Naive adult child moving to BIG city

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My sweet, naive, trusting child has chosen to go to grad school in New York City… She will be completely across the country from family and everyone she knows. She has led quite a sheltered life till now… We live in a safe suburb where we seldom lock our home, and she went to a small undergrad campus where most of the students don’t lock their rooms either! She is trusting, kind, gentle, and ( I fear) clueless about personal safety, crime, and big city life. Fortunately, the grad school has its own housing within walking distance (downtown Manhattan), so she will be living with other grad students and such. </p>

<p>Any advice about how to make her more wary of strangers, aware of personal safety, less likely to fall prey to scams, and to avoid dangerous situations? I am hoping CCers can recommend an online video, website, program, or something for such. Mom lecturing “dont do this, don’t do that” is NOT the direction I want to go… </p>

2

<p>Here is a program Columia has. I wonder if her college has something similiar?</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.tc.columbia.edu/security/index.asp?Id=Crime+Prevention&Info=Safety+Awareness+Classes”>http://www.tc.columbia.edu/security/index.asp?Id=Crime+Prevention&Info=Safety+Awareness+Classes&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

3

<p>Honestly, she’ll figure it out on her own soon enough. Nothing will really make the message sink home until she arrives in the city herself. Most of public safety here is common sense anyway (don’t walk down poorly lit alleys late at night, don’t wave around fancy phones/tablets/whatever, generally keep a hand on a purse/bag at all times)</p>

4

<p>She will probably roll her eyes but buy her the book “The Gift of Fear”. Gave it to DD when she was living in a city. It was very helpful. </p>

5

<p>She will be fine. We live in a small semi rural town. Both kids went to urban colleges. It was a great chance for them to spread their wings and NOT live such a sheltered existence. As undergrads, there was a safety section of their orientation. </p>

<p>I’m sure your daughter will be fine. Sounds like a great opportunity!</p>

6

<p>I am going to knock on wood because I have lived in NYC for some time. People tell me not to wear my jewelry, carry expensive bags, yada, yada…but so far so good. I do not chat with people I don’t know on the street or subway. I’ll take subway early evening, but always plan on taking a cab home late at night. Tell her to always have her keys ready to get into her building instead of fumbling for them. New Yorkers walk fast and we do not look up.</p>

7

<p>The parts of Manhattan your kid will be in is quite safe if you look both ways before you cross the street. Seriously. That is the biggest danger. Well, that and getting over-confident and doing something dumb like leaving your phone on the table while you go to the bathroom or leaving your bag unzipped on the subway. </p>

8

<p>Quite honestly, I feel safer in New York City than I do in suburbia. There are people everywhere at all hours of the day and night. The usual safety rules that apply to young women elsewhere should be fine for New York City. Those and a little common sense!</p>

9

<p>Our S only had a theft when he foolishly left his cell phone AND wallet on the bench in the university gym near the end of his sophomore year and went to the bathroom. For some reason, he was surprised it was stolen. He was able to frankenphone two broken phones to make one that worked and tided him through the rest of the contract, whereupon we could all get new phones.</p>

<p>Both he and D learned personal safety soon enough. They did grew up fairly sheltered in suburbia, but knew they didn’t want to be victims and asked their friends for safety tips which they heeded MUCH more than they would listen to mom and dad. :)</p>

<p>D only had one problem–her phone was stolen when she left it on the floor of the theater where she watched a movie. <sigh> Fortunately, it was also near the end of the phone contract; she borrowed a phone until the contract ended and we got new phones for everyone with the new contract.</sigh></p>

10

<p>One of the most common crimes on college campuses is petty theft of opportunity due to leaving door and windows unlocked, or valuables unattended. Although NYC is actually one of the lower crime big cities these days, thieves are attracted to colleges because of students like your daughter leaving stuff unlocked and unattended. So she needs to drop such habits.</p>

<p>The other type of crime to be aware of involves crimes (both things like theft and worse things like rape or fights) after alcohol (or other recreational drugs). Being drunk, especially in a place where many other people are drunk (e.g. a wild party) greatly magnifies the risk, as drunk people may not be able to avoid or resist crime effectively, and other drunks may be less inhibited by normal social sanctions against criminal acts.</p>

11

<p>My S left his phone, well, everywhere, while in school in NYC, and left his wallet in Port Authority once. :open_mouth: !</p>

<p>They were always returned to him, even the wallet, including the cash in it. </p>

12

<p>The website Gonyc.about.com has a one-page, sane article “Is New York Safe?” Or “how safe is New York?” (sorry can’t link well from my phone). It’s got the basic tips for very uninitiated visitors. </p>

<p>My smalltown/LAC/petite D began grad school in Manhattan this year and quickly figured things out and adapted. 3 Basics when solo: walk purposefully with confidence. Do not draw attention to yourself. Be mindful of your possessions always. It’s not that hard.</p>

<p>In groups of friends, don’t get drunk then walk home alone. Groups are naturally noisy so if one girl peels away it’s noticed. Maybe give her a cab budget so if she’s unsure, she can taxi late night.</p>

<p>Show her how to use Hopstop.com so she can plan out a subway route independently before leaving home, and without displaying a paper map (touristy!). There are big maps posted in every subway station and most subway cars to check a route. If she needs to ask for help while on a subway, to confirm her directions, just ask a middle aged or older woman quietly and she’ll do fine.</p>

<p>Once she learns subways, encourage her to also try the bus. There are some routes and times when I prefer the bus – it’s bright, the driver is in same car, and in some cases saves some walking. Hopstop will show alternatives of subway vs bus, and give walking distances.</p>

<p>Above all, get over the idea that the city is full of people (men) waiting to do her harm. The men you might fear in your imagination would be the first to come forward to help your D if she were ever in any real trouble. New Yorkers help each other a lot, really. She doesn’t have to lose her kindness, not at all! Just add on the “pay attention” skill.</p>

<p>And yes, watch out for cars! The mayor here is working hard to reduce pedestrian casualties. Watch especially for the turning cars at intersections, or speeders. Every corner downtown has stop/go signals for pedestrians that are very important to observe. </p>

<p>But here’s how it happens: your D will get here and quickly notice other people’s public mistakes or near-misses. She’ll hear other grad students talking about what works and doesn’t. She’ll soon modify her own small behaviors to adjust. At least that’s what I saw in my D.</p>

13

<p>Ps, see if shes willing to try a light backpack/bookbag with a few zippers, rather than a purse, to carry everything. With both hands free and less to juggle, she’s safer. </p>

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<p>NYC is known to be one of the safest cities in the country. I don’t think you need to be worried. </p>

15

<p>NY can be a little disconcerting. When you first arrive, every panhandler and scam artist seems to be able to instantly sense that you are new, and might fall for their pitch. Learning to keep walking and shake your head “no” (instead of listening to what they’re trying to say) takes a little getting used to.</p>

<p>Women need to keep their handbags zipped and their hand over them. Pickpockets have been known to follow people (into revolving doors for example) and lift their wallets.</p>

<p>There will be plenty of oral information shared early on that will probably be far more valuable and up to date than the written stuff. Some years ago there was a scam operating in midtown where one perpetrator would carry a mustard container and squirt it on someone as he was passing him crossing say Park Avenue, and then run away. An accomplice was waiting to “assist” the defiled victim, helping clean up the mustard with a handy set of kleenex. Naturally, in the course of the cleanup he was attempting to lift the guy’s wallet.</p>

<p>The cars thing is important, but all experienced NY’ers know to look the other way too before crossing a one way street. There are instances where bicyclists and deliverymen for takeout places are riding the wrong way down the street, and sometimes they are moving fast. </p>

<p>Mostly its just common sense. Your daughter’s new friends will know what to do and what not to do. </p>

16

<p>I’m surprised no one has mentioned this yet:</p>

<p>When in a restaurant, never hang your purse on the back of your chair, and never put it on the floor next to you. Always keep it in your lap, under your napkin. If it’s too big to do that, then put it on the floor, with your leg through the strap.</p>

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<p>Our neighborhood sounds the same as yours. My daughter was very naive, trusting, kind, gentle, etc. She too, decided to move to NYC. She went with her employer and colleagues at age 20. I was so scared for her and I prayed for the two years she was gone. However, she returned home , safe and sound. She is MUCH MORE SAVY than when she left. She did get a few bumps, but nothing that left a mark. Just good learning lessons. And, her experience was great and one of a lifetime. She grew up so much and yet, is still the great, kind, gentle girl she always has been, just not so naive anymore. Just fyi, people of NYC are awesome. They are very kind as well, just really straight forward. Good luck to your daughter and her life adventure. </p>

18

<p>When in a restaurant, I ask them to bring me an extra chair for my handbag.</p>

19

<p>Most streets in Manhattan are safer than your average suburban Mall parking lot. </p>