<p>I am having a tough time deciding how to handle a problem with our teen daughter and thought I could get some input from other parents. Background: She is a terrific kid. Smart, athletic, kind; never given us any trouble…until now! Our daughter has been dating her BF for 3 months. They do not attend the same school so they see each other only on weekends. They text frequently each day. This past weekend I overheard her telling a friend they had “made out” in his car for some length of time and she ended up with her shirt off. When talking to her friend she was laughing; not upset at all.
I am so disappointed. My husband and I have been very open with our kids, encouraging them to come to us with questions concerning dating etc. I did not want my daughter to know I had overheard her conversation but I did talk to her today about setting limits with her BF. She told me not to worry; that they were not doing anything except kissing. I know she is lying to me and that also disappoints me. Any thoughts on what I can do short of locking her in her room? (Kidding) As I stated, she is a sweet kid, an honors student, varsity athlete; but a kid none the less and I fear she is getting in way over her head with this young man.</p>
<p>Since she is 16 you still have the right to lay down rules. I would be frank. “You told me that you are just kissing, but apparently your kissing escapades at times involve discarding of your clothes” Be out in front about the lying. She needs to know she won’t get away with that either. Maybe she was actually lying to her friend - kids sometimes say things to “impress”. And she may admit that to you. </p>
<p>I just think you have to be really frank with where this is all going. If the shirt is coming off now, then what next? Prepare her to think ahead and be responsible for her acts - if her “act” is going to involve being intimate in any way, she needs to be “prepared” for that as well unfortunately. 
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<p>You might also decide if you need to monitor the relationship a bit and perhaps request a “cool down” period - in other words, limit her dating for a few weeks to movies and stuff at your house - something like that. </p>
<p>IMO if you have info and it concerns you, don’t hide it - put it out there and deal with it.</p>
<p>I believe frequent repetition/small talks are better than one big talk. (As I read once, you don’t talk to your child only once about how to cross a street.) Realistic conversations about long-term consequences, because you really cannot control her behavior. And trust in the 16 years of parenting you’ve already done with her. She sounds like a wonderful kid–take comfort in that.</p>
<p>Although this might be an unpopular suggestion, “monitoring” and discussing are all well and good, but make sure she also knows how to protect herself. Talk frankly about birth control and STD/AIDS prevention. Don’t worry; you’re not putting ideas in her head - the ideas are obviously there already. You cannot monitor her every move with this boy, and you cannot lock her in her room. So you need to protect her.</p>
<p>If she hasn’t had her a gyn appointment, take her for one. Sometimes it helps teens to hear about such things as protecting oneself if it comes from someone other than Mommy or Daddy!</p>
<p>(And yes, I am the mother of a daughter who has gone through this.)</p>
<p>I would put her on birth control now. Even nice, smart kids make mistakes and end up pregnant. Limiting her dates to movies won’t help. She can “make out” at the movies, or, if she and the BF can drive, chances are they may not really be at the movie. She may not have come to you, because she doesn’t think she has any questions. She probably thinks she has everything figured out.</p>
<p>I would be upfront that you heard her comment about “ending up with her shirt off.” She needs reminding that you can’t be duped that easily. I agree with the ingerp’s suggestion that you have an ongoing conversation rather than a big talk, so that she throughly understands where you stand on matters of intimacy and limits. </p>
<p>How well do you know her BF? He’s obviously a key player here and I would want to make sure that I had a good sense of what he’s all about.</p>
<p>She has had her gyn appointment and we have had many talks about STDS/AIDS, making smart choices etc. She is our youngest child so we truly thought we “knew the drill” when it came to having conversations with our kids. But she is a very curious kid and we fear she may make some rather poor and immature choices.
I am contemplating just telling her the truth; that I overheard her conversation and that I know she is lying. But I am not sure if this will just create more of a problem and as a result our daughter will be come more secretive. She will be busy with school commitments over the next few weekends, so I am hoping this might cool down. I am also concerned that she is sharing this information with friends, as these things have a way of getting around the school.
Bring on the advice; it is great to have input from other parents. Thanks!</p>
<p>I meant the “movies” to be “movies” at home - with other people in and around the house. :)</p>
<p>Agree to make knowledgeable about birth control and how to get it specifically, but I wouldn’t rush to drag her out of the house and start her on it yet. </p>
<p>Also agree to don’t have a talk once and be done with it - bring things up often and “check” on the relationship. </p>
<p>Sometimes I am not a fan of high school dating!!!</p>
<p>If you do not want to put your daughter in a position to lie to you, do not ask her invasive questions. She will be even less likely to be honest with you if she perceives that she will have problems with you if you do not like her choices (and answers). You can let her know that you are not naive, that you know that one thing leads to another, and that while it is possible two teens only hold hands and kiss, it is not likely in a relationship which is ongoing. Other than that, make sure she has birth control available and she fully understands and believes in the consequences of sexually transmitted diseases…and that she gets it that she can NEVER take anyone else’s word about their freedom from disease. Good luck. </p>
<p>[It is not an issue of you condoning what she chooses to do, but rather keeping communication open and honest. For my daughter, the only time I ever knew her to lie to me was when I asked her specific questions about her friends. About herself, I did not ask, but she did tell (far more than I ever wanted to know). For my son, when I have asked what he does not want to answer, he tells me I do not want to ask that question…but there is a lot I would not dream of asking him.]</p>
<p>You cannot expect to exercise control over the decisions she makes now. You can limit her freedom, but if you do, you are encouraging her to lie and sneak. It does work to not allow her to be in situations which invite problems, for instance do not leave her home alone overnight, know where she is (and occasionally be seen by her there if it is a public place), and do not let her have access to too much money. Pick your battles very carefully. Tell her what you do not like about things you do not want her to do, but let her make most of her own decisions.</p>
<p>If she’s had her shirt off with him, then sex is soon on the horizon. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, that is often the consequence of young teens who are in BF/GF relationships. That’s the scary part of when 15/16 year olds have BF/GFs.</p>
<p>I’m not comfortable with putting her on the pill because that essentially gives her permission to have sex. As soon as the BF knows that she’s on the Pill, he’s going to be “full steam ahead” and she’s not going to have any good reason to tell him, “no.” And, frankly, he’ll be mad if she says no while being on the pill, and that’s more likely going to influence her to have sex.</p>
<p>I found this comment interesting:</p>
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<p>You want and expect her to tell you the truth, yet you’re only considering telling her the truth. I think you should tell her the truth. Let her know that it was hard for you to tell her the truth, and you realize that sometimes it’s hard for her to tell you the truth. She’s still young, but she’s starting to do adult things, and it’s time to start treating her like an adult in some ways. </p>
<p>I’m 50 now, but I clearly remember being 16, and not being able to talk to my parents about what was going on in my head and in my life. I wish my mom had let me know it was okay to be open with her. IMO you’ll be doing your daughter and yourself a huge favor by opening up the lines of communication now, even if it’s difficult and embarassing.</p>
<p>Lorelai, I agree. The tighter you pull back on the reigns the harder she will buck. </p>
<p>It is not easy, but the fact is her mind is made up on how far she will go and when she will do it.</p>
<p>I actually would play it in a different scenario. I would take her back to the GYN and put her on birth control. At that time, I would say to her I am not consenting to this, but at the end of the day you are my number 1 priority and as a parent I need to protect you. Having a child at this age because I play ostrich only hurts you, because I would rather see you on the pill than you pregnant.</p>
<p>I would tell her that I am not stupid, I was 16 too, and I know nothing my Mom would say or do would change my decisions regarding sex. </p>
<p>I will say that I know our 20 yo is not a virgin, I know our 18 yo DD is. I know that none of my nieces over 16 are virgins. The difference for my family and my in laws children, came yrs ago. It started at @13 when I would say to them “YOU ARE GOING TO COLLEGE, even if you get a girl pregnant or you get pregnant, YOU ARE GOING!” I followed it up with a very adult conversation.</p>
<p>I.E. We will pay for college and babysitting, because I am not an Au Pair, when you graduate you will pay us back for the babysitting costs (not college), and if then you want to marry them, WE will throw you the biggest wedding anyone has ever seen, because then you are getting married out of love and not because of a child.</p>
<p>I also informed our son that his father and I would also hire an attorney for parental and grandparental rights.</p>
<p>This IMHO made them realize we would not be happy if they got pregnant, but we were not going to shun or punish them for their hormones.</p>
<p>I also drilled into my kids heads starting at that age, everytime they lay down with someone they are laying down with everyone else that person laid down with. Quick way to coll those hormones is when they can imagine their BF/GF having sex with someone else they know.</p>
<p>My final emotion tug was to tell them, the best of the worst thing they could say is “pregnant”. I made sure they understood that STDs is luggage they can never get rid of…go back to the sleeping with their ex comment above.</p>
<p>I never played you need a “true love” or giving yourself card and respect. Instead, I played the honesty card about how I remembered being 16 and the fears of what I just described were the reasons I didn’t cross the line until I met Bullet. They knew I dated a guy for 4 yrs before him, and I was honest, I never had slept with him. Did I push the line? Yes, but I never crossed it.</p>
<p>Mom2, I disagree. Like I said, I dated a guy for 4 yrs and never had sex with him in that way. You should not jump to the fact that because Friday night she had her top off that by Mothers Day the deed will be done. </p>
<p>I highly doubt the DD is going to fess up, since she has already denied other aspects. However, it also doesn’t mean that she will sleep with him.</p>
<p>This is now a parent child trust issue. The parent does not have to say I heard the conversation. She can sit her down and say, “Look you are 16 and as much as you don’t want to believe it I was 16 too”. She can say, “In no way or form, will I condone a sexual relationship, but I can’t ignore it either, and because of that I want you to go on the pill…I will never know if you have or haven’t, but at least I know you are being responsible.” I would add onto that explanation, “I hope you will be smart enough to realize the pill will not protect your from STDS, so make sure he wears a condom”. It might shock you, how kids think differently when you become human to them, and not just the parent worried that they will get a girl pregnant.</p>
<p>FWIW, before you fear for your child, did you look back at your own life? Weren’t you ever placed in the crossing the line moment? Did you cross the line? If you did, why? Does your child have the same reason for crossing the line? Maybe, they will be like me, get their toes right up on the line, but never cross it.</p>
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<p>I’m with Chedva here - at this age, teens often rebell against their parents, but they would listen to other trusted adults. When the talk about STDs etc. comes from a professional who has seen it all, it will have a bigger impact on a teenager than the same talk delivered by her parent.</p>
<p>I don’t think this qualifies as lying to you. As far as can be determined, they haven’t had sex, so her saying they’ve kissed is the truth. Even in the most open, healthy parent child relationships it’s pretty normal to not want to discuss every detail with your parents. In this case, I’m pretty sure your daughter knows you would be disappointed in her if she has sex, thus she may avoid full disclosure. And who knows, maybe she was exaggerating to her friend. There’s a lot of peer pressure on kids these days to lose the V-card.</p>
<p>If all else fails force a Mother Daughter TV night…get rid of everyone else in the family. Then watch every 16 and pregnant MTV episode, just the two of you while you eat ice cream sundaes and popcorn. Never broach the subject unless she does.</p>
<p>5,6,7 or 8 episodes and she will get the real reality check of consequences.</p>
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<p>BRILLIANT!!!</p>
<p>We did the same with “Locked Up Abroad” just before sending S’s (ages 18 and 20) off to a foreign country by themselves - without chaperones - for the first time. They thought we were nuts, but they got the message! (The message in both cases is “even smart people make mistakes that have serious consequences”)</p>
<p>Honestly, I think what is more disconcerting in the world of teenage sex is sexting. Maybe that is also a way to open the conversation. For example, as we were driving DD to open house I was reading the newspaper. I turned to Bullet and said OMG a middle school has a police investigation because an 8th grader was selling his Iphone with pics of naked girls, and since it was only body parts the police/school are having problems making a case against the student. I turned to DD in the car and said does this really happen alot? She opened up there and then and said yes, I know alot of kids who have sexted thinking it was no biggie! That opening allowed me to expand the conversation without making her feel I was being accusatory. How do I know she hasn’t? I don’t, but I do know she was open about who had and it explained why those relationships (friends) ended abruptly. It also explained why our DS who was close to a female cousin have not spoken in months. She bragged about sexting to her boyfriend, and my son told her in no uncertain terms for a guy she was being used. My niece was not thrilled that he befriended her BF on facebook (without knowing he was her cousin) and he sent a copy of the pm that they talked about one of the chicks he was dating and how she sexted him whenever he asked. Please understand DS never saw the pics, he is very protective as a big brother, and only wanted her to see she was on a bad road. </p>
<p>My SIL has no idea I know of this, I have tried to broach it, but she likes being an ostrich. For example, her eldest at 18 got what my kids call a skank stamp, and she thinks it is fine because all of the kids do. In case you don’t know a skank stamp is a tattoo on the lower back. My children do not look highly on girls who do this. Her other DD got her nose pierced at 14, because of the same reason. My children feel that piercings like that are fine, however, they believe anyone who does it has other issues.</p>
<p>My DS was stalked by another niece’s gf on facebook. He was 17, she was 14. She was befriended by him because that was his cousins best friend. It got to a point that he showed me ALL of her and his pms because he felt uncomfortable. I had to make the decision to call my BIL (different family) and say you need to talk to your DD, because her friend is crossing the line. The PMs were very over the line. He is in the IT world, but never paid attention to what his girls were doing on line. Inevitably he found out through me stating you need to see what they are doing on line, that our niece at 13 had already found her way onto very scary sites.</p>
<p>Playing ostrich typically will hurt you more in the long run. I am a hard arse Mom, even now my kids must give me every log in and pass word name for the sites they belong to. They know I may chime in today, or maybe next week, maybe not for a month, but somewhere I will use their codes and look. I do the same with their cell (not DS1 since he is 20). They also know if there is no history to be searched, then the account is closed. Before any of you say they can delete, that is true, but if you chime in as them and check their friends site it will still be there, because the friend did not remove.</p>
<p>Is it an invasion of privacy? YES! However, they are under 18 and this is our computer where we are legally responsible. This is our home, and our rules. When they argue with me, I bring up a comment my brother (who they adore) said to me once, if you are too embarrassed to show/acknowledge it than you know it was wrong. That always leaves them in the no response mode.</p>
<p>I will say at first it ticked them off, but once they realized that there was nothing to hide and it occurred rarely they never cared again. They know they have nothing to hide and that strangers see what they say so it is no biggie if I see it. FWIW, the trust is so deep now that I go on maybe 1x, 2x a yr just to see their photo albums!</p>
<p>We have watched that show and we have had many discussions about teen pregnancy.!! Daughter is on BC for health reasons, so I am not worried about a potential pregnancy. My concern is that after dating this BF for only a few months she already taking her shirt off!
She regularly states that she does not want to lose her virginity in high school. But as I have told her, there are many things besides intercourse that she should probably not be doing with a BF that she really does not know very well! I just thought she would be going a bit slower. 
We have had many discussions concerning choices teens make and there consequences. Bottomline: I am disappointed that after dating for only a few months, she is already taking off her shirt. I fear she is moving way too fast and will ultimately be very hurt.</p>
<p>So just wondering…how old is the boyfriend??? Over 18??? Not good. Not legal.</p>
<p>Yes to birth control pills----which are wonderful at preventing pregnancy. Not so at preventing all those other creepy crawlies. So buy her packs of condoms too. Pregnancy a person can get over----the other sexually transmitted stuff stays with you FOREVER.</p>
<p>Do you wish she would wait before having sex…of course. Will she?? It simply is not up to you–it’s up to her–so the best you can do is provide her with the tools to stay safe and to offer your opinion on the subject. Letting her know it is YOUR opinion—but she has to make up her own mind. That gives her power…and who knows she may agree with you! Even if she does not tell you.</p>
<p>For example, her eldest at 18 got what my kids call a skank stamp, and she thinks it is fine because all of the kids do. In case you don’t know a skank stamp is a tattoo on the lower back.</p>
<p>I understand that some people don’t like tattoos, but I don’t understand why you would think it is fine for your kids to use derogatory names for people that have them.</p>
<p>One doesn’t have anything to do with the other.</p>