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<p>We left the NH with her suitcase and bags and discharge papers and a big “Goodbye!”; no on on either side – NH or AL – suggested anything like an extra night in the AL. The SW at the NH and the Director of the AL are in daily contact, have shared many residents, and I have way too much to think about to have thought to assert such a sensible idea myself. </p>
<p>Move in day is past, thank goodness. It wasn’t ideal, but it’s over.</p>
<p>I’m very glad to hear people are coming to look at the house!</p>
<p>I wonder if in the past they had allowed someone to move in before all the contractual and financial matters were finalized, and then either the person already moved in, was unwilling to sign/agree to the terms of the contract or they did not pay their agreed upon payment. Then the facility had to go through the process of evicting them, but until they could get them out had to basically care for them for free. So their procedure makes reasonable sense to me.</p>
<p>So-- is your Mom using her hearing aids? I hope she didn’t lose them again.<br>
Can they be marked or engraved with her name somehow, in case they get misplaced?</p>
<p>Dharma,</p>
<p>You’ve logged in several times in the past few days but not updated or responded to CTmom. Whats that about?</p>
<p>BTW, as I told you previously, the oil spill tag # is not a big deal as you have the clearance letter, but it is still on the property. NYS updates its NYSDEC website on Fridays. Maybe it’ll clear next week, as the spill # isn’t closed yet.</p>
<p>jym626, thank you for the vote of confidence. I agree that it makes “reasonable sense” but it clearly fails when dealing with ill and tired elders. After seeing what happened on Tuesday and Wednesday, I am in shock that the AL does in one day what clearly should be done in two days. Another night in the NH would have been ideal and given me the next morning to set up her room without her there. They could have gotten all her papers signed and payments made on Tuesday and I could have moved her in Wed afternoon, after I set up her room and had had the set up approved by the Director for safety. I pick this topic up again at the end of this post.</p>
<p>CTmom, the Director of Nursing called me about the hearing aids, responding to my email to her about them. The AL aides will not touch the hearing aids and my mother is responsible for them all on her own. I will be cleaning them now and replacing the batteries. They came in a nice box that she must keep at her bedside and not take the hearing aides out all day. I am not sure I can rely on her to keep them in all day.</p>
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<p>Given the costs you cite, given the fact that my mother will have to pay me and my husband back for the months of rent we pay until her house closes, given that she owes the oil company 2/3 of the cost of the work they did, and add to that, she will owe the septic company an amount that can enter the thousands, and pay the attorney, what she is left with might be shockingly little. It is a very bleak picture. When we add up what is left and add in her Social Security, we will know how many months she has rent money for AL. This facility does take Medicaid residents. Bu the booklet says an “assessment” is done for each resident who applies for Medicaid, and given my mother’s fraility and that her “care level” is the highest, I am inclined to think they would not accept her on Medicaid but send her to a NH.</p>
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<p>I want to make a special comment and apology to LF and Denise C for their comments of 10/27, quoted above.I believe there were others, too, who urged me not to do paperwork and move my mother in on the same day.LF refers to them: my thanks to you others who gave advice about the move-in procedure, too. I owed LF and Denice C a reply on the 27th (and the others who offered advice, too) and left the impression that I was ignoring the excellent advice of several people.</p>
<p>I may simply not have replied because DH had cooked and was demanding me to turn off the computer. But I may have not replied out of discouragement, because I faced a hopeless situation. My mother and I visited the Plaza for interviews and assessments and meals three times before my mother moved in, and for some perverse reason the Director told us over and over that paperwork and move-in occur on the same day. They have perhaps dozens of residents ( believe in total there are 140 residents–they have two seatings for all three meals) who moved from their rehab NH into the Plaza in one day. You may recall that I was shocked to witness the Director chew out a staff member in front of guests and residents. She has a very strong, controlling personality and has never let me finish a sentence. I have to compel her to listen to me when I have a vital question or have something important to tell her. I was very concerned about this one day move-in procedure, I assure you. I knew it would leave my mother exhausted.But I should have foreseen the disaster of having her present while the room was made up. How could an experienced Director allow this? Why didn’t I have the courage to ask for an exception, to take my mother back to the NH after signing papers and writing checks; then set up her room with the movers the next day, and bring her from the NH to the AL the following afternoon? There would have been no reason for them to worry about not getting paid. I wrote the three checks on Tuesday. Was I overpowered by what was, from the Director, not an instruction, but a demand? That is all I can think of, that I felt the pressure of force, and was afraid to speak up.</p>
<p>But I have to add, she has a good side. As she walks through the halls she is warmly attentive to the residents and embraces residents frequently. She stays every day to 7-8 pm. I think I wrote earlier, when I left on Tues evening, she placed her hands on my face and said Dharmawheel, you did good.</p>
<p>I have been to the AL frequently now, and from what I’ve observed, all those providing care do an excellent job. There are a great many aides, and the team of aides knows that my mother needs their help frequently, in many ways.</p>
<p>Dharmwheel – you did the best you could. Leave it behind, and look forward. There are LOTS of things I would have done differently for my mom, my dad and my MIL, “had I but known.” I do not know one person who’s been deeply involved in eldercare issues who can’t say that.</p>
<p>Now that mom is settled in the AL, the next thing on the plate is selling the house, right? Have you had any nibbles after the first day?</p>
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<p>Let’s hope your Mom decides she prefers hearing people to not hearing them, and leaves the hearing aids in!</p>
<p>This waiting for someone to make an offer on the house is nerve wracking, since you can’t now how long it will take. I hope the house is being shown and that you will be having an Open House?</p>
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<p>Yes, two parties expressed great interest in the house this week, according to my realtor, but have not made an offer. Two parties will visit the house today.</p>
<p>arabrab, thank you for your kind and understanding comment. It means a lot to me.</p>
<p>Special to those who have recommended a therapist: This will surprise, perhaps even shock you, but I have a 3 pm appointment to meet with the Roman Catholic Parish Priest. Priests are given training in counseling during their years in the seminary. I left a voicemail on the parish phone, and he called me immediately. Yes, I do recognize that he does not have the deep training of a therapist, but I am comfortable with the choice I made.</p>
<p>After my son sided (over 20 years ago, remember) the then-Senior Priest of the Parish helped me greatly. </p>
<p>That’s good Dharma, hopefully he can provide some help. </p>
<p>This is water under the bridge at this point, but perhaps lessons could be learned. I get that she couldn’t move in before papers were signed. But was she required to move in the same day papers were signed? As opposed to moving her furniture in that afternoon, and then moving * her * in the next morning, when everything would have been in place and she would have been rested? </p>
<p>I think anyone who’s read through the thread gets the lesson learned. Had I been in Dharma’s position with the director of the facility telling me, “that’s the way we do it,” I probably would have made the same mistake. You expect professionals to know their job.</p>
<p>Perhaps, arabrab. But I think the point made was that we brought it up here, several times, so it was, so to say, on the table here. Same for several other points. </p>
<p>Every facility has its own way of doing things, and sometimes their way isn’t particularly reasonable from the family’s point of view. I probably would have gone along with it too, and been annoyed about it afterward.</p>
<p>IMO Its better to start off on the right foot and do things the way the facility prefers. There is a reason their procedures are as they are, and they do this all the time, so they know what they are doing and they have probably seen it all before. It can be very confusing for many older adults to go back and forth between facilities multiple times in a few days. And often a confused older adult is an agitated older adult. And an agitated older adult can be a management issue for both the NH and the AL as they go back and forth those 2 days. So, IMO rather than assume the Director is unreasonable , the facility is rigid or inconsiderate and they can’t possibly know what one’s parent needs so you need to ask them for an "exception, its probably better to assume that they DO know, and have found that this tends to work best all the way around.</p>
<p>Its also possible from a “transfer” standpoint that she has to be officially discharged form the NH with all that documentation completed so that the AL can accept her as a resident. Not sure, but quite possible.</p>
<p>Sorry folks, but it’s a question I would have asked.<br>
So be it, we get that. But we’re still taking liens, loans, septic and whatever else- all issues where careful consideration is good and can prevent mis-steps and added aggravation. Careful consideration. Mimimize the surprises and stresses, control for what you can. Then when Murphy’s Law rears its ugly head, you have some energy to deal with it.
But no, life’s not perfect. </p>
<p>Maybe once the furniture is out, the realtor can make a push to get some more people through it. Right now, it still has an old woman’s furniture in it, which means it won’t show that well. How expensive would it be to paint the entryway and a couple other rooms in the house, once all the furniture is out? </p>
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<p>Actually, the furniture is very tasteful. In truth my mother WAS an accomplished artist with exquisite taste. The house is flawless inside and needs no painting or anything. The baths and the kitchen are tidy and welcoming, but the fixtures are from the 50s. </p>
<p>Many thanks for those who offered supportive words concerning the mishap move-in day. It still haunts me greatly, and as LF pointed out, I question why I didn’t ask the Director to break the move in to two days. But as ararab said:</p>
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<p>LF, please don’t be angry with me; I didn’t know; I tried my best. With the oil tank, the septic, the lost buyer, the feeble mother, the assets anxiety, I could only think superficially, not DEEPLY about a matter that needed a very clear , STRONG-MINDED head.</p>
<p>Thank you ararab.</p>
<p>CF, about how the house will look after the Estate Sale. It looks so nice now. The two professionals did a startling magnificent job, creatively arranging furniture and paintings. It must have taken them hours. Last night I had a long talk with the professional who is managing the Estate Sale. I told her we made the dates for the sale FRi 11/7 and Sat 11/8 because my realtor said we had a buyer for sure and would probably close in late November. I asked her, should we move back the dates of the Estate Sale since there is now no buyer, and if the sale does well on the 7th and 8th, the house will look empty and forlorn? She said no; after mid-November, Estate/Moving sales are dead until the Spring. She told me that after the sale, she would stage the house gratis for me, moving in furniture from her own antiques business if necessary, to make the house look sensational. In the past (like 10 years ago), I think I mentioned once here, I had many occasions to work with her ■■■■■■■■ son for free who was then a young teenager. I think she has a kind, personal interest in me.</p>
<p>You all know my sister and BIL have long ignored my help to contribute financially (certainly many of you will consider my asking more than once or even twice for money as incredibly foolish), should there be a gap between the months my mother and I and my husband can pay, and when my mother has the cash from the house sale. I believe it was Friday (I’ve lost all track of time) I hand-delivered to the receptionist to give to the Director, explaining the problem, and requesting an interview to discuss the matter. We are scheduled to meet at 3 on Tuesday.</p>
<p>I have been given advice by many of the wise and experienced posters AGAINST what I am going to tell you now, here goes. I wake up early and read my email. I saw that again, as with many days in the recent past, there was no email from my sister. I told her I had a meeting with the Director on Tues at 3 to discuss our mother’s future and I needed definitive information from them.</p>
<p>I as so furious, I blasted them with a very angry email, told them I was disgusted with how they were not responding to me, asking for a simple answer to a simple question. As far as I knew, they saw an email from me and clicked Delete. Did I tell you, on Halloween, I sent my sister a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY email and, after much positive chat, closed by saying I needed an answer asap about whether they had assets to pay our mother’s rent should there by a gap, or were they willing to assume the costs of a home equity loan? Remember, they both have full time jobs, no children, pay vet bills for 7 dogs, about 20 cats (one recently had surgery), pay a special vet to come and attend their horse and another to attend their cow. Before the recession their house and 70 acres were assessed at one million dollars.</p>
<p>In response to my Happy Birthday email, ending with the question of how they could contribute, my sister responded with cheery details about how her girlfriends gave her a surprise party for her birthday, and went into detail about each special dish each guest brought. She said nothing about our mother’s predicament. </p>
<p>In my reply early this morning, I told her to cancel her visit with her best friend and send whatever cash she would have been spending for the airfare and B&B in a check made out to my mother. I wrote, “I love you, V, we all want to see you and L, but if you will not contribute while our mother is in need, she will be sent to a Medicaid facility and Medicaid will put a lien on her house. So don’t come if you can’t contribute, because it would be an outrage.”</p>
<p>I took my daughter to her piano lesson, and when I returned, I learned that they DID read this very angry email and it stirred things into action. My BIL called and told my DH that he had a $100,000 line of credit, and would pay our mother’s rent until we first ran out of money and the time until the house sold. It took this angry, angry email to get them to respond when over many weeks a few simple words would have relieved my anxiety. </p>
<p>Also, my BIL and DH discussed the price of the house and my husband is adamant in the following: I have no say in what he and BIL concluded. The house has a heavily advertised Open House for this Sunday, 11/9. The price is $225,000. The much-less attractive house across the street sold for $240,000 this summer. The septic will have on that date have been analyzed and will scheduled to be fixed. BIL and DH agreed that if we do not have a signed contract two weeks after the Open House, the price of the house will be lowered to $185,000. If it sells at $185,000, after she pays her debts, she will have very little money left and will soon be a candidate for Medicaid, which her AL accepts., luckily one of the few who do.</p>
<p>I know, I know, I was told to leave matters with my sister alone, but you see, this letter got results. I know I have at times gone against advice here, but I assure you I read and consider every post carefully. I am a graduate of Bard College and still a strong supporter of the liberal/activist school. Perhaps I have a deep divisive, rebellious streak, and my headstrong nature (accompanied by a “wimp” side as I think it was LF who described it). </p>
<p>I forgot to make clear: the meeting with the Priest is at 3 pm on Wednesday. Thank you, CF, for your kind remark.</p>
<p>Can I share a sweet personal OT note with you? My 20 yr has had no experience with young men and has no particular interest in dating.Went to neither prom. DD2 is being courted by the nicest boy in the school, from an excellent family, with many siblings. His personality is perfection. It is a small school, so I know all the kids in her class. I know for sure that rank doesn’t really mean/reveal anything, but he is ranked #3 in the class (DD2 is #1) DD2 is so close to me, she asked me on the way to piano, Can I tell you something? I said Of course! She said M kissed me goodnight on their Friday night date. I asked her, did you like it? She said Yes. I said, DD2, I am so happy for you.</p>
<p>I have to take my mother outside tomorrow to see her primary care physician at 11 am. I asked the AL to have her ready at 9:30. Wish me well.</p>