need advice for serious problem

<p>D just found out that her closest friend who has evolved into a boyfriend has a serious medical problem. It is a stressful enough time without anything added. I feel shallow reminding her to focus on her Sat and college apps. when she is so worried about her friend.<br>
Any advice would be great.</p>

<p>My dear friend's D was involved in a horrible equestrian accident at the beginning of senior year. She spent two months in hospital. Then, near the end of the school year, one of the girls' dearest friends was killed in an automobile accident.</p>

<p>Her mother didn't push anything. She simply provided support and lots of love and let the 'college' chips fall where they did. The D's senior grades dropped a full point as it was difficult to concentrate. It took months for her to process the grief.</p>

<p>Nevermind, she is finishing her first year at university and she has had a stunning stunning academic year, falling in love with Law and finsihing near the top of her class.</p>

<p>Her mother is such a wise woman.</p>

<p>Sorry to hear this. No advice, though. It's just too tough for me to contemplate.</p>

<p>I'm assuming the medical issue is of some gravity and likely to last for some time.
There may be two different things involved here: the amount of time your D is spending with her friend and the amount of time and energy she devotes to worrying about him. She can try to do something to curtail the latter as being unproductive. But as a caring friend, she would probably dislike herself if she did not invest time to be with her friend when he needs her. Can she go over what she needs to do in terms of homework and ECs? Are there some ECs she could devote less time to in order to attend to her friend? If her friend needs company, perhaps she could also organize for others to spend time with him.
Good luck to her and to her friend!</p>

<p>Thanks you all. Yes Marite it is something that will last for some time. I think at this point school can stay under control. She is off to a great start so she has some slipping room. I think or I know she will want to spend time with him. And I can't blame her. He has been her rock for sometime now and she will want to be there for him. For him it is also the end of his life and dreams that he has had for himself. He is a recruited athlete Div 1 out of a jr college and also was pondering a few professional team minor league offers. So I can only imagine what he is feeling. life definitely doesn't go as planned.</p>


<p>I feel so badly for the young man!
He and your D should try to come up with a regular schedule of visits so that your D does not get burned out by spending all her free time with him. It's not just because she needs to attend to her homework and her college apps, but also to give herself some emotional space. It will make it easier for her to be there for him during his long illness over the long term if she does not allow herself to be consumed by his needs at the beginning.
My thoughts are with both him and your D. How very sad.</p>

<p>mom60, I'm so sorry. Perhaps your D, or the boy's parent(s), can come up with some sort of schedule, parceling out which of his close friends will spend x amount of time with him on whichever day. If such a schedule works out, your D, and the other young people, will always be assured that the boy has someone with him all the time, and perhaps that will at least ease that kind of worry.</p>

<p>Mom60, I wish I had a simple solution for you --- this must be so hard for your daughter. Give her lots of love and don't worry too much about college - its importance pales when faced with something so awful.</p>

<p>Mom 60,</p>

<p>I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's boyfriend. Carolyn is right in that something like this puts everything else in perspective and your daughter has her priorities straight...her friend has been there for her in the past and needs her now. My suggestion would be to do as much as possible for her with regard to the college apps (for example, if she's doing them online, do all the time-consuming "fill in the blanks" such as name, address, SSN, you get the drift). Be her secretary and address envelopes, etc. Just leave the essays to her. Forget the is one test out of a lifetime of "tests" and as far as I'm concerned, she is being tested right now with her friend and is succeeding admirably in something that means more than the SAT.</p>

<p>Good luck and my thoughts are with you.</p>

<p>Marite- unfortunately I think she will want to spend all her free time with him. She is a kid who holds much of her emotions inside so it will be hard to get her to have a reasonable discussion as to what is best for both of them and what she is feeling. I think that until he has a clearer picture of what course of action they will take she is expending alot of energy when not much is happening. He is scheduled to go to another Dr several hours away at a University Med Center.
Dad is pushing for her to just take the last SAT 2's in Nov and get them over with and then deal with the SAT again in Dec if she feels like it. I am leaning towards advising her to put off the SAT 2's till Dec and live with her SAT score. I think I will have to get her to sit down and make a plan for the next 2 months. If he ends up with a major surgery in the next month I don't see her getting much of anything done.<br>
Luckily we got the safety school app in on Friday.<br>
Momofonly- I will offer to be the secretary. I appreciate all your advice. Hope all is going well with your D's apps. Did she already hear back from U of O.</p>


<p>It's so much easier to give advice than to be the one having to deal with such a heart-breaking situation. But if I may give your D some advice, please ask her to conserve her strength and energy (including emotional energy) for the sake of her friend. She needs to be there for him for the long term, not just a few weeks. When she is not with her friend, she needs to take her mind away from his problems some of the time, in order to recharge mentally and emotionally; focusing on what she needs to do for college is as good a way of doing so as any. This is not being selfish--which I am sure she would not want to be--but being prudent and acting for his good. She won't be much good to her friend if she collapses under the stress, and he will surely feel badly if she, in turn, does not do well in school or neglects her college application. This is what I assume he will feel from your description of him as "her rock."</p>


<p>If I remember correctly, I think your daughter had a good SAT I score and that you had said she did poorly on the SAT II US History (mine did, too...REALLY badly :) ) So, I would tend to agree with you as far as putting off the II's until December and just leaving the SAT I score as is. </p>

<p>My daughter did get accepted to University of was her easiest application and she was notified very quickly, like within 2 weeks. She was also accepted to Purdue and we're still waiting to hear from the others (she initially applied to 7 and is doing her Cal Poly SLO and UC's this week, I hope). Did your daughter come up with a final list?</p>

<p>I am sorry to hear about your daughter's friend. The only advice that I can offer is that YOU stay strong, so that you can be there for her so that she can come to you for the guidance, love and support, she needs to get her through this difficult time in her life.</p>

<p>I would also suggest that you ask her what does she need from you, and let her know that no matter what happens that you will support and be supportive of any decisions that she makes.</p>

<p>Our hearts and our prayers go out to all of you.</p>

<p>Marite- you are a very wise woman. At lunch today we talked a little and struggled a bit to communicate. I used some of your wisdom so I hope some of it sinks in. </p>

<p>Momofonly- Glad to hear about Oregon. She sent hers off online on Friday. So we beat the Nov 1 deadline for early notification. Before all this happened she was feeling not excited about any of the schools on her list. I think she was thinking she needed to revamp it. I don't know what she will do now. I am glad she has one done. If in the end it is the only 1 beside the UC. that will be fine with me. I know her that in the end she will get them done (and probably quite well done) it will just be painful for the entire family as she does not do stress very well. During the lunch talk today she said she will not retake the SAT. And she will take the SAT 2's whenever I want her to (not said in a rational way) then said she will take them in Nov so she can
stop having me remind her to study. She is signed up for both so I think we will just leave it and decide at the last minute.<br>
She naturally is a roller coaster of emotions so now it is even worse. I am hoping for her friends sake that she gets it together so he can concentrate on himself without also worrying about her.</p>


<p>I really do feel for you right now. It's a really stressful time for these kids without having additional concerns and pressures in their lives. I know that you are really concerned about her friend and yet, at the same time, I understand how you feel about also wanting her to be able to do her best in the application process. It's a really tough situation to be in when all you want is the best for her. Give her a few days to come to grips with the situation with her friend and see what happens. And please keep us posted as to how she's doing.</p>