children especially girls avoid confrontation. I don’t know if it’s just their nature or they have been told to be a good girl and to share so often they don’t have the tools to deal with bossy kids. It’s a tough balance - shy, assertive, bossy or bully? I will say this, I was a non assertive kid and I am definitely not a shrinking violet now. Good Luck!</p>
<p>“My dd didn’t sit at all and went away from there.”</p>
<p>Well, I would too. Who wants to hang around a kid like that?</p>
<p>One of my daughters was (and is) very shy. It’s too early to say whether your daughter will have problems with shyness, but there are three things I can think of that will help regardless.
- Encourage her to participate in at least one extracurricular activity of her choice to the point where she gets really proficient. Karate would be ideal if she likes that activity.
The idea is to build her self esteem with genuine accomplishment. - Watch for bullying at school. It’s out of control in a lot of places, and nonassertive kids usually get the worst of it. It is not extreme to remove a child from a bullying situation if the administration is not determined to protect him or her.
- Kids should never be criticized for being shy/nonassertive. It’s a normal personality variation, and criticism makes it worse. You can help them by providing the best possible environment and emotional support.</p>
<p>Hey, I was a very shy and quiet kid and I grew out of it. I may have gone too far in the other direction as I just can’t stand being a doormat! </p>
<p>So part of it is to stop worrying and see how she develops. And part of it might be some gentle coaching including modeling strong behaviors (for example, if you get served bad food in a restaurant, speak up in a polite but firm manner). </p>
<p>And as someone pointed out, quiet kids have strengths. They tend to be good listeners. And many think before they take action. Find her strengths and praise her for them in specific ways. Don’t emphasize the negatives. She will come out of her shell as she develops confidence…this may take a while.</p>
<p>That is exactly the kind of kid I was; shy, reserved, scared to assert my independence. I still lack a little confidence because of my fear of conflict. All I can say is what I wish my parents did for me - because I’m the only child, I was left alone a lot. I think if I had had more interaction with kids at that age, I wouldn’t be so shy. So I would suggest encouraging her to do more social things - things that she enjoys and that she can also meet new people with same interests. It will build up her confidence.</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice.
" Encourage her to participate in at least one extracurricular activity of her choice to the point where she gets really proficient. Karate would be ideal if she likes that activity."
greenblue - dd is really girly, so karate wouldn’t work for her. She loves ballet; however, dd felt really uncomfortable in ballet class with the other girls who she didn’t know and who were more extrovertive. She didn’t want to go to ballet class.
She’s playing soccer now. She is ok with it because it’s a team with kids from her school. DD feels more comfortable because she knows the kids.
srw, i didn’t think about role playing before. I think it’s a good idea and i’ll give it a try.
toneranger, you’re right. dd may become more assertive over time. As for now, I worry because I know she gets fustrated and sometimes cries.
AndreyH, i was thinking about socializing more. I’m thinking about dd having play dates more often.</p>
<p>toneranger, we have something in common! I was the quietest field mouse of a kid when I was little. Absolutely non-confrontational. Just look at me now - where did the shy little girl go? :)</p>
<p>Involvement in team sports is good. Let your DD try other activities and let her choose something in addition to soccer (do not discourage her because you think she has no talent in something).</p>
<p>My D was just like yours when she was small. She just hated confrontation and didn’t understand why other kids never seemed to follow the rules. Part of her issue was that she was very mature and very verbal (although quiet in public). As a first child, she was used to being around adults and was, frankly, terrified of other “less well mannered” children. We helped her by arranging one on one play dates (didn’t do well in groups) and finding/encouraging activities that she enjoyed. Those activities turned out to be dance class (although she never said a word in class for 2 years), swimming, and piano lessons. She later got involved in theatre. It is always amazing to us to see her act so uninhibited on stage!</p>
<p>Result: she is now 18 and freshman in college. She is still not very assertive and hates confrontation, but she is coping. She seems to make friends easily because other kids see her as trustworthy and reliable. She has gained confidence in her areas of skill and is a natural, but quiet, leader.</p>
<p>My advice: Continue to be supportive; don’t ever criticize for being shy or reserved; emphasize all her great qualities; only step in if your child is getting “clobbered” (by another child or teacher); don’t solve all her problems for her; use role playing for new situations or to replay experiences (how could you have responded when that girl took your toy?)</p>
<p>I grew up with people telling me to " smile" and asking me what was the matter.
Hey- I am sorry it makes you uncomfortable, but I wasn’t a gregarious child.
Most important thing- embrace her personality as it is- and that will give her space to expand her comfort zone when she is ready.
Team sports are great- especially if you can keep with same kids.</p>
<p>My younger daughter was so anxious, that when she was 5, and we went to the dr, she hid under the table.
She didn’t really have many friends till she was in 6th grade, although she started playing soccer in 5th grade & was able to keep with the same coach & kids until after she graduated from high school.
She didn’t like going around the block, but when she was 18 , she went to India by herself for almost 5 months. ( her choice)</p>
<p>You are getting great advice- it’s ok to let your child do things at their own pace.</p>
<p>The teachers in pre-school thought my DD was a loner. I knew she wasn’t because she was always talkative and social with people she knew. However, what we came to find out was that DD was very particular about who her friends would be as she followed the rules and didn’t want to get into trouble by hanging around kids who didn’t (most of them, BTW) I signed her up for Girl Scouts and was the Brownie leader thorugh middle school. The friends she made there (5 became quite close) are still her firends and the friends she made in college are also still her friends. Is she very social as a young adult? No. But she is evolving. She ahs travelled all over Europe, did Study-Abroad in 2 countries, volunteered in the DR and is now volunteering, teching English in Chile post-earthquake. She travels with friends she makes where she visits and many times alone. Yes, their life experiences do help them change. Once kids start school and have some friends in their own group (even one created by parents) they become more self-assured. It’s OK if they aren’t. This is what the child is like.</p>
<p>Bunsenburner – i’m trying to get her into other activities too. I thought ballet was a good option for her since she likes to dance. But she didn’t feel comfortable with all the other kids around her, and she didn’t want to go. </p>
<p>Megpmom - thanks for the advice. I’ll make sure I don’t make any comments about her being shy. Role playing sounds like a good approach to help her. I wonder if role playing would be sufficient to help her deal with other kids who are overly pushy and/or bossy. </p>
<p>Emeraldkity4 – “embrace her personality as it is” I agree. My only concern is when dd cries because other kids don’t let her play with a toy (or whatever else) even if it is my dd turn. I know she feels bad and cries with so much hurt.</p>
<p>Sptch – it’s true dd is really young, and hopefully she will improve when she gets older. Dear dd has close friend since she’s in preschool. The main issue is that she has not learned to deal with aggressive/pushy/bossy children. And many times she cries because she doesn’t get to play with a toy (or whatever else)</p>
<p>I have a dilemma and need feedback. Up to now dd stays in the afterschool program which is run by the ymca. My dh thinks it’s best for dd to be around children than to be with a nanny. Also when we pick her up, we stay longer because we let our dd play with other kids. My concern - in the after school program dd has a friend who likes to get her way all the time and who is overly pushy and aggressive. I know my dd gets upset and complains about this girl. I sometimes feel that she gets really mad and frustrated about this girl. On the other hand, my dd and this girl play nicely maybe 50% of the time. My feeling about this girl is that she doesn’t know about boundaries. Even with me she gets aggressive and pushy because she wants me to play with them.
So I’m thinking what would be the best approach to deal with this situation. I know that wherever my dd goes, dd will always find a kid who is bossy/aggressive/etc. I’m thinking that maybe dd could stay only 2 or 3 days in the after school program instead of 5 days. DD could do some other activities. However, my H thinks that dd will be able to learn by herself how to deal with this difficult kids as long as she stays in the after school program long enough (one year or more). I disagree with him. I believe dd needs some help from us parents or caregivers to be able to deal with the aggressive/pushy ones. This particular ymca program is not help since they hired really young people who don’t have experience with children and whose educational background is not related to child development/education/etc. Besides the ratio is too high 1:20.
I’m trying to figure out what would work best. I want dd to be around children most of the time. So far her days are really long 8:30am to 6pm. My H doesn’t see any problem with the long hours. I think the hours are too long.
Sorry for the super long post. My main questions are
Is the after school program the best option for my dd?
Could a combination of after school program and other activities be a better option?
Would a nanny share situation with another kid be a better option?
Would it be better if I take dd to different activities (art classes, dance class, etc.,) ?
Or maybe I’m missing some other approach that would help dd?
By the way, my oldest is in college and doing great socially, but still I feel that I don’t know what to do with my youngest dd : (</p>
<p>There are so many theories about socializing young kids. I’m not sure anyone could tell you what is the right thing to do. I would listen to your child. If the child is “happy” in the larger Y program and simply vocalizing about one child that “bugs her” then it might be just fine to let her be for a while and sort out and make her own friends. If your D is unhappy, doesn’t want to go then perhaps you need to find a “smaller” group. Some kids are most happy with a couple friends or small group and some kids love being part of a huge group. Many, many kids have on again, off again friends. My oldest son who is now 21 has a childhood friend that is maybe a friend 6 months out of 12. The other 6 months they are mad at each other. If you were to ask each of them at any point at any given year of the 15-18 years separately they would say the other is their closest friend. You really need to read your D and listen to what you are hearing without putting your perceptions onto the situation. I found the comments from pre-school teachers, my day care person, and others invaluable in helping me get perspective on my kids separate from my own observations. How they “act” when we parents aren’t around is often more important than what we hear from the kids and observe.</p>
<p>momofthreeboys, thank for your comments…i didn’t think about it before. my dd is happy both at school and at the after school program. She’s happy to go to school every day and the after school program too. And, yes her teacher at school and the caregivers at the after school program tell me she’s quiet and tends to isolate herself. She plays with kids too, but her tendency is to be on her own. I notice that she pays a great detail to her drawing. She’s a very good at it and can spend a long time drawing and coloring. I guess she has a long attention span for her age.
I don’t know about this girl since it seems that this girl is her closest friend. Besides, this girl or any other kid, dd has trouble getting her fair share of sharing a toy or doing something else she likes to do.</p>