<p>cobrat, you seem to have known pretty violent and intolerant/rigid people at Oberlin =/ </p>
<p>Most people are able to talk things out without throwing things, yelling, or throwing them out of a room.</p>
<p>"Fwiw, my dorm did not have a lounge. We had a common area in the basement with only 4 TVs for hundreds of residents. </p>
<p>We did have 10 or so study lounges. "</p>
<p>My point exactly: </p>
<p>1) One roommate wants to use the dorm room to study in and is getting angry at her roommate for “always” watching movies in the room. Her options:
a) Go study at the library, a building on campus, a dorm lounge,…etc. Note: College libraries stay open LATE on weeknights if not all night long.
b) Get angry at her roommate and boyfriend and suggest that them watching movies/tv shows on the laptop in the dormroom to be unacceptable behavior</p>
<p>The problem with b) is that if you want to wanting to hang out and watch a movie on your laptop with your boyfriend is completely normal. & trying to watch a movie in a study lounge (as someone above so brilliantly suggested) will then disturb multiple people who are studying. As said above, libraries at most schools are open LATE on weeknights. The OP probably has more study areas available to her than her roommate has watching movie with her boyfreind areas available to her (as that creates sound).</p>
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<p>The male friends yelling at roommates who decided to bring girlfriends/sexile them without talking about it beforehand to “Get a f&^&^n’ apartment” weren’t from Oberlin. </p>
<p>They were HS classmates or their friends at mostly NE colleges…including several famous ones in the Boston area. </p>
<p>One thing about the Obies I knew…this issue would have almost never come up for the following reasons:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Being considerate and talking things out was big there.</p></li>
<li><p>There’s a campus culture of taking someone’s needs to study very seriously…especially considering the libraries closed at midnight and much earlier on weekends unless it was around exam week. Far too early for many Obies…and I was far from the most studious among them. It seemed to have even affected the design of the dorms I stayed in.</p></li>
<li><p>I didn’t know anyone at Oberlin with THAT much free time considering the academic workload and heavy campus cultural expectations to take part in various campus ECs/political activism. Bringing SO to hang out once or twice a week…especially early in the semester, yes. Every day of the week?!! If I saw that after my first semester, I’d wonder if one/both members of the couple are extremely smart/quick studies or one of those cruising on the road to academic suspension/expulsion as happened to several classmates during my two years. </p></li>
<li><p>Having a BF/GF and dating was considered “old-fashioned” by many on campus at the time. Hookups were the norm and were worked out ahead of time in consideration with understanding roommates.</p></li>
<li><p>Most Obies tended to be very proactive and confrontational…sometimes to excess. They aren’t the types to allow things to slide without saying anything.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Fine, then I amend it to “at your school”. </p>
<p>1) I think not allowing flexibility within rooms is FAR more inconsiderate.
2) But do you need to study constantly?
3) No free time to hang out a little each day? That’s sad.
4) “Old-fashioned”? Interesting.</p>
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</p>
<ol>
<li><p>There was a community oriented ethos in the dorms…especially the ones I stated in. To them, it seems the dorms were mainly for studying, sleeping, and hooking up provided all roommates agreed without pressuring. </p></li>
<li><p>No. I certainly didn’t study all the time, but many did and it was respected…especially those doing honors theses/independent research in their senior year. </p></li>
<li><p>People had free time to hang out, but it was limited and most of it was spent outside the dormrooms in the lounge or in ECs/campus activism groups. For some, campus activism was like another full-time classload and they ended up overextending themselves. This was one case where if one ended up in academic trouble there was much sympathy from other students because they genuinely felt participating will make a difference and was part of their civic duty. There was also a bit of a disdain for TV watching as a pastime which I don’t completely agree with…but coincidentally fitted in with because I chose not to bring a TV up with me and stated a preference for roommates who did the same. </p></li>
<li><p>Yes. Dating was considered “old-fashioned” by many students at my college back when I was there.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I guess I was the inconsiderate room mate, even tho we never discussed it. I always studied in my room. Honestly I had a very hard time studying elsewhere. My 2nd year room mate always wanted to entertain men on her bed in our dorm room. They wanted me to scram but would end up finding another place for their cuddling. She eventually moved into her sorority house.</p>
<p>Any time Roommate 1 brings another person into the room, whether it’s a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, or family member, if Roommate 2 also wants to be in the room he/she should get a say in the matter after a reasonable time period. If I go to visit my child and the roommate is there, I won’t stay in the room more than five minutes, then we go to a common area to visit. That’s what’s called being considerate of the roommate. Yes, it is both roommates’ room, but it’s not anyone else’s room either, and unless the third person is visiting both roommates, he/she should leave after a reasonable period of time.</p>
<p>By the way, I think this should apply even if Roommate 1’s friend has come over to study when Roommate 2 wants to play music. Neither roommate should have to give up the use of his/her room or change what he/she is doing because of the presence of a third person.</p>
<p>I am just appalled that a college Freshman would 1) not have the life skills to discuss the issue with her roommate, and 2) that she would involve her parent to the extent where the parent would want to get involved. Helicopter alert! I strongly suspect #1 & #2 are directly related. </p>
<p>Let the student handle it on her own and stay out of it. Tell her “handle it”. If she can’t do this at 18 you’ve got bigger issues than the roommate.</p>
<p>Lots of conflicting opinions on this forum!! My D had this problem freshman year (she is a senior now) and it was very difficult. She was living on a special community floor and neither one wanted to leave. Plus, the boyfriend also lived on the floor so the conflict was quite public with everyone taking sides. The RA didn’t help at all - they had had a roommate agreement previously which this definitely violated. My involvement was to give my D advice (I did call the Parents office once and they gave me some good suggestions). Eventually, she ended up going to the resident director who did intervene. They ended up with a very cool standoff, but D did get through the rest of her time - and we can actually laugh about it now.</p>
<p>This type of conflict is even difficult for adults. How many of us have successfully negotiated with our colleagues? I think most people tend to ignore annoying colleagues, but at least we could go home at night. I think it is ridiculous to assume an unworldly 17/18 year old to navigate such a delicate situation (a lot of emotion involved on both sides, no clear right or wrong). Don’t understand why whenever a parent may be concerned about his/her child, immediately someone needs to call it helicoptering. I don’t think anyone would use such a world if it was H asking me for advice about a difficult work situation. While I am at this…how is a young person suppose to learn if he/she doesn’t ask someone (like parent) for help when he/she encounters a new/difficult situation? D2 called me up few weeks ago after a difficult meeting that she chaired. She said many older students were digressing and getting off topic. I’ve had a lot of experience holding difficult meetings with different views. I gave her few tricks on how to keep people focused. So, was I helicoptering?</p>
<p>I recall a recent article discussing the sharp uptick in “roommate problems” at colleges, attributable to both number of students’ own single-rooms at home, with no roommate experience, and increasing social acceptance of narcissistic-like “me first” behavior. Sharing a room is certainly a petrie dish for conflict-avoidance, but it’s important for students to learn to “discuss issues” and to “form room rules”. I attended college in “dinosaur age”, and recall RM situations where one RM essentially overtook shared-room to displace RM everynight. Some folks lived in the floor lounge because they had little access to their room, while RAs were largely absent. Some RMs want their shared-room to become a defacto single, and will act accordingly w/o regard to other RM’s needs. </p>
<p>This type of RM-situation exists since parietals ended. OP’s DD needs to express her concern directly to roommate: “I feel uncomfortable with the amount of time boyfriend is in our room; let’s schedule visits/alone-time.” I’d consider it a step on the adult continium of unpleasant but necessary tasks.</p>
<p>I’d also second the noise-cancelling headphones.</p>
<p>I like the “flirt with RM’s BF” suggestion - that may actually work, coupled with the “room rules” discussion btwn RMs. RA might help w/mediation.</p>
<p>Oldfort, this isn’t a roommate situation. It is a “child won’t confront a problem” situation. This stems from children being catered to and having parents intervene in every conflict during their childhood. They never learn to work things out themselves. An 18 year old shoud be able to stand up for themselves. And asking parents for advice is one thing but what I read here goes beyond that. This is simply having the ability to resolve a conflict with another human being. And at 18 that should be in the skill set. </p>
<p>I asked my DS about this situation and what he would have done. He just laughed and said “I dealt with it”. Notice the past tense. I never even knew.</p>
<p>The ops daughter says she doesn’t want to affect the relationship. That’s ship has sailed. The roommate doesn’t care. Her priority is the bf. so to say something to her won’t hurt the relationship more. </p>
<p>I told my daughters that if the relationship shifts like that then you need to make it all business. Don’t fear someone being mad at you. Let them be mad because you stood up for yourself.</p>
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</p>
<p>Depends on the campus culture and time of day. The one in my dorm/college was that someone needing to study took priority…especially after the libraries closed. </p>
<p>Then again, the latter rendered the entire debate moot as playing music which is loud enough to disturb one’s roommate is also likely to disturb neighbors at a time when making excess noise was a violation of dorm quiet hours(12 midnight-7 am on weekdays*, 1-2 - 10 am on weekends). </p>
<ul>
<li>Incidentally, this made my LAC less restrictive than NYC where any noise from one apartment which can be heard by neighbors after 11 pm is a violation of local noise ordinances. And unless you live in a neighborhood with plenty of nightlife and where such noise is tolerated as part of the neighborhood’s character/businesses, it will involve cops coming over to order the one making excess noise to cease or potentially face arrest, legal sanctions, and possible eviction as a nuisance tenant or co-op shareholder/condo owner in violation of co-op/condo community by-laws.<br></li>
</ul>
<p>They seemed to do this a lot to college students especially in areas near college campuses adjacent to neighborhoods or off-campus in neighborhoods with lots of senior citizens and/or families with young children.</p>
<p>Iron Maiden, teenagers mature differently and in their own time frame. They all get there eventually, often with guidance from the adults in their lives who have a little more experience. I think it is wonderful that your son can handle things on his own at 18 -congratulations on a job well done. But I also think it is fine to offer guidance to our children when they reach out, no matter what their age.</p>
<p>I agree with another poster who said “this type of conflict is difficult even for adults”.</p>
<p>Guidance is different from stepping in. I give my daughters asked for advice and suggestions all the time. But I don’t call. Yes it’s difficult. Life is difficult. But in the grand scheme of issues this is pretty minor. It’s only escalated as the ops daughter let herself get walked on and now it’s time, as it’s never too late, to stand up for herself.</p>
<p>Why arent they spending equal time the the boys room?</p>
<p>jym262, I wondered that myself.</p>
<p>It’s easy to say “stick up for yourself,” and “don’t fear conflict” and “make it business.” It’s much harder to actually DO that when you will have to LIVE with the person you are confronting for the next two months, in a rather small space. No one wants to come “home” to an uncomfortable situation. However it seems the OP’s D is already coming home to an uncomfortable situation, so that may be a moot point. </p>
<p>At best, this will be a learning experience for the D in dealing with conflict in a relationship. I think Consolation’s post #17 is EXCELLENT advice: </p>
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</p>
<p>OP, does your D have her room situation set for next year? Hopefully she wasn’t planning on rooming with this same person again?</p>
<p>The only difference ^^ I would say is “would you guys spend half of the time in HIS room.” certain they “could” but the OP’s D wants them to. I told my kids to be careful when they would would or could or may and can etc…it can make a difference when you want someone to do something.</p>
<p>Iron maiden, I disagree. Helicoptering is when the parent swoops in and calls the RA and demands a solution. It’s not helicoptering for a student to ask for suggestions on how to handle a situation. That’s a wise use of resources.</p>