New day. New essay. New opinions?

<p>I posted an essay yesterday that did not receive a very good response. So, today I decided to write a new essay that I had partially begun earlier. This essay is on a different topic and is far different than the one from yesterday. What do you think? Is it better, is it worse, or do I really need to find someone to give me an emergency class on essay writing? Please point out any grammar errors and any suggestions. I really appreciate it. (This is for stanford and a picture of my senior class float will accompany it).</p>

<pre><code>The process of building a class float is an art. The skills involved cannot be learned through reading a book or doing research online; they must be developed through experience and practice. I have been a class officer for four years. Each year, our class has endeavored endlessly to win the homecoming float competition. Each year, we have been outshined by another class—each year but this year. This year we have finally gotten it right. This year all of our hard work has finally paid off. This year we have earned our right to achieve victory.
I remember the day that freshman elections were announced. I didn’t know much about what class officers did, but I was interested from the very beginning. When I came to learn that the officers were in charge of building the class float, I filled up with excitement and enthusiasm. My heart raced with anxiety on election day. I wanted to be elected more than I had wanted anything else in my life. When my name was announced as treasurer, it was all I could do to not leap into the air for joy.

A couple weeks later, my career in float building began. I learned very soon that building a float required much time, energy, and effort. Once a week I met with those in our class who wanted to help with our float. The theme was “cartoons” and my class chose Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Many people participated. When we finished, I couldn’t have been more proud. Our float looked excellent! At the judging, however, I had a reality check as surprising as a cup of icy water being thrown into my face: Our float was the worst of all the classes. An achievement that I had been so proud of just a few hours earlier became an embarrassment to me. All I could do to bring my spirits up was to think, “It’s okay. There’s always next year.”
When the next year came, I decided to retackle the challenge of building the float, this time as class secretary. So we had screwed up the first time; this time would be different. What I didn’t count on was that it would be different in a negative way. My sophomore year brought arguments, miscommunications, and drama. Because of this, our class didn’t start working on the float until a week before homecoming. Looking back, it is still astonishing to me that we were able to present a float at all. During the parade, the goal post we had erected on the float fell down. I felt as if all of my hopes had fallen down with it. Needless to say, our float again received last place.
Junior year. This year brought a new president into the mix, and I was now the vice president. Together, we were able to pull ourselves out of the chaos that was sophomore year. We went into the competition with a new attitude: we were not there to win, we were there to have fun. What a difference this attitude made on the year! Building the float was one of the major highlights of the year. The theme was “television shows” and our float was on Gilligan’s Island. Although we did not win first place, that was the first year I left the float judging with a true pride in my class.
When senior year came, I knew it was my final chance. It was my final chance to attain the goal I had set so long ago—to win! This time, there would be no mistakes. We decided that we would start building the float right away and that we wouldn’t stop until it was perfect. All of the knowledge in float building, teamwork, and organization I had acquired throughout my high school career was put into this float. The theme was “superheroes” and our float was on Spiderman. For the first time in all four years, everyone who worked on the float was united. We knew that we were going to do the best we could do, and that no matter the outcome it would be a win for us. I can’t even begin to describe the joy felt when we learned we had won. I felt a since of fulfillment that I had never before felt in my life. I had overcome the challenges before me. I had learned from my mistakes. I had accomplished the goal I had my heart set on for years, and I will never forget the elation that was felt for such a simple achievement.
</code></pre>

<p>I like it. I looked back at your other essay, because I hadn't read it. I didn't dislike it, in terms of responding to the prompt, but it didn't tell me a lot about you. This one tells me more.</p>

<p>A couple suggestions: You tell me every office your held till senior year. Be consistent. I like the way you slip this in. If I were writing it, I would save the "win" as a final punch line. Emphasize prior that you felt you had already won, and get your elation from that. The real win could be icing on the cake. We're rooting for you already, give it to us in overtime. </p>

<p>I would start the essay on your fourth sentence, "Each year...." The first three are "shown" later, and don't need to be told here. In the second paragraph, I'd like to know what attracted you to the elections in the first place. You kinda leave me hanging there, and it's an opportunity to say something about yourself. You like politics? You want to be popular? You've done it before and liked it? You are a "take charge" or "make things happen" kind of person? The real meat of your essay doesn't start till the 3rd paragraph, so I would keep the first two as concise as possible without being clinical. I would probably get rid of the "I felt" statements and let my reactions show how I felt.</p>

<p>"I had a reality check as surprising as a cup of icy water" -- The results hit me like a cup of icy water....</p>

<p>Hope I'm not putting too much of my own style on you. The nice thing about anonymous editing is that you are free to ignore any or all of it!</p>

<p>Thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate it. Anybody else have any suggestions?</p>

<p>I haven't read the other essay, but i DO like this one. It's a different kind of topic, something fresh, but perhaps you could alter the opening a bit, i don't know, it seems to not match up with the rest of the essay's tone, I don't know i can't explain it...i'm not very good at explaining stuff lol, But overall , great job</p>

<p>Thanks a bunch. I really, really appreciate everyone's feedback</p>

<p>Anybody else have any suggestions? I'm pretty sure this is the essay I'm going to use, but I might use the other one for a different essay somewhere else. I appreciate all suggestions.</p>

<p>I think you should eliminate the first two sentences and start with "I.." or perhaps the sentance after that is even better. The begining you have here, like so many essays on cc starts lecturing in a droning pedantic tone to the reader. Just jump right in. I'm sorry I didn't read the rest. The text size is small on the new cc format and with your giving no spaces, it is just too hard to read. But at a glance it seems to long. Check all your sentences for redundency. Make every sentence count. Don't be too boring with the blow by blow account. Take out waste words like "needless to say". Tighten it up.</p>

<p>I kind of didn't like how you made it seem junior year was the best because you all worked together and it didn't matter if you won or not, and then you talk about senior year and how winning was the key</p>

<p>I get what you are saying celebrian. I've been looking at that a bit and I'm considering changing it so that it focuses more on the change in attitude beginning the road toward success instead of it saying that I felt I had already won during my junior year.</p>

<p>yep that's the gist of what i was saying</p>

<p>Okay, I've taken some advice from several of you and made some revisions to my essay. They aren't major, but do they sound okay? Did I change anything I shouldn't have, and are there still mistakes I should change? I really appreciate everyone's help. </p>

<pre><code> I have been a class officer for four years. Each year, our class has endeavored endlessly to win the homecoming float competition. Each year, we have been outshined by another class—each year but this year. This year we have finally gotten it right. This year all of our hard work has finally paid off. This year we have earned our right to achieve victory.
I remember the day that freshman elections were announced. I didn’t know much about what class officers did, but I was interested from the very beginning; being a class officer would give me a chance to really have a say in what occurred in our school. When I came to learn that the officers were in charge of building the class float, I filled up with excitement and enthusiasm. My heart raced with anxiety on election day. I wanted to be elected more than I had wanted anything else in my life. When my name was announced as treasurer, it was all I could do to not leap into the air for joy.

A couple weeks later, my career in float building began. I learned very soon that building a float required much time, energy, and effort. Once a week I met with those in our class who wanted to help with our float. The theme was “cartoons” and my class chose Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When we finished, I couldn’t have been more proud. Our float looked excellent! At the judging, however, the results hit me like a cup of icy water being thrown into my face: Our float was the worst of all the classes. An achievement that I had been so proud of just a few hours earlier became an embarrassment to me. All I could do to bring my spirits up was to think, “It’s okay. There’s always next year.”
When the next year came, I decided to retackle the challenge of building the float, this time as class secretary. So we had screwed up the first time; this time would be different. What I didn’t count on was that it would be different in a negative way. My sophomore year brought arguments, miscommunications, and drama. Because of this, our class didn’t start working on the float until a week before homecoming. It is still astonishing to me that we were able to present a float at all. During the parade, the goal post we had erected on the float came crashing down. I felt as if all of my hopes had fallen down with it. Our float again received last place.
Junior year. This year brought a new president into the mix, and I was now the vice president. Together, we were able to pull ourselves out of the chaos that was sophomore year. We went into the competition with a new attitude: We were there to have fun. What a difference this attitude made on the year! Building the float was one of the major highlights of the year. The theme was “television shows” and our float was on Gilligan’s Island. We still had not won first place, but that was the first year I left the float judging with a true pride in my class. We would keep that same attitude for the next year.

When senior year came, I knew it was my final chance. It was my final chance to attain the goal I had set so long ago—to win! This time, there would be no mistakes. I was again vice president alongside the same president as the year before; we had experience on our side. We decided that we would start building the float right away and that we wouldn’t stop until it was perfect. All of the knowledge in float building, teamwork, and organization I had acquired throughout my high school career was put into this float. The theme was “superheroes” and our float was on Spiderman. For the first time in all four years, everyone who worked on the float was united. We knew that we were going to do the best we could do, and that no matter the outcome it would be a win for us. Presenting that float gave me a sense of fulfillment that I had never before felt in my life. I had overcome the challenges before me. I had learned from my mistakes. I had accomplished the goal I had my heart set on for years, and I will never forget the elation that was felt for such a simple achievement. Finally, after so many hours of hard work, I had won!
</code></pre>

<p>"When my name was announced as treasurer, it was all I could do to not leap into the air for joy." -- what exactly did you mean to say in this sentence?</p>

<p>"Finally, after so many hours of hard work, I had won!" -- you present the process as a team effort. Claming the victory for yourself is counterproductive.</p>

<p>Overall though, this is much better then your previous essay.</p>

<p>nngmm's 1st point also has a cliche, reword the sentence</p>

<p>also way too much emphasis on yourself when you say it's a team victory</p>

<p>-"I knew it was MY final chance"
it's just a mix of I and Me when you're saying it's not about you, but your word usage is showing it's all about you</p>

<p>Thanks! I've changed the I's to we's and the my's to our. You're right, it sounds better that way. I'm still working on the other sentence though.</p>

<p>It really is a good essay, but greatness takes work</p>

<p>bump, thanks</p>

<p>For Stanford there are two short answers as well. I was considering for one, which asks to tell about an intellectual project or idea that is exciting to me, to write about an astrophysics report I read on their site. It talked about how all of the stuff in the universe we know about makes up only 5% of the universe. When I read this I was really, really interested. I think writing about this would show my interest in science, and since I'm planning on majoring in Physics I think it would be appropriate. Do you agree or is it a dumb topic?</p>

<p>bump......</p>

<p>Erm... I truly hope that this is you ROUGH rough draft. First of all, NEVER use the word "screwed," and I hope that was obvious. However, I really enjoyed your colloquialism. I think that it fits the essay well.</p>

<p>Umm, I'm a bit confused, where did I put the word "screwed"? Thanks for the reply though.</p>