<p>My D’s boyfriend’s misdeeds have caught up to him…his close friend, female, has turned out to be more than a friend…D found out from a mutual friend and confronted him on the phone (he was away at tgiving) and he admitted having feelings for other girl…but he loves her …grrrrrrrrr. When asked he isn’t “sure” who he likes more…</p>
<p>So, How do I help her through this heart ache. Exams are in 1.5 weeks. She needs to be able to focus. She is throwing up from the stress of him…any advice appreciated and if you do have a voodoo doll please cause him pain.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear she’s going thru this, especially right before exams. </p>
<p>I would suggest focusing on the positive - being glad that she found out what a jerk he is NOW instead of later, being glad she didn’t actually marry him, what a wonderful person she is and how she deserves so much better…and why would she ever even consider taking him back, even if he did decide he liked her better? Also, encourage her to take the high road…I know you were joking but that sort of thinking (‘cause him pain’) is really not helpful to her - encourage her to rise above his selfish actions, not lower herself to his level.</p>
<p>Atlmom, I am so sorry and can absolutely sympathize. My d went through this just befor exams last spring. Just be there for her and encourage her to focus on the school work before her. Don’t let this guy mess things up for her now and eventually things will work themselves out.</p>
<p>These situations are so hard and you just want to make them feel better–been there, done that (one was a divorce).</p>
<p>As lealdragon said, focus on how lucky she is to have found this out now about him and not later. Emphasize that she does not want to give someone control over her life–he is not worth her sacrificing her exams/grades over. I realize for her that is much, much easier said than done–but maybe she can garner a little strength from that attitude.</p>
<p>My d. just broke up with a guy she was crazy about because she found out that he was still communicating with an ex and admitted he still had feelings for the ex. She felt/feels very betrayed and used–as he led her to believe all was rosy and wonderful with their future together a given. I have to admit (I know it is not the healthiest way to deal with it) I took her “break-up shopping”. She is heartbroken, but also realizes that he was not the person she thought he was and “if he thinks he can ever come back, he’s crazy!”</p>
<p>Your voodoo doll made me laugh. None of mine have used one with a break-up, but my son had a high school teacher who absolutely drove him nuts. When my h. went to New Orleans for a conference, he brought him back a voodoo doll. Son did use it to vent some frustrations and it made him laugh which was worth it.</p>
<p>Listen, listen and listen some more.Lots of hugs. Nothing you say or suggest at this point will hurry the process up. She will have to go through this in her own way, in however long it takes. Still going through this with daughter…it’s much better but has been months.</p>
<p>Yeah, I was just joking about voodoo and have not mentioned to her. This jerk ruined our family holiday and my birthday tomorrow. Instead, she was locked in her room in tears all day telling me, no I am not ok, I am never going to be ok again in my life, I will not ever trust a guy again…you get the picture.</p>
<p>I did say all the things to her you suggested. Thanks, but she wishes she had not found out now…??I personally would have dropped kicked him to the curb but she was heavily invested emotionally in this relationship although she admits he had changed over the last few weeks and he wasn’t what he was before…</p>
<p>I told her she probably is upset because she fell in love with one guy only to find out, he isn’t that guy…and she is hurting not because of losing him but of losing the man she thought he was…and learning from others is NEVER the best way to find out…and that is embarassing to her.</p>
<p>I wish I could have one wish to push away this pain for her but know life’s lessons are never easy and it will make her stronger and she will know more about what she wants in a real man.</p>
<p>Positively, send some woman power to LH right now to empower her to rise above and be strong…as she grows into adulthood. Yes, thank goodness she did NOT marry this one. THere were flags flying.</p>
<p>So sorry that your daughter has to go through this… The most important thing your daughter has to realize is that it is not about HER, it is about HIM. SHE did not do anything wrong. Both of our girls went through painful breakups with their HS bfs, but in the end came out much stronger and with more mature views of the opposite sex. Please tell your daughter that it is OK to cry and feel the way she feels right now, but she WILL be OK. Her prince charming is somewhere out there, but she has not met him because she was just too busy focusing of her jerk of a bf.</p>
<p>I’m sending virtual hugs to you and your daughter.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for both you and your D. Everyone copes with a breakup in their own way, but I’ve found that, for my D, just letting her cry it out works best. When she’s gone through hard times, I normally help her through a period of “wallowing”. Watch sappy movies, eat a lot, acknowledge that what has happened is pretty crappy. Trying to artificially pretend things are good doesn’t normally work. Within a few days, she’ll probably start to get over it. Then pile on the happy things! </p>
<p>Often, nothing us moms can say can really make our daughters feel better. Sometimes support is the best thing we can give. Just follow her cues. Ask her what you can do to help her. Time really is the best healer.</p>
<p>A view from the other side - S’s gf dumped him 2 1/2 months ago, 2 weeks after they moved in to their respective schools for freshman year, and we are still dealing with it now. We have said and done EXACTLY what lealdragon and BunsenBurner wrote about. We have commiserated with him and then tried to help him have strength to move on. They were together for 2+ years, she is immature and insecure, but she is a bright girl with a lot of potential, and we were hoping that college would help her mature. We treated her like a daughter and tried to open up her world (including her first plane trip ever to Florida, all expenses paid), as she had led a sheltered life. Now as well as saying nasty things about S, she has also said them about us. We keep hoping he will be able to move on - I think as soon as a wonderful girl comes into his life, this will be a blip on the radar screen, but for now it hurts really bad. Fortunately, his grades have been good, but this weekend was another meltdown and I had to remind him he has 3 weeks left of school and needs to do well. He can’t let her affect that. I really wish this would end, but as someone else said, you can’t rush it. He has to deal with it in his own time, but boy, I’m exhausted.</p>
<p>DS and gf broke up during the summer before they went to different colleges. It freed him up to jump into the social scene with both feet. He’s having a blast at college. I’m sure it wasn’t as serious as your kids’ situations, and I really empathize.</p>
<p>I think the spa day and break-up shopping are great ideas. I also recommend ice cream. Breyers mint chocolate chip, or, if you live in the Publix area, Publix premium double chocolate chocolate chip. YUM.</p>
<p>Chiming in. Another mom whose girl got dumped for getting back together with ex. He had even made a date for New Year’s, the scoundrel.</p>
<p>He told D that his ex absolutely forbids him to even talk to D, so she can’t even discuss the situation with him. He told her over the phone that he was cancelling their plans for the weekend.</p>
<p>They met at local Starbucks (I was there) on one of D’s trips home, and a perfect match. Both dem party operatives, both want law school politics, etc. And he knows it’s another vac and D would work in Starbucks, but he showed up two days in a row. First day he scurried away; second day he stayed and for two hours and glared at D. Was still there when she left. Luckily she was there with a friend and they could IM back and forth about what a jerk he was.</p>
<p>Ice cream, shopping all good.
D is going abroad in Jan. so that should do it.</p>
<p>As the mom of 4Ds, I’m sad to say that I’ve been through this too many times! It never gets any easier. My advice, from much experience, is not to say too much. Lots of listening is better! My Ds never wanted to hear platitudes about how wonderful they are and how Mr. Right will come along, not initially anyway. They also didn’t want to hear about what a jerk the ex was. The other risk you run by detailing his (or her!) many failings is that your D (or S) may end up back with that jerk in the future, and then it just makes it uncomfortable all around. Lots of TLC, and all that that entails, is what’s worked best for us.</p>
<p>I also think it’s better to emphasize your confidence in your child, and what a great person they are, and how you know they’ll manage to get over this, etc., etc., than to dump on the ex. </p>
<p>Given the nature of this stage of life, it’s to be expected that people are going to change, and possibly find other people. That fact doesn’t make it easier for the dumpee, but IMO, it means that it’s possible that the dumper isn’t a total jerk-from-hell, but a confused (esp. if male) young person who doesn’t know how to handle things in the best way. Mentioning this fact might make it seem less like your child’s judgement of people over the last few years sucks. Giving in to the temptation of “he’s such a jerk” can actually increase your child’s self-doubt - how could she have loved such scum? Better, I think, to de-emphasize this, no matter how great the temptation. </p>
<p>Focus on the greatness of your kid. And get that choco-chocolate chip ice cream!</p>
<p>I completely agree with alwaysamom and mom2three. Do not speak badly about the ex, tempting as it may be. My D and her bf broke up over the summer, and she took it badly. I recommend following your D’s lead - if she wants to be left alone, leave her alone for a little while; if she wants attention, lavish a little on her. In my D’s case, she preferred talking to her friends over talking to me, and that was fine (although I would have liked for her to want to talk to me). I encouraged her to keep going out with her friends, which she did (and that was not always comfortable for her because the ex was often there as well). Anyway, after several weeks, the ex told her he wanted her back and after giving the matter much thought, she agreed to give it a try. I honestly don’t think this was the right decision -but it was her decision to make. I am grateful, however, that I never stated my negative feelings because now I don’t have to deal with the awkwardness that would have resulted. Truthfully, I never had anything against the bf - I just don’t think the maturity is there yet - and although he is two years older than my D, I think he needs to grow up a little more. I just don’t think he is ready to have a girlfriend. Nice boy, lots of potential - just not the right time - but I can’t say that to my D.</p>
<p>But some exes are jerks, and if the girl keeps going back to the “type” then she will get hurt again</p>
<p>We all have been there- dated the same guy over and over, he just looked different on the outside, or been treated like a yoyo…i want you I don’t want you I want you</p>
<p>Girls need to have a little self respect </p>
<p>Yes, if a guy cheats, and you two work it out, wonderful, but these people aren’t married yet, and if the yoyo stuff keeps happening, then a person isn’t open to new BETTER relationships</p>
<p>We are so afraid to be honest, I think it should be okay to say, he treated you badly, he may not be a “bad guy” but his actions are really awful…</p>
<p>Husband and I held our tongues for over two years and talks of marriage and when it was clear it was finally breaking up neither of us could hold back any longer.We let D know exactly what an abusive, self absorbed, dishonest, unethical cheating loser he was and how she deserved so much more. Gee, maybe we held back after all! It was tough for her because he had become her entire life and she now had to rebuild. Ugghhhhhh…hopefully many lessons learned.</p>
<p>Let her come to you. Don’t try and be there for her all the time…just let her know that you’re there, and then (I know it’s hard) back off.</p>
<p>Call up her roommates and ask them to take her out for a day of “girls only” fun…manicures, pedicures, heck, paintballing if that’s what she likes. Get her out of the toxic atmosphere she’s in. And girls are always up for some retail therapy (although there are always exceptions to the rule ^_^).</p>
It was tough for her because he had become her entire life and she now had to rebuild. Ugghhhhhh…hopefully many lessons learned.</p>