<p>“Rules for dating my daughter”</p>
<p>Rule Six
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it’s okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you’ve gone out with my little girl you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry harder.</p>
<p>That’s pretty much how I feel.
We have 2 daughters.</p>
<p>Yeah, oldfort. Good luck.</p>
<p>I know. No boyfriends (that I know of) yet. I couldn’t give any advice</p>
<p>LMAO oldfort, that sounds like something my daddy would say.</p>
<p>Another good one, from the movie “Clueless”</p>
<p>“If anything happens to my little girl, I got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anyone would miss you.”</p>
<p>Atlmom,</p>
<p>I’m sorry for what you are going through. As with all things (at least in my experience), it’s easier for us to experience pain and disappointment than to watch our kids go through it. </p>
<p>My daughter is a freshman in college and her ex-bf is a sophomore. They broke up before he went to college, which was 15 months ago. They continued to talk occasionally (online, text, phone) until he finally decided in June that he should make a clean break. </p>
<p>I thought going off to college at a large university would give her plenty of opportunities to start a new life, but it hasn’t worked yet. She says there are “no good guys at this school.” </p>
<p>I’ve learned not to talk too much. I do mention to her now and then that I am available if she wants to talk. She says, “All I want to do is forget and I can’t. I don’t want to think about him anymore and I hate crying!” I tell her I’m sorry that she is feeling so sad and I hope she is happier soon.</p>
<p>She’s very bright, but not doing as well in school as she should be. Now, that could be because of other factors . . .who knows? </p>
<p>I hope your daughter does well in her exams. I know I am concerned about mine,as coming home for the Thanksgiving holiday seemed to make things just a little worse. She seems sad. </p>
<p>Time is a great healer. The only problem is that it is the variable. I truly thought my daughter would have moved on by now. I keep praying.</p>
<p>^^Fifteen months is a long time! It’s also true that she probably spent all of her senior year in h.s. “on hold” and hasn’t really considered herself free and single until college, which has only been three months. So in a way, it’s a long time to be sad, but she hasn’t had enough real “available” time yet to meet someone new and promising. </p>
<p>Perhaps she should stop in to the college psychological counseling center for advice on her sadness. It’s worth a suggestion. Tell her you’re all out of motherly wisdom and want to see her lift her spirits a bit in the new year. If she says there are “no good guys” at a big university, I wonder what forms of socializing she is choosing. Maybe she’d do better with activities or clubs than parties. Sounds like she’s stuck in a rut, which is something that a college psychologist can help with. They know the resources and social patterns on the campus, and can suggest new pathways for her to explore. You might ask her if she belongs to anything or just goes to parties.</p>
<p>I always suggest kids try to help with a theater backstage. Lots to do, interesting people, a unifying task. The rehearsals and performances occur during those evening and weeekend parties, so it’s a better social outlet IMHO. Church, outdoor and service clubs also attract some great guys. How can it be there are “no good guys”? EIther her mood is too downhearted, or she’s not going where the good guys go.</p>
<p>“^^Fifteen months is a long time! It’s also true that she probably spent all of her senior year in h.s. “on hold” and hasn’t really considered herself free and single until college, which has only been three months. So in a way, it’s a long time to be sad, but she hasn’t had enough real “available” time yet to meet someone new and promising.”</p>
<p>paying, I think you are right. Although it has been a LOOOONG time (watching her go through this), I think she really considered her life “on hold” during her senior year. If I look at it as though she has only been going through this for a few months, that doesn’t seem so bad. I thought, though, that with such a big pool to choose from she would find someone quickly and be able to finally get over this guy.</p>
<p>She isn’t involved in any kind of organized activities/clubs. She goes to football and basketball games with a group of kids in her dorm. She has lots of guy friends, but no one she would consider as a boyfriend. As far as counseling, she says she doesn’t want to talk to anyone (mom, friend, professional) about this guy. She simply wants to “move on.”</p>
<p>Like the OP, I am concerned about the repercussions with her schoolwork/exams. I hope she can pull it together. I think that may be what the OPs daughter was saying about wishing she didn’t know this info right now. She has exams coming up and now this is a major distraction–ugghh. :(</p>
<p>Being young is great, but not always easy.</p>
<p>I don’t think you get over a break up until you understand the other person, and your own behaviors. Sometimes anger at oneself for acting foolish, needy, unreasonably jealous, extend the time of feeling despair. Plus, there is so much disappintment that the first serious relationship did not end up “happily ever after”.</p>
<p>I agree with P3T that college couselors are extremely experienced in this topic. They can have quizzes, articles, and books that highlight the issues and bring closure more quickly.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your wisdom. It is painful to watch. When she called today, she said now that “he broke up with me last night” after she had told him she could not deal with the stress right now that they should just put it on ice and discuss after exams…so much for him caring about her feelings…</p>
<p>He gave her some bs like, I just need to work on myself right now…clue: that is all you have been doing.</p>
<p>I did tell her this: I don’t know what to say, I try to just listen, for her to know that we are sorry this happened, she will get over it and she will feel better, and we believe in her that she has the strength to compartmentalize her life and be able to focus for now on the business at hand. That is so go to class, do well in class, eat well, sleep well and ace her exams.</p>
<p>I suggested campus counseling and gave her number and hours. Got my head bitten off when i suggested that they are familiar with dealing with these issues…but, I continued–they are professionals. I am just a mom that loves you…and I know when a professional might help you more than I since I am 6 hours away.</p>
<p>YOu all give such good advice. She seems to worry more about him getting with this other girl than just focusing on his behavior. YOu know that drill. Just hurts more when another girl is involved.</p>
<p>I do know time heals. I do know most of us have experienced the heartache of a breakup on either side. I know that most of us are glad it ended. Gosh it does hurt as a mom to watch it though.</p>
<p>I know this doesn’t help much, but we girl types need to think; is he worth it? is a guy who doesn’t care about your feelings, is already moving on, and doesn’t seem at all upset by the breakup worth all this energy and angst…</p>
<p>its almost as if we have to say…are we going to let that person ALSO wreck other parts of our lives- our work, studies, other friends? how much power do we let them have?</p>
<p>when I broke up with someone years ago, I got a big ole rubber band and put in on my wrist, whenever my mind drifted toward thoughts of him, i twanged myself…also, change his name on your cell phone, use his last name or whatever, take him off instant messenger, put a note on your computer “DINT LOOK AT WHaThisface’s Facebook”, or HER facebook</p>
<p>in this day and age, its harder to escape the reminders of the EX unless we get proactive</p>
<p>when my d found out her BF was interested in another girl, and she could tell by their cute little messages on MySpace…she had to delete him and her as friends, at least for awhile when they broke up…it was too tempting to peak</p>
<p>so to those dealing with kids who were broken up with, some practical, silly advice can really help</p>
<p>and you need to NOT talk to him for any reason for awhile…otherwise, you will get sucked into the hope that maybe it will work out…if he feels like he wants to get back together, let him sweat a little</p>
<p>Also, have your friends help you move on, sure talk about it, but don’t wallow, and if you are wallowing, have your friends thump your forehead opr tell you to do 15 jumping jacks, or run up and down the hallway…it can do wonders</p>
<p>"I know this doesn’t help much, but we girl types need to think; is he worth it? is a guy who doesn’t care about your feelings, is already moving on, and doesn’t seem at all upset by the breakup worth all this energy and angst…</p>
<p>its almost as if we have to say…are we going to let that person ALSO wreck other parts of our lives- our work, studies, other friends? how much power do we let them have?"</p>
<p>This is SO TRUE! I teach high school, and so many girls get into trouble over boys. I try to point out that ANY boy who who put young ladies in the position of fighting over him is BY DEFINITION NOT worth it. Some of the young ladies get it. Some don’t. Some take a while…</p>
<p>My d has a friend, 16, who has never been without a BF (she is on her 7th or 8th_) for more than a few weeks since 8th grade…not just the friend types, but the “who would you like to meet” “oh I have already met him” types- she loved them all, they were her one and only…as soon as she breaks up with one, she is onto the next, and within a couple of weeks, they are an official couple…this girl cannot be without a BF, and the guys are okay, on average…and kind of average guys…but my d wonders WHY this girl cannot be alone for any length of time…</p>
<p>there is another girl who says, 'well not to be conciected, but alot of people want to ask me to the dance"- well, then she is at my house, and one of my older Ds guy friends is there, and this girl practically gives him a lap dance…he is kind of creeped out, my D is grossed out, and the girl is draping her legs and body all over him…the guy has to push her off…</p>
<p>anyway, point is, sometimes girls need to see how other girls act- and if they see one of these girls with a “bf”, they might have lost some self respect and respect of others to get the “bf”</p>
<p>Please don’t flame me for this… I am not trying to make excuses for boys but just suggesting our girls need more realism.</p>
<p>It is pure and simple reality that boys with their testosterone-laced brains do not, at age 18,19, typically view relationships even in the same UNIVERSE as the way girls view them. So there is a built-in problem. </p>
<p>Teen boys need a great deal of maturity to control their pleasure seeking impulses. Teen girls need a great deal of maturity to control their ‘I want to own you’ impulses. BOTH parties need to control those impulses to have a good relationship.</p>
<p>Really, with the biological programming at such cross purposes it is a miracle when kids find sweet, healthy, non traumatic, no-atrocity-committed relationships in HS and college! </p>
<p>So that’s what I have been telling my D since age 16. Young relationships are where you learn abotu what makes relationships work and what you need from a young man. By definition they are pretty tricky. </p>
<p>D was broken up with about a month ago and is doing well. Hurt, but doing well. The best thing for her has been that (thank God!) every other part of her life has been golden this semester-- roommates, classes, job, sport & EC. So she just did more of all that.</p>