<p>Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts.</p>
<p>Collegealum214, I don’t think it’s a generational thing at all. I think what you’re thinking of is a group like my son has, where they all go out to dinner for each other’s birthday, and everyone pays his/her own dinner and split the birthday person’s meal, just as parentofpeople describes.</p>
<p>That’s totally different: there’s an expectation that as you all celebrate each other’s birthday, it will all even ut in the end since everyone gets a celebration, and everyone goes to each other’s parties. </p>
<p>In the OP’s case, he/she has been invited to a future family connection. There’s no expectation of things evening out over time, and the invitees are all unequal in family circumstance and relationship. Not the same thing at all.</p>
<p>I am embarrassed for this girl, who either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that the manner in which she is handling this is rude.</p>
<p>I did learn today that among certain circles of young people in Manhattan, it is common to host a large party for one’s birthday and each guest pays their own way. I have never heard of this before. The host provides the organization, the invitation, and the experience which consists of their personal guest list and the venue they’ve chosen, for instance, a new restaurant that people want to try. The guests arrive dressed up with $ in hand, ready to mingle with friends and meet new people and have fun. Presumably, both parties understand that it would be prohibitively costly to host a large event and both parties are comfortable enough with this set-up that such events comprise a portion of their social life. This is a whole new concept to me. </p>
<p>I feel very old and judgemental as I try to get a handle on this. It could be the redefinition of hospitality as understood and upheld by the older generations.</p>
<p>I am familiar with one person rounding up a group of friends to celebrate someone’s birthday, and everyone chips in to treat the birthday person. I am not familiar with the birthday celebrant rounding everyone up and making it clear that the group will split the tab.</p>
<p>I feel sad that my first invitation from this young couple feels so inappropriate and botched. I believe that the young lady was trying to reach out and include family members as long as a big party was being planned.</p>
<p>I just cannot imagine the amount of confusion that a party of that nature would cause. So is it a set menu? Otherwise you are going to have “those people” who argue over who had one extra glass of wine or a dinner salad instead of a full price appetizer. Then who does all the tabulation for a dinner with a party of that size to ensure the wait staff are taken care of appropriately? Each table has a designee to figure it out? Unless you have the whole restaurant for the evening, this could be uncomfortable. Might work if the menu was prix fixe. We always do the birthday party thing with my circle of girlfriends at a restaurant, but we are never more than 10 or 12 at most.</p>
<p>I have family and friends living in Manhattan, I have not heard of this trend.</p>
<p>HarvestMoon1, I don’t know how it gets worked out. I haven’t clicked through the evite yet but (horrors) what if it has a field for my credit card?!? The invitation says $xx for all you can eat dinner and drinks. I think it will be 50-100 people and handled in a cocktail party format, so maybe they are taking over the restaurant or getting a big party room. It is a mystery!!</p>
<p>Is it by chance on New Year’s Eve? If so, it might be an ok thing to do.</p>
<p>It is not on New Year’s Eve.</p>
<p>My oldest kid got married a few years ago and if I remember correctly, I believe that the etiquette for an engagement party is that the bride’s parents host the party. However, more young couples are hosting their own parties. We hosted my D’s engagement party at our house. We paid for the liquor and a bartender. D and son-in-law paid for the food. It was a catered buffet for 30 people–mostly friends of the engaged couple, many of whom would be in the wedding party. </p>
<p>I get a group of friends getting together to go and celebrate one friend’s birthday and each person pays for his/her own meal/drinks and splits the birthday person’s bill. An engagement party, however, is something different. Also, the general rule is that you should only invite someone to the engagement party who is also going to be invited to the wedding. This rule sometimes gets pushed aside when couples end up having a destination wedding and have a limited guest list or just have a limited guest list even if they’re staying local. </p>
<p>In any case, whoever hosts the engagement party is the person who covers the costs. I guess in this case it might have been better if the hostess just invited folks to a birthday celebration and announced her engagement at the party. Basically, an engagement party is part of the wedding festivities and guests shouldn’t have to pay for their food/drink. I understand that it might be cost prohibitive and in that case it might be the best thing to skip the engagement party and save up money for the wedding.</p>
<p>Miss Manners says to have the party that you can afford, rather than to charge your guests for a different one. If that means tea and sheet cake at your house, then host that party. </p>
<p>I don’t know what happened in decades prior, but these days, the wedding thing is out of control. Engagement parties, destination wedding showers, destination bachelorette parties, weddings that cost as much as a down payment on a house… If the bride and groom want to spend all that, fine, but they often hit their guests up for several presents and their bridal party for very expensive outings and vacations.</p>
<p>D1 organizes a birthday party for herself every year. All of her friends look forward to coming into NYC for it. She picks a restaurant which is affordable for her friends and they all pay for their own dinner. She’ll have a pre-dinner drink (or pre-game when she was younger) at her apartment. Her friends would remind her about her annual birthday party if she didn’t send the invite early enough, so obviously they look forward t it. Her other friends also do the same. She has traveled to Boston, DC and San Fran for her friend’s birthdays. They don’t give each other presents. I am not sure if they pay for the birthday person’s dinner. I doubt it.</p>
<p>I used to pay for those birthday parties for our kids up until high school. Their friends would then feel obligated in giving them some silly presents. I think this way is easier and it seem to make sense for the younger crowd.</p>
<p>The difference, I think, between what oldfort describes and the situation in the OP is that Oldfort’s D’s parties are for her close friends where this is the norm. I think I could probably arrange a birthday “party” for myself at a restaurant with my close friends and have everyone pay for themselves, and that would probably go over pretty okay, too-- my cousin just put out on facebook that she is going to a bar Saturday night to celebrate her graduation and she hopes her friends will join her, something along those lines. If I texted all my friends and said, “hey, let’s all meet up at <em>restaurant</em> next weekend for my birthday,” I think it would be assumed and expected that everyone would pay their own way-- I wouldn’t actually call it a birthday party personally since to me that does imply a host, but I think we are more or less talking about the same thing. OP’s relation is inviting fiance’s extended relatives-- THAT is weird. That, and combining it with an engagement party.</p>
<p>I broke all the rules and threw my own engagement party, but I specified no gifts on the invitation and it was just a backyard barbecue at our house for close relatives… most of the wedding party wasnt even there. It was a combined engagement/come-see-our-new-house kind of thing. I hosted and paid for the entire thing myself. I don’t think I did anything wrong. The OP’s new relation seems to be expecting a completely different dynamic from this party which I don’t think is appropriate beyond perhaps her close personal friends who are accustomed to this sort of party.</p>
<p>Ema,
You nailed it. There are lots of things that go on between close friends and nobody will blink an eye. Oldfort’s D is an example of that. It sounds like they all reciprocate by traveling to different cities for each other. These are very different situations from the one the OP is describing. I’m assuming that some of the people that this girl is inviting are meeting her fir the first time.</p>
<p>This is in extremely poor taste. I really don’t see any gray area.</p>
<p>It’s been several days and this is still bugging me! Thanks for the comments, everyone. </p>
<p>I am concluding that the host simply considers this a practical way to get people together, and does not feel encumbered (or informed) by traditional etiquette. It is not possible to discuss this with other family members without offending the groom’s parents, feeling small, or perhaps made to feel that I begrudge the engaged couple their celebration. Plus, there is a tone-deaf aspect to this that I doubt I’ll be able to negotiate. I’m the age of the host’s parents and would not expect to be treated to dinner in a city restaurant by someone that much younger than me unless there was a special reason for it or they were young masters of the universe. It’s not just our age difference but also that our financial circumstances are different. </p>
<p>If I attend, in the spirit of family to demonstrate support for the engagement and meet the future in-laws, am I supporting this buy-your-own-dinner concept and encouraging the trend to grow? Or am I just trying to be a good citizen of the family?</p>
<p>I’d be so much more comfortable stopping by their apartment for an open house event.</p>
<p>It would not surprise me if this young couple chooses to follow this format for their wedding invitations. They may look at it as a wise financial decision. I would not be willing to skip the wedding, but sheesh. </p>
<p>“If you want to roll with us, pony up.”</p>
<p>
Whether you go or not will have no impact on how this couple will conduct themselves in the future. You are not their parents, just an extended family member. If you don’t feel comfortable in going then skip it and them an engagement gift. If you were to go, I am not sure if you should feel compelled to buy a gift.</p>
<p>I am more offended if I am not told beforehand that I am expected to pay. At least if I was told beforehand I could make an informed decision.</p>
<p>I am most offended that she included her b/d; that is asking for a personal gift. Much nicer if she found an inexpensive restaurant, ordered family style, and had wine for tables. Maggiani’s does a nice job, as an example. </p>
<p>All I can say is, “oh dear”</p>