<p>The problem here is that the cost is unknown. The septic tank needs to be replaced, and that cost can be estimated. But when the tank is replaced, the workers may discover that a new leaching system is required. Or they might not. That cost is unknown.</p>
<p>Dharma --</p>
<p>Good luck getting your mom moved in tomorrow. Sending good thoughts…</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Actually I knew that. Typo.</p>
<p>CF, As scared as I was of the report, quess what I said after I read it. “Its extremely well written.” </p>
<p>I have been working on this septic issue since 7:30 and have made much progress. My 25 yr Septic Company will do an analysis with a backhoe for $1,007 on Nov. 7. Ugh, a day before the Estate Sale on the 8th and 9th. This analysis will be more comprehensive (learn more) than the buyer’s analysis and I should get a pretty clear price of what the repair will cost. The Director AGREED that we can pay the FULL COST of the repair at closing. Yes, it will be thousands but I want to represent the house as flawless. </p>
<p>I got up my courage and talked to the man who did the septic inspection for the buyer. He was very nice and took his time with me. Interestingly, I can’t remember exactly what he said but he said he remembered the job well and the way he described it made it sound not so terrible as the “worst case scenario” report he wrote. I quoted him the last sentence “A new system would require upgrading to new code and for one thing there will be code distances that would be required that the property line would not work with.” I told him I was very very concerned about this sentence because it made it sound as though it were impossible to fix the system and stay within the property lines. I still do not understand the sentence, but he said oh no, the system is entirely fixable, only the cost is unknown depending on what damage is found that needs to be addressed, and the cost range could be thousands, but most likely close to $15,000. Also, I told him that I did not want the tree to come down–could the system be entirely fixed and the tree remain? He said yes, but it would be better if the tree came down. The yes is good enough for me. The tree stays.</p>
<p>So I have made my decisions about the septic system. I can now HOPE that it all can be done soon and quickly and with as little mess as possible. CF, do you think it will take longer than 1-2 days?</p>
<p>Long post, sorry!</p>
<ol>
<li>Re: the AL and a lien
I’m sure the AL just wants their payment and if a family member pays her monthly bill until the house sells, that is the same as if your mother paid.<br></li>
</ol>
<p>If no one else pays her monthly bill, then the AL will, I think:
• run a bill with past-30 days, past-60 days etc. (possibly interest will be charged on past-due amounts);
• put a lien on her house if the past-due notices go on too long.
• begin eviction proceedings if time goes on and there is no payment or reasonable hope of payment.</p>
<p>Houses can take a year or more to sell, but at a monthly fee of nearly 7K per month, even if it took a year to sell the house, there would still be enough money from the sale to pay her AL bills in arrears (which would likely have interest costs added).<br>
But you can see how the AL would have to make a decision about whether they were willing to wait, and if they have cash flow issues, they may not agree to wait.</p>
<p>**Clearly, selling the house quickly is important. Do whatever you need to do to sell quickly. **</p>
<ol>
<li>Re: the septic tank report and repair<br>
Edited since reading your last post, Dharma.</li>
</ol>
<p>Good idea going ahead and great the company will wait for payment to do the work.
Reconsider about the tree. If it’s better the tree goes, why is it better?
This is what I meant about how sellers sometimes cut corners when doing work. Will the buyer end up with problems if the tree stays? If you were the buyer, would you rather the tree went, or stayed, based on the company’s reason for the recommendation to remove it? </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Until the septic work begins, put up stakes with yellow tape to keep people off the potentially-collapsing part of the lawn! No one should be allowed to walk on it until it is fixed! If people are coming around to look at the house, they could be in danger.</p></li>
<li><p>I say this with all kindness: Stop focusing on what you dislike about your sister and BIL.<br>
It is poisoning you, and it is making this entire process much harder.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Regardless of what she has or has not done in the past, your sister has a right to visit her mother now. If she wants to call it a pleasure trip, she can call it whatever she likes. Maybe she is saying that to herself to steel herself for the unpleasantness she knows awaits her.</p>
<p>You yourself said how frail your mother is. Suppose this is the last chance your sister has to see her mother alive? Think she doesn’t care? Maybe she cares too much and avoidance is her way of dealing with hurt. You don’t live inside her head, you don’t know what she feels or thinks. </p>
<p>Do yourself a huge favor and stop judging her, her lifestyle, her care of animals, and whatever else you are judging. Live and let live. It will take a load off your heart.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yes. Every moment spent thinking about her faults, every brain cell expended on being upset and angry, is wasted. She’s not going to change, and you can ill afford to waste time and energy on things you can’t change. Accept that she is what she is, and work around it.</p>
<p>If no one is in the house, why not drain the septic and see what’s up?</p>
<p>It doesn’t make sense to me to do the more detailed septic inspection without replacing the tank at the same time. You know the tank has to be replaced. The inspection requires a backhoe and a huge hole. Once you have the backhoe and the huge hole, seems to me you might as well pull out the old defective tank and put in a new one. At that time the workers can assess the state of the leach field and determine whether further work is necessary, and also determine whether the maple has to go.</p>
<p>I am done for the day. Put the very heavy portable wheelchair in the van, put in the walker, third row of seats is filled with about 15 framed canvases. Notified the SW and desk staff that I will be there at 8:15 am and that A must be packed and have an early breakfast. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is reaching back, but I do not trust her judgment anymore. She suggested offering a credit to the buyer about the septic, but as CF wisely points out, the extent of the damage is unknown, and I am now determined to find out what needs to be done, and do it, regardless of the cost, because whatever my mother gets for the house, she goes on Medicaid when she runs out of money. I would not buy a house with a damaged septic, the extent of which was unknown" and could run into thousands of dollars. </p>
<p>I have been exchanging emails with the patient septic director today, and in one he used a phrase like “if it can be fixed.” This struck terror in my heart. What if it can’t be fixed, what then? So I asked him and he replied, yes, it can certainly be fixed; what I meant is if the current leaching fields cannot be fixed, an engineer will come in and design new leaching fields and we will install them. It will just be much more expensive. So that is what I want, a problem free house, regardless of the cost. I think the buyer’s idea of offering a credit when the extent of the damage is very unknown is stupid. If I were looking for a house, that would not make me feel good. CF sounds exactly right to me in everything she has said about this (I wonder what profession she is in). </p>
<p>About the tree. Quoting from my 902. “could the system be entirely fixed and the tree remain? He said yes, but it would be better if the tree came down. The yes is good enough for me. The tree stays.”</p>
<p>We do not have $2000 at the minimum to take down a beautiful maple tree. The expert who did the analysis said the system can be fixed and the tree remain etc. He did not say it was vital to take down the tree. If whoever buys the house wants to take down the tree, let them. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>CF, with all your immense knowledge, you baffle me with the above comment. The current tank is entirely collapsed and, which is really beside the point, is metal, the worst kind of tank. Of course it will be replaced with an entirely new ceramic or cement tank, which costs alone about $425.</p>
<p>Husband wants this computer so have to go upstairs and see if DD is at the other one.</p>
<p>BTW, DH will fight me hard over agreeing on a price, wanting as much as possible, but I am determined to get this house sold asap, but of course I will not take a “demeaning” price. I feel horrible that the winter months are approaching.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Sorry I don’t understand this. The current tank is totally collapsed, and the man who did the inspection for the ex-buyer told me that what is coming out of the house is not actually going into the tank, the tank is in such a collapsed condition. They have to do a huge excavation and underground examination with a camera. So in fact, I guess there is no tank to drain at all. </p>
<p>I wrote earlier today that I regretted my demanding emails to sister and BIL, and wrote apologies, but actually I don’t think either of them is paying any attention to anything I am writing or saying to them. I had 48 hours of anger and now I am shutting them down / turning them off again. I will put off thinking about the November visit. But I don’t know how we will pay for AL without help if the house doesn’t sell soon. </p>
<p>DH has not appeared. Realtor wrote to me that clients looked at the house at 5 pm today and another party will see the house on Sunday. Tomorrow is the day I move mother into AL. I told both the director and the recreation director that they know–nnot be surprised if mother says anything–that I told mother that the rec director told me residents could not have paints, canvases, brushes, easel, etc in their rooms at all (mother insisted I bring all); all art must be done in the art room. Rec director told me that wasn’t a white lie but indeed the policy. </p>
<p>I am going to email my mother’s handyman and tell him it is vital to seal off the area with yellow warning tape, tomorrow if he can. Thanks for that great tip. </p>
<p>CT mom, thanks for your post with much helpful info and advice, especially about what if mother falls into arrears at AL. I understand your thoughts about examining things from my sister’s perspective. Sometimes I think I’m okay that she ignored me for 8 weeks this summer, but sometimes I’m not.</p>
<p>Anyone out there who wants to discuss the positive sides of anger, or are you all anti-anger?</p>
<p>No report tomorrow. Tomorrow is morning interview at AL; afternoon move-in, and I will be setting up the bed and hanging the clothes in the closet until 8 or 9 pm.</p>
<p>Dharnawheel, I give you permission not to worry about the septic tank tonight. Just have a nice evening and the very best of luck tomorrow that move-in is calm and clear.</p>
<p>Oh. You never said the tank was totally collapsed. Thought it just was old and leaky. </p>
<p>Those who know from therapy: what do therapists say about anger?</p>
<p>Really came to post, that I sent the very reliable handyman an email to guard the large septic area with yellow warning tape and stakes from Home Depot. I know he will do so asap. I think it was CT mom, that was an excellent suggestion I would never have thought of. (This morning, the mowers mowed the region. They will know from the yellow tape to avoid it now).</p>
<p>The oil tank is settled as far as I am concerned. I am not worried about it. I am just going to be strong and do my best to move my mother tomorrow, Tuesday. I will certainly need to return at the very least Wednesday to continue to hang, furnish, etc. The reliable handyman will learn soon that Adele would like him to come over and hang the art. </p>
<p>Paid $640 for workman’s com fora year for an employee who worked 7/31 to 9/5. Certified letter confirming discontinuation of coverage. No refund. A total waste. </p>
<p>Dear old mom, I will take your advice and find something nice to eat now. The girls have already eaten. Husband likes to eat late. I feel guilty (and resentful) when I read about families who share sit-down dinner time, explore topics, etc.</p>
<p>That idyllic family dinner thing rarely happened at my house either. ;-)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Hurray! Dropping the price scared up some potential buyers!</p>
<p>Dharma, sorry I wasn’t clear. I should have said:</p>
<p>It doesn’t make sense to me to do the more detailed septic inspection without replacing the tank at the same time. You know the tank has to be replaced. If you have a big hole, and you have the backhoe that dug it, you should take advantage of those things and have them use the backhoe to put in a new tank, since the tank needs to be replaced anyway. No sense paying for a backhoe to come to the property twice.</p>
<p>By the way, I’m a software engineer, with a sideline in tech writing.</p>
<p>It’s a big leap between “I would not buy a house with a damaged septic, the extent of which was unknown” and could run into thousands of dollars"
and our advice to find out what the extent of the problem is and how much it will cost to repair. As they say, inquiring minds want to know. </p>
<p>Sorry, but the letter you quoted said “collapsing,” which a couple of us took to mean that. Fang even condensed it, from the report quote. It’s all we had to go on. You can imagine our confusion. </p>
<p>Mark the entire problem area and it will be seen as they come to the house. </p>
<p>And the AL space: a few posters talked about moving her into a completed, welcoming spot.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Best of luck with the move tomorrow. Say this mantra tonight and tomorrow. I am doing my best, I can only control myself, there are things I cannot control therefore I will not let them control me.</p>
<p>Good job getting the grassy area marked off. Thank goodness nothing happened while mowing today!</p>
<p>Did you specifically ask for a prorated refund for the worker’s comp insurance? If not, do so.</p>
<p>Good luck with move in tomorrow!<br>
I’ll be taking my mother to her geriatric psychiatrist to see what we can do to help her sleep longer at night-- she wakes up 5 times each night.</p>
<p>I’m delighted that some buyers are coming around to see the house!</p>
<p>Anger is a big subject, a good one to explore with a therapist. It’s often based on disappointed expectations, and can be the way we process fear/powerlessness or hurt feelings. </p>
<p>The thing to remember during your sister’s visit is that the venting of anger has been shown to increase anger rather than diminish it, and that the expression of anger toward others repels them, drives them away. Perhaps her upcoming visit is not the time to deal with your anger toward her; just try not to let the visit increase the emotional distance between you two. Perhaps someday you can be closer; for now, just try not to argue.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Please consider doing all your work in moving tomorrow WITHOUT your mother and MOVE HER ON WEDNESDAY.</p>
<p>
This says the top of the tank was collapsing, but hasn’t yet.
</p>
<p>It doesnt say its completely collapsed. But yes, it needs to be replaced. Sooner or later.</p>
<p>You told us that “the movers cannot appear until 1:30 at the earliest!” So what are you going to do with Mom from morning til they are done? </p>
<p>And to be clearer, flagging the whole septic tank area with bright yellow caution tapes will be visible even when driving by. Do you want agents to have to explain before someone even sees inside? There are alternatives that achieve the same protection. But I guess you have your guy scheduled.</p>
<p>When you have time, maybe not for days or weeks, please reread the cautions about lending money to your mother. I believe CTmom weighed in on this several times. If Medicaid questions her payback to you, you can need to repay that back into her funds. That’s worst case, of course. But not something you are prepared for.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Therapy isn’t a class. It’s not the therapist giving you information. She would probably ask you what you’re angry about, and the exploration of that question could lead just about anywhere. A good therapist would use your anger to begin exploring things that need to be changed.</p>