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How does that work on a regular basis? does she just ignore the wedding or does she cut out the new spouse?</p>
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I believe you, but I fear that your brother won’t. I still think the best thing is to contact your niece and say, “It’s awful–I still haven’t sent you a wedding present! What’s your mailing address?”</p>
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That’s wishful thinking, teri. Didn’t you just say that you had lived in the same town with that brother, and had been in their house just a handful of times? So the issue is not one of physical proximity; it’s emotional proximity. And if you lived closer, you’d just be beating yourself up more. </p>
<p>And these issues don’t occur just because one is of a different age than one’s siblings. My brother is only 3 years older than I am, and we are not close. For example, I drove 3 hours with my then 5 year old daughter to go to his daughter’s 7th birthday party (about 3 PM, so between meals). It was held at their house. But they had “dinner plans” so we were unceremoniously ushered out of their house with the other neighborhood guests. Never again. This weekend, my brother came up to visit my mother, who lives 20 minutes from me and never even told me he was coming. </p>
<p>I think about these situations every time I wonder if my d would have been better off if she weren’t an only child!</p>
<p>Lot of good comments. I’ve known teriwtt, husband & kids for quite a few years now, and she’s a caring individual. She also is like my youngest brother in that regard, wanting to make sure that everything is right when, unfortunately, sometimes it’s virtually impossible to do so. I’m the oldest of 4 boys, and for whatever reason I have a screw-you mentality whenever there is strife between the brothers or wives. It’ll either get worked out or it won’t.</p>
<p>I haven’t read the whole thread (just glanced at a few posts) so apologize for any redundancy. I too have a difficult brother whose limited interaction is more trouble than it is worth. We try to maintain a civil, cordial interaction, though I don’t trust his intentions (that a story for another time). I agree with cartera, that it may be healthy for you to write a long cathartic letter to your brother, but DON’T send it! It is for you, not for him. You can’t change him, only how you choose to respond to him. I wouldn’t sink to his level and write a nasty letter or email. Who knows what he’ll do with it. In the end, you have to live with the choices you make, and staying on the higher road is a nice thing. </p>
<p>As for your goddaughter, I agree-- either send a private msg on facebook asking for her address, or ask from another relative, and send her a nice wedding present. </p>
<p>There was a thread a few weeks back about someone whose sister was trying to forge an unhealthy bond with their dau (the sister’s niece) b/c the daughter/niece attended college in the town the sister live in. Who knows how your bro will interpret your contacting his dau-- so keep it appropriate, polite and brief. Good luck!</p>
<p>By the way, you can try looking up her address, if you know her current last name or H’s name, on whitepages.com or zabasearch.</p>
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You’re going to make me cry again. But thanks for the insight.</p>
<p>From the book Born To Win by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward</p>
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<p>As challenging as it may be (for all of us), we should at least strive to deal only in the currency of love (even when provoked). When rejecting every impulse other than ones which come from patience, empathy, forgiveness, and a healthy type of detachment, we may not succeed in solving a problem but we can at least avoid adding to it (and driving ourselves crazy in the process)</p>
<p>I have found that when it comes to our immediate family, non-relationships require a lot more psychological effort than bad ones. For your own health over the long term, I would try to maintain at least an emotionally detached relationship with this brother. You can set boundaries, but still keep the door open (because keeping it closed can be exhausting).</p>
<p>Basically what I am saying is that your brother clearly collected a whole lot of stamps, and you were the lucky recipient of his cashing in. None of those stamps probably has a thing to do with you, so knowing that perhaps you can find a small spot in the corner of your heart for him in the future (if not for him, then at least for yourself, because it makes life a lot easier).</p>
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<p>I think this is excellent advice. </p>
<p>I personally would really need to get it all down in writing in order to get it our of my head. You may or may not have that need. </p>
<p>I would not necessarily have the need to send it. There have been a couple of situations in recent years where I’ve felt the need to “write the letter.” One was personal, the other was not. In the non-personal case, I ended up not sending it; in the other I sent it. Sending it resulted in clearing the air and repairing the relationship. If I had not done so, I would not have been able to continue having a relationship with the person in question.</p>
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<p>I had forgotten this, but the first time I went to my H’s parents’ home in a distant state, they had a picture of him at his first wedding on display. (It was a very short marriage!) And his mother called me by the other woman’s name!</p>
<p>I didn’t get angry about it, since there were so many other insults to choose from…:D</p>
<p>whooh,
- I’m glad I’m an only child</p>
<p>2) I noticed in the original e-mail that the bride had moved and started her residency, she’s way too busy to be worrying too much about Dad and Aunt Teri’s issues, she’s stille trying to get the thank you notes written.</p>
<p>3) She is an adult and I’m hearing that you want an on-going relationship with her. Contact her in whatever way you can, get her address and send her a gift. Take responsibility for the lateness of the gift. wish her well. I might even get the address from one of your SILs, no real explanation given. Done.</p>
<p>Teri, this is the type of message I suggest you send to your niece:</p>
<p>I was so sorry that I couldn’t be at your wedding. Now that you are settled into your new home and residency, please send me your address so I can send you a combination wedding and house warmng present.</p>
<p>mafool - that’s what I was looking for. Do I have to cite you if I use it word for word? ;)</p>
<p>teriwtt:</p>
<p>Sorry to jump in late here - I just finished reading the whole thread. I don’t want to repeat what was said above, but I would hold off on sending your niece the present. She is sure to tell her parents that you did so - and by sending it now, he might feel that his email was vindicated. </p>
<p>Wait a month - and then ask for the address. After this amount of time, what’s another month.</p>
<p>Not at all, happy to help!!! (But please fix my spelling.)</p>
<p>scualum - Oh, I thought of that, but it could also be interpreted as being passive aggressive. What do others think?</p>
<p>It kind of sounds like that as it relates to your brother, it will be “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” So I’d just do what you think would be the most meaningful to your niece. If she’s doing her residency, she’s probably so overwhelmed and busy that it hasn’t even clicked in her mind that she hasn’t received anything from you. I’d go ahead and send it-it will probably make her day.</p>
<p>I’ve been reading this thread with great interest because I have two much older brothers and my relationship with them has been strained at best. FWIW, I like Mafool’s suggestion for an email to your niece - it’s direct, to the point & pleasant. If your niece wishes to remain in touch, she’s sure to reply. I would not care or worry about whether your brother may feel vindicated if he hears of your gift. Forget him, at least for now, and channel your energy on something positive such as selecting a nice but affordable gift. If for some reason you’re unable to get in touch with your niece, perhaps you can find her registry info online and send something through the store. I’ve done that before with good results.</p>
<p>In previous posts, teriwitt has come across as a good and sincere person. However…if I’d lost a child and my sister contacted me out of the blue to ask for a recording of the service so she could use it as a template for another young person’s funeral as part of her job–well, I’d have sent a howler too. And that would be the case even if I had previously promised to send it. </p>
<p>It would be one thing if teri had asked for it some time ago to remember her nephew; it’s another to send an email saying “I liked it and I’d like to copy some elements for someone else’s funeral.” </p>
<p>While the brother may have acted like a jerk, if I’d gotten the email in the same circumstances, I’d have acted like a jerk too.</p>
<p>jonri - I can’t possibly explain every detail here. There have been several phone conversations, etc. since his death, and he was the one who originally volunteered to send the DVD. I didn’t want to copy it the funeral my nephew had; I wanted to hear what the pastor said again, so it might inspire me. The elements I used were what the family wanted, not me. </p>
<p>Like I said, we’d had a conversation once about how to make something good come out of something bad (too philosophical and lengthy to get into here). Had we not ever had that conversation and I didn’t know that about him, I would have never asked. </p>
<p>As an aside, people who conduct funerals borrow ideas and elements from other services all the time. In fact, they had my nephew’s funeral at a church they didn’t belong to, because they had attended a funeral there once of another young person, and appreciated how the pastor did it.</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while, obviously, and something occured to me. As mentioned, I have a lot of first cousins, just on my mom’s side. As I think back over time, my mother did not have the same level of relationship with all her nieces and nephews. She was closer to some than others, and kept more in touch with some than others. Some of that had to do with which brothers and sisters she was closer to and/or geographic nearness. </p>
<p>When I went to my aunt’s 90th birthday party last summer (hmmm… my brother was off traveling along the coast of California, so he couldn’t make it, despite months of advanced notice) I was surprised to hear that my this aunt thought of my mom as her closest sibling. I never knew this, but it explained some things in hindsight, like which relatives you spent more time and resources going to visit. My mom was second youngest out of ten children, and I know she did not have the same relationship with her older sibs as with those who were closer. My problem is that I don’t have any closer in age.</p>