<p>I don’t think I’ve posted in a year or two, but I’m at a difficult point in my life and would really appreciate some advice (my own mother, while very well-intentioned, usually just resorts to cliches like "everything will work out for the best).</p>
<p>Recently, I feel like everything I love is slipping away, and as a result I don’t feel like I’m really needed by anyone. My boyfriend/fiancee, who I had recently moved in, broke up with me over my trust issues and I am currently stranded with a distant relative until I can return to my university campus. Obviously I am heartbroken, but I’ve become even more saddened by the knowledge that everyone (including me) will be graduating this spring and likely moving to find work. One of my closest friends, in search of more meaning to his life, will be joining the infantry and I’m deeply afraid that he will get killed in the line of duty. My parents were also recently in car accident, and although they are alive it really just reminded me of how easy it can be for me to lose the few people in my life I love.</p>
<p>To top it off, there’s absolutely nothing for me to do at my campus until my master’s program starts in June; I obviously gave up my on-campus jobs, and in a recession I don’t have high hopes of finding work or in any case meaningful work related to teaching. This effectively means that, for two months, I will be a useless lump that eats and wastes my parents money. Don’t get me wrong; I will look for work and volunteer, but I don’t have any illusions that I will be “needed”; someone could easily take my place in whatever minimum wage job/volunteering I end up doing.</p>
<p>My mother was independent, working, married, and had me by my age. At 22, I feel like no one needs me and the people I need have left/are leaving. How do I deal with so much change at once?</p>
<p>I apologize if this is long and reads a little more morose than I actually feel; it is hard to convey my concerns without making it sound like I’m suicidal (which I’m not at all).</p>
<p>It’s hard when you are coming up on a transition in your life, whatever it may be. When in my life I have approached transitions, I have tried to look ahead and find things that I was looking forward to in that transition period. When I transferred schools, I looked forward to the new school and the new city. When I finished school I looked forward to that new job and the new life that would come with actually having a steady income of my own. </p>
<p>You can look forward to your master’s program. Before that, you can look forward to wrapping up your current position and moving on to the next big thing. You may have a period of down time where you can get caught up on things you have wanted to do (read a trashy novel, walk the beach, whatever). Think about the things you can do, rather than the things you have lost or don’t have.</p>
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You need you. And aren’t you the most important person to you? If you give yourself this time to just be you, and give for yourself, you will probably not regret that. What would you do if you were totally free in the world? Take a trip? Jump out of an airplane? Work in a soup kitchen all summer? Why not jump and find out?</p>
<p>This is one of my personal favorite quotes:</p>
<p>This may sound like an odd question, but do you belong to an organized religion?</p>
<p>I ask because some people find a lot of meaning, community, and continuity by becoming involved in activities at their church or synagogue – and most religious organizations are very welcoming to new members.</p>
<p>A few years ago, my sister developed health problems that forced her to leave her job and go on disability (which will probably lead into early retirement). She lost most of the structure of her life at that time, as well as many of her social contacts, who were friends she had met in the course of her professional activities. She was already a member of a church, but she increased her involvement there, found compatible friends, and discovered ways in which she could contribute to the church’s community service efforts that were within her physical capabilities. More recently, she moved to a different state, and within a few months, she got involved in a church there, too. For her, it is a social outlet and it provides ways to be of service. It’s not just a spiritual thing, although she likes that part, too.</p>
<p>I would never do anything like this myself because I am not at all a religious person. But for some people, it’s a great idea. Perhaps you’re one of them.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like you are very lonely at the moment. It sounds like you have two months in limbo.
I agree that you need to start by taking care of yourself. Items to get done while you are hanging out: medical checkup, dental checkup, haircut, nail appointment, exercise, organize your wardrobe, sort all of your leftover papers from college. I find that checking items like the above off my list always makes me feel better.
I also think that taking care of others is uplifting. There is a desperate need for volunteers at many non-profits. For example, is there a Ronald McDonald House near you? Our local Ronald McDonald House needs volunteers to play games, read books and assist with homework with siblings of kids getting treatment at Stanford Hospital. This kind of volunteer work doesn’t require any special skills, just a helpful attitude, and it is incredibly rewarding.</p>
<p>One more thought: you use the word “stranded” for your current housing status. Are there any other relatives to stay with who live in more exciting locations?</p>
<p>I understand this feeling of needing to be needed, as I’ve struggled with this orientation my entire life. It’s great to be needed, but it’s not good to put so much stock in it that your self-worth and happiness depends on it. </p>
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<p>I really like Sylvan’s advice. This seems like a good time for your own growth and development because you don’t have too many other responsibilities right now. Think of these two months as a gift of time. Once your program starts, you’ll be very busy and may not have time to do anything either frivolous or meaningful, just for you.</p>
<p>I was “stranded” at home between college and grad school, and again after finishing grad school, so I totally understand just how awful this can feel. Some things that I did to soak up the time included taking free or ridiculously inexpensive night classes in subjects that were interesting to me like photography, doing a bit of volunteer work with community organizations that I liked, renewing an expired Water Safety Instructor Certificate so that I could teach swimming and do a bit of lifeguarding at the YMCA, and just generally helping out around the house. If your parents have been slowed down at all by their traffic accident, they might be glad to have you pop by and lend a hand. Have you asked them about that? Is there any paid work at all that you could do? For example, if you were to get a job at a national retailer, you could transfer to a location closer to your grad program eventually, and have a part-time and/or seasonal job to supplement your income once you return to your studies.</p>
<p>You also should consider looking around for free/cheap mental health treatment in your current community. Even just a couple of visits can be enough to help you get headed back to a more positive outlook.</p>
<p>The biggest identity crisis I ever experienced was after graduating from college. It didn’t matter that I had a job - a job I was excited about. I still felt that almost overnight I changed from a person with a very specific fun identity (a literature student at an exciting university in an exciting city) to a generic schmuck - just another twenty-something trying to act like a grownup in a world of real grownups. And even though I liked my job, I was still very depressed by the reality of 9-5. I felt like I had no life. Friends I’d spend hours with as a student suddenly became available only for a drink once in a while because we were all too busy working and commuting. </p>
<p>What I’m trying to say is that even the most driven and self-directed people suffer anxiety during periods of change. You’re not alone. Odds are most of your friends are experiencing similar kind of fear. So cut yourself some slack. Allow yourself time to mourn the end of your engagement and the end of an important phase of your life. </p>
<p>I know that doesn’t address all of your issues - but it’s an important beginning. Once you feel OK about your feelings - and once you learn to deal with them - the rest will be easier to manage.</p>
<p>Nothing is wasted if you’re learning something from it. If you are headed for a teaching career, that faculty will likely teach you to be a “reflective practitioner” who thinks about what just happened to glean wisdom from it. Even your current uncomfortable feeling of falling through space will someday be useful to you, professionally. You’ll be talking to the parent of a student who’s in job or divorce free-fall, and you’ll understand exactly how they feel, and how that might impact your student at home. Repeating: nothing is wasted.</p>
<p>Whatever work or volunteering you do in the next 2 months has value. If you end up pouring coffee, because that’s all you can pick up in a short time-frame, you’ll begin to envision parents who do such jobs for a lifetime. Many teachers are in it because they personally loved school and the learning process. But they do not have insight into parents whose lives do not wrap and revolve around education. If you work in a min-wage job, believe me, it’ll enlarge your perception of how much of the country lives. As a teacher, your students will come from every background. Wake up at 4 a.m. to start a shift, even for a few weeks, and you’ll be less prone to judge parents critically when their children show up for school with unmatching shoes and unfinished homework. </p>
<p>Better yet, if you volunteer in any capacity with children - at a hospital, daycare center, afterschool program, library… - you’ll quickly discover that they live in the moment. THEY will need you, and faster than you think. Of course you can be replaced in those positions, but the experiences you have, in-the-moment with children, are irreplaceable to you.</p>