Goodness, we are talking about $10,000 !!! In our house, that would have meant a dinner out with awesome Aunt and Uncle, verbal and written thank yous, probably a big ol batch of D19s awesome chocolate chip cookies, and DAunt and U moving up the favorite Aunt/Uncle rankings (my many sibs and I joke with the kids…like “whose your favorite now”? 
All in good fun and for silly things like a shopping trip, holding open the door, treats… not 10,000 DOLLARS!!!).
But that being said, I would give your neice one more learning opportunity. Have lunch with her and after lunch explain to her what needs to be done to possibly maintain the scholarship. I would also explain to her it is also important for her to do this because you and your husband supported her for the scholarship. Hopefully she gets it and it will be a valuable lesson. I imagine it will serve her well moving forward as an adult. If not… well, who knows. And if your company’s scholarship committee is ever looking for other great candidates for scholarships, and they like chocolate chip cookies, my D19 is ready ?
I facilitated (jumping through hoops) scholarships for eight seniors. Only one thought of sending an email note to say thank you.
Another student who’d won a scholarship told me, amazed, that he’d been told he was supposed to write a thank you note for his ‘named’ scholarship - he’s polite and well-mannered but it’d not occurred to him the ‘name’ was a person or that the person cared about the scholarship recipient.
Teens can be clueless.
I also remember the time I thought I was invited to a wedding, not understanding “RSVP” is a verb.
You just don’t know what you don’t know. If you’re told in plain language, without a hint of “you’re rude and stupid”, you can learn.
I’ve decided to inform this year’s kids that they are expected to thank everyone who helps them with their recommendations, scholarships, etc.
So, tell your niece that everybody who facilitated the scholarship was expecting a thank you note - the committee, in particular, which has informed you that they haven’t received the niece’s thank you note as she’s the only one who didn’t send one, and, as the main facilitator, who were both embarassed and hurt.
See what happens next.
I don’t understand why, given the choice between vindictiveness and kindness, a person would choose to be vindictive. But if you’re going to be vindictive you should own it, not do it in a passive aggressive way. Instead of hiding the requirements for renewal of the scholarship why not just tell her you refuse to endorse the renewal? Why hide behind the committee?
I don’t believe this event is occurring in a vacuum. You seem not to like your in-laws very much, and your anger is disproportionate to the slight. Unless you own the company you didn’t give her $10,000. Your company did. And why does the amount matter? Are you better than the person who can only recommend a $100 scholarship?
Keeping a mental tally of how often you give is tacky. Expecting thanks in proportion to the amount you give is worse. She’s family. You have the opportunity to teach her a skill that will smooth her path in life, and in return you can learn compassion and kindness. I hope you don’t waste it.
I think it’s the job of senior family members to do what they can to improve the condition of the next generation. It costs you nothing to pick up the phone and let your niece know, in a kind way, that the company would appreciate a thank you note. Your refusal to do her that kindness and the desire to do something to materially harm her financial future doesn’t say good things about you. Frankly, I find it appalling. There is never a good reason for hurting another person on purpose. I hope you reconsider.
When I look back on myself as a teen/college student, I was as clueless as OP’s niece when it came to formally expressing appreciation. If I was in the niece’s situation, I would really truly be grateful if he reached out to me and told me that a thank you note to the scholarship committee was expected and also a “by the way I wouldn’t mind a ty note either”.
Be sure to let her know during that same conversation that she can apply for the scholarship in future years, but that a ty note is required. Ask her if she’d like you to remind her when the process is open for the following year. Be her mentor, not her suddenly and mysteriously annoyed and distant uncle who had been helpful in the past. If she continues to be unnappreciative, then later you can reassess your relationship and the amount of effort you want to put into it.
I’d probably also let her parents know to write a note to the committee, although I wouldn’t tell them I’d appreciate a note as well. I think in the OP’s shoes, I’d view this more about the niece than the parents. Yes, your brother/sister being rude and clueless is annoying, but by this point in life that can’t possibly be a surprise. Let them continue on their way while you help their niece.
Please have all the information she needs to complete the request handy. Exactly to whom the thank you should be addressed, the address for mailing, etc. If you can make the request in person, bring what she will need (stamp, etc.) and have her do it during your visit, if not mail those supplies to her as a final reminder to get this done.
I know that seems over the top, but if she hasn’t been brought up to send thank yous in the mail, it is very unlikely she has those items with her and though she may be grateful, a busy young person can easily put it off (thinking they’ll do it when they have stamps, etc.) until it is never done.
Much of this “cluelessness” has to do with parenting. Settle down - that doesn’t make the parents bad people…
This issue has lived forever. There have always been kids that were more tuned in to etiquette. No one knows that coming out of the womb so it must be taught. Some parents do a great job at this while others ignore it.
I have to admit, we harp on that with our kids and used to get a lot of push back (in the form of laziness). Started with writing thank you cards for birthday presents. “I said thanks, why do I have to write a letter?” “Because you do, just do it. People really appreciate it. They were nice to you, don’t you want to be nice back to them?” Over time, they learned that they were viewed as a “good kid, so polite, sharp kid, etc…” Still have to check in to make sure they do it promptly but now it’s regarding having work interviews.
It’s easy not to. People who go the extra mile get the extra rewards (for doing so).
The funniest thank you note I received this year was from the mom of a 16 year old boy for a birthday gift we gave him at his party. I guess she realized he wouldn’t write them, so she did, and signed them “On behalf of Name of kid”. Unbelievable but true.
We’re a full pay family (zero financial aid) and if a family member got us a $10,000 award for my daughter’s first year of college, we’d have our daughter IMMEDIATELY drive to their house for boisterous in-person thank yous and hugs, and when it was convenient for them, I’d take their entire family to the nicest restaurant in town. $40,000?! I’d probably send the parents on a nice cruise! That’s serious money!
Your niece’s parents are total jerks. Not a chance I’d set them up for another free thirty grand.
If my nephews (age 12) fail to say thank you to me, or to their grandparents, for a small gift or act of kindness, I nudge them. Often right in front of their parents (my brother or former SIL). My brother’s older kids seemed to have gotten the ‘thank you’ gene (maybe from their mother?) but the younger two are clueless. They just don’t get it. So I help them along.
At my son’s college, all scholarship recipients were required to attend an afternoon “thank you” writing session. It was mandatory. They also had to bring their own stamps. Why did the college require this? Because they knew if it was left up to the kids, most of the donors would not receive any form of thanks.
One thing we did for outside scholarships like your niece received - I made my student send a Christmas card to the organization with an update as to how the fall semester went, letting the donor know he was doing well. Maybe an additional holiday card follow-up will smooth things over with the scholarship committee.
EDIT: OP - many teenagers have never set foot inside a Post Office, let alone addresses and stamped a letter. I’m not kidding. My son’s friend called him from the Post Office one day clueless on where to go and what to do! As for the other recipients sending a thank you, their relative at your company may have directed them to do so.
ITT we have many people willing to deny a family and young adult a chance at 30k because of what might seriously be just a misunderstanding.
I’m going to go ahead and spend the next hour sending messages to my undergrad mentors, grad colleagues, and endlessly patient and loving siblings-in-law who have helped me through every faux pas and moment of ignorance with love and patience. I hope I can do the same with my niblings who I love dearly.
My friend helped his nieces and nephews through colleges because his brother passed away when they were very young. When they graduated from college they each got a Rolex watch. You would think those kids would have remembered him on holidays and birthdays. Nada. His wife said to me there would have been a lot more if those kids were a lot more gracious.
After thinking about this, maybe the niece is better off without the additional scholarship. If the OP is going to hold this over her head for the rest of her life, she’s better off without it. The niece may be in for a future of “remember what we did for you” or “you need to show more appreciation because…” The OP seems more interested in getting something out of this rather than helping the niece. I once read about “malevolent control in a benevolent disguise” which may be the situation here.
I’ve been thinking about this since I posted 90 minutes ago, and even emailed the thread to a few friends, and I’ll actually excuse the teen gal, but I refuse to excuse her parents “misunderstanding” the need of a simple thank you. It’s scummy. I’m assuming there’s a some sort of schism between the two families, so the slight and lack of gratitude was deliberate. Do you all realize how long it takes the average middle income family to save $10,000? I read recently something like 2/3s of middle income families don’t have even $1,000 in their savings account. If family did this to me and my husband things would be getting very feisty after a couple glasses of wine at the next family gathering.
Certainly the young lady should have thanked the OP for the scholarship tip as well as anything else OP did to help make this scholarship possible. (I may have missed it, but I’m unclear on what else besides the mere tip the OP is responsible for).
If I had passed along a scholarship tip to my niece, I probably wouldn’t even notice if she thanked me. (I tend to be surprised when we get thank you notes generally, not something on my radar, not something I track.) I’d just be thrilled I was able to help and I’d certainly email a reminder to reapply.
As for whether she sent a thank you note to the corporate giving office, unless it’s absolutely certain that she hadn’t, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. I might add one line to the email about reminding to reapply such as “Also be sure to send Corporate Giving Office a thank you if you haven’t already.”
Just a thought, but in the big picture, she may be thinking the scholarship was something she earned as opposed to a gift.
This could very well be what the niece’s parents think. But what’s interesting is this line of thinking didn’t stop them from mooching the ten grand off OP’s employer and going out and leasing new wheels with the windfall, did it.
And presumably she did do something to earn the scholarship unless it was a pure raffle.
There are probably a lot of students in the Carolinas right now who could really use and appreciate such a scholarship. I hope it goes to a deserving student
You think the OP’s niece isn’t deserving because she didn’t say Thank You? Wow, that is just so misguided.
Neither of us know whether that woman is deserving. It appears she would have been able to attend college regardless of the scholarship. In any event, saying thank you is a vital life skill best learned early or it will limit one’s options.