My husband and I work at a company that gives out college scholarships to family and friends of employees. We heard there were very few applicants last cycle and basically anyone qualified who applied could win. So I shared this with my niece and her middle-income parents and step-by-step walked them through the easy process. Niece was given the $10,000 award, which essentially removed all of her parents’ expected contribution for her public university.
I’m not exaggerating, we have never received ANY sort of thank you from any of them. We have bitten our tongue thinking maybe it would come after move in. Nope. Nothing.
The scholarship can actually be renewed for $10,000 per years two, three and four but there are small requirements. Is it petty of us to not have any motivation to share that she could easily net an additional $30,000 for minimal effort? I have lost all motivation to help them anymore.
My instincts tell me we should but I feel like we’re being used, like they’re just mooching off us when we facilitated such a life changing sum of money for them. I’m looking at their entire family very differently lately.
Yes, it would be petty not to share the info. I presume you have a good relationship with this niece and her parents. S Did you not have any communication during or after getting this scholarship, or were you specifically looking for a formal Thanks. Not to minimize your involvement, but your niece has also ‘earned’ this merit scholarship.
@NCKris Who said it was a merit award? I never said that. The efforts to qualify were practically nonexistent, being related to us was biggest qualifier.
Thank you @twoinanddone for doing that for your niece. I think that it is a terrific thing you did to share that info that lead to the scholarship for her. I know I would be so thankful if I were her. I am not excusing them but maybe they are just busy, didn’t realize that a written thank you was so essential for you, the note is sitting on a desk somewhere, they are distracted, have problems IDK.
Perhaps talk to your niece. Ask her if the scholarship you lead her to helped her and her parents? If she says yes and thanks you profusely you will know that she just got sidetracked. Then tell her about the renewal for the next three years. You obviously love and care for her and don’t let her juvenile behavior keep her from saving an additional $30,000
It’s not her fault that she doesn’t know better. It’s her parents’ fault. Take her to lunch privately when she’s home at the holidays, and explain to her why it’s important to demonstrate our gratitude. Be loving and kind, and if she gives you attitude still, you know where things stand. I think it’s always worth giving a teen a chance to improve on their upbringing. They really might not know any better.
Isn’t one of your niece’s parents a sibling of either you or your husband? Assuming I’m not losing my mind, it seems odd that you didn’t reference them as such. In any case, while a thank gesture would certainly be appropriate and obviously appreciated, I can’t believe it had anything to do with your motivation in helping them. Some people are just clueless, or don’t share all the same views on such things as we do. Maybe they’re a tad embarrassed about the whole thing. The reasons don’t really matter that much - you did this to help them, not yourself. And I wouldn’t think twice about not sharing the additional information you have. That would be truly petty, and you’d have to live with yourself knowing that you acted childishly over an ultimately insignificant courtesy.
“essentially removed all of her parents’ expected contribution for her public university”
Is this your sibling’s child or your husband’s sibling’s child? IOW, who has the primary relationship with the parents here? Whoever it is, that one should talk with the sibling since it sounds like the primary beneficiary was the parents. One possible approach:
You/DH: Hey, sis/bro, I’m glad Niece was helped by that $10k our company awarded her.
Sis/Bro: Yeah, it’s been fantastic.
You/DH: Really? Because I was surprised when we didn’t get any feedback. No “thanks”, no follow up. Glad it worked for her, but we were just feeling a bit unappreciated.
It’s not polite for the parents and the niece not to have thanked you, but it’s also ungracious to stew over something that might be an honest mistake. Maybe a card was lost in the mail or maybe they felt when they thanked you profusely for the lead, they had covered it. Either way, before you stew any more or punish them by withholding $30k info you know they could benefit from, makes sense to try a conversation.
Maybe she thought it wasn’t a big deal to you either, as it took no effort. More like a job lead or a tip on a good deal on a car.
I agree a thank you is in order, but some people just don’t write thank you notes.
Will you really feel better if she doesn’t get the scholarship next year? Will you feel like you ‘showed her’? If you have another relative who could use the money and be more grateful, certainly use your efforts, however minimal, to aid that young student. If this niece is your sister’s child, call up the sister and say “You know, mom taught us better. A thank you would have been nice.” The sister might have thought the niece sent one, the niece might have thought her mother did.
It does not sound like you personally did a lot of work for this scholarship, and not a dollar actually came out of your pocket. So sure, she should have thanked you, but i really think you’re a bit over the top with this. As someone upthread said, be the bigger person and give the information for further years.
I’m always in favor of being direct: “Niece, I’m happy that you are starting out in college without having to worry about debt. I look forward to hearing all about your successes! However, I can’t help but feel disappointed that you didn’t call after you received the money from my company. I know you’re probably overwhelmed with the start of school, but I would have appreciated a thank you.”
Your niece and her family should at least call/email their gratitudes. Your niece is about 18 and should have known about this, and having this skill will benefit her future career. They might have thought that they “earned” this scholarship, but that is irrelevant here. They should have thanked you.
That being said, I would let them know of the scholarship renewal and offer help. Count this as a good Christmas presents for the next four years for her from you.
It would be false to conclude not a dollar of this award came out of our paychecks. It would also be false to conclude we didn’t lift a finger to make this happen for their family.
A thank you call, email, text or card is “over the top” after we got their family $10,000 they were struggling to come up with? Yeah, strongly disagree with you.
FWIW, we were privy to the family’s stress about coming up with their family contribution. My niece knew, it wasn’t a secret. This was a serious windfall for them. I can’t fathom showing no appreciation or acknowledgement for someone buying me or one of our children a $10 Panera Bread lunch, let alone a $10,000 check. For lack of a better word, it’s trashy and I’m honestly disgusted with them. I also know if the $10,000 was out of their checking account they probably wouldn’t have a new leased car in their garage. I should also say this isn’t the first time they’ve acted a bit uncouth, but the $10,000 would top any previous gestures by a large margin.
It’s awful to think but I do think I’d prefer to see the $30,000 scholarship rolling over and going to families who know how to show appreciation for such a life changing sum of money.
It’s also worth noting she/they are the only family not to write a thank you letter to the committee at work who doles out the awards (which isn’t mandatory, but something everyone else did). So it wasn’t just to us, it sort of involves my colleagues as well. As if the money just fell from the sky. Now I’m supposed to stoke thank yous out of an 18yo and two 48yos so they can get an extra $30,000. I shouldn’t feel this way about family but it just feels gross.
I am the kind of person who stews for days at my sisters when I do not get any acknowledgement from their kids. OTOH, 30k, college scholarship is life changing to this family, and you should feel good about helping them, especially when it does not require much effort. I also think your families have different expectations, and they may not even realize their faux pas. I would let it go. Who knows your niece may publicly acknowledge your generosity at her graduation or wedding
“It would be false to conclude not a dollar of this award came out of our paychecks.”
OK, that’s a little different than what you appear to describe in your OP. How much of this did your company pay vs. how much did you personally pay? (Either way the sibling and niece should thank you but the type and timing of thank you might vary depending on the $ split.)
