Need suggestions on how to tactfully handle a difficult situation

Parent Cafe
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<p>Teri, Sorry if I misunderstood. I just based what I said on what you wrote. It sounded like after months of no contact, you sent an email saying “I have to write a funeral service for a young man. Could you please send me a copy of your son’s to help me get ideas?” I know that people borrow ideas all the time–I actually wrote one memorial service myself, in rather odd circumstances. I still wouldn’t ask the parents of a young person who died for the “script.” </p>

<p>Again, if that’s not what happened, I just misunderstood.</p>

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<p>jonri - I guess I can see where you assumed that’s what I did, because I did also start a thread asking CCers for their experiences in attending funerals of young adults, and what they thought worked, and what they didn’t think worked. Even with that thread, I was looking for ideas that I could then present to the family. I wasn’t necesarily asking my brother for ideas; in fact, what I ended up doing was very, very different from what they did for my nephew, and I knew that ahead of time. I was mostly interested in the pastor’s message. And you know what? I’d still like to hear that message again (or be able to read it, if it’s in a hard copy), because I think it is applicable to many times in our lives. And there are times I need to hear those words, too.</p>

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<p>Woo boy. To quote Tolstoy, “Every happy family is alike, and every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”</p>

<p>I like the “saving stamps” analogy. To choose one at random from among my various cousins, aunts & uncles, I had one aunt who would suddenly explode and list all the terrible & thoughtless injustices that had been practiced against her, while we scratched our heads and went “Huh?” The best solution was to ignore her until she got over it.</p>

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<p>Wow, this issue seems to touch a chord with everyone, either first or secondhand. I agree that the niece is old enough to be contacted directly and should be left out of any other family squabbles. I also agree that you should write the response you would like to write. If you write it via email, start with a blank message and do not put any address in it, or put your own address, so that you can’t mistakenly send it to anyone. You will definitely feel better having written it. But after time goes by, you will feel less and less of a need to send it.</p>

<p>One poster mentioned the fact that your nephew died. Could it be that this diatribe was set off by your inadvertently touching a very raw nerve. It does not seem like this B would be one to deal well with grieving and the raw emotions it exposes. More likely that he would simply submerge those feelings without dealing with them. Your, seemingly matter of fact, request, might have touched off a firestorm that expressed itself in another way. He couldn’t deal with his grief, so he lashed out at you in real or imagined slights. </p>

<p>I have noticed that in family communications, words are often of little value because the words that are said often have nothing whatsoever to do with what needs to be expressed.</p>

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<p>I have not continued to read most of this thread, but yes, I did bring this up in post #37.</p>

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<p>I, too, keep wondering if I had asked him about any other issue, would his reaction have been the same. However, going back ten or so years ago, I heard through my father that this brother, back then, even thought I was selfish. So this is a view he’s held for a long time.</p>

<p>The funny thing is, if I’m such a selfish, greedy person, why does he continue to ‘do’ things for me that I do not ask for? For instance, several years ago, when flying to an area where I had to attend another funeral, I was planning on renting a car (I actually prefer to have my own transportation and not be reliant on others when I travel) he insisted on picking me up at the airport. Two times in the past year, when we’ve made plans for vacations to places that he’s been to, he has voluntarily sent me any pamphlets, flyers, etc. I always appreciate it, and in a very timely manner, return them to him when we return. But I never, ever ask him for anything because of what I heard he said to my father many years ago. Heck, if I thought someone was so selfish that I couldn’t find a nice thing to say about them, I’d just stop offering.</p>

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<p>Yes, he was killed almost two years ago in a car accident. My daughters and I attended the funeral. After returning home, we turned around and left two days later to attend D2’s college orientation overnight. The day we were driving back to the airport from the orientation, we were rear-ended by a semi-truck, sitting in traffic on an interstate. I think we only escaped because 1, we had our seatbelts on (which his son did not), 2, the semi was the cab only, was not carrying a trailer. Needless to say, it was quite traumatic for us. For the few seconds I saw that semi coming at us in the rear view mirror (D was asleep), I thought we were going to be the second and third ones in our family killed in a wreck in a week.</p>

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<p>teri, he chose that moment to lash out. He could have chosen a different opportunity to do it, but he chose to lash out when you asked for some info from his son’s funeral. My guess is that has everything to do with your email opening wounds, or allowing him the opportunity to express some anger and just vent. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for him to have lost his son. He sits there in his pain, and watches what seems like everyone else who has their kids there to love, who are healthy and happy, and have a future. How sad for him.</p>

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<p>teri, wow, that must have freaked you out! How scary!</p>

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<p>it was traumatic, although luckily our injuries were relatively minor. But the hardest part was that I was so upset and as you said, ‘freaked out’ about it, yet couldn’t talk to any of my brothers about it. I wanted to tell them so bad, because I thought only they could understand the significance of the timing and how traumatic it was emotionally. But at the time, I felt if I called them and started ranting, it would sound ‘ungrateful’ considering that I and my daughter were still alive.</p>

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<p>I can only imagine! I do think that you might the right decision with what had just happened in your family not to discuss it. At that time, you were all still shocked by what had happened to your nephew. They weren’t there when you were hit, so they did not have the same experience that you did, and they would hear that you were alive, and therefore in comparison to what happened with your nephew, you were “okay”.</p>

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<p>Hi Teri:</p>

<p>I am sorry you are dealing with this hurtful situation. I have been on the big sister end of something similar with my sister recently and I know how draining it is.</p>

<p>I do think Jonri may be on to something. I also think your brother’s diatribe may have had less to do with you and more to do with him; I have found that’s often the case when the reaction is in no way equal or opposite to the action, so to speak. I would suggest a telephone call to your brother rather than anything written (although putting your thoughts on paper for your own reference would probably be helpful). So much can be lost in the written word, especially if one is not accustomed to putting one’s feelings in print (I know you get lots of practice, but maybe he doesn’t). It might be helpful to mention

Again, as you are apparently more accustomed to handling deep grief (as a chaplain, I think), it’s quite possible something that he said in conversation to you, that you took as meaningful or constructive or healthy, may have been something that, in the raw numbness of grief (even years later), really held no meaning for him at the time and was therefore not retained at all. If that were the case, it would certainly seem insensitive to want to find inspiration from his son’s service; I could see where it might make him feel as though his son’s death had no more meaning to you than the death of the person whose service you are seeking inspiration for. (By no means am I suggesting this is the case–It’s just I think you are necessarily capable of a certain amount of detachment that he would understandably find distasteful.)</p>

<p>Regarding relationships with grown siblings, in general, a family member who is a therapist once said to me about such relationships that we all grow up expecting that because we’re all related, we should like each other, when we all grow into adults like all the other adults and there may or may not be grounds for affinity. I have endured much grief about the relationship I have with my sister and what I ultimately decided is that I want to have a relationship with my sister and I guess she decided the same. She had a laundry list of my offenses from the past many years. We discussed much of her list and agreed to put our issues behind us and begin anew. She has imposed rules (namely that we don’t exchange gifts for our children–hers are quite young) that I do not like, but I’ve accepted that as a condition of maintaining a relationship. Someone said it’s easier to leave the door open–I agree with that. My relationship with my sister is not what I would like it to be. I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be friends if we weren’t related and instead met at work or something, and that’s okay. At least I can look forward to painful wedding invitation situations in the future ;).</p>

<p>On the gift for the niece, just send it. Find the address online, ask the niece for it, ask your brother for it. Just send it with your heartfelt congratulations and a quick note of apology for the tardiness. </p>

<p>I also got a bunch of “those” emails from my brother during the last presidential election cycle and finally took the time to respond point by point and relay my views. My brother apologized for sending them and told me he really had no strong views and was just passing on what he essentially found entertaining.</p>

<p>My sympathies for your pain.</p>

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<p>Going back to your brother’s email, isn’t it possible that the anger came from his not understanding that you needed the info from his son’s funeral to help another grieving family. Rather he just might have thought, how dare you bring up my son’s death so casually in an email and not understand the pain that I am going through, or perhaps he did not mind your asking, but that moment gave him the permission to vent at a sibling who has her family intact, while his is not, and sadly will never be whole again.</p>

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<p>My Dad and my sister are opposite political parties and my sister gets so annoyed with Dad for sending those emails, she wanted to take it personally, but he is just being lame not hostile. He just sends stuff to his list, figures she would want to see it, hear it, know it is being said about her ‘guy’ but is not trying to change her mind. She & I and my mother have all asked him to refrain, but he still does it.</p>

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<p>I’m still inclined to advocate for a simple acknowledgment and/or reflection of feelings, along with a practical step to get the address. </p>

<p>“I am very sorry to hear your feelings towards me.”</p>

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<p>In many of OP’s posts I am hearing the ways in which she is in the right in her relationship with her brother. She may well be. However, self-justification, in word and/or spirit, is not going to bring peace. </p>

<p>Whatever the circumstances, the fact is that the niece has been married for at least six months now and she has not received a wedding present from her aunt. I’m sorry to say that imho this reflects poorly on OP, and I believe that a sincere and non-self-exculpatory apology is in order. How difficult is it to get an address? How much effort has been devoted to that? Brother (and niece) have good reason to feel hurt about this seeming slight, imho.</p>

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<p>ADad, Except that the OP was the one who reached out to her niece in order to express her desire to send the gift - it was obvious that she wanted and still intended to send one. At any rate, I’d send it now. Nobody can accuse her of doing so because she was guilted into it - it was clearly her own gesture. </p>

<p>teriwtt, I’m also wondering - perhaps your comment about the announcements(something that shouldn’t have elicited the kind of reaction even if your brother was “right” on that point) brought up feelings that his daughter’s big day wasn’t the celebration that it might have been under other, happier, circumstances. Or maybe your niece didn’t have the heart for a big celebration, herself and he felt cheated on her behalf. Also (and I hate to say it) but I have to concur with the theory that discussing the use of the son’s funeral transcript in an email may not have been the most sensitive thing and could have triggered a negative reaction on your brother’s part. </p>

<p>On the good side - your brother’s comments about taking good from bad, the philosophical discussions, the remark about how much he appreciated your D singing at the funeral - all these things seem to suggest warm and positive feelings toward you in the not so distant past. He does sound like a particularly sensitive individual, however. It’s also a really good possibility that depression has a big role in all this. Maybe you should overlook most of his behavior right now and just let him know that whatever he may think, you have always only had only the best of intentions and warm feelings toward him and his family. I think that’s how I’d approach it. </p>

<p>PS I hope this link is not too obnoxious - I’m just hoping that if there’s a little bit of common ground and you concede a point or two , then he’ll eventually come around, as well!</p>

<p>[Wedding</a> Invitations: Wedding Announcements](<a href=“http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-announcements.aspx?MsdVisit=1]Wedding”>http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-announcements.aspx?MsdVisit=1)</p>

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<p>adad - it’s barely been four months. I think with my other niece, it was about three months after her wedding when we got an announcement, and I didn’t think twice about it.</p>

<p>roshke - I think that’s the point that’s so hurtful. That I reached out to her immediately within a week or two of the wedding, offering my congratulations and while I may have been wrong, assuming there would be announcements that would provide me with her new address, I did initiate the communication. If, back then, they had no intentions of sending out announcements, why didn’t anyone tell me THEN (even if it was wrong of me to assume there would be announcements)? I doubt any of my other brothers have her address, as they were actually at the wedding, and I’m sure brought their gifts then. Niece’s name (as her husband’s) is very common, so looking up an address on the internet is risky. All I know is that she’s doing her residency on Long Island; I have no idea where she’s living.</p>

<p>Somewhere upthread, another poster suggested that she’s probably so busy that she hasn’t even noticed I had not sent a gift. Well, if she hadn’t, she does now, as my brother told me in this email that he asked her last week if she’d ever gotten a present from us. That’s how he knew.</p>

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<p>I read this thread when it was first started but haven’t kept up so I apologize if there’s repetition.</p>

<p>I also have a difficult relationship with an older sibling, a sister who is seven years older. She has presented me with many challenges over the years. I used to long for a close relationship, didn’t understand why she snubbed my family, etc. Bottom line: There was nothing I could do to change how she felt about me, no matter how irrational those feelings were.</p>

<p>You can justify your feelings all you want. But as Dr. Phil says, Do you want to be right, or do you want to change the situation?</p>

<p>Contact the niece, send her a nice present with a warm note and an apology for the delay. Do not expend any more mental energy on how your brother feels about the situation, how he may have poisoned his dd’s mind, how uncouth it is to not send an announcement, how he sent political e-mails, etc. Those things are not important. Do what you need to do to normalize your relationship with the niece and move on.</p>

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<p>This is an example of what I mean by self-justification. </p>

<p>The main thing here, imho, is to express congratulations and show a sharing of her joy in the traditional manner–not to demonstrate that someone was right or wrong.</p>

<p>I agree with Youdon’tsay #98. Imho, seek in your heart and find a way to get past being right about everything. Then</p>

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<p>as well as, imho, acknowledge and reflect your brother’s feelings without getting into who is right or wrong.</p>

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<p>The point about the brother having warm feelings recently is a very good one. </p>

<p>I’m still on the fence about contacting the niece, but only Teri would know how that would work. I can say with absolute certainty that I could never do that in my situation because my sister sees everyone as having to take sides and she would never, ever allow me to have a relationship with her kids.</p>