<p>Dharmawheel, it’s always very disorienting for an elderly person to be moved. It may take her a while, but she’ll come around.</p>
<p>The last year my dad and stepmother went to Florida for the winter months, it took my stepmother a few weeks until she stopped hallucinating. And the paranoia is not an uncommon symptom. Of course that doesn’t make it any easier to watch.</p>
<p>You aren’t taking her into your house. She doesn’t have the power to make you. So just try to relax. It’s extremely stressful, unpleasant, earth-shattering, but they will take care of her the best they can. So have a glass of wine if you indulge, and try to relax.</p>
<p>Dharma, do you have to have this meeting with the AL tomorrow? I agree with jym that it would be better to cancel the meeting, stop visiting, and stop calling and emailing the AL for a few days to let everything settle, if that is possible. </p>
<p>OTOH, the meeting tomorrow could be to relay to you the already-made decision that the AL has decided your mother will need another placement. I hope that’s not what is going on.</p>
<p>After one posts a comment. there is a roughly 15 minute window to re-read and edit, ie, correct errors and clarify the message. </p>
<p>I also agree not to overload on the AL folks, whether they are staff or management. </p>
<p>I don’t necessarily think the meeting is to be harsh or final. Frankly, I can’t even follow who called it. (Maybe it’s Dharma’s request to talk abut her mom running out of money-?) </p>
<p>If the goal is successful and long term placement, give them space to do what they have expertise in. </p>
<p>You don’t want Mom at your house, right? Be wise. </p>
<p>Yes, here is the quote: You all know my sister and BIL have long ignored my help to contribute financially (certainly many of you will consider my asking more than once or even twice for money as incredibly foolish), should there be a gap between the months my mother and I and my husband can pay, and when my mother has the cash from the house sale. II believe it was Friday (I’ve lost all track of time) I hand-delivered to the receptionist to give to the Director, explaining the problem, and requesting an interview to discuss the matter. We are scheduled to meet at 3 on Tuesday. That’s in the 8th para of post 999.</p>
<p>Seems soon to ring this alarm. She just got there and you want to talk about money issues?</p>
<p>As jym said, *Do not overwhelm the staff with questions, emails, calls, meetings or whatever. * Let her get settled, let them do their jobs.</p>
<p>Please note, Dharma, this is another instance where we are recommending based our own experiences and perspectives.</p>
<p>Why alarm AL now about some money issue your mom may or may not have, further down the road? You can deal with that in a month or two. Let them get to know and like your mother first.</p>
<p>Call early and make an excuse to postpone the meeting. DONT go into detail. Just say something like that the initial concerns re: financing are resolved after a conversation with your sis/BIL and you will recontact them if you are in need of a meeting down the road. </p>
<p>^ ^ Agree with the above. Defer the meeting. </p>
<p>You have done your part: getting Mom into the AL. Now it’s up to her to make the adjustment, and she may make it better without you to grab / cry out to / make demands of / complain to. So back off a bit and let the professionals help her learn how to manage in her new environment.</p>
<p>I’m quoting this so you will see it a third time, or fourth, or fifth.</p>
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<p>Dharma, please, as LF said, we are speaking from experience. You do not want to make life difficult for the people who are caring for your mom. Just back away for a few days.</p>
<p>You’re panicking needlessly. It is TYPICAL that the parents have a hard time adjusting, especially for the first week. This is NOT something unheard of, or even unusual. The people there are trained to help the residents settle in. Please get out of their way, and let them do their jobs. </p>
<p>And no need to worry about money just this very second. Your mother is not going to run out of money tomorrow. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Follow jym’s excellent advice and call to cancel the meeting. Don’t go into detail, just say you’ve resolved the issues about financing and no longer need to discuss it. </p>
<p>You have convinced me. I would never have thought about this myself The letter I wrote scheduling a meeting was entirely about how my mother and my husband and I could not pay for rent beyond four months. It said nothing about my mother’s health needs.Now, following my BIL’s response, offering money after my angry email, the money question is moot. I am immediately going to write a SHORT easy going typed letter and hand-deliver it to the receptionist to give to the Director? Why hand-deliver it? Because she never listens to her voice mail until 7 pm and it is IMPOSSIBLE to find her in the building, and if you do, she will not let you finish a sentence. I will first write her an email cancelling the mtg which I hope she reads when she arrives, then type the letter and bring it down, simply say it is a “follow up in case she didn’t get to her email, with the envelope marked read before 2:30 pm” Thanks for the GREAT advice. </p>
<p>Yes! Exactly! I just came back to the board to say I realized how unnecessary a trip was. I just left a message with the receptionist to give the Director the message I was cancelling the 3 pm meeting and to tell the Director that I just sent her an email explaining why. Here is the email:</p>
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<p>jym626, does that sound okay - brief and to the point?</p>
<p>Dharma - too much info! Perhaps before you actually send an email you post it here to ask if it’s okay. There really wasn’t a need to add the part about the 100k. </p>
<p>Eeeeeew. Good point. But the Director is so rattle-brained busy, I doubt that she will focus on it. I focus on it because it is such a relief to me that our mother’s rent can be paid. But please, no more corrections today. I have made enough blunders in the past few days, I can’t take it anymore. </p>
<p>You’re overdoing some things that call for simplicity. You want them to see you as an effective family member to deal with, not chicken little. The sky is not falling and each new hiccup doesn’t portend doom. This is life. Do not be the weak link in this chain.</p>
<p>Call, as jym said. Make the call short and to the one point. Put a smile in your voice and speak reasonably: I had a meeting set for 3pm and need to cancel.<br>
I have taken care of the issue. It was my misunderstanding.
Please tell her “thank you.”</p>
<p>That tells them enough to see the issue is abated.</p>
<p>Do not add side details, who said what, what your mother did, your stresses.<br>
Nothing about hearing aids, health, visiting nurses. Save that.</p>
<p>If the receptionist starts to chat, head it off. “It’s been a tough week, we appreciate everyone’s efforts. It is a lovely place. Thank you.”</p>
<p>Agree. Too much information. There have been several examples above of what to write. Simply that the concern that prompted your request for the meeting is resolved. The rest is not her business or concern. Leave all that out. </p>
<p>CF, no no, I don’t think so at all, despite my mother’s first-week mishaps. The letter I wrote–I initiated the meeting, NOT the facility-- did NOT AT ALL discuss my mother’s health issues. It only said that we contracted to move in when we had the house as good as sold (ha) and that now we might be facing a rent gap, and I wanted to address that.</p>
<p>The Director of Aides who met with me told me yesterday morning they have seen many, many like my mother before, that as someone pointed out above, the first two weeks are a particularly stressful time. I have been given NO indication that they intend to dismiss her. Luckily, your advice this morning, caused me to avoid putting the matter in front of the Director . Let my mother blend in. The Director of Aides gave me no indication that there was any cause for concern regarding my mother’s health. </p>
<p>These people aren’t here to be our friends, confidants or support network. They have limits to what they can filter through, for you, on your behalf, so you don;t have to.</p>
<p>Fang’s Razor: Don’t assume the next guy is so rattle brained that we can do whatever we want with no consequences. </p>
<p>OMG, nothing like that! LF, you and others here have taught me how to head straight to the point. Mentioning the cash advance was a mistake, but I sent the email already, but its not the end of the world. </p>