<p>I am not a parent yet, but I really wanted to ask a question on behalf of my parents as they are very stressed out right now.</p>
<p>I have this uncle ( my mother’s little brother) who wanted to have his son (my cousin) going to college here (he lives in another continent). The trouble is, my uncle knows that I will be moving out soon and he wants to have his son moving in to my parents place.</p>
<p>My uncle is a very money conscience man, and he would not allow his son going into res. He leeches on us before and he was thinking since my mother is a very nice person she wouldn’t reject the idea.</p>
<p>Now, another reason why my parents are stressed out is because my cousin is very famous of having temper issues and is known to cause drama in the house. Unfortunately, this also creates another excuse for my uncle as he wants me to be his role model.</p>
<p>My parents are stressed out right now because they don’t want him living at their place yet don’t have a very good way to reject it nicely. How can we reject my uncle’s suggestion in good terms?</p>
<p>Your parents need to grow a backbone and tell your uncle that they will not take your cousin in to live.
There is no good way to do it.
Your uncle is asking too much from your family.
Your dad should take one for the team and say he is dead set against it, since your mother is too soft.
They will regret allowing this drama ruin their peaceful life.
Your uncle is an emotional bully.
Don’t let him bully your family.</p>
<p>BEngineer- based on a few clues from your post, I suspect that this may be a cultural thing as well. If I am correct, please be mindful of that, but have a frank discussion with your parents. Let them know your concerns, and how you are concerned that this may affect your family as a whole as well as you as an individual. As children, you are not always aware of all of the family dynamics that are in play and have to be considered by the parents. That is a good thing sometimes! In the end, good decision or bad, the decision is your parents, and they have to live with the consequences of their decision. Those consequences could be in your immediate family, or could extend throughout a large extended family. They have to weigh those options and choose the best path to take. Sometimes neither path is optimal.</p>
<p>This man can only take advantage if your parents let him do so. That isn’t exactly taking advantage.</p>
<p>Here in America it is considered extremely risky to do business with friends and relatives. Yes, some do it anyway, and sometimes it works out. Not because your friends are deadbeats, but because there is a great risk of causing a rift in the family.
If this potential renter/student gets behind on his obligations- or if he feels landlords aren’t meeting theirs , it is very difficult to resolve.
1/2 the family will think the kid is a stinker for stiffing you, 1/2 of the family will think you are stinkers for not giving the kid a break.</p>
<p>I understand if your parents just said “No”, the uncle would ask- why not? That is an awkward position for your parents.
I recommend they turn down the relative and use the excuse that it isn’t wise to do biz with friends/family. After that, if u rent the unit, be sure it isn’t friend or family! Do the parents even want a tenant? Maybe they will be happy with the extra room!</p>
<p>This is something which is very common in the Asian culture, but not so common in the states. I know it will be hard for your parents to say no, but they will have to. I have seen my parents agnoizing over many obligations put upon them by our relatives back home, but at the end they had to say no. </p>
<p>It would be a huge responsibility for your parents to take on your cousin. In essence they would be his responsible for him if anything should go wrong. My parents were asked to be a relative´s financial guarantor in applying for visa. My parents had to decline because they didn´t want to be on the hook. Sure, the relative wasn´t happy and he probably bad mouth my parents back home, but they all got over it. I think Asian culture is changing and becoming more westernized. Most people nowadays would think it is a huge favor, and it is not unreasonable to decline such a request.</p>
<p>This looks like a cultural issue to me as well. I have had to deal with my share of this kind of thing over the years. The most successful dodge that I have come up with is the “Gee that just won’t work here in the US because of X.” In the case of a family member who wants to study in the US and live with your parents, X could be the long-drawn-out legal headache of a formal requirement for establishing legal guardianship (if not out-and-out adoption). </p>
<p>The uncle needs to know that there is no guarantee whatsoever that his international applicant child will be able to be admitted anywhere in the US, let alone somewhere in easy commuting distance from your parents’ house. In order to get a student visa the child will have to be able to demonstrate that the full cost of at least one year of studies is readily available. That Cost of Attendance will be determined by the institution of higher education, not by the family. “I’ll live with my auntie” won’t be good enough for the visa officer when the kid goes for his interview. There is the possibility that “I’ll live with my auntie” will be taken as an indication that the kid doesn’t have strong enough ties to his home country, and then he wouldn’t get his visa at all.</p>
<p>If you are moving out for sure, is there anyone else your mom could rent your room to (or say she’s renting it to, or saving it for)? She should offer her hospitality for fall vacation, and spring break, and maybe the winter break if the nephew can’t travel home then, but that’s it.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your parents with this!</p>
<p>Thanks for all the great reply. I did have a long talk with my parents already, but they just don’t want to shut him down directly.</p>
<p>What makes it alot more worse is because my cousin has citizenship here because their family used to live here, but has later moved back when he was 5.</p>
<p>But yeah, maybe explaining to them about the legal responsibilities would change their mind.</p>
<p>And no, I don’t have grandmas and grandpas here</p>
<p>You could also tell him that part of the experience of coming to the US for college is to get the dorm experience to make friends and connections that his son will be able to leverage in his future career. You can’t do that living in your aunt’s home.</p>
<p>That puts a whole other spin on things. In some states, if the person moves there, gets a place to live, gets a job, and can demonstrate that he/she is paying for more than 50% of his/her living expenses, then he/she can establish in-state residence for tuition and fees purposes in about a year. That may be what your uncle has in mind. If the cousin can live with auntie, his expenses for that year before applying to college might be low enough to be supported on a fast-food restaurant employee salary. Living anywhere else would almost certainly be more expensive. But for this to work for establishing in-state residence, he would have to pay rent, and she would have to keep records of it. Also, it would have to be something that is clearly possible in your state of residence.</p>
<p>Assuming that the goal is for cousin to establish residency back in the US, then your parents could conceivably require a formal rental contract, and even a contract for board. That might be enough of a headache to get your uncle to drop the whole idea. If not, at least they would have clear means for justifying booting your cousin out of the house if he proves to be an unfit co-resident.</p>
<p>How about telling your uncle that the room is being rented out to help with your college expenses or, if you have finished college, to help with your parents’ finances. Since he is money conscious he likely wasn’t planning to pay rent for your cousin so he won’t counter offer to pay rent.</p>
<p>For your parents this should be easy, the answer is no. If your parents allow this to happen then they have no one to blame but themselves. Do they think your uncle will appreciate their generosity? Not a chance, I have in-laws like this and there is no limit to what miserly relatives expect to not have to pay for.</p>
<p>But this isn’t your problem. By now your parents should have figured out how to set boundaries and not get taken advantage of. Maybe they are going to have to learn the hard way not to let your uncle walk all over them.</p>
<p>This is really your parents’ issue - not yours. It’s nice of you to try to help them but it’s their house and their decision. If they don’t want him here but are afraid of saying ‘no’ and allow it anyway then that’s a decision they’ll just have to live with. They need to learn to ‘just say no’ on this and anything else or live with the consequences. They don’t owe any excuses or any explanations to this relative - they just need to say ‘no’, they’re not going to consent to this.</p>
<p>The main thing is for you to make sure ‘you’ don’t stress over this since there’s really not much you can do about it directly.</p>
<p>Thank you, those are all very good suggestions. </p>
<p>I know how to deal with this situation now. You were correct that it may not be my problem, but I will still try my best to help my parents out. I don’t think that I can just sit there and do nothing about it. I just know that if I don’t help dealing with this problem now, we would all have to suffer later.</p>
<p>But again, thanks for all of your suggestions.</p>
<p>BEng-Print out this thread for your parents.
At least they will understand how concerned you are about the pending doom and destruction he will unleash upon your family if your cousin is allowed to move in with them.</p>
<p>When it doubt I use “The Doctor says…” and make up a plausible reason why the doctor said you can’t have a free loading brat move into the house. :)</p>
<p>I let my H talk me into a houseguest who had fallen on hard times - for “just a month”. H had visions of the person helping out with cutting the grass, fixing some things, etc… while we went to work. There was no extra help offered and he actually pretended w/ humor, to be offended when asked. At exactly 4 weeks I knew I was a sucker & got him out of the house 2 1/2 weeks later. I made my H miserable everyday until he was gone. It wasn’t good.</p>
<p>Help your parents say no.</p>
<p>People don’t change who they are even when you are offering tremedous kindess. Takers will always be takers…</p>