No Friends

College Life
1

Hi-- I know that the pinned post kind of covers this already, but I just wanted to vent about my own college experience

I’m a first year in college and I feel slightly out of place. I got to Oxford College of Emory University, where the student population is around 900, about 3x smaller than my high school. The school is extremely focused on the premed track (I don’t believe this statistic, but I heard that 80% of incoming first years marked premed on their app.) The rest of the school seems to be pre-business, and then there’s a small percentage of students who are neither. As a humanities person uninterested in both these tracks, I feel like my interests and choices are constantly being viewed as useless, whereas a lot of these students only choose their tracks because they want money. Everyone generally seems so uninspired.

Because the school is so small, very few courses are offered and students have to fight for their choice selections. I currently take 19 credits (the max for freshmen), but it only consists of 4 real courses and I feel like I’m not working hard at all. Many of the courses I want to take aren’t even available on the Oxford campus, and I will have to wait 1.5-2 semesters until I can get to Emory’s main campus to take the classes I want. Most of the clubs I am in are shoddy imitations of what existed in my high school, and while the school told me the clubs continue onto Emory’s main campus, in reality most don’t.

I came from a very liberal county that was 30% Asian, and luckily Oxford also seems to be pretty liberal, but I miss having a prominent Asian American community (the international Asian kid community here is huge, but I don’t fit in.)

I’m in a few clubs and have friends, but I am not close with any of them. One of my friends has a large friend group and yet trusted me enough to confide in me about a personal issue she hasn’t discussed with anyone else, but I am so bad at socializing that I can’t get the rest of her friend group to like me, especially when I don’t even like a lot of her friends, but I am so desperate for friends that I want to try. I don’t know how to insert myself into her group and it’s my own fault. People have told me that I come off as a hardcore goody-goody, and while I don’t drink, I do enjoy having fun and taking dumb risks. I also am totally unfamiliar with dating or hooking up, largely because I’m extremely picky and guarded, but also because I am generally not attractive to people. I don’t care that I don’t date, but that really doesn’t help when it comes to proving I’m not a goody-goody. I also dislike Snapchat because it distracts me so easily, but because I don’t use it I lose a lot of potential friendships. In high school, I was almost always the funny one who took risks and now I am perceived as boring.

I have most meals alone, which I am largely unbothered by, but the more time I spend without talking to anyone, the worst I get at socializing. I have taken risks with activities that I never would have tried in high school, but that has resulted mostly in being rejected from those clubs. I don’t regret trying out, but nothing has come of trying new things. The majority of my friends at other colleges have remarked that this is the “happiest they’ve ever been” and I feel so lost. I am ashamed that I am not having a good time.

I am not happy at my school, and I don’t think my school is necessarily all to blame. I don’t know how to improve my social skills. I know I have to try harder than I do but I have a lost of hope. Sometimes I kick myself for not trying to harder to force my way into friend groups but I just feel like such a nuisance when it’s clear that people don’t find me funny and aren’t interested in talking to me. I always do my best to actively listen to others and be there when they need me, but I think that by being nice, I am hiding my more fun sides. I don’t know how to improve my situation. Can anyone please help?

2

Well let’s start with the idea that college is supposed to be the time of your life is not realistic. So ignore that. Any project based activities you could be part of? Food coop? Sport club? What are you interested in? You only have Freshman year at Oxford?

3

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1808143-having-trouble-adjusting-to-college-making-friends-top-10-things-to-do.html

4

@loease
I thought the Oxford community is heavily Asian?? To be frank, they seem to stick together on main campus, hope that doesn’t offend you. What is your intended major? Also I agree the premeds are obnoxious, but one must remember that for several Oxford students, it wasn’t nearly their first choice school unfortunately, so keep that in mind when looking at morale.

5

It’s still early days. Be proud that you have at least a few friends and are in a few clubs. Friends don’t just happen in a few months. There are plenty of students who really don’t get into the swing of college life until they are in their second semester. The fact that you do at least have a few people to hang out with is very positive and means that you do have the social skills needed to meet people and maintain friendships.

Don’t try to “force” your way into friend groups. Forcing anything usually doesn’t work for most things. Just relax and let things happen. I think you are going to be ok.

6

I think 80% is probably an exaggeration, but it is true a lot of incoming Emory freshman are pre-med. That goes away after sophomore year, after many of them have attempted organic chemistry.

Not feeling overwhelmed is a blessing, not a bad thing. I think a lot of competitive high school students have that feeling that if they’re not slowly sinking they’re doing something wrong. It’s pretty common to take general eds in your first year, get more interesting stuff in sophomore and really junior and senior year, especially when you are at a small two-year college.

If you’re seeking a cultural connection, why not join or start a club related to that? It appears that Oxford has an Asian Cultural Club as well as other clubs related to Asian identity (Chinese Student Association, Indian Cultural Exchange, Korean American Student Association).

As a humanities student who wants to connect with others, consider also creating a club/organization that’s focused around humanistic thought and discussion. Oxford seems to have one, the Phi Gamma Literary Society. I bet you there’s room for one more. There’s also Alpha Epsilon Upsilon, which is an academic fraternal group it appears.

If you don’t like people, don’t try desperately to get to know them or socialize with them. Learn to be comfortable with and by yourself, and making friends paradoxically becomes easier. Don’t try to insert or force yourself into your friend’s group - you don’t have to be friends with everyone she’s friends with, although it is easier if you can at least tolerate them . But if you don’t like them, then go find some other people to socialize with that you DO like.

The only way to improve your social skills is to practice them and be introspective enough to notice what works and what doesn’t. What do people respond well to? What don’t they? Knowing and being confident in yourself actually is key, too, because that way you know what you are willing and not willing to do. For example, I don’t do Facebook - and my friends know I don’t do Facebook. They tease me about it, and I laugh along with them, but in all seriousness they know if they send or invite me to something on FB I won’t get it. You can do the same thing about Snapchat - don’t feel bad that you don’t use it. If it’s truly necessary to socializing on your campus then maybe learn the bare minimum, but if it’s something you’re actually against then simply don’t use it and keep it pushing. That’s a smaller example - a bigger example might be the goody-goody thing. Maybe you really are a goody-goody. So what? Find people who are going to accept you for who you are, rather than want you to be something different. (Unless you aren’t or don’t want to be, in which case you have to think about how you want to reshape yourself).

7

I went home over winter break and I know it is a mistake to compare myself to others, but the majority of my high school friends are having a good or great time in college and I have been depressed that I am not.

I have thought about it over break, about how despite leaving school for a month, I will likely return without having had any contact with anyone from my college and without anyone caring about my existence. However, I am going to push myself second semester to put myself out there even more, and if that doesn’t work, I will start the transfer apps.

I am going to get involved in the production of the Vagina Monologues, plan weekly meals off-campus with two of my club members, join the Philosophy Club that visits Atlanta every Friday, audition for the Chamber Orchestra, and speak to an art professor about independent projects. I will also try to get the phone number of at least one person in each class in order to ask questions and possibly eventually create a study group. I am also getting a new roommate, and can at least be assured that I can meet a couple of people through her. I currently work at the IT Hotspot, where we do literally nothing, so I am going to try to get a different job on campus that involves working with others. I will also apply to new club eboard openings and maybe even try “rushing” for a social club, even if I eventually don’t join. And while unrealistic, I aim to go to the gym at least twice a week and maybe I’ll meet someone there. I even want to get a Snapchat. If problems progress, I plan to speak to my RA, but since she is an extremely cold person, I will contact the counseling office if it doesn’t work out. And if after all that I am still desperately unhappy, I’ll do the transfer apps.

I also figure since no one likes me how I am now (trying to be nice but just ending up boring), I will start being more straightforward and upfront about my opinions. It will be extremely, extremely hard for me to strike up conversation with new people, but I hope that I can get better at it because it is an important life skill.

8

Wow! Good for you in developing a list of strategies to try for improving your situation! Good luck.

9

I think all of your ideas sound good. However, please don’t say no one likes you how you are. You don’t necessarily need to be a more direct person in order to have friends. I do agree though that it’s necessary to be able to make conversation with people. You don’t need to suddenly become someone you aren’t. There was a student here a while back who seemed to share your problems with meeting people. One day he asked another student where the bathrooms were, and they started talking. That kid became a good friend. A simple hello might be all it takes to get started.

If you do all the things you have suggested, you will surely find your people. By taking those steps, you are maximizing your chances to interact with others.

Another thought–you have friends from home. They obviously like you the way you are. There is nothing wrong with you. You need to have a bit of confidence that you can meet new people wherever you are. Just be you.