I don’t quite know which category this should go under or how really to explain my situation.
I am almost finished with my junior year & I’m thinking my grades will be mostly c’s (worst case D will be intermingled). I made the mistake of taking too many upper level classes at once that I couldn’t quite handle all together. The problem is my dad is going to quite possibly kill me. In high school if I came home with a c he would flip out for days. He wouldn’t speak to me or if he did it would be to berate me and call me a loser or a seive. I am absolutely terrified to go home for the summer & tell him my subpar grades I’m afraid he may kick me out of the house or stop paying for college both of which he’s threatened before. I don’t do drugs or anything horrible like that and am a person who is really trying my best in school. I do have anxiety so sometimes that makes it hard to concentrate, but I always manage to keep working. I don’t even party or hang out with friends much I just work.
I just want to know what can I do if he kicks me out? Can I get a job if I don’t have a permanent residence? Should I look into homeless shelters near me? Anyone been in this position? Thanks in advance for advice or responses. Btw I’m not saying I’m entitled to stay under his roof, I just am scared and want to know what I can do if he does kick me out or becomes unbearably abusive
Wow!
Please go to your counseling services on campus, NOW! You need support.
You also need to understand that college is HARD. Don’t be so hard on yourself!
If going to college were easy, a lot more people would do it.
(Why do you have to tell him your grades? They aren’t accessible to him unless you give them to him.
You can take classes as Pass/Fail. Just tell him you took them pass/fail.)
Get some support from campus. :-c
I second aunt bea’s good advice. Go to the counseling center and talk to your advisor. If I were your parent, I would respond better to a kid with a plan who takes responsibility for the grades (like you’re doing). If in general you are not a partier or a slacker (and point that out if it’s true) your dad should cut you some slack. Ask him if he’s ever made a mistake? IME, life is not about never making mistakes. It’s about taking responsibility for them and fixing them and moving forward. Hang in there.
Mom of 2 kids who each got F’s and D’s and they are still alive.
And you also need to go to,the college tutorial center…and get some help.
I am sorry your Dad is not someone you can turn to when scared, but instead are more scared of him than of the problem. It could be that your only problem is taking too many classes. one of my kids kept taking 18 units in a tough science major at a tough school. Sure, it’s impressive, but only if it’s done successfully. That same kid did a bit of a crash and burn through bad choices and I am lucky ( as she is) that she turned to us for help instead of being afraid to tell us the issues. She turned it around with some guidance and when her younger sibs were setting up their schedules, I definitely recommended the minimum units instead of maximum units per term. It was much easier to be successful with a realistic course load.
Give yourself a pat on the back for trying to do something so challenging and if you think about trying that again, smack yourself upside the head and choose a schedule designed to allow you to succeed.
Can you change any of the classes to P/F (and still get credit for them to count in your major or GE) so that you don’t have to show him an actual C wherever possible? Any chance of an incomplete on a class that involves writing or a project, something you could put off for a few more weeks?
Good heavens!!
I’m so sorry that you dad would have such a horrible reaction! What about your mom?
Go to the counseling center, as Aunt Bea suggested.
Talk to a Dean. Perhaps you can drop a class, change something to P/F, or ask for an Incomplete, which you could finish over the summer.
I think many students take too many hard classes in a semester, and fall behind. There usually are practical solutions.
I’m gonna give you the same advice I give gay kids with unreasonable parents who believe they can force their kids to be something they’re not by throwing a tantrum and withdrawing support…
Lie to him.
The school will not share your grades with him. It is entirely your choice to share your grades with him, or not.
if he demands to see your grades…Get your transcript, photo shop the mediocre grades into grades he’d like, print it out and let him criticize your three A minuses this semester. BOOM…no hassle.
Keep doing it until you graduate next year…and after that, it won’t matter. You’ll have your degree and he’ll be none the wiser.
The important objective is becoming independent of him. You do that by getting the degree. Protect that degree like it’s your lifeline…because it is.
Your dad sounds like a very troubled guy. I hope he gets some help, and maybe someday he can work to heal the relationship. In the mean time, you need to look out for yourself, your safety and your future.
I’m going to have to ditto @MaryGJ . Sure, the Dad should be this or that, but he’s not. He’s mentally abusive and a control freak. He’s not going to change and no amount of counseling and advice on what to say to him is going to change his issues. I don’t typically advocate lying, but in this case I would. I don’t know how to do what Mary suggests, but if OP can figure out a way to do it, I would. Get your degree and get out!
Or, you could do what I did. Take your education into your own hands. Sure, it takes longer and it is harder. Work to pay for school. Find jobs that do tuition reimbursement. Dad really has no power when you control your own purse strings.
@Torveaux, if you’re a parent, then you’re from an era when paying one’s way was a lot easier to do than it is now. There are very few companies that pay tuition these days and the cost of college is way beyond the earning power of an 18-22 year old. In any case, abuse is a more immediate problem than financial dependence.
@jewels412, I agree with the suggestion to get counseling. Tell them what you’ve posted here, that you could be in danger of abuse or homelessness if your dad learns you are making Cs. And do not tell him your grades. Really, they are none of his business. Even Cs get degrees, so just let him know you passed all your classes.
From your post, I gather your school is in a different state from the one where you have legal residence. If this is the case, you should enlist the help of career services in finding a paid job or internship in the state where your school is located.
If you are an international student (not sure what you mean by ‘permanent residence’), you won’t be able to work in the US, so your safest bet is not to disclose your grades. The school can’t tell him either without your consent, so don’t give it.
Your father is wrong, wrong, wrong. It is not okay to behave this way. But that doesn’t solve your problem.
Don’t release your gradesto him. Tell him something true but safe …You are doing okay, but you are makig plans to do better. Personally, I think C’s are fine, myself, school can be hard, and full of potholes.
Before you leave, contact social services or a trusted adult about your situation. Have a go bag packed. Yes, you are entitled to live under his roof. IT’s NOT OKAY and it’s NOT something you deserve. Keep some cash with you. Stay calm. Remember, it’s his behavior, his job to control it.
Yes, you can have a job without a permanent address. And if he theows you out, God forbid, know who you will call. We actually took a student in this same position in, briefly, while their parent came to their senses.
Are you safe from yourself? No grades are worth your life. Here we are, a bunch of strangers, wishing you well. Come back and tell us how things are, please.
Above all, take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. We all do the best job that we can, and I think that is exactly what you’re doing. As they say, even a C gets the degree. Grades and other school problems can seem gigantic, but I encourage you to take a step back and look at yourself as we see you. A capable, thoughtful, conscientious person who is trying hard to do the right thing. Don’t feel bad about yourself, but please do take care.
@MaryGJ Curious, are you a psychologist or social worker or something related? Interesting advice. I guess that would work. Sometimes lying to save yourself from abuse is the only option.
OP: Please be kind to yourself. And as others here have said, go to the dean and have a plan. Maybe they’d even be willing to display your grades as pass-fail just until the end of the summer.
I’d rather not say, brantly, but something along those lines:)
Homelessness is a serious problem for young people who feel abandoned by their families. (Particularly gay kids, but really any kid that faces unreasonable rejection for not living up to expectations) It’s very easy to slip into supporting yourself illegally out of desperation, and leaning on substances for comfort. Both of these complications are very hard to overcome.
Our OP, (as long as he/she isn’t in physical danger), is probably better off staying put with the family abuser they know and can predict, rather than the unknown abuser they’re likely to encounter on the street. Homelessness is very dangerous, particularly for young people.
While I don’t condone lying, this student has only a year left to complete their degree and escape the situation with a solid means of self support.
it’s possible this man sees the writing on the wall and can see his reign of control coming to an end, so is turning up the pressure for perfection.
The least dangerous option for all involved is to give him what he wants, or the illusion of it. The time for honesty will come after our OP is on his/her own, and is not in danger of homelessness.
Cannot +1 MaryGJ’s advice enough.
Please, before you go home, have a plan. Somewhere, ANYWHERE you can go that is safe. Have a route to get there, too.
Are there any family members or close friends who know of his controlling behavior (and WILL NOT tell him that you’ve reached out to them) and can work to quickly get you out of the house?
As a last resort there are resources for homeless youth in many cities- up to age 22. This should be an absolute last possible resort (as most of these resources are already stretched beyond capacity) but know that it is there.
Is there any possibility that you can find a job of some sort in your college town and stay there over the summer?
Go to the counseling center and ask for help, ASAP. Don’t wait. Be honest about your home situation.
“.Get your transcript, photo shop the mediocre grades into grades he’d like” - Only do that if the Dad is truly as extreme as he sounds. I had a troubled kid do that (even though we had been understanding and wanted to help)… it only gave short term cover but caused long term trust issues.
@jewels412 great advice on this thread! Hang in there. I agree, see a counselor, lie to dad about the grades and just get through school so you can make it on your own… you can do this!! For the anxiety - eat healthy and exercise 