<p>Hi Cardinal Fang,</p>
<p>Yes, over recent months I have been sneeking peeks into the Parents Helping Parents thread and thought I was posting there. I must have been too preoccupied to do it right. But I will take my updates to that appropriate site. Thank you all for the kind contributions and I know there is more to learn. Today was rather a successful day regarding this issue. BTW, why is my post titled aN-aN-Nan at Nan:aN am?? Till tomorow…or soon!</p>
<p>Sounds to me like palliative care could work well for her, YDS, if she has a combo of issues and keeps having problems, the ability to have a palliative care team might catch things before they are so serious.</p>
<p>I don’t know where you are located, but 2 resources you can touch base with are Ombudsman.org and your Area Agency on Aging (AAA). Ombudsman is an organization that advocates for patient rights- they also offer pre-placement counseling and can be a huge help in talking your way through the situation and deciding what would work best. Our local group is wonderful but it may vary by location. AAA may also have resources as well as possibly some grants to help with care. I work for a not-for-profit Caregiver Center that specializes in counseling and training unpaid caregivers such as yourself. We receive significant grants from AAA to help unpaid caregivers with respite care and home modifications such as grab bars, etc. Many areas have similar services although we are definitely a model that many other communities are using to start-up such services. This is a very daunting process and these people are trained to walk you through it. Hopefully one of these groups can steer you towards local resources.</p>
<p>As far as the taxes, we were advised by my accountant that we could be held liable for any taxes our caregivers owe. For a very minimal amount, we have an accountant do payroll for the caregivers that we use for my Mom. They are not employed through an agency, and I am definitely more comfortable knowing that taxes and workers comp are being taken care of. It is well worth the cost.</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, I didn’t mean to criticize at all. I just wanted to suggest that over at the Parents Helping Parents thread there are a lot of people who are going through the same thing, and who might not think to check a different thread. </p>
<p>Dharmawheel, I was just going to suggest the Parents Helping Parents thread, but I see you’ve already found it. You may want to re-ask your question over there, because many of the “regulars” on that thread might not even see this one. And they’re going to be your best source on this forum. </p>
<p>Just my opinion, but I think I’d want my parent in a facility of some kind, rather than at home, if were at all doable financially. You don’t have to worry about employer/agency/insurance issues; you don’t have to worry about outfitting a private home with special equipment; and at a SNF, there are medical people on site (usually RNs, sometimes MDs). Plus those places often have rehab staff, as well as activities for the residents. And, I don’t know, I just am not comfortable with the idea of one minimum-wage person home alone with my parent all day. </p>
<p>YDS, palliative care, as I understand it, is the branch of medicine which deals with comfort care and pain relief, without trying to cure the disease itself. </p>
<p>Oh dear Cardinal Fang, I didn’t take your comment in any way other than to be kind and helpful! It was just oops, I realized I didn’t post in the most useful forum. After about six weeks of intense involvement, ERs, hospitals, nursing homes, driving, visits, phonecalls to agencies (days and hours) and such through an agency I liked best we interviewed two angel caregivers on Thursday (at the nursing home) whom we will hire. They are both from Eastern Europe (one from Poland, one from Hungary) with years of experience with people in much sadder shape than my mother. Each had five very “real” high recommendations from past employers (adult children of parents who had died after much care from the women ) and the letters were certainly not counterfeit and the man who runs the agency whom I have spoken to at least twenty times has been helpful in every respect. My heart was so sore for these women who were professionals in their home country but who left for job loss and can get nothing better because of language barriers. My own three daughters,who are ideal young people, if only they knew how lucky some of us are in the USA. Given their past situations,this job between the two women will actually be a very nice job because although she needs hands on care,my mother is very loquacious, smart, and has a lovely home at the corner or a park with a lake. </p>
<p>LasMa,thank you for your useful and very well thought out remarks, but my mother is not incapacitated enough for a nursing home, and she is extremely sharp, highly educated, and from my visits to her in nursing homes and my years of visits to my MIL at nursing homes, my mother would never,never agree to go. The people in nursing homes, when I visit, are much more incapacitated than my mother. When I “shift over” to the proper forum (Parents helping Parents) I will have to pose a lot of legal questions, money questions, really educate myself about doing this right. But on the plus side, both women file taxes annually (several reference letters referred to this), both contribute to SS , one is an American citizen (divorced) and the other has a green card. One to my relief has health care and the other is going to pursue Obamacare and/or sign a waiver releasing us from responsibility god forbid she has an accident or injury (I have to check out the fool-proof legality of this). The women are both professional, independent, and pulled up a chair close to my mother and held hands and held her gaze intently. To the Polish woman, my mother started struggling to communicate in her childhood Polish, and I said, Mom, speak English!, and the caregiver quickly gave me a glance/clue, Oh, its fine, let her! To my amusement, reference letters said that both women were extremely good cooks and though through some paradox my mother continues to lose weight, she sits all day at the table eating (she can’t shuffle back and forth to the stove and table and cook now in her recent six/eight wks of decline) and her favorite thing is to eat and she is maddeningly picky to me about exactly what brands of bread and canned fruit I buy her. Now, one of the women has a car (the four day woman) and can take over for me the MD appts and shopping!</p>
<p>The NH is keeping her for I don’t know how long–the longer the better for me–because she is on oxygen and they want to get her until her oxygen gets higher. Probably due to my intense involvement, i am extremely exhausted and slept almost all day Fri and am still dragging. My poor three daughters now have an “invalid” mother! The agency and the women know we just have to wait for the MD to give my mother the “go ahead” to go home and so far there is no clear idea. But all the stuff about money, accountants if that comes to pass, lawyers if that comes to pass, all other relevant considerations, and the very unfortunate spending down of her savings and inevitable refinancing of her house, that is all ahead of me…</p>
<p>Dharma,
How’s your mom and the house sale? Any update?</p>
<p>@dharmawheel, lots of people wondering on the other thread. Do you want to let us know about the house and your mom’s reactions? Hope all’s well.</p>
<p>I hope all’s well too, Dharma, and I’m curious how it all came out.</p>
<p>Good morning and thank you, those of you who posted, for your kind concern. </p>
<p>On September 4 I received a PM from The Moderator Maine Long Horn, stating, in effect, that the “moderating committee” had decided that my posts were too long, too complicated, and were inhibiting others–especially newcomers–from posting. So I was asked to leave the thread.</p>
<p>I am a lurker on the other thread, and am very disappointed that we won’t get to read how you are doing with your mom, the house sale, her move to AL, etc. I found your posts very interesting with lots of good information. </p>
<p>Dharma, I am sorry that happened to you. I had been following your story closely as I have a similar situation in my family. I always felt that the other thread was full of support for all folks. Maybe you can continue to update us on this thread so we can support you over here. Your posts may have been long and complicated but isn’t that how life really is. Best of luck. Thinking of you.</p>
<p>Me too. Did ML say you can’t post on this thread? If not, i hope you will. Specifically, has your mom accepted that she’s moving? </p>
<p>We received more than one request for Dharmawheel to continue her posts in a separate thread, because they noticed that other people, especially newbies, had disappeared. We did not ask her to STOP posting, but merely to continue in her previous thread or start another one. It would have been easy for other users to follow her, but others could keep posting in the parents’ thread.</p>
<p>Moderating is not easy. We have to balance the concerns of individuals versus the needs of the community. The parents’ thread is supposed to be a place where MANY people can post and get advice/support. If you look back at the thread during the time in question, the thread was mainly a place for Dharma. In that case, it makes sense to have a thread dedicated to her situation.</p>
<p>For future reference, please keep in mind that it is a violation of the Terms of Service to discuss moderating actions or forum policies on public boards. Dharma never contacted moderators privately to complain.</p>
<p>Well, Dharma’s posts were long and complicated…but I think that reflects on the fact in part that her situation is complicated and she’s been torn about what to do. </p>
<p>Best.</p>
<p>Thanks, ML, that’s a very helpful explanation.</p>
<p>I was mostly a lurker, occasional poster, on the Parents Caring for Parents thread, and I had closely followed Dharmawheel’s journey. Others, who are more wise than me, shared some excellent advice and support and hugs. Dharma, many of us would really like to know how your journey is continuing - house sale, sister visit, moving mom - so please consider returning to this thread (your thread) and sharing updates, missives, etc.</p>
<p>Hugs.</p>
<p>Dharma, I’m a long time poster here, and it’s not really that unusual for a mod to pull a subject out of a thread to help keep the original thread uncluttered. It’s also a great way for those of us that may be popping on to hear how you are doing. I don’t post much on the caring for parents support thread but I have learned so much from reading it. I love how you really listened to posters and applied what you learned. You are an extremely articulate writer and I like listening to you too. C’mon back!</p>
<p>From preironic “As far as Dharma, many of us read her long, complicated, and convoluted posts and weighed in with advise and sympathy. I know it must have stung being asked to move her posts to another thread, but I think we deserve some updates!”</p>
<p>Preironic, your post on the elders thread just now touched my feelings so much that I reversed my decision to not post again or even answer PMs because I think of you fondly because you and I once had a little “tiff” when I wasn’t being strong enough, and it means so much to me that you–and all the others on the two different threads–have written welcoming and sympathetic posts to me. (In the end I DID follow your advice…and thrived!)</p>
<p>I want to say loud and clear that people listening to and advising me over the past few months I was here (only since June!) without a doubt lead to my making INTELLIGENT and INFORMED decisions that I would never have come to on my own. How can I thank you?</p>
<p>I will be so happy to chat again with friends and listen to guiding words when I need them, for the coming months will not be easy.</p>
<p>My mother had a charity-organization escort her to the MD this morning (she went with the caregiver who helps her with her walker and listens in when important things like meds are discussed with the MD). The caregiver called me around noon to say the MD sent my mother in an ambulance to the hospital with low blood pressure (how come last time it was high?) and a very irregular heartbeat. So I bring her things she asked for to the hospital tomorrow. Very unfortunately, because of fear, or pain, or general orneryiness, her behavior has been very bad–aggressive and mean to the angel of a caregiver–and the not uncommon hostility to me. The caregiver, when I asked her point-blank, said she will not quit, but if my mother is bad enough, I wouldn’t blame her. </p>
<p>A very slimy, underhanded realtor and his customer have bid on the house then, after a ludicrous home inspection (our realtor demands to see a copy of the inspectors report) in which in email, the “buyer’s” realtor lists a dozen problems amounting to repairs of $20,000, (and my mother’s house is immaculate and perfect inside and out) so they lowered their bid by $20,000. For instance, the bad realtor wrote that the big tree in the back yard interfered with the septic system. The survey, of which my mother had available several copies available right on the table, clearly indicates that the septic is under the expansive FRONT lawn, not the back!. The email said the furnace needs to be replaced, which is utterly baffling because it it NEW. My realtor is the most intelligent, coolest, toughest person imaginable. She told me what she would tell the buyer’s realtor. I asked, would you use those words (very assertive professional language) and she said YES! I asked her if she surmised that the buying team thought they would smoke a needy little old lady out of her house, and if so, to let them know the owner could live with her daughter (a fate worse than death) until she gets her terms and price. The realtor replied, No, for the past two years or so, buyers have been pulling all kinds of tricks and plots to drive down prices as far as they can. She is serene and not unconfident. She knows for a fact this buyer wants the house (in an innocent moment he told her) but he and his agent will spare no punches. So we wait and see. She is also confident there will be more showings.</p>
<p>My heartfelt wishess to all of you- (via Bob, of course):</p>
<p>“Forever Young”</p>
<p>May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.</p>
<p>May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.</p>
<p>May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.</p>
<p>It’s a good thing you have a reliable realtor. I know realtors often get bad raps, but I know a couple personally and they are fine morally upright people that want to make everyone to walk away feeling good about the deal. Having some competition for your Mom’s house would be a good thing. What’s going on with it this weekend? </p>