<p>"I’m not surprised that the teachers don’t address this. While I agree that it would be a better situation if the students were open to connecting with others, at the same time, there are all sorts of cliques in schools in which students reject others because others are different (however “different” is perceived).</p>
<p>NSM, This is true, but the problem was specifically brought to the attention of adminstrators, but I have been told that it was dismissed as “bullying”. The school officials told one mother that this is why they have a bullying program in place. The other mother, and I, do not believe this is a bullying issue.</p>
<p>I love your mix it up day idea!!</p>
<p>“I also think that it would be important to have some compassion for the Asian students who may feel that they need the time to be together over lunch since English isn’t their first language”</p>
<p>I can understand that if the students have just moved to America, however, the vast majority have been in American schools since elementary school, and many since kindergarten. In fact, some of these students were friends with my son during the younger elementary school years. It is really during hs that the segregation began in earnest, and this is what added to my son’s hurt feelings.</p>
<p>Northeastmom, I am sorry that your son had made a conscious effort to join his Asian friends at the lunch table in his school and that he felt unwelcome. I am also very glad to hear that you don’t think all Asians are that way.<br>
I personally know that there are major differences between Asian-Americans born in this country and first generation Asian-Americans who were born overseas despite the fact that they had come here at a young age.
American born Asians have parents who have mostly come here for higher education. They have on the whole assimilated well into American society at large, having interacted with the (white ) majority at the collegiate as well as professional levels. Most of them have Asian and non-Asian friends. Their kids will be raised in a more mainstream way, with less self-segregation.</p>
<p>However, first generation Asian kids don’t have the advantage of having their parents well assimilated into society at large before they were born. Their parents have more difficulty mixing with non-Asians because of language and cultural issues. I would venture to say most white Americans (how many of you) would not go out of their way to befriend them. They themselves feel isolated and turn to others in similar situations,their countrymen. Their children in turn made this observation and self-congregation occurs because they fear rejection from others. They would even isolate themselves from other Asians not from the same country of origin.</p>
<p>I think it is a good idea to bring it up to school authorities, for them to encourage all races to sit together at lunch tables on a regular basis. This will also be benficial to those self-congregated kids , to show them that they are accepted, not to fear rejection, and hopefully in turn they will open up their circle.</p>
<p>cbreeze,
“I would venture to say most white Americans (how many of you) would not go out of their way to befriend them. They themselves feel isolated and turn to others in similar situations,their countrymen. Their children in turn made this observation and self-congregation occurs because they fear rejection from others. They would even isolate themselves from other Asians not from the same country of origin.”</p>
<p>I have definitely observed this to be the case, so I agree with this. My son, however, truly does not segregate himself, and he did have Asian friends going into hs, but leaves hs with only one Asian friend. He reached out, and got snubbed several times, and I am sure that he would not reach out to a group of Asian students again. He won’t judge everyone who is Asian based on these experiences, but would prefer to avoid his hs experiences regarding this, because it was not pleasant for him.</p>
<p>I think it’s important to realize that the Asian kids in some schools may be under heavy pressure from their families not to make friends with kids from other ethnic groups. I have gotten the impression over the years that this is at least partly due to the parents’ concern that the non-Asian kid may be a “bad influence” because he may not share values that Asians consider to be high priorities.</p>
<p>Given that we have established in previous posts that 1) most Asian kids are seriously academic, while the same can be said for only smaller numbers of kids of other ethnicities, and 2) Asian kids are less likely than kids of other ethnicities to use alcohol and drugs, maybe these parents have a point.</p>
<p>My son has a lot of Asian friends, because he knows them from so many different musical groups. Some of them are academically very, very serious, with very serious parents (one kid grounded for a single B on a math test), but he describes some of them as “hilarious”…clever, funny, witty, and all around great musicians.</p>
<p>Marian, According to my S you have hit the nail on the head. He says the pressure to segregate does come from some homes. He has told me that there are also concerns about interracial dating, and dating in general. He has told me that many of the Asian students were not permitted to go on some class trips that involved an overnight hotel stay.</p>
<p>From my experience, it’s very true that parents of all races can pressure kids into avoiding interracial dating (and, sometimes, even friendship). My Korean roommate’s parents were a little surprised (although not openly negative) when she started dating a Jewish boy, and another Korean friend’s parents openly forbid her from dating non-Koreans, and practically disowned her when she disobeyed. As someone in a very inter-ethnic relationship (Jewish/Arab), I find it quite upsetting and disturbing that parents would try to prevent their children from meeting all kinds of different people and learning about all different cultures. As my parents say, “as long as he treats you well…”</p>
<p>I think inter-anything dating is a special issue. </p>
<p>When I was in college, I knew a very religious Christian girl who refused to date anyone who was of a different religion or even Christians who were casual about religion. I thought this was kind of bigoted, until she explained that because religion was so central to her life, she would not be willing to marry and raise children with anyone who didn’t share her beliefs. As she put it, “If you don’t date someone, you’re not going to fall in love with them. And if you don’t fall in love with them, you’re not going to have to make difficult decisions about whether to marry them.” This actually makes sense to me, and not just in terms of religion. If a person’s ethnic or cultural identity is so central to his or her life that marrying a person from a different background is inconceivable, then maybe never dating people from different backgrounds is actually a prudent idea.</p>
<p>Friendship is an entirely different matter.</p>
<p>I wasn’t talking about interfaith dating – that’s an entirely different issue. Certainly, it is important to seek out partners who share similar values, and if faith is an important part of your values system, then it’s reasonable to only want to date people of a similar faith.</p>
<p>However, interracial dating is another thing altogether. The simple “fact” of being Asian or black or whatever does not say anything about your values or personality. While Asian Americans, on average, may have different values from African Americans, on average, this does not mean that an Asian American should limit him- or herself from dating ALL African Americans, as a rule.</p>
<p>Well, my S says that it is the very fear of interracial dating, and dating in hs in general, that leads some parents to encourage the segregating of students at school.</p>
<p>I think your son knows what he’s talking about, northeastmom. Probably, there are a lot of parents who want to prevent interracial dating but who are afraid that their kids may not share their views. That’s different from a situation in which the kid has made the choice.</p>
<p>ILoveBrown, I think the “if you don’t date them, you won’t end up marrying them” logic can apply to interracial situations as well. A person who knows that he wouldn’t want to spend his life with a spouse and children who would not be fully accepted by his own ethnic community might be making a good choice by not dating out of that community, in my opinion. This applies to many Asians, I think, especially those who maintain strong ties to their countries of origin and may plan to spend part of their lives there. A half-Chinese half-something else child would be regarded as a foreigner in China, for example.</p>
<p>Does not seem to be a problem in mixed marriage’schildren, of any racial/ethnic combination. The children, from what I’ve seen at the mall, are very handsome. and more so than their parents. IMHO.</p>
<p>With inexpensive air travel and communication along with the procreativity of humans, The world will be brownish in a few centuries and </p>
<p>Northeastmom, as a parent, I know you are hurt because your son was hurt, probably more so. But I would suggest that you slowly encourage your son to reach out again in college so he won’t have this bias color his future relationships with Asians. </p>
<p>If I let my bad experience with rejection and exclusion control my relationships, I would not have any friends. Seriously, I’ve been there.</p>
<p>cbreeze, That is some good advice that I will gladly accept. My S will be going to a school that has a low Asian population, so I don’t know how many friends that he might make that happen to be Asian.</p>
<p>Mix it Up Day is one of those things that sounds great on paper, but I heard nothing but complaints about how stupid it was from my kids. I think I’d rather let kids be in the lunch room and foster working together in the classroom instead.</p>
<p>I believe most of this is due to a lack of courage–Not hate, not bigotry. </p>
<p>These things require more than good intentions; they require moral effort and psychic discomfort. Few have the constitution for it; neither students, nor adults.</p>
<p>Most are, to varying degrees, a simple mix of scared and lazy. </p>
<p>Comment to me from the mother of an Indian child whose child was being asked to leave a private school due to profound learning needs the management of which by the teacher was ultimately disruptive to the class- when I commented that the school had to consider the needs of all children, and as a private school had the luxury of not keeping children who impacted the education of others:</p>
<p>“But, you see, I am an Indian mother, I really don’t care about anyone else’s children.”</p>
<p>I was taken aback by this comment. It made me realize how little we understand and how much we assume, about what makes us all the ‘same’ and what makes us ‘different.’ </p>
<p>What people are reacting to now, what they have always reacted to, is the fear of what is different. There are a lot more Asians than there are Jews and ultimately that is what will be most significant about this wave of change, and not just in the make up of the student body at Harvard or UC IRvine or a high school in Cupertino. So, I guess we all have got to learn to really understand- and I don;t mean the accents!</p>