No idea why I feel this way!

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Okay, I feel bad posting this as I know it’s really unimportant in the light of many thing discussed on this site (LTS’ thread, among others), but I’m honestly confused.</p>

<p>I’m a college sophomore (19). Last year, I had a grad. student instructor (not TA) who I realy liked, and I kept in touch with her after the class ended. She’s older than me by 15 years, married (we’re both straight women, so there’s nothing romantic here), and probably a whole lot smarter than I could ever be. Over the months since we’ve been keeping in touch, our emails have gradually evolved to the point where we just talk about our lives–marriage, vacations (she’s even sent me pictures), work, school, and just general life–and have referred to each other as`“friend.”</p>

<p>The thing is, I’m never really sure she actually likes me. I mean, if her emails are any indication, she seems to, but I can’t figure out why I would have any right to know about her life (like, especially her marriage. Or vacations. Or efforts to change her personality), why she would find me interesting, or why I feel like she SHOULD write me even when I TOTALLY, COMPLETELY know she doesn;t by any stretch of the imagination. For example, in her last email, she wrote [minimally edited in an attempt to conceal her identity]:</p>

<p>"Thank you so much for your e-mails- they are so kind, fascinating, and well-written- truly! I am always happy to receive them. [I was gone for a week and have been working overtime, catching up on working all week] and have come home exhausted- this is why I haven’t written back yet- I apologize for the delay [of about 2.5 weeks]. I hope you always know that I will never not be interested in knowing you and talking with you- this is just a time in my life where even when I have free time I sometimes want to stare at the wall so as to debrief. So, please take that to heart- I had so much respect for you since meeting you, and that has not waned at all, but has rather grown exponentially, and I am honored that you would keep in touch with me- please take this sincerely, OK? You are actually the only person I knew while teaching, with whom I still keep in contact. : ) "</p>

<p>[continue with response telling me about her trip, commenting on my life, and wishing me well]</p>

<p>Does this mean “write me, but I won’t write you back because I don;'t have time” or “write me, and I’ll respond”? I honestly don’t know, and I don’t know why I feel both bad for my reply (Really? Is my life actually interesting? And isn’t she too busy to care anyway? What right do I have to impose on her life?) and feel a little hurt when she doesn’t respond right away (it’s been 4 days, which isn’t long at all, I know) even when I know she doesn’t have to by any means–it’s just that I love receiving emails from her because they are so interesting and kind.</p>

<p>Sorry for all the pointless personal junk, but I thought maybe someone with a different perspective could help me sort out the meaning behind her message.</p>

<p>Thanks.
:)</p>

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<p>Tobia_e, I have no idea how to interpret the email (I’m too clueless on such matters), but, I will say this much - I don’t want my condition to cause people to feel as if they cannot or should not post issues that are important to them. This forum is supposed to be about college, and all of the issues specific to the college experience. We have a thread about my illness only because the moderators are being gracious enough to allow it.</p>

<p>I really do sincerely hope that all community members start and participate in threads and write posts about ALL issues that are of concern to them, regardless of the weightiness (sp?) of other issues…</p>

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<p>I think the email means that she is happy to hear from you, but wants you to know that sometimes there will delays in her responses that you should not take personally. In other words, that you should not expect it to be like texting your BFF.</p>

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<p>LTS,
Thanks for responding (it’s nice to see I’m not the only clueless one out there ;)). It’s just that your struggles and your awesonme way of dealing with them put everything in perspective. As someone with a physical disability, your thread is a reminder of how I should strive to conduct myself when dealing with challenges and how I should not complain when looking at my lot in life, as I know there are far more difficult challenges to face. You truly are a wonderful inspiration :), though I wish you didn’t have to be, at this particular way.</p>

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<p>I agree that it’s not always easy to decide how to interpret an email. So, I’m thinking that maybe you will have to go on the “preponderance” of interpretations of whoever posts here, in the hopes that what most of us think is the proper interpretation.</p>

<p>My take: she genuinely likes you and wants to continue the friendship. She just wants you to know that she may not always respond immediately (and, interpolating here, neither should you feel immediate responses are necesary). I think the cyberworld has enabled us to develop friendships which might not have occurred (or even be possible) in real life. But we are more or less learning and creating the rules as we go along. She was wanting to let you know that lapses in time in responding to you do not mean she isn’t interested.</p>

<p>Remember (or maybe you don’t remember since you are 19, but those of us who are closer to 3x that age know) that IRL friendships have parallels. I have friends with whom I’ve never lost touch. We’ve kept in touch over many many years - but the frequency has varied dramatically. Some friends we only talk every couple or few years - but we take up immediately as if we’ve never left off. Others, when that amount of time lapses, take a while to feel earlier ease of conversation, maybe get over awkwardness, but they work and are valued friendships, too. Then, there are others where too much passage of time means we lose connection. But not the good feelings we once had for each other.</p>

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<p>I agree with Consolation. She is saying she enjoys hearing from you and wants to stay in touch, but that she will not always be able to respond quickly, due to her busy life.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the responses. I think one thing that’s confusing is that she sometimes responds very quickly to emails and other times doesn’t, so I’m never quite sure if she hasn’t responded because she doesn’t intend to or if she just hasn’t gotten around to it. Plus, the whole relationship is just kind of odd… awesome but odd. There’s a mixture between knowing that she’s a decade and a half older than me and used to be my professor and her general casual willingness to write me about her life, as though we were equals. (Many times, I’ve thought “should I really know THAT about YOU?”). It’s a privilege, but an odd one because I’m still not sure where I stand in this relationship–I’m so honored to be her friend, so I don’t want to do anything to make it break apart.</p>

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<p>To me, she sounds like a person who enjoys writing when she has the moment, and recognizes that you are a bright and caring person, able to relate to her thoughts. So when she has the time, you’re on her valued list as if a peer. That can surprise the younger half of an adult friendship sometimes. This may be your first adult friendship! So it’s testimony to your good qualities that she’d remember you after teaching you, and on occasion feel like “spilling” her thoughts and ideas. Be honored, write when you can, don’t worry about anything. Just be. But it’s often true that adults are more erratic in their friendship/spill/email behavior than students in your age bracket, who return short emails with blistering speed! </p>

<p>Consider her one among YOUR many friends, and just reply when you feel like it, but don’t expect any timetable of replies. It also doesn’t sound creepy or anything. </p>

<p>Every now and then I’d have a student who was an “old soul” which means accumulated wisdom beyond his/her years. Perhaps you are that kind of person; similarly the teacher might be that, too. Some adults are timeless and ageless in their approach to life, so have friends that span many decades, not all age-mates.
IMHO, it’s a great quality.</p>

<p>I also like to converse with people age 8 or 80, pretty much equally. If you are developing into the kind of adult that others can interact with across generations, that’s a good thing. It will enrich your life enormously. It’s not necessarily accountable to having a disability; some people just have that quality. THey are active listeners, non-judgmental, offer interesting insights in return. They attract friendships. How wonderful! Just make sure you can also have your concerns heard and your airtime considered important, too, when you need to spill. Then you have an equal relationship. </p>

<p>For now, she might be a mentor that is morphing into an adult friend, just older than you. As you get older, the percentage difference between those same l5 years gets less and less. It’s unusual for a 20 year old to call a 35-year-old “friend” but very common to see someone 50 “best friends” with a 65-year-old. </p>

<p>She’s actually treating you in an adult way, so maybe that takes you by surprise.</p>

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<p>I think it means “Write me, and I’ll respond when I have the time. I enjoy corresponding with you.”</p>

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<p>How quickly do you respond to her messages?</p>

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<p>ADad,
It depends on how much time <em>I</em> have–we’re always commenting on how busy the other one is (which, like, she’s doing internship and her dissertation… so there’s no comparsion, but she still thinks I’m busy…) and telling each other to take care of herself. Sometimes it’s a couple of days, other times a week or so. We both tend to write really long messages to each other, so that makes things take longer at times (though I once did send her an email solely to say “Happy match day!”).</p>

<p>p3t,
Thanks for your message. It was very interesting. :)</p>

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<p>I think you are over-analysing the situation. If you don’t wish to break apart the friendship, do not intimate that she is late in responding or keep enquiring if she received your email…you will appear clingy and a little demanding. Enjoy the friendship such as it is, and the emails in the frequency that they come. It is normal to be busy at times, less busy at others and even in the mood to write and not in the mood to write. Give your friend the space to communicate when she can and don’t let it be a reflection on the quality of your friendship.</p>

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<p>My take:
She is concerned about your feelings. She likes you.
She wishes to stay in touch. She sounds pleased to have made a connection with you, one of her students, just as you seem pleased with the friendship.
She may feel pressure about responding quickly to your emails, especially if you are very quick to always write back. I’d consider matching her tempo a little bit… if she takes two days to respond, then do the same.
I know with certain friends who write me long messages, that I feel compelled to write back something long… and sometimes I put it aside for when I have more time to do so… and then a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks go by, etc.
Write when you feel like it… since you met at school, this person is someone who you might be in contact with academically or professionally for a long time. That is your primary context for the friendship, even though you have become personal friends, and it will be fun and exciting to observe and encourage each other’s academic and professional growth. If you are in similar fields, you can be sources of inspiration for each other.
Make sure to develop friendships with other people, so that she is one of several with whom you correspond. That will help to keep your friendship with her balanced and growing.</p>