<p>Agree that you should keep her close. You mentioned that she’d have to take the minibus to CVS, but in 6 months time she may not be able to walk around the store like she can now. Then you will be driving an hour to take toilet paper over to her. </p>
<p>You asked who could help you. There are senior placement specialists, and senior move managers. </p>
<p>ETA – 35 pages is cuckoo crazy. That alone would make me say “Next!”</p>
<p>Regarding the “gorgeous” place – when we were touring the AL which we ended up choosing, my brother said to the director, “This is beautiful.” Her answer was perfect: “Thank you, we like to think we provide an attractive environment for our residents. But anyone can hire a decorator. What sets us apart is the care we provide.” (And she was right.)</p>
<p>Don’t get overly dazzled by a fabulous decorating job. The care is what counts.</p>
<p>
Sounds like he and your mom will get along just fine…</p>
<p>Jym626’ your remark made me laugh so hard.You absolutely Made my day.</p>
<p>LasMa “You asked who could help you. There are senior placement specialists, and senior move managers.”</p>
<p>Yes, I know this is WHINING and old and boring. ButNo one ever told me these services were available - I only has the SW say "We recommend AL without any follow through persuasion techniques I see now how wrong it was that I was so compliant with everyone who wanted to get rid of us in a hurry… But that is all in the past now, no use quibbling. But it is a throw-away point anyway because at the time my mother demanded a live-in caregiver. By now, I have learned how to stand up for myself because of the help and advice I found here.If it werent for this thread,my sick mother would be home now and not in a skilled nursing facility.</p>
<p>preironic, I am VERY impressed at your searching back through my posts; You seem like an interesting person and you must be in a very interesting profession. I am fascinated at how you simultaneously want to wring my neck and yet continue reading the posts of someone who has multiple times proved herself to be a scatter-brain. You have my respect and thanks.</p>
<p>I am not good with figures and money, especially future projections and anticipating possible unknowns. . Earlier (your earlier quotations) I was eager to move my mother quickly to an AL but I got really frightened by the $15,000 upfront, 10 of which is held, and another $5,000 due in four weeks, over and over. I reversed myself (the realtor’s advice made a big impression on me too) and thought it was safer to stick with caregiver/home equity if necessary, and wait for the BIG money from the house sale.</p>
<p>Yes,LasMa, we have been over the attractiveness/quality of care grounds. Adele has had two nursing assessments and both nurses commented on the depth and details of my questions. Both determined that my mother needed no extra-cost level of care. Despite her frailty, she can do everything for herself. I make sure to insist she gets full help and attention while showering. And She needs to sit down to rest a lot. To be sure, I will assess the "attractive"place with the same intensity, be it temporary or not.</p>
<p>I was so excited to find it because my search for ALs in my county turned up dismal shared rooms which my mother would never agree to. </p>
<p>I am uneasy now because the septic will be inspected tomorrow. I called my mothers septic co and she said the tank is steel which inspectors usually recommend these days be replaced by a ceramic one. $3,800. I have to schedule the oil tank inspection;fingers crossed there are no problems. The inspection alone costs$400.</p>
<p>Oldmom, would the aides the NH can recommend be overnight, every day? Barbara went home to Brooklyn. I will do most of the 35 pages now and take it to the NH for my mother to provide the infoI dont know tomorrow.</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, there are home health care agencies that provide live-in aides. They are employees of the agency, not the patient or family. I will PM you the contact person at the agency we used. Most of the live-in aides my stepmother had in their home on Long Island lived in the Bronx, Brooklyn or Queens.</p>
<p>Dharma, yes, the last episode is in the past, when Mom was demanding a live-in caregiver. But the problem has returned – how to find a good AL that is affordable, available, reputable, and local (because I think you will seriously regret letting her move an hour away)? All I’m saying is why not enlist the help of someone who knows the landscape better than you possibly can, no matter how much research you do?</p>
<p>You could start by googling “senior move manager.” This person will assist with all of the myriad logistics of moving. And if he/she isn’t also a placement specialist him/herself, will probably be able to point you to one.</p>
<p>Great advice, LasMa, thanks!</p>
<p>Another source for help is members of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers. Many of these are MSWs with a specialty in geriatrics, including placement. From their website, you can search for local members and screen them. The process can be streamlined if you are very clear about your parameters and criteria for her AL facility. </p>
<p>Hope the form filling out is going okay. You want to keep this moving forward. Also, rehab place aftercare planner may be familiar with local options. That said, it would be easy to turn in circles and duplicate steps at this point. Your primary goal is workable placement ASAP, so stay the course. </p>
<p>Also, think flexibly and know that it might work out that a “temporary” placement becoming permanent is best for your mother. Try not to get ahead of things with her, promising a move, etc. Keep it light and easy (“this is where you are best served now”) and let things unfold. </p>
<p>All the best! </p>
<p>Yes, such good advice from LasMa and now from travel nut. So much we need to know in life that we are not prepared for. Our local library has so many good programs for adults, and a great one would be something styled “How to be an Elder Care Giver” or something like that.</p>
<p>I am 99% finished with the forms - went to the nursing home to all-at-once visit, bring clothes and toiletries, and fill in some blanks from cards I knew she had in her wallet (Insurance ID numbers etc.) Poor thing spent the entire time asleep/dozing in her wheelchair. During the two nursing assessments she’s had she rose to the occasion and gave her best and was assessed at zero level of extra care. But on her own she is weak and falls asleep. Unclear what the future holds. </p>
<p>She will have the pacemaker installed on Mon, go home at noon on Tues. Her cardiologist called me at 8:30 am and very kindly went over the positives and risks of the procedure and explained why he was recommending the pacemaker for my mother. </p>
<p>The questions on this 35 page doc from the place she likes with special attention/ambiance (but I was a tiger with the medical care questions; I had a dozen questions) actually asks questions like what’s your favorite fragrance? flower? color? magazine? Pages of nonsense. The director told me to sign my name and /POA. I wrote “many” for most of the answers and worked as quickly as possible. Will mail it Monday.</p>
<p>Today, the septic tank failed the inspection as I expected. On Wed, the plumber fixed the two quibbles and he even went back to the house on Thurs when I was in the house just to check his work. For the second time (he serviced her once before) he charged her nothing.When all the tests are done and we are far down the road, I will send him a special thank you card. We stood on the driveway and laughed, trying to figure out which tile the inspector said was “bent.” My realtor told me I have the prerogative of choosing which oil co to replace the tank. I will get my 30-year company to do it. The man who does the big estimates will be in the office tomorrow.</p>
<p>The plumber also warned me to expect the oil tank test to fail because the tank is 20 years old and the life expectancy is 20-30 years. The test will be 10/2. We may have to dig up the tank and put a new one in the basement. The home equity loan was approved. We may make the repairs ourselves or lower the price. I just hope the bidder is sensible enough not to walk away from the sale because the septic tank needs to be replaced. </p>
<p>I will try to move her ASAP but Barbara is coming back on Tues; each place requires forms, copies of stuff like living will, health care proxy, etc etc. two long pages the primary care physician has to fill out and everyone warns me they are slow about it/you have to prod them, a nurse comes to the house to do a nursing assessment when her schedule allows. There is no way I can move her into AL on Tuesday after the pacemaker, there is just no time because of all the requirements. </p>
<p>There is a very long, interesting article in today’s NY Times called “Enduring Life’s Final Days.” It focuses on one daughter’s struggles against nursing homes to get her 92 year old father home where he longs to die with dignity. It focuses of the financial benefits the NHs get, andy has many interesting angles. Put that title into the search bar.; It is a very long multi-faceted article. Copy this to the elder care giver forum if you wish. xxx</p>
<p>The title you gave yielded no results, but I think you meant this article
<a href=“Fighting to Honor a Father’s Last Wish: To Die at Home - The New York Times”>Fighting to Honor a Father’s Last Wish: To Die at Home - The New York Times;
<p>You are correct Cardinal Fang; thank you for providing the correct link and correcting my mistake. What I quoted was the title on the actual front page of the hard-copy newspaper.</p>
<p>Update on testings. The septic failed the test, as the woman at the septic company predicted because it was made of steel and was original to the house, built in the 1950s. We have been customers of the septic co since we moved to our village in 1985. I talked to the top man about my mother’s situation and he agreed to take 1/3 of the cost of the new septic installation, and 2/3 right after closing. I thought this was a very generous offer. The total cost is $4,250. In the meantime, the “bidder’s” realtor said the bidder offered to lower the price by $15,000 and fix the septic himself. My realtor pointed out to his realtor that we can get it fixed for $4,250 and would not accept his offer. She is waiting to hear back from him. What a sneaky deal, to offer $15,000 less for a $4,250 repair by the best septic company in the region?</p>
<p>The other problem is the buried oil tank; it will be tested on Thursday. I have a call into my oil company since 1985 to ask if they will accept a payment plan if there is a problem, the worst-case scenario being contaminated soil which can cost, entire project, $30,000. It would probably have been wiser to hold off on calling the oil company until the test is performed on Thursday, but I am anxious to see what they have to say. Left a voice mail message. </p>
<p>If your situation is like ours was, the oil company is only an oil delivery company. They don’t handle the tank removal or replacement. All they do is drain the tank so it can be moved, and refill the new one. Hopefully your mom had oil tank insurance. That was a lifesaver of us. But we had to use a company that the insurance company recommended/worked with.</p>
<p>You don’t need to tell the buyers anything about the cost of your replacement of the septic tank. Just say no, you will handle it, and decline their offer to reduce the price. Your costs are none of their business. And to be fair, they probably didnt price it out- they just offered to cut the cost and do it themselves (which they probably wouldnt, at least not right away). I don’t find it in the least bit sneaky. Its just part of the buying/selling negotiation. If you were the buyer you’d try to get your costs down too. Perfectly reasonable.</p>
<p>Since your buyer has offered - my advice, based on buying/selling several homes older than your Mom’s: If possible I would discount the price to a comfortable price for both parties and put the burden on the buyer for actually making the repairs. This is assuming they are willing to take responsibility for all the major repairs: septic, oil tank, etc. You can’t predict all the unexpected expenses involved and it will take so much of your time to arrange it all, potentially delaying closing, etc.</p>
<p>JMHO - and what we did with our last house sale.</p>
<p>Thats a great idea, but in NY if the oil tank fails that will probably have to be dealt with before a mortgage co will underwrite</p>
<p>I too wonder if you shouldn’t “split the baby” and take a $7500 reduction and get this contract DONE. There is a lot of piece of mind in DONE.</p>
<p>jym: yes. It may be inevitable. But imho the longer you mess around looking for problems in an older home, the more you will find. And no one can predict (as far as I know) how long it takes various contractors to actually get work done. * As you pointed out, frequently buyers are happy to move in and live in the same circumstances the sellers were living in.</p>
<p>*I am beginning year five of a renovation/restoration project that was supposed to take six months to a year. So probably over-reacting here.</p>
<p>When we replaced our boiler, oil tank and water heater last year, our oil company removed the old tank.</p>
<p>CTmom, did you need to get soil tested before the tank removal? We may be faced with this for a family member in CT in the near future.</p>