need some input and guidance please

<p>my son has a friend/classmate, both male sophomores in high school/ the friend is dating a female freshman in college. my son and he went mini golfing and i later saw a post on my son's facebook page saying he and his friend went on a double date. so first concern is that he lied to me because he told me that it was going to be just his friend and him. second, i am concerned about the whole age difference issue. the girls are both college freshman. so i am wondering if sex is involved, is this considered statutory rape - boys are 15 and girls are 19. i am also looking for any recommendations/guidance in dealing with the lying and this age difference and if the kids could have any legal consequences. thanks.</p>

<p>My first reaction would be to ask why any 19 year old girl would be interested in a 15 year old boy- she has to be extremely immature! And while I would not automatically assume sex is involved, the boys are definitely more pressured to have sex with an older girl, and yes, it would be considered statutory rape. </p>

<p>How did you happen to see this comment on FB- are you his "friend" or did he happen to leave it open and you snooped? The only reason I ask is that if you approach him with info you got from his FB, he will take every precaution to make sure you don't see it again. I might approach him and say that someone you know happened to see him out with ________ and noticed there were a couple of girls with them. Explain that while he might not have been intentionally lying, he was lying by ommission. Have you already established any rules about dating? If not, this is a good time to do so. I would not let a 15 year old hang around with 19 year olds in any case- male or female- as I just don't think the maturity level or good decision making is there yet. I have learned from my older kids that it is best to clamp down the instant your kids start making bad decisions- don't wait until something bad really happens. I would set forth what your expectations are, including age restrictions on dating, and that you need to know where he is and who he is with at all times. This isn't being controlling, just safe! If he isn't willing to abide by your rules, I would start limiting his activities. Good luck- it is a tough situation.</p>

<p>takeitallin,</p>

<p>thanks so much for responding. i saw the post via a page we had set up for our dog. he hasn't changed the privacy settings so i can see his posts there. he doesn't know this. i was not sure how to approach him with this upsetting knowledge, so thank you for that. it is scary because generally he is a very smart KID, does his homework, honor roll, sports etc. i totally agree with your suggestions and very much appreciate your input! thank you.</p>

<p>I think it's unlikely that any statutory rape case involving a 19 yr old girl and a 15 yr old boy has ever been prosecuted. It would have to be the underage "victim" or his family who presses the charges anyway.
Unless your religious principles forbid premarital sex, I'd go for having the safe sex and respectful human relations talk with your son. This "date" on the miniature golf course doesn't sound like a cause for much distress to me, even if it was a real "date", whatever that means to teenagers in 2011 (but that description may have been a Facebook packaging of the event to bolster your son's public image a little). With respect to takeitallin, how do you truly prevent your 15 yr old from ever socializing with 19 yr olds, and can't the kids of his own age be equally bad influences if not worse?</p>

<p>I can believe one college freshman girl going outwith a 15-year-old, but two? Maybe it really was nothing but a game of minigolf.</p>

<p>How is your relationship with him generally, aside from this incident?</p>

<p>Right now, you are observing him surreptitiously, via the dog's fb page; he has lied to you, and you are thinking of addressing his lying to you by lying back to him (about how you found out).</p>

<p>I would consider a clearing of the air. He is going to be a minor in your house for several more years, and there needs to be mutual trust during that time.</p>

<p>If he specifically told you that he was going with his friend and only his friend, there should be a discussion of what he had in mind and there should be consequences imo. Whether or not the reported "double date" is innocent or exaggerated, he apparently intentionally lied to you, for whatever reason. I would favor finding out why. </p>

<p>Similarly, if you have lied to him about facebook, or allowed him to believe that you don't have access to his fb page when in fact you do, that should be corrected imo. You have every right to have access to his facebook page, you can insist on that (as I do), but not, imo, by means of lying to him. Imagine his sense of betrayal when he finds out.</p>

<p>Yournson posted he went on a double date. Maybe he exaggerated to events to impress? Wouldn't surprise me in the least. My gut tellls me hsinfriends girlfriend brought along a friend, maybe for the ridee, maybe to meet the bf</p>

<p>Your son is going to go to football games, the mall, movies, volunteering, and willnhang out with friends, either planned or notnand will not share every detail. And its notnlying it's just not sharing everything and very often it is spur of the moment. </p>

<p>Be prepared for not knowing every detail of your sons life</p>

<p>Totally agree with Seahorse.</p>

<p>Consider the context. If he is generally responsible and as thoughtful as a 15 year old boy could be, doing well in school, I would tend to trust him. Yes, keep an eye open, but I agree with posters that said this is the beginning of not knowing everything he does. At this age, I began loading up DD with positives about how much I trusted her, how proud I was of her demonstrated values, etc. I think kids rise to your impressions. That said, I also said things like "if you are ever in a situation wehre you are uncomfortable, call us. We will come get you no questions asked." "Always know you can blame us for not "letting you go" if you don't think a plan is a good choice." At the suggestion of a friend, we brainstormed methods to get out of a party, etc e.g. "I'm sorry - I have a really bad headache - feel like I am going to throw up so I'm going to have to bail out. Don't worry - my dad will come pick me up." This is the point where all the hard work you have done on teaching good values and ethics and all the people you have surrounded him with as role models will hopefully be internalized. I will never forget the day that I overheard my daughter talking to a friend about getting out of an abusive relationship - couldn't believe the wisdom that came out of DD's mouth. All that we had taught her - the stuff she rolled her eyes at - had actually been absorbed. who knew.</p>