Navigating a hot/cold friendship?

Parent Cafe
1

I’ve had a lot of friends over the years, ranging from very expressive and affectionate to incredibly reserved, but I’ve never had a friend who managed to be both before, and it’s throwing me for a loop.

There’s a 15+ year age gap between us (I’m in my late 20s, she’s in her mid-40’s) and also a power differential–she was a supervisor when we met, though not my direct one. We no longer work for the same institution, though we’ve done some collaboration. I’ve known her for about three years, the first year of which she almost never spoke to me and actually glared at me many times when I spoke. I figured that she was probably just indifferent to me, which was fine. About two years ago, I went through a bad breakup, she found out through a mutual friend, and randomly sought me out to tell me how much she admired and supported me. This was the first time she had spoken more than 5 words to me, so it was surprising but also really sweet and helpful. After that, I guess we became friends. She invited me to parties, had me meet her family, and we would meet up every few weeks just to chat (the chats at my request, everything else at hers). She moved away about 9 months ago, and we’ve kept up through email, text, facebook, and the occasional phone call, plus I went to visit her this summer.

The thing is, I couldn’t tell you from day-to-day whether this person loves me or barely tolerates my existence, and it’s been that way since we became friends two years ago. On one hand, she’s completely ignored me sometimes when I’ve tried to get in touch. On the other hand, she’s repeatedly and enthusiastically invited me to things, including a party she threw for the “people she was closest to,” and when I tentatively asked her if she would want me to visit her this summer, she told me that she’d “LOVE” it if I came to visit. She often seems bored and disinterested when talking to me, and she can be bad about returning texts and emails in general (I once saw her phone and it had 40+ unread texts), but other times, she’s said/written some of the nicest things I’ve heard from a non-SO (that I’ve “brought her so much joy,” that I’m a “beautiful person,” that I “should know how wonderful I am,” etc). She’s also had times when she’s barely said two words to me and times when she’s run up and hugged me tightly, sometimes in the same day. One time, we went to a conference together, and she barely registered any interest in me all day, and then introduced me to her family–completely sincerely–in the warmest, most complimentary way I’ve ever been introduced. She’s totally stonewalled me at times when I’ve tried to talk to her about her life sometimes but shared with me a good deal about it at others.

I care about her a great deal, and I think she’s an awesome person. She’s actually told me in so many words that she (platonicly) loves me, and honestly, I feel the same way–I’d consider her a close friend. I never know how to act around her, though–like, if I talk to her, will I be cold-shouldered or receive in-depth advice and warm affection? If I send her a text asking how she is, will I hear back in detail, or will I get a two-word response, if that? Basically, my friend is either cold and distant or incredibly sweet and close, and it changes all the time, seemingly not in response to anything I do (we’ve talked, sort of, about it, because I was wondering if I had done something, and she seems to not notice the shift). I’ve wondered a few times if I should cut myself out her life for her own benefit, because she seemed so disinterested in me, only for her to randomly say or do something beyond kind to or for me. It’s sort of confusing, honestly.

Thoughts? Experiences?

2

I think this is about her, not your friendship. I don’t think she runs hot and cold, more that she has a different way of expressing affection and friendship than the one you probably need. I hate to sound like a cliche, but yes, I’m gonna sound like a cliche: I just think you and she have different love languages.

She may have issues with intimacy (the emotional kind, not the physical) and may be a poor communicator, as well as one of the “out of sight, out of mind” type people. If you do care about her, you’ll need to just lower your expectations for communication and accept what she gives when she gives it. It does sound like her dealings with you (when she’s dealing with you at all!) are largely positive, so I think that’s what I’d focus on. Most importantly, don’t let her moods be the barometer of your worth. You’re still worthwhile and competent, even if she’s not telling you so. Easier said than done, I know, but these are my two cents.

3

The thing is, that when she’s affectionate, she’s very, very affectionate (physically and verbally). When she’s not, she’s just… not. My best friend of 20 years is not an affectionate person at all (I think she’s hugged me twice in 20 years and told me she loved me once), and I am totally fine with that–I know she loves me, because I know her well. Another close friend hugs me at least four times every time I see her, and that’s fine, because that’s how she expresses caring. I have friends at various points in that spectrum, but they all seem to be pretty consistent, or at least have changes for logical reasons. With the friend I mentioned in my OP, it’s sort of all or nothing, and that’s the confusing thing. It doesn’t seem dependent on how I communicate, what we talk about it, what I say, whether we’re in the same place, how often we talk, etc. The only consistent thing is that people who see her interact with me pretty consistently comment that she must really care/like about me.

4

I read this and my first thoughts are you are dealing with a bipolar person. If there are times you enjoy her company and what she brings to the friendship, just go with it. Realizing and acknowledging it is an issue with her and not an issue with with you, I think you’ll handle it better. Don’t personalize it as something wrong with you. Just tell yourself, “Well, that’s just “friend X” being herself. I guess she’s in one of those moods right now”.

You need to ask yourself how much you get out of the relationship and if its worth the occasional angst.

5

@doschicos. I had the same thought, ‘sounds bipolar’.

6

Me too, but I was hesitant to be the first to put that in writing.m

7

I had a friend who was somewhat like that many years ago, and I think the issue with her was anxiety (my armchair diagnosis). She had had a difficult family life growing up. She really did care about me, but if she was tense, worried, busy with work or otherwise preoccupied, she would either ignore me or only talk about her life, her issues, and her challenges, and give very little attention to what was going on in my life. I think at those times she just didn’t have the emotional capacity to think about me, although she considered me one of her closest friends.

8

^^I also thought of bipolar or personality disorder when I read OP’s post

9

@psych_ - looking at your screen name I’m guessing that you and your friend are professionals in the psychology or psychiatry field. You sound very thoughtful and observant but your friend is clueless and careless in her relationships. If she’s a professional, that’s doubly telling. I don’t think you should expend too much thought or energy on this friend until she becomes a better friend to you. She is throwing you crumbs, big loving crumbs, often enough to keep stringing you along.

I have a friend who is a psychiatrist who I’ve known since he was in medical school. He initially started a residency in a different field and then switched to psychiatry. He had a hard time with that and I asked him why. “Psychiatry is full of crazy people”, he told me. I objected, thinking that surely people would recognize problems and self diagnose and generally be aware of things. He said not always, “for some people, it’s a perfect place to hide”.

10

I have a very close friend who will sometimes call 3 or 4 times a day and than disappears for 3 months. It used to upset me but I accept her as she is and when she is in " friend mode" she is funny and smart and when she “hibernates” I no longer get upset like I used to…it is just the way she is. in the past I vowed to never respond to her when she starts to reach out after going off the radar for a long period.but I do respond every time and since I enjoy her sharp wit and her different view of the world I take the quick bursts of friendship and accept the “check out period”
she maybe bipolar I do not know for sure… she does see a psychiatrist but she never says more than that she does see one and I know she is private about that so I do not ask for more info.

11

@greenwitch , actually this is an entirely different field–a side job I had while in grad school to supplement my stipend.

I want to be clear that I’m not trying to bash my friend here–she’s one of the best people I know, and I feel honored that she chose to associate with me. She’s helped me a lot, and I love her for it. When she is good to me, she’s incredibly good, and she’s never mean, just incredibly distant. I just want to be a good friend to her. I sometimes wonder if she likes the idea of me more than she likes me, if that makes sense.

12

Some people have their own demons and need space sometimes. I truly think it is less about you and more about her when she goes through her distant phases. The sooner you choose to see it that way, the happier you’ll be. You’re not going to change her but you can change the way you react to her shifting of moods. Even if I’m wrong, ignorance can be blissful. :smiley:

13

Thinking you should ask yourself if you are getting enough out of the friendship to continue trying to keep it afloat… And I don’t mean that you would ex her out of your life, but just don’t initiate things. Wait until you hear from her. So when she contacts you presumably that will make you feel good as she probably will be in her more affectionate mode. When you don’t hear from her just let it be.

14

I’m in the camp with the bipolar disorder. I have a friend that is hot/cold, too…and she’s that way with evetyone so I don’t take it personally. It’s not near as extreme as your friend, but it’s still frustrating.

What I would do is just wait for her to contact you, if you want to continue the relationship, which it sounds like you do. Texting , emailing and calling her will only frustrate you more. This will never be a typical friendship, so you have to accept that. If you need to learn to accept this for your mental health…it’s her, not you. Wait for her to reach out and enjoy her when she does. Enjoy the rest of your friendships between those times.

15

Can you observe if your friend is hot/cold with others as well, or is this behavior only directed at you?

Do you share mutual friendships with others that you could talk with? Not in a gossip way, but inquiring if they have heard from X recently.

If you could confirm through a little stealth research that X is hot/cold with others too, it might give you some comfort.

I agree with others who say stop pursuing friend and rely more on her to contact you. Be sure to engage with other friends as well to keep your life more balanced.

16

@greenwitch wrote

One of my acquaintances who is a psychologist said the same thing to my younger daughter when she was musing about going into the field of psychology/psychiatry. He added “there has to be a certain level of crazy to start out with to be able to deal with patients all day and not have their problems consume you.”

With regards to OP and her friend-my mother in law is like this, to the point where her avatar on my phone is Lucy yanking the football away from Charlie Brown, because you never know which MIL you’ll get on the phone-super nice or cold as ice, and it’s a reminder to keep her at arm’s length so she doesn’t hurt me.

I would NEVER go through this for a friend. It’s exhausting and stressful. Life is too short to wonder if someone likes you or not.

17

She’s distant often enough that you should consider that her default relationship with you. Enjoy her company when she’s effusive and invites you over but don’t expect it to last for more than the moment. You need to protect yourself from unrealistic expectations with this person.

18

Absolutely. Not saying this is the case with the OP’s situation but sometimes you just have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.

19

Some people as so caught in their own "stuff’ that they don’t see others very clearly. When you do come into focus, she sounds as if she really values you and apparently vice versa. But who knows what demons she is dealing with at other points just to remain functional.

I had what I thought was a good friend. We had long conversations every week, and I was there for her through some trying times.She is one of the more accomplished as well as hilarious people I know and can be very effusively generous in her appreciation. At at point though, I became aware that she knew very little about me and was not especially interested. Our conversations were about her, and our kids, only. So I let the friendship drop in terms of regular conversations, though we see each other on occasion, and she still makes me laugh. I think she is personality disordered, and just can’t see others very clearly. I have family members in this category as well. Sometimes they are wonderful! But I never trust it, as the wind will blow another way the next time we meet.
i
As I get older, I tend to accept people for who they are, and not have many expectations. However it is important to have boundaries firmly in place to avoid being hurt and disappointed, which does take a certain amount of psychic energy.