<p>Hi, this might not be your college admissions essay, but for me I consider it as one. It is basically a mid-term essay, worth 20% of my grade. As English 2nd Semester is a required class for all places, getting an A in this class is crucial as I plan on transferring out to a UC/priv school in one year. I wrote a 2,000 word essay on how father-son relationships relate to the book, The Kite Runner and vise versa. Would anybody be willing to help me read it and look at organization and structure? I really need this grade and English is a weak subject (I can never get above a B/B+ in English). It would mean the world to me, and its due on Wed.</p>
<p>Sorry, I haven't read the Kite Runner, so when I tried to read your body paragraphs, I couldn't figure out what was going on. However, I did notice a few things from your intro and conclusion:
I like the idea of an intro anecdote, but yours seems a little bit too long. Trim it down to the essentials.
Your conclusion is a little weak. I didn't like the sentence, "There generally is a special father-son relationship", I would at least make it stronger by saying, "The father-son relationship is special in literature", or something.
One way to intro and end is to make a grandstanding statement, something big and general. I think the anecdote is fine for your intro, but your conclusion could build to some sort of big statement.
Sorry I couldn't help you more, best of luck!</p>
<p>Thanks, I did receive help from a junior I knew at the U of Wash. and he did help me with those specifics you listed too
And i agree with you on your points too. I already turned in the paper, but I did make some of the changes you listed.