<p>Some of you may recall that my D’s roommate’s mom died about a month ago. D is a freshman, and has one roommate in a double. Although they got along well at the beginning of the year, things started to fray late in the fall, and by Christmas they were in “roommate counseling” sessions with their RA. They drew up an agreement with the RA’s help about issues like space in the room, study time/noise, etc. Things were mostly civil, but not warm/fuzzy/best-friendish. Then roommate’s mom died, and that pushed all the conflicts and issues out of the way. Now some of the conflicts are back.</p>
<p>D told me at winter break she wasn’t planning to room with roommate again, and D has several other friends from the dorm and clubs on campus that she could room with (she is one of those make-a-new-friend-in-5-minutes people). But now roommate is feeling quite needy and expects D to room with her next year. Roommate had a crying spell a couple of nights ago (and D is very sympathetic to this, gave her hugs and cookies, which seemed to help). D does not want to dump her roommate (who she considers a good friend still, even though they are not the most compatible roommates).</p>
<p>One thing D & I talked about is that they have a mutual friend who they might try to get triple with (there are a few triples with a bedroom for two and a single off a common room, and if roommate took the single that would give some space to her without abandoning her completely - - I think roommate is agreeable to this idea). I suggested that D & the mutual friend ask their RA for advice. And maybe see if the RA could pull some strings to get them one of those rooms because of roommate’s situation. But I suspect this is a long shot…</p>
<p>Anyone been through this themselves, or had kids who went through something like it? Specifically the roommate who doesn’t have anyone else to room with, but your S or D isn’t really that keen on rooming with them again. And roommate in a fragile state, which complicates it. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>If either of the kids were in this situation, I would relieve them of the guilt and tell them to go ahead and room with someone new. Her roommate’s issues have nothing to do with your daughter and your daughter should not feel obligated to spend another year living with the girl. Give your D the OK to room with someone else. It’s important to remember that your daughter does not get a second chance to experience all that she can during this time in her life. It’s time for both of them to move on and go their separate ways.</p>
<p>Your daughter should feel free to room with someone new – or to join a sorority, move off-campus, try to get a single, or whatever else she wants to do for next year in terms of housing.</p>
<p>Yes, there are situations where roommates from one year make an effort to stay together the next year, but in my experience, this usually occurs only with roommates who are very compatible and comfortable with each other. That does not seem to be the case with your daughter and her current roommate.</p>
<p>My D’s rommate group was guilted into taking someone. It ended with a lot of drama and the young woman being asked to move on, which she did. Everyone was a lot happier.</p>
<p>So tell your D not to feel guilty and to move on with her life. And if she does decide to triple with this person, tell her that she is not allowed to whine about it to you when trouble occurs.</p>
<p>Yup, she should go ahead with a roommate she is more compatible with but she needs to tell current roomie now. The current roomie may end up finding someone more compatible via lottery or may end up in a single, who knows…
but it is time now for your DD to learn that she is not responsible for others or their happiness.</p>
<p>Couldn’t agree with the above posters more. As a student who went through the same situation last year–disagreeable roommate, but didn’t want to leave her with nowhere to live–take it from me: your daughter’s roommate’s happiness is not your daughter’s responsibility. While it is certainly gracious of your daughter to look out for her roommate, especially with her roommates recent loss, it is unlikely that the two of them will get along better next year if they don’t already get along perfectly now. </p>
<p>So what should she do? Turns out it was a little easier for me–I’m in a sorority, ex-roommate is not, so I chose to live here this year (my roommate problems occurred last year). From other experience, though, I’ve found that honesty is by far the best policy. Your daughter doesn’t need to be a jerk to current roommate, but she definitely should not be ambiguous. Avoiding the situation with something like “well, I haven’t figured out what I’m doing about housing next year yet…I’ll let you know…” is just going to make the problem worse.</p>
<p>I’d approach it something like this.
Roommate: “Hey D! So where are we living next year?”
Daughter: “Well, R, here’s the thing. I don’t think we should be roommates again next year. I mean, look at us. Remember [those fights we had this semester]? And I know you don’t like the way I [do this annoying thing]. I’m glad we’ve figured it out for now with RA’s help, but I just think we’re both going to have a better time if we branch out and try something new.”
Roommate: “WHAT? I thought we were rooming together. What am I going to do now? You can’t just strand me like this.”
Daughter: “Well, I’d be happy to help you find a new roommate. My friend [fill in the blank] is looking for someone to live with and I think you two would get along great. Let’s [do lunch tomorrow]. And we could always live in [the same building as each other] so we can still be friends.”
Roommate: “Who are YOU going to live with then, if you’re not living with me?”
Daughter: “Oh, probably [my friend from ultimate frisbee]. We’re still working out the details. I’m excited though! It should be really fun. I think it will work best for both of us.”
Roommate: <em>probably a little peeved and annoyed but starting to see how logical daugther is</em></p>
<p>At this point, if I were your D, I’d exit stage left and give roommate some time to digest. Bottom line: College is too short to live with someone you don’t get along with. She’s not responsible for roommate’s well-being. It’s not selfish, it’s smart–if she’s in a crappy living situation, chances are she won’t be as successful as she is capable. Moving out of a challenging living situation has done wonders for my stress level–it’s amazing that a roommate has such a huge impact on my life.</p>
<p>College is too short. It’s not your DD’s responsibility to make her roommate happy. Doesn’t sound like they were ever good friends (roommate counseling?) and your DD needs to move on in the nicest way possible.</p>
<p>My first roomie was a good person but kept a cat with 2 kittens in our tiny room. I loved cats at that point, but it wasn’t working for me in a dorm. I found a new roommate for second quarter and I did feel guilty, but it was so great to be living with someone else. I admire your daughter’s compassion, but she also needs to learn how to recognize her own needs.</p>
<p>Well, we had all those conversations over break (and even right after roommate’s mom died). But roommate is pretty fragile right now, and has some depression issues on top of losing her mom. I have recommended to D that they not room together next year, but it is D’s choice in the end. I told D she can’t whine if there are issues…</p>
<p>This is one of those lessons that life teaches you. If she does decide to room with current roommate and it is a disaster, then maybe it will save her by giving her the OK to drop a future fragile boyfriend, rather than marry him.</p>
<p>I like kristin’s dialogue. You might even add (if it’s true): “I think it would be great if we could be on the same floor/same dorm–that way we could still hang out together without the stresses of rooming together.”</p>
<p>I’d be worried that the roommate might not even return next year- and then your daughter will be assigned an unknown roommate. I’d tell my D to do what is best for her. College is perhaps the last time that you can put your own needs first. Wishing both girls the best!</p>
<p>I asked an upperclassman a similar question last summer at my DS’s freshman orientation. He’s attending a fairly small school and I was curious if there were any hurt feelings when roommates decided they wanted to live with someone else the next year. She assured me that it happens all the time, and usually the “dumpee” is fine (and might even have had similar thoughts about changing roommates).</p>
<p>All I’d recommend as something more of a life lesson (along with being kind during the conversation) is to do it as quickly as possible. (One of my mantras is “move toward anxiety.”) That’ll allow roommate time to work on finding someone else to request for next year.</p>