Is there a difference between ‘dip’ and ‘snuff’? DadofWG you made me lol. I guess saying no tobacco products would cover it…
Any special dispensation for tobacco heirs or heiresses?
Would any of you bend your “non-negotiable” rules for a mega trust fund? Do really deep pockets make a short guy tall enough?
I would not just walk but run away from trust fund offspring! Many/most believe that their money fixes all their negative behaviors and attitudes.
Most people want to be treated with respect and as an equal.
Sometimes people have in their mind what they are looking for, but think harder when someone comes along that is so good in so many of the things they are looking for. I have a friend who didn’t date guys that were divorced, but after having a date with one guy that would meet her criteria but was not a great fit, she did decide to date the divorced guy that was a good match - and now they are happily married and with kids. First wife left him for another man; actually later wanted to ‘be friends’ with him (and wiggle her way back in his life) - my GF made it clear he was happily married and shut her out. My friend was very smart in many ways - she was HS valedictorian, and after college worked in HR. So she saw plenty.
OK, how many of you are married to a person who has at least one characteristic that you thought would be a deal-breaker before you met him or her?
I am, for one (religious differences).
I broke one rule when I started dated the Mrs. I had sworn off college undergrads about age 24 after a couple of dating disasters. Two years later, W was a senior in the nursing program and I was taking a graduate course. One thing that helped was that my roommates and I hung out (strictly platonic) with a group of nurses and hospital workers all in their 30s and got a sense of how different nurses are. It took another six months for her to meet all the criteria.
“OK, how many of you are married to a person who has at least one characteristic that you thought would be a deal-breaker before you met him or her?”
My friends laugh because I would “never date an actor let alone marry one.” Yup. It happened. Needless to say, he was and is pretty darn cute.
Yes to the dealbreakers–my H was unemployed/in debt when we married. (Also, he had been an actor. . . lol) And he didn’t(doesn’t) know how to fix things around the house–like my dad.
One thing that I didn’t really consider when we married is that I wish H loved the outdoors/exercise as I do.
I know he really wishes I could sing and loved music as much as he does.
Well, you can’t have everything.
S is seriously interested in marriage–I think he should find out if the young lady has any debt or any health issues/family history of health issues. These wouldn’t necessarily be dealbreakers, but something that should be talked about.
One benefit to having a spouse/partner with a different personality than us and/or different interests (in @atomom’s example above, her love of the outdoors and exercise and her husband’s love of music and singing) is that our offspring get exposed to more ways of handling things, more exposure to and the potential for genetic talent in more diverse talents and interests. 
Post #130 had my list. He met every one. No deal breakers. In retrospect I would have put “no debt” on the list, but he had none, and I still had some grad school loans I was repaying, so I was the one with debt, not him.
DH and I both had student debt, but we each had about the same amount. He had a car payment, but it was for a subcompact stick shift which he needed to commute to work. We incurred lot of debt when he went to grad school, but we had been married three years at that point. I supported us while he was in school.
I should have paid more attention to the dysfunctional dynamics in his family. I was so impressed he survived it all and was relatively intact, but as life got more complicated (kids, work, my health), the scars from his upbringing have become significant issues in our life together, and are things he does not want to revisit or change. I have spent a lot of time in therapy trying to figure out how to live with this without damaging the rest of us.
How soon did you find out if and how much your BF/GF has the debt (after you had starting to date him/her)? In what context did you bring up this unromantic topic?
Both my wife and I did not have debt. My son has some debt. We do not know whether his GF has debt or not (do not want to be nosy parents who ask questions that we had better not ask, unless both of them choose to tell us someday.) Well…,even if his GF does not have the student loan debts, we think she would still owe the “parent tax” in the future if her parents paid all the education expenses in the past N years.
My parents had no idea how much student debt I had, much less what DH had. DH and never considered the loans as a reason not to get married. We both put ourselves through college, and loans were a fact of life. I didn’t have a problem with him taking out almost $50k for law school. I paid for our living expenses, so the loans could have been far worse. The job market has changed considerably since then, but we have no regrets, other than it was a long before we could buy our first place because of student loans (and child care). But loans were never, ever an issue, much less a dealbreaker. Can’t imagine marrying someone without talking about loans, budgeting, and approaches to handling money.
college education, being taller and smarter than me .
Thinking about this question for a few days and realizing that my deal-breaker hasn’t been mentioned yet. For me to really interested, a man has to have a deep manly voice. No whiny high pitched voices wanted! Yes, I know it’s shallow but for some reason it’s non-negotiable.
I didn’t have any hard & fast rules. Am glad that H didn’t bring net debt into our relationship, tho he did have mortgages it was net positive. i had no debt and considerable savings I brought to the marriage. We both had good jobs. H leans right (politically & with NRA), I lean left. He and I are different religions.
The things that help are that we both have similar views about money–live below our means. We also have similar views about family coming first–nuclear and then extended family. We both also highly value education.
I have had a hard time when I’ve been in a serious relationship with males who weigh less than me. The only time H has weighed less than me was when I was pregnant. I have dated some men who were lighter than me and it just made me feel enormous. I guess that’s my dealbreaker.
I read an article in which the author argues that most women like tall men because of a “selfish” reason: it makes a woman feel “slimmer” or even “more petite” when she is together with him.
When a society kept sending the signal to women (since they were little girls) that the beauty standard is that they should be slim, it is natural that finding a taller man as the partner, helps resolve her perceived body image problem (sometimes this is only a perceived problem, not a real one, because she is quite thin by all standards.) This makes her feel good about herself. There is also the old school “expectation” that the man should or is willing or able to “protect” his woman. Being with a lighter man won’t help. So there is a saying: a short man tends to have the Napoleon’s syndrome. It is the same thing that is at work.
But I do not understand this: How come the “flower men/boy” (men who look feminine, even more beautiful than many women) seem to be valued in some east asian countries in recent years. Or is it only valued in, say, the K-Drama, not in the real life?? I heard of a theory about this: Women there resent that the males dominate every part of life in their society. So women revolt and “retaliate” by liking the opposite of the men who were traditionally perceived as “good providers.”
(There is also a chance that a physically strong/bulky man has never been valued in the first place. They could be associated as characteristics shared by the “laborers who work under the sun” and running the risk of being perceived as “having no brain.”)
I asked D, and she says she is upfront from the beginning about having a non-verbal autistic brother. She watches carefully for the reaction. In many cases, this seems to be an immediate deal breaker.
She says that sometimes a potential partner has seemed impressed with the compassion that comes through when she describes her brother, and this is certainly attractive in other contexts to others who are looking for friendship only.
I am afraid that her heart will be broken one day by someone who dates her with this knowledge in hand, but breaks things off late in the game because they want to have biological children and cannot stomach the thought of possibly having an autistic child. Or (worse) that one day she will go ahead and have a child with a disability only to find out that her partner does not have the character to cope.
I think after a few dates, one can evaluate if the bf/gf is one that is capable of a deep and lasting relationship. Sometimes one can gauge this by the family and friends. Sometimes one can imagine how the person can progress through the normal life challenges and changes as one goes through life.
If one is truly willing and able to enter into a lifetime loving relationship/marriage taking on present and potential challenges that may develop. Character to cope is a good way to put it.
I had stage III cancer. Fortunately I am now cancer free, but what happens when a spouse becomes sick/disabled - decide that the marriage commitment can be broken in ‘tough times’?
To be loved and cherished. Someone needs to be capable of these emotions.
About those of us who like deep voices, our primate ancestry is showing
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/23/science/howler-monkey-species-deep-voice-testicle-size.html?mtrref=www.nytimes.com&assetType=nyt_now
And @mcat2 the “flower boy” is an example of classist thinking that’s been around for centuries. Murasaki’s Tale of Genji from Medieval Japan features the beautiful shining sensitive Prince Genji as its “flower boy” hero