<p>So a bit of a rant / advice seeking thread here. My niece ( sister’s daughter ) has just completed her first semester of a college that was the only one she ever visited. she had her mind made up before she even applied that this was the only school for her. Unfortunately , while going thru her junior and senior yrs of HS , my sister was not the mother she had been for the first 16 yrs of her daughter’s life. She went thru a divorce and became a 48 yr old teenager, complete with an immature bf .
Sadly , niece went from #1 priority to set on auto-pilot and kind of forced into growing up a little too early. This has been a family issue for the last 2+ yrs.
As we all knew, niece hated her school ( out of state, remote , snow non-stop , suitcase school )
Now she is thinking about transferring or possibly attending community college for a year. Nothing wrong with either option EXCEPT…she wants to transfer to a school ( not any one in particular ) out in Ca , because her high school bf is out there…
She has put er bf up to calling her mother to help convince her that this would be the best thing.
My feeling is this , my sister didn’t offer enough guidance the first time up to bat , such as insisting that her daughter visit and apply to multiple schools and exercise all of her options.
Now that she is regretting her choice , I feel that as her mother , she has an obligation to see things thru and weigh the pros and cons of the potential new school…also there is no reason to consider community colleges 3000 miles from home. She should physically visit alternate schools , ask questions, check her comfort level, etc…all things parents do with their college bound kids
Her high school sweetheart is a very nice boy , but I don’t think they will stay together forever ( kind of surprised there wasn’t a turkey drop ) and I don’t think that should be a consideration about her own education.
I am wondering if I should have a talk with my niece since she has had to lean on me as well as my other sister from time to time in her own mother’s indifference…</p>
<p>I should also add that my sister doesn’t pay a dime towards the cost of college , but our mother DOES and will not support a move without it being better planned than being closer to bf</p>
<p>You can wish all you want that the mother were different, and should do the things you state are her obligations. That is not going to make it happen. I truly think you need to ASSUME mother will continue to be uninvolved, and all the nagging/cajoling/arguing/wishing is not going to change the mother. With that assumption, what is the next best thing you or you niece can do to make the future brighter for her?</p>
<p>You should talk to your niece. BUT, you are not her mom, so there is a limit to how much you can do. My own niece also has a mom who hasn’t been the most helpful (the woman is actually quite wacko). Niece ended up turning down acceptances to top 10 universities and a top 10 LAC in the US, and after a gap year is going to University of Tasmania next semester :eek: I spent a fair amount of time as a sounding board and informal advisor for niece, and am pretty dismayed at her outcome. But bottom line is that I am not her parent… wish I was.</p>
<p>I am not sure if you can do anything at all. Granny is paying, mom is a legal gardian, your role in whole situation is unclear, they might just cut you off if you try. I would not do anything, looks like it might create another friction and would not help at all. I would stay away as it would seem none of my business. </p>
<p>On another note, nobody that I am aware of ever insisted on anything in college application. If they did, they probably got into fight. You got to let them make decisions in thier lives and learn from thier mistakes, they will hate you if you start insisting too much using leverage (finances,…etc.). You can suggest and let them decide. But I am talking about parents or paying party. If you are none of them, then you are out, sorry. However, this is only my opinion, as you asked for our opinions, yours might be different.</p>
<p>I am truly on the fence about this. I do know that my mother will not support this idea financially. They assume that the wallet is open unconditionally , which it is not.I have been in contact with my sister and she agrees that someone else should talk to her…maybe my daughter. She is pretty stubborn , but does look up to her and always has</p>
<p>Is the relationship such that you could offer your niece a sounding board? Could you write/call/email your niece without causing a family conflict? And then help her evaluate the pros and cons of each option and do it without making your opinion clear, but rather help her see the options so she has the tools to make a better choice herself??</p>
<p>"she agrees that someone else should talk to her…maybe my daughter. She is pretty stubborn , but does look up to her and always has "</p>
<p>-Well, this sounds like a better option as long as your D. is very careful and cautious how she approach conversation. Sometime, if you ask questions instead of thowing suggestions, it might lead them to correct decision, then it will appear that they own it. At least my D. told me that it was part of her training in how to talk to people in crisis / stressful condition., make them feel that they own their decision, that it is not somebody elses.</p>
<p>Something you should remember…Do your bit and then abide by her decision. Grandma should also make up her mind as to whether she will continue to fund college. If CC in CA is the plan, your niece should go out to CA and work for a year so that she will be a CA resident and get the reasonable CA resident rates.</p>
<p>Do you have a way to chat online with your niece? I often just casually brought up her college search during other conversations online, then angled to give a bit of advice as part of the conversation.</p>
<p>" Then let your mother be the one to say no "</p>
<p>My mother WILL be the one to say that , but I was hoping to stop it before it becomes an issue.</p>
<p>Mother has paid the bulk of my two girl’s college tuition…one all the way , the other still has quite some time to go. I don’t want there to be resentment or animosity , but my kids were and are very focused , committed to their educations and have proven it to Nana many times over.
And they have never taken anything for granted , like Nana’s pockets being very deep</p>
<p>Maybe Grandma can talk to your niece and say something along the lines of “If you want to transfer and you want me to keep paying, I want you to find at least 3-4 good options, visit them, and then come up with a plan telling me why these are good options and why one is your favorite.” Then the two of them can choose together which one they think your niece should go to. And if your niece really really does want to live near her bf, she can choose a school with some other merits so she won’t be at a loss if/when her and bf break up.</p>