I know weird title and subject
Do you know any narcissists or someone you suspect is one? I try to avoid and not engage but when I have to I wonder how you try to keep your peace of mind?
Also how do suspect someone you know is a narcissist?
Also I feel that narcissist is very overused.
Do old men with fake tans count? Asking for a friend.
I learned a bunch of great tips in therapy. Especially when you get tired of smiling and nodding. But the most helpful was remembering (and reminding yourself) that the narcissist does not represent the sum total of your support system, your personal validation, your satisfaction with your life. And keep reminding yourself of that when you are engaged in the arms race.
You can make a play list of your personal besties and just rewind and play in your head whenever you’re spending the day or eating dinner or celebrating a family event with the troublesome individual.
Good luck.
Have a neighbor who is a malignant narcissist.
The only way to handle a malignant narcissist is to refuse to engage with that person.
Please explain the playlist of your personal besties - things friends say?, things you’ve done?, music? This sounds as though it may be helpful.
I refuse to engage with (or vote for) anyone I suspect of being a narcissist. Life is too short to give any type of unpleasant person the time of day. I won’t reward bad behavior with attention.
Though I can’t control the behavior of others, I can control the boundaries I set for myself. I have no problem saying, “What a deranged comment. Please excuse me while I go fetch another martini.” Or simply walk out (which I’ve done more than once with DH’s family).
N raises his or her voice and looks like they are going to erupt in anger over something dumb (waiter brings a club soda with ice cubes, no lemon, a straw instead of the even more elaborate water the N wanted). Instead of jumping in to soothe, whispering to the waiter “just bring the bottle of club soda and a dish of lemon wedges”, saying ‘here, take mine” or whatever “calming the savage beast” tactics you usually use, you play in your head like something out of Mr. Rogers, “people get mad and then they get glad” and you sit, mute.
N interrupts you for the 5th time to tell you that you are booking your tickets for the family reunion “all wrong” and that you could save $100 by flying through Duluth. And instead of taking the bait and explaining that you don’t want to rent a car and drive 1,000 miles from Duluth in the middle of the night to save $100 or even participating, you sit and smile and play the tape in your head “I am a grownup. I am good at planning and logistics. I work hard and have a great handle on my finances.”
Or whatever the usual pattern of triggering, escalating, feeling diminished/criticized feels like. It’s tempting to play along “you’re right, you’re so good at finding budget travel ideas, why didn’t I ask you to plan the trip for me” which in the end makes you feel like a chump, you just retreat into your playlist of greatest hits.
So with some of our politicians (not to make this political, but to demonstrate), a Senator or congressperson would just sit mute when the insults and cutting remarks began. They wouldn’t affirm or argue with the narcissists observations, insults, comments. They’d play in their head “15 million people voted for me, and not the very capable and well qualified person from the opposing party. I am a diligent legislator, I understand policy and budgets, I am an ethical human being who tries to do the right thing for my constituents every single day”.
I see some of the dialogue that goes on when a narcissist in public life starts the rant, and would love to suggest therapy (not for the narcissist, but for the people who have to deal with it!)
The tape that plays in my head says, “Just leave.” I have gotten up in a restaurant and left, and I’ve walked out of a room more times than I can count. Why waste time with or thoughts on unpleasant people? Narcissists, in particular, hate being ignored or made to look small.
My MIL is a textbook case. I accidentally found the solution with her. Once when she was acting absurdly self-centered, I couldn’t help laughing uncontrollably. It enraged her. And took away her power. All I had to do thereafter was start smiling. She has dementia now, so it’s no longer an issue.
Ugh, I had an ex who was one, and I mean that in literally showing the various signs /traits of NPD. Took a while to figure it out because he did the classic love-bomb approach at first.
Thankfully I have none in my life now (no family I can’t avoid for example). Best approach is just lack of engagement imo.
I’d like to hear what are top 2 or 3 traits that you identify as someone being a narcissist. Not necessarily the dictionary description.
I can think of a couple people who have some traits. A narcissist trait that drives me batty is someone who turns every conversation into being about them. Every situation, every story. Drives me batty.
D1 had a boyfriend like this in high school. He wasn’t a terrible guy but I always felt he was very self-centered. Another person in my family is similar this way - can always top your story, dominates the conversation, makes it self-centered. Hate it.
In my experience making conversations about them is more just self centered than narcissist. The traits I found most glaring were a belief that they were vastly superior to most other people, but reasons meant that that wasn’t obvious/why they had not achieved the kind of money or success they think they deserve - so a combination of extreme arrogance and high envy (probably not explaining well). Significant lack of empathy, especially for anyone who wasn’t in their immediate personal circle that could benefit them, but even those people could be targets of lack of empathy if the circumstance was right. Complete cutting down of you when you fail to live up to being the ideal partner they seem to have identified you as (idk how this would work for a non romantic relationship). Significant manipulation (in my case I don’t think this was as far as gaslighting but I believe that happens). This was a while back, but those were the main ones that spring to mind.
Yes, I think a lot of people use the term as a synonym for self centered, from my past experience a narcissist is way more problematic than that,
To me, a narcissist is someone with selective empathy.
When they can be the hero, the one driving someone to chemo, the one who referred a doctor (and got them to jump the line) for the ‘top” person in their field, the person at the funeral crying as hard as the actual mourners with a story about how close they were to the deceased (true or not true)– they are a combination of Mother Theresa and St. Francis.
When it’s not about them, or there is no way to make it about them- disinterested. They go through the motions (because NOT showing up is not acceptable if someone will notice or think less of them) but there is no real affection or empathy.
Their upcoming colonoscopy is more important than your ongoing treatment for breast cancer. They got a letter to the editor published in the NY Times which is far and away and greater achievement than your kids Rhodes scholarship or your siblings Pulitzer. And they will cite the statistics on how many letters the Times gets every year to prove that it’s harder than a Pulitzer.
You lose your job in a downsizing and they want to bring you dinner (“I was really there for her”) but if you ask to be introduced to her last boss (who is actually in a position to help you find another job) and all of a sudden it’s “I’m not really comfortable asking my professional networks to help out a friend”.
I think people with inflated sense of self usually have very low self esteem. The narcissistic behavior is their way of coping with their insecurity.
Agree with all of the above - carry on!!!
I asked ChatGippity how deal with a narcissist. For brevity (there was much more):
To shut down a narcissist, remove their emotional fuel by becoming unreactive, boring, and firm in your boundaries. Utilize the “Grey Rock” method (short, neutral responses) or simply disengage by walking away. Key tactics include refusing to justify your actions, staying calm, and using phrases that avoid debate.
Strategies to Shut Down a Narcissist
Grey Rock Method: Become as uninteresting and unresponsive as a grey rock. Keep conversations polite but bland, providing no emotional feedback, which forces them to lose interest.
Disengage/No Contact: The most effective strategy is to walk away, stop answering, or establish no contact to protect your peace and stop their manipulation.
Set Firm Boundaries: Clearly state what you will not tolerate and stick to it without over-explaining.
Use Neutral Phrases: Use phrases that disarm them without escalating, such as:
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I can accept your perception of me.”
“That is your opinion, and you are entitled to it.”
“Noted.”
“That won’t work for me.”
Do Not Defend or Argue: Narcissists thrive on conflict and winning arguments. Avoid explaining yourself or trying to prove your point, as this gives them “supply”.
Use Written Communication: When possible, communicate via email or text to keep records and avoid emotional face-to-face confrontations.
What to Avoid
Criticizing them: This can trigger extreme narcissistic rage.
Showing emotion: Anger, sadness, or fear feeds their need for control.
Chasing them/demanding fairness: They will not acknowledge your perspective.
Warning: Setting boundaries may cause a narcissist to temporarily escalate their behavior to gain a reaction
Please don’t post ChatGPT stuff. Anyone can do that for themselves if they want and I hate hate hate AI. It’s a huge waste of resources for trivial things like this.
I have known some narcissists, but not in my everyday life. A very good friend’s dad is probably one. He has to make everything about himself. My friend is so good at dealing with him and calling him on his ■■■■■■■■.
@abasket I was wondering the same which is why I posted this question
Is the person just extremely self centered or has their behavior become narcissistic?
One of the things I’ve noticed is continuously lying. About things that aren’t important.
Trying to make every occasion about themselves. Good attention or bad. Trying to ruin your happy occasion by making something about themselves.
Extremely controlling. Will not accept any other way than their own.
Manipulative behavior and wanting you to do their bidding but refusing to do something you need. Not want but need. Once they get what they want, they don’t need you anymore. Everything is a one way street to them.
Being very friendly with people that are strangers or acquaintances but being very cold to people they are close to. Family members get the brunt of their bad behavior.
My approach even though I don’t know if this person is a narcissist or not. It was wrecking my feelings of self worth. I try to interact as little as possible. Don’t ask them for anything and try not to react.
I am not offended by your response. However, I live in the world of AI. I test it, experiment with it, engage with it, read about it, and ponder its effects on our future. Anyone CAN ask anything of AI, and I encourage them to do so for just one more perspective and to understand how it works as well as its limitations.
I don’t think this thread is trivial.
Wow, do we know the same person!? 