<p>I have found this forum to be a place of useful advice from mature adults who have been around a few times, especially with dealing with my Asperger’s syndrome, so I would like to once again tap this forum for some advice regarding a situation.</p>
<p>Two days ago, I found a friend’s (former friend’s) physics textbook under where she sits in a class that takes place a few hours earlier in the same room. Since she was not around, I picked up the textbook and tried to contact her using all means available to me to inform her about the missing textbook, but to no avail. I finally was able to talk to her this morning and explain that she had lost her textbook. Her reaction is a prime reason I feel that the ECE students, except for a few seniors (I’m finishing up ECE junior year and am around mostly juniors), act extremely hostile towards me, saying things like I’m a “pathetic *******” and accusing me of things that are untrue just because of the symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome that I feel.</p>
<p>She basically said that “I went through hell” because of the lost textbook and that I should not have picked up the book, even though she was not at that room for the rest of the day so the textbook would have been there for a long time and anything could have happened to it. She told me that I shouldn’t do things like that again. What was she thinking, saying something like that to me? It makes me feel like I should not have returned the book to her if she would act that hostile towards me.</p>
<p>This is one example of the hostility that is affecting myself, a student with the highest engineering GPA in ECE at my college, and will destroy his grades because he is distracted by this environment.</p>
<p>By the way, this girl has an internship with Boeing this summer, so I also want to know if losing a textbook could also have affected that internship. I also don’t know what she meant by “I went through hell”.</p>
<p>Any input would be appreciated. Thank you so much.</p>
<p>Human interactions are challenging for any one. I apprecaite your strength in trying to figure things out. People can be rude and insensitive. Perhaps she is the “pathetic” one.</p>
<p>She really overreacted, but sometimes when people are in a panic and need something, they do that.</p>
<p>Next time, just give the professor the book. They will know what to do with it. The girl might have gone back to the class and looked for it, and maybe missed something else to do that, and when the book wasn’t there she freaked out. She might have had to borrow a book to get work done and that could have been difficult. Are any big projects coming up or finals? That could make her stress even more.</p>
<p>Your heart was in the right place, but sometimes people don’t appreciate when someone tries to do something nice. </p>
<p>That still does not forgive her for being so mean. As for her internship, don’t worry. A misplaced book for a couple of days won’t do any harm. SHe as the internship already.</p>
<p>It is sad that people don’t understand what Aspergers is. I have done a bit of reading and I know a little. Some of these ECE people sound very immarture and stressed. They need to learn some compassion. That being said, I am not sure they will change. What you need to do is relax a little. Step back and maybe not push so hard to make friends. Friends kind of happen. </p>
<p>I have a suggestion. Find a way to volunteer somewhere at school or in the city. When you volunteer, you will find the nicest people and it feels good to help others. I am sure you could find something. When you feel good about helping others, these hostile people won’t seem so important to you. My Ds and I spent lots of time at local food bank, stocking shelves, sorting food and we met some really great people. People that volunteer are usually really nice and open. Many volunteer to meet others as well as do some good work. Maybe a local library needs some help. </p>
<p>One thing I tell my Ds is to not let mean people get them down. That gives the mean people power. You need to take charge of yourself and not feel bad if people are jerks.</p>
<p>Good luck and you can private message me if you want.</p>
<p>It’s too bad things happened this way. It is very likely that the textbook is very expensive and that she had written notes in it or highlighted passages, etc… that would be hard to duplicate if she were to get a new one.</p>
<p>She assumed, rightly or wrongly, that if the book was left where it was, she would have been able to retrieve it with no problem. That may be the case; it could also have been taken by someone else or thrown away by the cleaning staff. I doubt that misplacing a book for a couple of days could possibly affect an internship. She was just over-reacting. Put it out of your mind.</p>
<p>She’s overrreacting. If I were you, I would have done exactly what you did – taken the book and tried to contact her. There actually are people on college campuses who steal textbooks so they can sell them back to the bookstore. That’s why I would not have left the book there either.</p>
<p>She probably was worried about the book, but that was no reason for her to spout off at you! She should have been grateful.</p>
<p>My S left an expensive history book outside at the bus stop at his high school. No one bothered to pick it up, and by the time he found it, a few days later, it was rained on. I didn’t understand why no one bothered to at least turn it into the office. Seemed uncaring to me.</p>
<p>Your experience reminds me of something that happened to me when I was in college. I saw a car parked in the daytime on campus with its lights on. Since the door was unlocked, I did what people did in the small town that I grew up in: I opened the door and switched off the light.</p>
<p>Just as I did that, the owner, a student, came up to me and accused me of trying to steal her car. When I told her her lights had been on, the student nastily insisted that I was lying. I didn’t even know how to drive, so her accusation was ridiculous.</p>
<p>It has been more than 30 years later, and I still feel angry whe I remember how that girl treated me so nastily when I was just trying to do her a favor.</p>
<p>I agree with all of you that she was overreacting. I still don’t know what she could have meant by “I went through hell”. I guess it’s due to my Asperger’s that I can’t interpret social signals. That’s why I have to ask people about that.</p>
<p>I am still troubled by the hostile environment in the ECE department. Why is everyone so mean? Aren’t people that age supposed to have some maturity, and not act like people did towards me when I was in high school? I mean, these people are 21 and older! What is it about ECE students that makes them act this way? Any answers?</p>
<p>Thank you for your comments. Keep them coming.</p>
<p>Bio, my best friend’s son has Aspergers. As you probably know, the syndrome alters the way the person sees the world and different situations. In her son’s case, having conselor meetings several times each weeks helps him sort out the things happening in life and choosing appropriate responses.</p>
<p>Aspergers comes with gifts–so many are just above and beyond the talent of most in so many areas. But it also comes with an unusual way of perceiving many things.</p>
<p>Do you have a counselor? Are your parents able to help? There are many wonderful support systems that you can tap into to help day to day events. Talk to your counselor at school or one of the many Aspergers help groups. Good luck!</p>
<p>“I went through hell” could mean that she was really worried, went back to the room, maybe more than one time, asked around to find out where her book was, worried about the money she would need to replace the book, whether she could get a new copy in time not to miss the materials, homework, etc… </p>
<p>Did you leave a message on her voicemail or sent her an email to let her know that you had found her book as soon as you did find it? If you did and she did not check her messages, then she was the one who prolonged her worry.</p>
<p>I still don’t know how I can resolve the hostile environment that I feel in the ECE department. It is driving me crazy. Please offer some suggestions for how to deal with it. My grades are going down because of it.</p>
<p>Take a breath…if one of the symptoms of AS is that it “alters how you see the world” …is it possible the environmnet is not as hostile as you think it is?</p>
<p>Are you expected to work in groups with students who are hostile? Are you sure you are correctly interpreting their behavior toward you when you describe it as hostile? Can you put some distance between you and those you have difficulty dealing with?<br>
It is hard to give specific suggestions since we don’t know the details of your situation and the resources available to you. Is there a counselor on campus you can talk to? That person would know what your environment is like and would have a better sense of what is possible.</p>
<p>It sounds like the girl who scolded you might also have a problem with her social skills. Try to judge just that one transaction. You tried to be helpful. She became very agitated when she could not find the book and yelled at you because she thinks she could have found it more easily if you left the book where it was. She was wrong to take out her frustration on you, but don’t over generalize the situation. That one bad interaction does not mean that all the other students are mean to you all the time. Maybe your program is stressful and people are competitive with one another to some degree. Are some of the students friendly to you sometimes? I would spend my time and energy on those people and tune out the others.</p>
<p>Bio, I’ve read several of your posts over the last couple of weeks. It sounds like you have done an amazing job academically and getting where you want to go in life. You have so many options!</p>
<p>I really urge you to talk with your parents about getting some strong support to handle the social issues in your life. There are many wonderful trained people who make a career of coaching Asperger kids through different phases of their development and life in general. It really is no different from having a driving or skiing instructor, we all need help in learning skills we weren’t born with.</p>
<p>Chances are your peers are not being hostile, but it is understandable you might see it that way. It is also important that those you deal with on a daily basis understand your syndrome so they do not take offense at your actions which may be hard for them to understand at times.</p>
<p>If they are aware of what Aspergers is and sometimes results in, you may find that they become your biggest advocates. The average person, before education on the subject, has no clue what Aspergers is. In my friend’s son’s case, educating his peers gave him an army of supporters. I bet you would soon have the army too. </p>
<p>I’ll also mention that some Aspergers people are among the most succesful people on earth. Harvard’s president is rumored to have the Syndrome. Many financial wizards, including one hedge fund billionaire, also are said to be Aspergers. It is a mixed gift, but a gift nonetheless!</p>
<p>Really–is this the same girl that you have been having problems with? The one that you wanted to go out with??
If she is the one that you asked to break up with her boyfriend, then that could explain her behavior. I think that this girl wants you to leave her alone.</p>
<p>bio - The closest thing I can think of as a “silver bullet” for this is the aforementioned suggestion to get some strong social support. You could really benefit from some direct feedback. Please look into this (or as the Nike ad directs “Just do it”). You’ve come too far to be sidetracked by these sorts of issues.</p>
<p>As for the specific instance you mention, it’s obvious the girl in question has issues of her own. And no, I don’t think it wouldn’t help to approach her and suggest conversation with her to “clear the air.” It’s possible that you have done some things to exacerbate her feelings toward you. Or maybe not. Whatever.</p>
<p>As for people in ECE being “mean” I question this judgement. I’m in the field and I’ve never met anyone I’d describe as “mean.” Intense? sure. Driven? sure. Smart? sure. Focussed? sure. Analytical? sure. Overly analytical? sometimes. Socially challenged? sometimes. Mean? no.</p>
<p>Bio, the same thing can happen to someone without Aspbergers. NSM’s example is a good one. Sometimes out of frustration people blame others when they should not.</p>
<p>I once deliberately left my jacket in a huge natatorium to save the seat as it was a coveted on with a tray table that permitted doing work. Someone I knew saw me leave without the jacket and grabbed it, catching up with me in the lobby. I did thank her and held my tongue, but I was internally annoyed about what happened especially when I did lose my seat, but was mature enough to understand that she meant well. In your case, I think you did the right thing in every regard. I would address the issue with the teacher of the class where the book was left. I am going to assume that the teacher and the student know that you do have Aspergers, and that it is helpful for those around you to guide you properly on how to react in social situations. To act inappropriately is not only rude, which the girl was, in my opinion, but is confusing to you.</p>