Need input with "visiting hours" for 17 y.o.

Parent Cafe
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<p>I would like some feedback from other parents. Unfortunately I don’t have many friends with teens, and my husband (63) and I (52) are a bit older than the average parent so we may be out of touch with today’s reality. </p>

<p>The big problem we are having is about boundaries: bedtime and at-home curfew. This sounds trivial but it isn’t, because it affects our daughter’s health. Without adequate sleep she becomes extremely irritable and her bad moods affect everyone in our house. Also, she has Seasonal Affective Disorder and she is on a low dose of antidepressant and she does morning Light Therapy which works by sitting under a light every morning (about 8 am). D just turned 17 and she is out of school (had only 2 classes left so now she just goes to the local college to take those) so her classes start at 10:30 am MWF. </p>

<p>D has a boyfriend (20) who she sees 3 or 4 times a week, and each time she is with the boy for too long a time, in my mind. Sometimes he comes to our house at 3 or 4 pm and he stays until I ask him to leave…at first I waited for D to tell him to go, but that didn’t work at all, she would stay up as late as he was here, 1 am 2 am, despite being so tired…So I laid down the rules, 10 pm on weeknights and 12 midnight on weekends. D says I am being FAR too strict. </p>

<p>I tell her, maybe I am, but she needs at least 8 or 9 hours of sleep and she wakes up on her own internal body clock every morning at 8ish. Thus, I am being a concerned parent. </p>

<p>Second: the boyfriend has come to our house 2x this week, completely unexpected, and both times he showed up at 10:30 pm (one of these times was Tuesday night when D told him she was ill with a headcold and she felt crummy (true)…the other was Saturday night). I told D that this is absolutely too late to begin socializing and she says it isn’t at all, many of her friends (ages 18, 19) are driving around and out visiting each other at 11 pm and 12 am, stopping by each others homes/apartments/dorm rooms, etc. </p>

<p>To me, it seems he is very needy to “have” to have to see her so late–and on both of those occasions it was spontaneous on his part, D had no idea he was going to stop by and she had told him in advance that she was unwell/tired. </p>

<p>In defense of the boy, he is otherwise a very nice young man and D has gone out with him for several months. If I am being unreasonable, please tell me. Also, tell me what your children have for “visiting hours,” etc.</p>

<p>Thanks for your input!</p>

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<p>I think your first problem is that the BF is 3+ years older than your daughter. Nothing but trouble there. Sounds like he does not respect boundaries. Makes me wonder…</p>

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<p>And no, you are not being too strict especially given the age difference and your daughter’s youth.</p>

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<p>I think a lot of the problem is that the boy is living the lifestyle of a young adult or college student who is not under parental supervision. That age group does stay out late. But your D is still in high school and is just 17. </p>

<p>I didn’t have to have the rules that you speak about in HS frankly. My girls just never had boys over on weeknights, nor went out (but not due to a rule…they were in heavy duty extracurricular activities that went into the evenings, plus homework…usually in bed by 11 PM, unless homework was not done). One of my D’s dated but this usually meant going out one weekend night and while we never had a curfew, it depended on the activity but I’d say she was always home on a weekend by 11:30 or 12:00. We knew where she was at all times, as well. </p>

<p>I never had to make up rules along the lines that you are discussing. But if this situation came up for me, that you describe, I’d say all homework must be done first, and that on weeknights, all visits and so on must be done by 10:30 PM. Weekends, it would depend on the activity but midnight is a reasonable hour for a girl in HS to be home.</p>

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<p>By the way, your D mentions that her older friends may go over to visit someone at 11 PM or some such. But are those older friends still living with mom and dad? Or do they live on their own or in dorms? In college, or for those living independently, that is the norm. But your D lives at home and is in high school and having friends stop by late at night at YOUR home should not be permitted, let alone on a weeknight. Doesn’t your D have homework also? What older teens and young adults who live independently do should not be seen the same as what high school kids who live at home do. I would not be into teens stopping by my house at that hour at all, when my kids were in HS.</p>

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<p>Your replies were all very helpful, which brings me to another point: if, in just one year (or a bit longer) these high-school students are out of their parents homes and in college dorms, with nobody to tell them to “go to bed, dang it!”, then how do they function? [Or don’t they?]</p>

<p>The good news is that my daughter came to me this morning and told me that she “had it out” with her boyfriend last night, made it clear to him that HE needed to oblige by OUR rules (good for her!) and also that HE was being rude to HER because he was depriving her of sleep, by his inconsiderate acts. He was very apologetic and said he didn’t realize that she wakes up early, he usually sleeps in until 10 or 11 am. </p>

<p>I have another question about this but I am opening a new thread because it’s more a survey type of thing…</p>

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<p>chica…this young man is choosing to date someone who is still in high school. While it may frustrate him that she still lives at home under parental rule, that goes with the territory and he should respect that and not be stopping by your home at 11 PM. You also can set rules that weeknights are for homework and extracurricular endeavors. Weekends can be for social dates and you may wish to have a reasonable hour she needs to be home by. </p>

<p>You ask how they function in college? My kids did just fine at college even though they did not have that level of freedom in high school. I don’t think that in order to be ready for college, you have to then instill “college independence rules” on the high school level. Kids adjust. College years are a transition from parental rule to complete independence as adults.</p>

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<p>It sounds like you daughter has a good head on her shoulder.</p>

<p>I have a 20 year old and a 16 yr old daughter. While in high school, I didn’t (don’t) let them date boys out of high school. As a matter of fact, no more than 1 yr age (max 2 when 16)difference.</p>

<p>They have no time to socialize on weeknights, and they only go out on weekends. We also do a lot of driving, to and from parties, rather relying on friends. We don’t really have a curfew, come home when an event is over.</p>

<p>We don’t care what our college age daughter do when she is in college, but when she is home she follows our rules. The rules are 1) be home by 11 on weeknights because we need to get up early in the morning, 2) let us know when if she is going to be home for dinner, 3) let us know when she’s going out and when will be home, let us know if plan changes, 4) need to let us know if she is having friends over, 5) no sleeping in the same room with any boy (don’t care if she does it up at school), 6) need to do chores around the house.</p>

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<p>D1 did go a little bit wild as a freshman - staying out later and probably partied too much. But she got on track and really focused on her schoolwork. I think they take a lot of our values with them when they leave the house.</p>

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Some figure it out for themselves and institute their own rules shortly after getting used to college. Some don’t, and crash & burn first semester. They may go back or they may flunk out.</p>

<p>These things happen, and unfortunately, it is virtually impossible to determine which student will be which. However, given the conversation your daughter has already had with her boyfriend (and I love that she pointed out how inconsiderate he was being of her needs!), it’s likely that she’ll figure out what she needs to do to succeed in college.</p>

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<p>Our daughters weren’t permitted to date anyone more than one grade ahead of them in school. Only one weeknight with boyfriend if homework was done and curfew was 10:30. This rule rarely came into play as all three were multisport athletes with rigorous academics so most evenings were consisted of hours of homework after practice or games. Weekend curfew was midnight.</p>

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<p>Mine didn’t. Out of his three morning classes last semester, he failed two and got a D in the other. :mad: Not from partying, just from not having sense enough to know when to go to bed and a bad habit of turning the alarm off instead of hitting the snooze alarm. (I know you’re saying “yeah, right” about the partying, but he specifically asked for a substance-free room and complains to me on Skype about having nothing to do while everyone’s out getting drunk. It never occurs to him to use that time for studying…:rolleyes:)</p>

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<p>I’m glad she’s realized he is being disrespectful of her. </p>

<p>Everyone in the house gets enough sleep to not be grumpy, no exceptions. We only open the door at 10:30pm for an emergency. I strongly believe that having our son follow the house rules will only make his freshman year all the sweeter. He can thank us later.</p>

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<p>My kids didn’t “date” in HS, so it wasn’t an issue. Both of my kids know they need their sleep and have adjusted their college courses so they start classes late (since they wake late). They’re are happiest when their 1st class is noon or later & are often able to make their schedules around that preference.</p>

<p>They still don’t date much, but DO try to get enough sleep so they stay as healthy as possible. It is common for kids in college to keep later hours, so some nap & some have classes that start later. Other kids just get sick or figure out other methods of coping.</p>

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<p>Honestly, the age difference seems like a huge issue here. Three years is a lot, especially when she just turned 17 (could be more like 4 years, depending on his birthday). They are at completely different spots in their lives and I don’t know what a 20 year old boy wants from a 17 year old girl, but it sure doesn’t look good on paper. </p>

<p>I would very strongly urge you and your daughter to think of the influence this boy has had on her. If she has only been weight-restored for six weeks and they’ve already been dating several months, then she most likely met him while her brain was still malnourished. As I’m sure you know, this malnutrition could have impeded her ability to make healthy and rational decisions. I’m not saying this was the case here, but I think it’s a possibility that should at least be considered…</p>

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<p>To me, it is not as much about how many years apart they are, which is not a lot, but more about what stage of life they are in. A high school kid just is not living the same lifestyle as someone in college or out on their own. The high school kid should not be allowed to do what the young adult can do. He is the one who has to adjust to the fact that she is still in HS and living with her parents. She should not be the one to adjust to the young independent adult lifestyle he is at will to lead. He is choosing to date someone still in high school and has to abide by the fact that she still has rules. She is not as free to come and go. He is not free to drop by her parents’ home at 11 PM at night, as hew would be with a girl who lives in a dorm. Your boundaries for your D should be clear. If she doesn’t like these rules because these friends of hers and her BF are allowed to be out to all hours any night of the week, you can tell her she has to wait until college to be afforded that level of freedom but right now, she is not yet there.</p>

<p>To me, the dichotomy is not the age, but more the station in life. I’ll mention that my D went off to college far from home at age 16 1/2 and dated boys older than herself and could come and go the way she pleased. She did not have that level of freedom while in HS. She did date in HS but the boys were also in HS, even if older. In HS, she led the lifestyle of a HS student. In college, she had the freedoms of a college student. The “break” was at the point of leaving for college, not an age.</p>

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<p>Soozievt has made some excellent points. My kids didn’t seriously date anyone in HS, so we never had this issue. I’m glad your D has explained the rules to BF and hope that he abides by them, in respect for your family & especially D.</p>

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<p>I asked my 20 year old DS if he or he friends would date a girl that has just turned 17. His first response was “hell no”. I asked him why someone would. He said that either the guy was socially backward and was afraid of (or could not get a date with) girls their own age or the guy thought she would be an easy mark for sex because of her youth and self-esteem issues. </p>

<p>Either way I still think the BF is a huge issue, especially for a young girl with other issues. IMHO put your foot down and get him out of her life for her own safety. </p>

<p>I’m pretty liberal with my kid, but I’d draw a huge line in the sand here in your case.</p>