<p>Clearly, I get the point. Sorry to prolong the issue, but what could be the “consequences”? That they’ll raise my mother’s rent? The Director likes me. I obey orders like an army recruit. I am fast and efficient. She has praised me. Yes, I made a blunder in the email. But it is not going to bring disaster down on my head. The MAIN POINT is that my ANGRY letter made my sister and BIL jump FAST and offer money, after they had been ignoring me for weeks. That we have our mother’s rent covered is much more important than the minor blunder in the email. Nevertheless, I recognize the point, and have enough brain space left to absorb it and remember it for the future.</p>
<p>Come on Dharma, you have to slow down in the right places and quit with the TMI.<br>
It feels good sure. We all want to spill our guts. But it’s just a false rush. </p>
<p>When you are dependent on others, respect their time and energy. </p>
<p>Must say, you are a danger with emails. !
They don’t need to know your personal arrangements. </p>
<p>The consequences are that you blow it. That they see you as complicated to deal with. That, when there is an issue that needs their attention, they will think, “What now?” Don’t cry wolf, don’t exhaust them. </p>
<p>TMI is placing a burden on the next guy. It’s heaping on them and asking them to do the filtering of all our words and explanations and random thoughts that we should be doing. In some cases, it is actually disrespectful.</p>
<p>You may feel you are “fast and efficient.” But most of your posts tell us you are frazzled, running in several directions at once. Many of our responses are to pull you back from the brink and get you to edit your thoughts. Then you tell us, “Well, I didn’t think.” </p>
<p>Eye on the ball. And only on the ball.
Give the people around you the gift of simplicity.</p>
<p>Each of us here absolutely understands the stresses of dealing with elders and their messes. Plus spouses kids and the rest of life.</p>
<p>DW glad you see the let your mom be treated like all the other AL new residents and get adjusted with the facility.</p>
<p>Follow their recommendations. Then when your mom complains, you can let it roll off of you like a duck with water!</p>
<p>DW, be kind to yourself. If writing relieves you of stress, PM some of us. Some people on this thread are well-meaning, but you may be having your tender feelings hurt in your vulnerable state.</p>
<p>I have confidence your mom’s house is in a good location, looks good. Heavily marketed open house will work.</p>
<p>Do things in your home and with your H, children that make you happy and productive. Enjoy a little time with your dog and reading in your sunny room area.</p>
<p>Everyone has situations that they would-have, could-have, should-have moments. No catastrophes here.</p>
<p>Have a great couple of days. Praying for a home great buyer quickly!</p>
<p>Three words to guide you in your communications outside of your intimate circle: Need to know.</p>
<p>Tell people what they need to know, and they will pay attention.</p>
<p>If you clutter your speech (and emails) with extraneous information, people begin listening (and reading) selectively, perhaps even missing the main point. </p>
<p>The consequence to putting too much information in an email, a call or a post is that you are wasting people’s time. People don’t find it “efficient” if you make them wade through a haystack of irrelevancies to find the needle of information. They wonder why you are not considerate enough to take the time to present the information they need.</p>
<p>If you force people to skim (or half listen to) information they don’t care about, they might miss the information you wanted them to know. Moreover, the next time they deal with you, they’ll have a negative attitude.</p>
<p>Thanks for asking jym626. There was no problem at all or questions asked about the cancellation. If fact, I’m sure it was welcome. My mother is in this facility because it is so close, the Director, Head Nurse, and Aides clearly care, but there are drawbacks. The facility has 140 residents, which seems to be unusually high. The staff is always dashing. They have two sittings for each meal because the dining room cannot accommodate so many residents. So I expect they were glad to have the cancellation.</p>
<p>But, there was an incident yesterday. I got a call from an aide around noon that my mother had fallen again and that she was confused. Someone asked her, Do you have a relative who lives nearby? She said No. They said she was very confused. I wish I had pursued this, e.g., did they ask her who the President was? What year it was, etc. She was taken by ambulance to the usual hospital.</p>
<p>I called around 5 and she was still in the ER. The ER nurse said I would certainly be called back later that evening but I was not. So I called this morning at 6. My mother’s personal nurse said my mother slept well, and that when they spoke together in the evening she was coherent and not confused. She is in a special ward for wound care and is on antibiotics for the leg wound. If I interpret what the nurse meant correctly, she is primarily in the hospital because of the leg wound. The nurse could not estimate how long she would be there.</p>
<p>Interesting developments with my sister and BIL. Some here may remember that I wrote them a blisteringly angry email to them on Nov 1:</p>
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</p>
<p>I most certainly didn’t want to, but I was ready to be rid of them. Well, they must have read this email at 7:30 am Nevada time because at 10:30 am, after I left for piano, my BIL immediately -called and told my DH how much money they were willing to put up for our mother until her house sold and they were paid back. A lot of money. I sent them a thank you but stayed cool because they had left me in the dark for so many weeks–months–about whether they would contribute anything, I was relieved but still angry.</p>
<p>Well, most surprisingly–given that I had written to them so angrily–my sister emailed me the other day a deep apology and recognized that I had been caring for our mother for 9 years (I counted–my father died in 2005 and my mother basically collapsed and was helpless… I basically could not leave her alone and took her with me when I went grocery shopping, to piano and kung fu lessons, etc. Then the suicide attempt and very lengthy hospital stay and gradually she became more independent. </p>
<p>And to my shock, yesterday morning my BIL himself–with whom I have not spoken for 20 years–called me on the phone to apologize. We had a warm conversation. We talked about how my sister and her best friend arrive on Saturday. (This call was before I learned that my mother went to the hospital.) He spoke with appreciation about how I had cared for his wife’s and my mother, as though he were giving a prepared speech.</p>
<p>I would have expected an angry email like mine to be met with defensive anger, and I was prepared for that because I was sickened and fed up. What followed is amazing to me. But why did they say nothing–not a word-- over the past 9 years?</p>
<p>The above is not Off Topic because it does discuss elder care, just saying.</p>
<p>As we went over last week, once they see she has fallen, calling EMT is good, especially if they feel a higher level of expertise is needed.</p>
<p>But when we said “lay low,” I think we all meant AL, taking a day or two off from there, if possible, letting your mother increase her acclimation and letting staff follow their routines related to that. We meant not having a routine of going there daily or staying long, unless there is a specific need. </p>
<p>Hospital counts as a need, for many right reasons. </p>
<p>We know there is anger against your mother and sister. Many of us have experienced that anger and it runs through the Parents Caring thread, too. But we learn we can’t let it dominate us or it eats us alive. We learn to stop picking at wounds. We learn to learn what the limits are (and what our limits are) and work within that. Therapy helps. It helps us put the past and present in perspective, work on our reactions and move forward. </p>
<p>When your mother was transported to the hospital, the EMTs would have assessed her level of consciousness/coherence. That is a standard part of their protocol. Whoever admitted her to the hospital would have assessed her level of consciousness too. When you visit, you can find how she was, and how long she is expected to be in the hospital.</p>
<p>I expect it varies by region, but 140 residents would not be uncommon out here. My mom’s AL has 160 when they’re filled up. I actually like the large size, because isolation is a big problem with this population. More residents means more people to interact with, more games and activities to keep them busy. It keeps the place lively, which IMO is important.</p>
<p>More residents doesn’t mean less care, at least not in CA where the staff-to-resident ratio is regulated. But AL aides are not personal attendants. My mom had to adjust her expectations about that too.</p>
<p>Absolutely, that is what I intended. A day or two? She needs to be away from me much longer than that. She is fixated on the idea of living in my house. When I came in to the AL on Mon, it was to bring A to the MD at 9:15, and since I arrived early–I waited in one of the many comfortable chairs the ALs provide for elderly who have to sit down a lot. At 9:05 I got the call from the MD’s nurse canceling the visit. I did NOT want to visit my mother, understanding the importance of getting her acclimated, etc. I don’t remember how it got started, but I got into a conversation with the Head of Aides–not hurried–very patient–and she explained to me that Adele was doing much better (of course this was days before yesterday’s fall). She told me, now go visit your mother, and I should have done my own thinking. In typical entrenched fashion, I followed orders, which led to the terrible scene I described. My sister arrives on Sunday, and I will not go to the hospital until Sunday (or the NH or AL, wherever they take her. The nurse this morning said they want the leg wound to be healed or healing before she goes back to AL (if that is in fact where she goes)… </p>
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</p>
<p>You may offer me different counsel, which I will respect and consider, but as I said above, I do not intend to see my mother until Monday. After Monday’s scene, I am unwilling to go alone. I will probably call her, even probably this afternoon. I was surprised when the nurse told me I can expect her to be in the hospital for a week while the leg wound is carefully tended to.</p>
<p>Tomorrow. The team comes with heavy equipment at 8:30 am. I give the team leader a check for $1007 for a deep, complete inspection–far more detailed that what the ex-buyer had performed, and should get a pretty clear estimate of what the cost of entirely fixing the septic system would cost. This company has generously agreed to wait till after the closing for the WHOLE cost (except tomorrow’s $1,007 of course) to be paid.</p>
<p>Medicare question: My mother has had 4 hospitalizations since June, 2 long rehab periods in NHs, 4 visits to ERs (or was it 5?). How much…how far…does Medicare pay? I need to know how it works, because my mother has almost no cash left. Should I call Medicare. Its been such a whirl, I can’t offer exact dates or anything like that, but would’t they have those records. I just called the hospital’s business office, but she told me I would have to call Medicare to know if my mother’s present hospitalization is covered. Why didn’t she know? She’s been in the exact same hospital for each visit. Shouldn’t she know the rules? (But of course she doesn’t know the dates of the NH visits, which figure in prominently. Should I call Medicare? Is my mother covered?</p>
<p>I would visit her at the hospital too, then back off when she returned to the AL. I think any person in the hospital should have someone keeping an eye on things. When my mother broke her hip, I was needed to feed her her meals. No one was available to feed her, and she couldn’t feed herself. </p>
<p>I can understand why you wouldn’t want to visit your mother in the hospital, Dharma, after all that has happened. But as CTmom says, if an elder is hospitalized, it’s a good idea for a family member to check in and make sure that the person is getting taken care of. Though it sounds like she is.</p>
<p>I’m confused about why the wound now requires hospital care, when it didn’t before the fall. Did the fall exacerbate the wound? Someone doesn’t fall and five minutes later have an infection, so the scenario/diagnosis is not clear to me. </p>
<p>edited, I’m not sure about the Medicare coverage. I began looking it up online but every plan has different coverage so you need to be familiar with what her plan offers.</p>
<p>Agree. I believe the “back off” advice pertains to AL, not the hospital. IMO it would be unwise to leave her alone at the hospital for a week. Even if you don’t want to see her, you need to stay abreast of her condition by talking to the nurse.</p>
<p>Also – and Dharma, please pay attention to this, because it’s important – you need to be talking to the hospital case manager (or discharge planner) every day. Yes, you heard right. Every day. Beginning today. This is how you prevent discharge disasters. I’m a veteran of discharge disasters, so I hope you’ll learn from my mistakes about how important this is.</p>
<p>Absolutely agree with LasMa. For what you quoted from me, the full wording included:
“We meant not having a routine of going there daily or staying long, unless there is a specific need.
Hospital counts as a need, for many right reasons.”</p>
<p>Conventional wisdom is you go.<br>
But mark our words: keep it simple- making notes about what they tell you, only providing info that is strictly relevant (not all back-story is necessary, at all.) </p>
<p>Nothing says you spend more than 5 minutes with your mother, if that. And I’m not sure what you hope to accomplish by calling her today. Keep that short, too. One minute can do it. Do not respond to her complaints or antagonism, have two nice things to say and that’s it.</p>