<p>Anyone care to offer some guidance? My rising junior has joined the brand new school water polo team this summer, having never played before, but being a strong swimmer and natural water bunny. He’s 6’4" and slim and strong, and volunteered to learn the goalie position, where he seems to be doing pretty well. But he came home from practice dejected and distant tonight, and the only thing he would tell me when I asked about what happened is that it was Coach, who only notices when people mess up and doesn’t notice when everyone is tired. “Coach doesn’t listen to me.” (He did insist he had a fun time today, though.)</p>
<p>I’ve listened and watched a couple practices when I arrived early: Coach seems very fair and knowledgeable, and very encouraging but also insistent on discipline and learning good technique early. He’s upbeat, but my S calls him “passive-aggressive” (and I don’t think he has any idea what that means, I think it just sounds cool to him, LOL). I heard Coach calling “great stop!” and “good screen!” to my S… and also “back 5 feet!” and “stop it ahead of you not behind you!” Then he gave my S four easy laps at the end of practice after talking with him briefly on his own. Seemed to me as if S kind of stopped giving his all in the last couple minutes of practice: he really did seem tired, and I’m guessing Coach could tell he was slacking off a little. (It also apparently stunned S, and everyone else, when Coach kicked one player out of the pool today for the first time, for chatting and laughing while he was teaching and demonstrating plays. I think it shocked them all.)</p>
<p>What do I say to my S at this point? Do I give him some pep-talk about doing his best? Working harder? Talking to Coach before practice? This is the first thing S has done in years that required him to push himself beyond his current abilities, and I imagine he’s projecting a little of that pain onto Coach. Do I just ignore days like these, when the burgeoning athlete comes home from practice with his tail between his legs and moping, assuming it’s character-building on its own? Or do I sit him down and try to pull some communication out of him? And what does this portend for the future, when they win zero games in their first season and as the goalie, he’s either the hero or the goat? (Shudder!) This sports thing is all new to me. Thanks for any insights (here or in a PM).</p>
<p>your son needs to push himself. i have met many a sport coaches who were tough. back in the day one ice hockey coach was nicknamed “GI Joe”…a former marine (he played the part too). but though he was tough and stressed disciplined he was fair and he rewarded hard work (with water breaks)</p>
<p>and the coach is there so that your son listens to him, not the other way around. </p>
<p>and seeing as how the team is new, they probably don’t have time to be messing around in the offseason unless they want to get their asses handed to em all season!</p>
<p>is your son tough? tell him to suck it up and give it all he’s got.</p>
<p>Coaches come in all shapes and sizes, and this one sounds pretty okay. On days like this, just say, yeah, that can be rough…do you want any suggestions? And son will probably say, Nah, its okay, I can deal. And it will be okay.</p>
<p>Being a goalie is tough. No matter what, they can feel a lot more pressure, but their teammates are very protective of them and never blame the goalie (or they shouldn’t)…sometimes goalies are given different workouts than other players, are pulled aside for discussions, because their job is different.</p>
<p>ANd he won’t be the goat…that ball has to get past a lot of other players before the goalies and if his team does blame him, they have some issues…never blaim the goalie unless they are asleep…</p>
<p>This feeling should pass in an hour or so…give him some food, and most likely he will move on.</p>
Good catch: handed him a quesadilla and chocolate milk and he perked up a bit. I’ll keep watching for signs that I ought to say more, but they aren’t very forthcoming just now. I suspect I’ll get used to it in time, as I learn to be a better supportive sports-parent.</p>
<p>Yeah, they’re working pretty hard to get ready for their first season… but they still figure on getting their butts handed to them a lot. ;)</p>
<p>PS_ Don’t watch the practices too much, it can annoy the kids!!! ANd make us moms nervous…And if coach says something to son, and son see you see that, they can get embarrassed. He will get used to the coach and his style. And he will see that other kids are getting the same treatment. And if you do watch some practice, just say, so what you want to eat? </p>
<p>I have seen some really awful coaches who never ever say anything positive, but tough and fair is something to be appreciated. </p>
<p>Just try and not say anything, son sounds like he will be fine…</p>
<p>My friend’s son plays football and baseball, and he came home mopey and cranky for the first few months, then he relaxed, did his best, and realized the coach was coaching, not nagging or judging…just coaching…</p>
<p>second the opinion that seems like a pretty decent coach --from your description.</p>
<p>i am a dad, not overly atheletic kids, i played some high school sports --its just part of the territory… try not to talk to the coach, let son deal… lots of good comments above… and give him his space…good he is putting himself out there</p>
<p>Thanks for the further comments, everyone. I think the trend here is that both S <em>and</em> parents are learning what it’s like to train in a team sport, for the first time. We all have adjustments to make.</p>
<p>(To clarify, I watched the start of the first practice this summer, then came slightly early once and saw the end of a practice, then today came about 20 min. early (at Coach’s suggestion – he took me aside at pickup last week and suggested I come early sometime and watch their drills to see how well S was doing) but sat behind a railing on some steps and no one saw I was there until after practice was over. That’s enough! I’ll wait for the games now.)</p>
<p>Please tell your son that coaches expect a high level of leadership, maturity, and mental toughness from goalkeepers. Goalies deal with more individual satisfaction … and deception than any other player. Since coaches depend on goalies, they tend to be tougher with them than with field players. In turn, goalies should not worry too much about receiving instructions, even they sound negatives. Being corrected on the field is a sign that coaches can see future development. The time to worry is when a coach stops challenging or instructing a player … it means he may have given up on the player. In the strange world of sports, being yelled at may mean someone really cares about you. </p>
<p>FWIW, I would also expect a new coach starting a new team to be doling extra doses of discipline and push players to see “who has what it takes”.</p>
<p>Good advice, xiggi,
My bet is that your son will come to respect, and even love this coach by the end of the season. As long as your son responds by trying harder, I wouldn’t worry.
My dad was a HS football/basketball coach, and what xig says about giving the kids he cares about a harder time is true. He was always hardest on the best/most talented players because he knew they had more to give.
Just keep telling him how proud you are of him that he’s trying something new and don’t dwell on the mistakes that he’ll surely make. Once they’ve played a couple of matches, the team will bond and all will be well.</p>
<p>Athletic coaches will not coddle the players. They are tough and demanding, though some may use more refined language and tone of voice than others. I guess being criticized or corrected on the field/pool sounds harsh to first time participants. Your son will get used to it and realize that it’s not personal. </p>
<p>Last year, a parent on my son’s track team had a talk with the coach, who was actually a pretty nice guy. Boy was that a mistake!!! At the next practice, the coach blasted the team for being ‘girls’, and for being babies. He told them that if they (players) could not speak to him directly, or handle the intensity, they could drop out anytime.</p>
<p>I myself tell my son that the training and discipline from the coaches will serve him well in life. No doubt there are some mean ones, or some coaches who will pick on a couple of kids constantly, but for the most part, by the end of the season there is amazing bonding and lasting friendships.</p>
<p>Having run the gamut of coaches with our kids and their sports, your coach sounds like a pretty decent one. It’s an eye-opener to new players - who usually figure it out pretty quickly that, as long as they get a few ‘atta-boys’ thrown their way, the quiet constructive criticisms and a couple of penatly laps aren’t such a bad thing…they learn and grow.</p>
<p>Our S once had a baseball coach whose own son was on the team…in his efforts to not come across as ogre-ish with the team, he’d punish his own son when other teammates goofed off or made lazy mistakes. The kids saw through it right away and the coach’s son had a terrible time that season. Luckily, that coach only lasted one year.</p>
<p>Your best bet is to be there at home as a sounding board when he wants to vent, but don’t interfere unless you witness (not hear second or third-hand from another - possibly disgruntled - parent) real abuse.</p>
<p>Agree with citygirlsmom - food is a great soother of hurt athletic feelings!</p>
<p>Coaches have different styles but from your description, this one sounds just fine. It may be hard for your son at first to realize that in sports, the only way teams improve is for the coach to give constructive criticism and work them hard. Of course, it helps to have “pats on the back” thrown in to encourage them when they are doing well. I would inform or remind your son that the coach told YOU to come visit and see how WELL he was doing. Apparently the coach is pleased with him but is working him hard as coaches do. Athletics involve lots of discipline and hard work. </p>
<p>As far as being goalie, I guess there is pressure on that position but truthfully, a team is NOT going to blame the goalie if they are scored upon because it takes an entire team to defend and to play the game and so it does not boil down to one person if the other team scores. My D played goalie for years, including varsity, in soccer and I know she was just another person on the team. She could not get bent out of shape when a goal went in…she had to move on…and really her team had to defend and help prevent those goals from going in, not JUST her. </p>
<p>I hope he comes to enjoy it. And I hope the team bonds.<br>
Susan</p>
<p>Joining the chorus that this sounds like a good coach. And that you should continue your minimal “intervention” approach. IE, the coach/team will have its own ethos, good days and bad (for individual players and team), ups and downs emotionally - and they will be there for each other. Better that you not try to fill that role, imo.</p>
<p>Being a goalie on a well-bonded team will, as others have said, get him plenty of support from teammates as the ball has to go through all of them before it gets to him.</p>
<p>Being a goalie’s mom, on the other hand… You need your support, too. Goalie mom is the toughest position off the field, imho. Sit near the right moms and dads in the gallery, and you won’t need too much tranquilization For the bad days? We’ll be there in Sinner’s Alley </p>
<p>Excellent advice and support from everyone, much appreciated. He’ll learn what it’s like to be part of a team, and we’ll learn how to be an understanding and appropriately hands-off family, I’m sure of it. I hadn’t thought about potential hurt feelings for the goalie’s mom when things don’t go perfectly (or when things like the ball go perfectly through his attempt to be the final stopper). I’ll choose my gallery-mates carefully and try to grow a thick skin and selective hearing. ;)</p>
<p>(This morning in the car, S said about practice yesterday, “At the end I told Coach I’d had a hard day and was getting tired, and that’s when he told me to go do 4 easy laps.” I like the coach. I did remind S that it was his job to listen to Coach, not the other way around: thanks, bubble!)</p>
<p>mootmom, I wanted say that the coach thing has been a big learning opp for my S. He’s been playing soccer since he was 7, played JV last year as a freshman, probably JV again this year. So solid player and loves it but not an athlete at the high levels. And luckily not a goalie…</p>
<p>Anyway, just learning to play on a team and listen to direction from someone who is not solicitious like his mother, not tuned to his every needs, has been good. He has learned over time to know when the coach is appropriate or not, how to take criticism without letting it disturb him too much, how to feel pride in his own achievements and still appreciate the achievements of others, how to deal with playing time etc., how to win and how to lose. As a non-athlete myself, I’ve been surprised how good the experience can be even for the more traditionally academic sorts of kids.</p>
<p>It sounds like you are taking the exactly right approach. Let us know how it goes.</p>
<p>As the Mom of what will probably the goalie of next year’s varsity soccer team (this year’s goalie graduated), I agree that goalie’s Mom is the hardest job off the field! It’s rough to see your kid give up goals. But I also agree that his teammates don’t blame him for giving up goals. It’s always because “the defense broke down”.</p>
<p>The other thing I found interesting, at least on my son’s team, is the bond between the goalies. S played JV last year. If the JV score was 64 - 1, he would beat himself up for letting in that goal. If the back-up goalie let in the goal, then it wasn’t the goalie’s fault. And if the varsity score was 1 - 64, well none of those 64 were the goalie’s fault. The defense broke down . . .</p>
<p>Excellent advice. I have three soccer players, (along with various secondary sports-cross country, track and wrestling) and have coached 2 of them. </p>
<p>HS rule never talk to the coach except at the end of the season to say thank you for coaching my child.</p>
<p>Any problems the athlete needs to take to the coach themselves but not during practice. If your son should have issues he wants to talk to the coach about he needs to find a time without other players around. Sometimes before or after practice works sometimes they have to find another time. It’s amazing how few issues the player feels are important enought to bring to this level of discussion.</p>
<p>One problem you won’t face if your son is the only goalie is playing time. It balances the stress of goalie parenting.</p>
For the bad days? We’ll be there in Sinner’s Alley 
</p>
I like the coach. I did remind S that it was his job to listen to Coach, not the other way around: thanks, bubble!)</p>