<p>Separate the money issue from the social issues.</p>
<p>Even if your kids were respectful, well behaved, and not seeing these guys, would you be able to afford to send them to the planned colleges? If not, then you need to let them know right away - face to face (not via email) in as calm and businesslike of a manner as you can muster.</p>
<p>If paying for the colleges isn’t really a problem because you somehow have it covered, then just focus on the social aspects and use the tuiton as leverage if that’s what you want to do since it’s your money (but expect ramifications from it).</p>
<p>Something attracted the girls to these guys. I understand that you don’t think your kids are doing drugs but keep in mind that I’ve noticed there aren’t a lot of druggie types attracted to and hanging out with non-druggie types - it’s too big of a part of their lives to segregate it that much. Even if your kids aren’t into drugs (yet) why are they attracted to these downtrodden types? Both of these are issues that could continue even if they head elsewhere to college. </p>
<p>Have you considered some family counseling? Your situation really calls for it since there are a number of issues at play here and it’s not resolving itself.</p>
<p>It is so important for you to take care of yourself before spending that money on college. If you drain your savings, what will you have to fall back on when you are older? Even without all of the other factors, it does not sound like either daughter is mature enough at this point to succeed if you send her away to school. I would lay down some rules regarding your support for them. You have to come up with rules that are good for your situation, but one of our requirements we have is that you either go to school full time or work and contribute to the household expenses (rent, food). I realize that philosophy doesn’t work for everyone, but find something that works for you. I also would send them to a local CC until I could see that they are serious about school (which it does not sound as if they are). I can’t imagine putting that much money into their education when it does not sound as if they will appreciate it one bit. Good luck!</p>
<p>I am involved in the local highschool here(PTA’s), and my DD is in the same age as yours’, 18. My DD is a class of 2014 as well. Of the 100’s kids I know, NONE of those UCLA and Penn caliber go out for 3 days not telling their parents, nevermind going out with opposit sexes that are drug addicts for 3 days. I’d chaperoned(or some one will) my DD if she is going out for 3 days. There is a fundamental problem with your daughters there, as 18 year old are not Cinderallas, their carrirages do not turn into pumkins on stroke of 12. So don’t tell me some kids changed their behavior because they are 18 and before then they were top students.</p>
<p>Just think this way, had you send them to school and since there is less supervison, they could go out for weeks without studying, it will have unthinkable end results. If you do not fix that, you mind as well give me the money.</p>
<p>I see you start become defensive because we are getting to the center of the problem. That is fine with me. You do not have to open your door and show everyone the dirty laundry. But as I said, seek help from conselors/doctors/psycologests or whoever can help your family. Perhaps speak to your family doctor and have him refer you to some shrink.</p>
<p>artlovers, while I can see your point, I am uncomfortable with your “tone”. This lady is alone and trying to deal with a very difficult situation that could have big ramifications for herself and her daughters. She is scared and as she stated in her original post she is concerned she is not thinking clearly. While what you have to say does have merit, counseling is probably needed, I think you could speak a little more kindly.</p>
<p>With all due respect artloversplus, I certainly do not appreciate your tone. I am not getting defensive, I am merely trying to correct your assumptions. Who said my daughters where with their drug addict boyfriends? Seriously, based on your reply, I am not the only one who needs help. I do not, nor do I care to know your situation, but raising daughters on your own can be difficult. Divorce is not easy on anyone and I am sure that no one escapes unscathed. I hope everything goes smoothly with your children. I am sure it will because you seem to have all the answers, but quite frankly, I am not sure you know what all the questions are. You seem to imply that there is something I am not revealing, something more sinister than what I am telling you. I can clearly see that there are some issues here. Exactly my concern.</p>
<p>Codeson - First of all, here is a big hug for you. Take a deep breath, girl.</p>
<p>If this situation were happening in our home, I would not be shelling out $75,000 for their first year of school. If their past and current actions are any indication of what they will do once they get away, they will most likely flunk out anyway. Please don’t think I am being mean, but do you really think they will change by the end of August? Likely, they will be leaving home in only 4 or 5 weeks. Will their maturity level change by then? Will they be ready and willing to work hard for for academic success?<br>
I would suggest a community college or a college nearby where they can live at home and show you that they are ready to study and do what it takes to gain their education. Some ground rules need to be laid down as to what you expect at home. Maybe the three of you could decide what they are, or maybe they are strictly your rules. Yes, they will be angry at you. It won’t be the first time, and it won’t be the last time. Should they go and live with their Dad and attend school near him? That would get them away from their current environment. That might be an option. I would offer to them that once they are successful with college while living at home, then they may be mature enough to handle themselves while away. You do need to have a financial discussion with them.<br>
I have always read that we can borrow money for college, but we cannot borrow money for our retirement. You need to keep your retirement. It is coming up faster than we all think. Please do not spend your retirement fund on their education, especially if they will not even appreciate it right now.
I wish you luck and will pray for your family.</p>