Need some feedback on this essay PLEASE.

<p>Just did a practice essay from the blue book, I don’t know what to think of what i wrote, i think it is decent but i don’t think it is great. Any feedback would be nice. I have typed it just as i wrote it so all possible grammatical mistakes are still present. What score would i possibly get on this essay?</p>

<p>The Topic was: Is Conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power?</p>

<p>Man is merely the product of a set of evolutionary steps. The human race has risen above the rest of the animal world through savagery and commanding the elements. As humanity has progressed, it has been assumed that Humans have evolved into compassionate and benevolent creatures. At the most basic levels, humans are primal creatures who act in favor of benefitting themselves. Conscience is merely an obstacle and not a motivator to the modern man. Several examples from history and the world today support this stance.</p>

<p>In 2008 with the American Economy in turmoil, the nation was further jolted by the discovery of a massive Ponzi scheme. the scheme was orchestrated by Bernie Madoff. He had over a period of 10 or so years stolen 50 billion dollars from investors. Bernie Madoff is a prime example of how conscience is nothing but a mere obstacle to humans. Bernie Madoff wanted money and power, he was motivated by that desire for wealth. His conscience may have told him that such actions were wrong but he did not heed those warnings. Conscience did not motivate Madoff, but money did. Bernie Madoff may have wrestled with his conscience before beggining his scheme but again, it was to no avail. Madoff followed his most basal instincts and desires; he did not follow his conscience.</p>

<p>Nearing the end of President Clinton’s second term, his administration was rocked by scandal. President Clinton was accused of lying to the nation and was brought up on impeachment charges. No doubt President Clinton went against his conscience to commit the acts that he did. Then when his indiscretions were brought to light, his desire to stay in power kept him from speaking the truth. this is another case where conscience did not motivate an individual but served merely as an obstacle to overcome. Humans follow their primal desires, anything that contradicts those desires or motivators must be trampled.</p>

<p>Conscience will never be a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power simply because conscience cannot hold its ground against these “evils”. Humans just like their great ancestors will not heed something that tells them to reject their desires. Conscience impedes motivation, conscience is that safety valve that screams not to take certain actions. It is not a device that serves to motivate humans to take action. Money, fame, and power in modern society are the great triumvirate. Humans have not evolved to the point where conscience can join them.</p>

<p>bbuummpp bbuummpp</p>

<p>9-10ish. Aim for 3 examples.</p>

<p>Well, the first thing I noticed was the sentence variation (or lack thereof). Especially your first example, if you reread it, you should be able to see that there are a lot of short, choppy sentences that could potentially flow much better.</p>

<p>You have some weird capitalization, but thats not much of a problem…</p>

<p>Another thing that might help is starting with a topic sentence in order to lay out the main argument of that specific example.</p>

<p>Also, considering that the graders only have a few minutes to grade this, realize that although you are arguing against conscience, it is your most heavily emphasized word. Changing the subject in those sentences from conscience to fame/power/wealth would be better.</p>

<p>thanks for the advice. I was going for 3 examples but those two and conclusion itself took up all the space.</p>

<p>I guess i will have to try to work on that sentence variation thing.</p>

<p>bump bump bump</p>