Not a parent, 17 year old, but looking for desperate emotional help from CC parents

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m 17, male, and have nothing more to look forward to in high school. </p>

<p>Long story short, my dad has demoralized and stripped my life of everything a teenager does. Not once has he spent a moment with me, nor has he ever shown any support in anything I do.</p>

<p>He’s abusive, physically and verbally, he’s greedy, he’s isolated, he’s cocky, he’s stubborn, he’s commanding, and the list goes on and on. He’s hit me several times throughout my life, but out of college, and only college, I will never report him to the police because he makes too much money (well over six figures after taxes). I need his money to pay for the huge costs of college, rather than going into tremendous debt. </p>

<p>If he sees me having fun, he’ll force me to go work with him on his housing projects, or simply threaten me, telling me how stupid and useless I am. He’ll sometimes beat me if I don’t tell him what he wants to hear, he’ll almost immediately start shouting at me if I argue against something that I don’t agree with him on, he even ignores or doesn’t call his own mother in-law because he believes that his own time and energy could be better invested in whatever the hell he does.</p>

<p>It’s been four years, and my high school life is almost over. These four years have felt like a prison to me. I honestly never look forward to each day, it’s just a repeat of cussing, shouting, hitting, over and over again. At this current time, my ideology is that I’ve basically given up almost all of my high school years, I can wait another six months to get out of this pitiful reality. And when I start college, I’ll make sure I do everything that I was deprived of doing before. This has turned into sort of a vent, but I really don’t know where else to post this. </p>

<p>This is four years of my life written out in 10 minutes, I hope I don’t come out as cowardly, or attention-seeking, or whatever. I just want to be like any other family, happy, laughing, smiling, getting along, rather than in a state of constant turmoil…</p>

2

<p>I wish I could offer more. . .
is your mother in the picture?
will your father definitely pay for college? And you are making plans to apply and attend and live on campus somewhere?</p>

<p>Is there another adult who can be your advocate - teacher, aunt/uncle, counselor, clergy person, even parent of a friend?</p>

<p>My mother had a horrible home life and what saved her was practically living at her best friend’s house. She looked to her best friend’s mom more as her own mom I think. Are there any relationships like this in your life?</p>

<p>Finally, don’t discount talking to your guidance counselor - they have resources that you may not know about.</p>

3

<p>edladue,</p>

<p>Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! You are going to graduate from high school and attend college. Your life will be your own. You will have the rest of your life to heal and to recover. For now just focus on the fact that the next step of you life is there for the taking.</p>

<p>Please use CC as a resource. There are tremendous resources in these folks.</p>

<p>Yes, for example, the previous poster. Start making an inventory of who you can count on to help you transition. And keep us posted – we care!!!</p>

4

<p>Do seek out another adult. I am sure there is someone who cares and who can offer support. And if the abuse you describe from your father escalates, you need a safe place to go.</p>

<p>We actually took in a young man facing an abusive family life during his junior year of HS and he lived with us until after graduation as part of our family. We only learned of his situation because he was working on a project with our daughter and told her that he was afraid he could not pull his weight in it because of the situation at home. She came to me…I wrote to him…and the rest is history.</p>

<p>Point is, there are people out there who want to help and support you. And it sounds like your dad needs help as well, though I am sure that will be harder for you to make happen. </p>

<p>WE are indeed here for you. But reach out to someone IRL. </p>

<p>Best to you.</p>

5

<p>edladue- Your father is abusive. I don’t know the cause of it, but it often comes from being raised in an abusive home. Abusive people come across as controlling and scary but deep down inside, your father feels as worthless as he says you are. </p>

<p>But that is a lie. Your dad’s issues, and what he says have absolutely nothing to do with you. He’s projecting all of his fears and failures outwardly. He has created an" ideal"- unreal son as a projection of himself on to you. Every time you act like the real person you are- it enrages him. But you are meant to be exactly who you are. He’s sick and he is sad.</p>

<p>Soon you will be free of him, but as long as he is paying the college bills he will likely exert some control over you. Consider this as you choose your college for he could pull the rug out from under you. You may want to choose a less expensive one- perhaps one that would give you merit aid- if possible- so you are less dependent on him.</p>

<p>This is my other piece of advise to you. Like the other posters say- talk to a trusted adult in your community now and also if you can see a counselor. You don’t have to face this alone. When you get to college- also go to the counseling center. Some people think that you have to have serious mental issues to seek counseling but that is not the case. You have been subjected to abuse- emotional, verbal, and physical. This has a profound emotional affect on a young person. Counseling will help you understand your family dynamics- and most of all- help you have healthy relationships in the future. You certainly did not have a good role model for a healthy loving and trustful connection to people.</p>

<p>You are almost at the end of your living with him. Have hope and faith that there will be better times ahead. If your life is in danger, get away from him. If he is dangerous, call the police. Do not expect him to change and know that nothing you can do can stop this. If you are afraid someone will report him- don’t be. Consider that he is facing the consequences of child abuse.</p>

<p>It’s not about you and it never was. If he insults you, don’t take it to heart. He’s talking about himself not you.</p>

6

<p>OP-- I agree strongly with the above posters to seek out other adults and to seek counseling of some sort. There are legitimate places that even provide it for free (usually affiliated with a school training licensed counselors). Obviously, at college, they have Counseling and Psychological Services Departments. It is really important that you find a way to heal, so that once you are physically away from your dad that you can also be psychologically also (somewhat) free as well. I put in the somewhat in that we never are really free of our pasts, but we don’t have to be ruled by our pasts either. </p>

<p>As an example, you talk about doing everything in college that you were not allowed to do while living at home. This could be a very positive approach, where you seek out friends, positive experiences, interesting extracurriculars. But for someone ruled by their past, so to speak, this could be a defiant, self-destructive partying, getting thrown out of school trajectory. It could also be a young person who, at college, can’t seem to enjoy him or herself; dad isn’t there, but the internalized dad is there as the critic and killjoy. You get my drift. Counseling and even possibly meditation help with this. Counseling to process your own experiences and make sense of them, have validation for your loss (the loss of having a dad who treated you with love, kindness, and as the treasure I am sure that your are), meditation or some other avenue to regain the mental equanimity. What you describe with your dad would have you living in fear or anger a lot of the time, so being in fear/anger becomes a learned response, the default place. Meditation, Tai Chi, and stuff like that actually strengthens the calm, happy parts of the brain. Just a thought. Hugs to you.</p>

7

<p>I am not knowledgeable on this subject, but I am concerned that if the OP seeks any type of counseling, the person he sees might be a mandated reporter, who would be obliged to initiate an investigation of possible child abuse.</p>

<p>And if that happens, there will be huge disruption in the OP’s family, and the OP can kiss his college funding goodbye. </p>

<p>Is there any way for the OP to get support now without triggering a child abuse investigation? Does anyone here have knowledge on that topic?</p>

8

<p>Op can get support through a hotline, since one can call anonymously. Or he can wait until he is 18 or he can go for counseling with regard to family concerns, but not disclose the details of any extreme physical or verbal abuse… Even if he waits until he is in college, counseling would still help in the long run…</p>

9

<p>I’m a senior in high school, but I’m going through the same thing with my mom. Your dad also sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend’s dad. PM me if you wanna talk about it!!!</p>

10

<p>The advice here is good, but i just want to reiterate what pennylane2011 stated, choose your college wisely. If you can get merit aid, where you are less likely to depend on him, it may be better for you. If he is as abusive as you say he is, he may use your college funding as a control method. Only you know the circumstance.</p>

11

<p>I don’t understand this. If the OP is truly undergoing horrible abuse of the sort he is describing, does he really think that this crazy psycho is going to just write the college checks and not continue the abuse? The chances are just about zilch. I would not recommend anyone to prostitute themselves for the money to get into college. To say one has to put up with true abuse, not the regular old garden variety abuse most of us parent heap on our kids, but the kind of abuse that would get your father put up on charges, is insane. It’s not like the OP is waiting for a big fat check and he is free of the man. He will have to goose step to every demand any time. Come home, do this, take that course, you have a low grade so “whack”, no taking that major or I won’t pay. Really. </p>

<p>I think the student needs to sit down and figure out whether his father is more abusive than real life in general and what his other options are. Perhaps joining the military or finding a job and a place to live is a better choice than going off to college. When you are living in someone’s pocket, it’s very easy for that person to put the squeeze on you and you aren’t out of there when you are accepting college money. You become a prisoner of whether each check is going to come or not.</p>

<p>I grew up in an environment where there were sadly a lot of abusive parents. Beating a kid was considered the norm. Some went way too far, and those kids left and went off on their own. Some did very well that way. I had breakfast with an old high school classmate whose father was a particular beast who had the money and position to make it very difficult. In his case, when the son said he was not going to go to college because he could not bear to be hostage to all of the demands and felt it would be a life tatmount to being constantly blackmailed. ,and was truly, truly going to fly the coop, the old man capitulated and parted with the money up front that first year and toned down quite a bit when he realized that his son was truly not going to put up with it. Sadly, the second son was not so intrepid and able. He killed himself in college, driven in part by his father’s insane demands and rages and his dependance on a crazy man. That the brother had depressive streak in him was a major reason for such a drastic thing, but as my friend said, what was particularly sad was that the life his brother had for those few years in college under his father’s financial thumb were truly wretched. </p>

<p>So if you think the demands are going to end because you go off to school, you are sadly mistaken. The minute you behold yourself to anyone for something, they can make demands that can play havoc on you. Dependence on someone else is not something any adult wants to culture unless absolutely life or death necessary. College isn’t that important.</p>

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<p>I agree - if he is demanding now, it will only get worse, not better as the thought of college gets near. He has the money, he controls the purse strings. Right now, you have school as a means to get away - and if you don’t go to school, you will be considered truant, and a report will be filed.</p>

<p>You are not willing to report him until you go off to college - but what happens when he won’t pay for college? Or when he insists you take the classes he wants, the major he wants?</p>

<p>Now is the time to act. If you seek counseling, and a report is made, it is because it needs to be made. It is better to have that disruption now than while away at college. If it is bad enough, the OP will be removed from the home - and if that happens, he is likely to qualify as an independent student for FAFSA purposes. He may be far better off supporting himself through college, rather than trying to please his father.</p>

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<p>OP, I am so sorry you’re in this horrible situation. No matter what your father says, remember that you do not deserve this kind of treatment. Please, if you need someone to talk to, FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO, even if it’s an anonymous support group on the internet. Or are there any anonymous real-life support groups in your town, perhaps?</p>

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<p>Well, it sounds like the father is wealthy and he may well pay for college to keep up with appearances. (Especially if the abuse takes place in private and the dad keeps a “nicey-nice” face on in public, as some abusers do.)</p>

<p>OP, I can see your logic in wanting to “hang in there” and get your dad to pay for college. But I think the last two posts do make legitimate points, in that he may still try to control you (with money). I would try to get a college physically far away from him, if that is possible, and with lots of financial aid, again if possible. (I realize this may be difficult/unlikely if your dad is rich.) </p>

<p>If your dad starts backing out of paying for college, like “I’ll pay for it next year IF YOU [do this or that]” then IMO he is probably not going to pay at all and is stringing you along.</p>

<p>In either case, I think it would be a good idea to make plans on how to get by if you DO end up on your own. Like, make sure you know how to do household chores, get a realistic ideas of living expenses wherever you live, and get job experience, or at the very least volunteer experience, to make getting a job easier if you do end up on your own. I’m not saying it will come down to that, but better safe than sorry, right?</p>

<p>You know what else I would do? I would start documenting his abuse in a notebook you keep hidden away. (WELL hidden, of course.) Every name he calls you, I would note down the time, the place, what he said, what was happening at the time. Every time he physically hurts you, write down what he did, the date, the time, and if there is any bruising take a picture of it. If push comes to shove, if he will NOT pay for your college education, you may be able to legally separate yourself from him using this evidence, so that the college is only looking at YOUR income and not his.</p>

14

<p>Well, my dad hit me again today. Slammed a door on me. This is really beginning to turn me inside out…</p>

<p>My mom just shouts and says bad things back to my dad. She’s always wanted a divorce, but she needs my dads money to support us. </p>

<p>Thanks to all the posters, I really appreciate the feedback. I just hope college will be a better place for me once this year is over.</p>

15

<p>After reading the comments, my dad does keep a nice appearance outside in public, but he’s a monster at home. Two different identities.</p>

<p>As for if my dad will pay, he will. He’s said it up front to me as well. So I am really a prisoner to him, but this is mylast year, so I’m just waiting it out now.</p>

<p>I’m applying to Emory, about 8 hours away from St Louis missouri. This way, I can live without having to watch my back, and I can get back at my dad as he will have to pay full fright for me to go there, about 60k a year. I guess you can call this revenge, but I feel I deserve some chance to get back at him.</p>

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<p>edladue, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I want you to be very careful in your college selection. Your father says he’s going to pay but is he a man who keeps his word? He sounds like the type who might cut funding if he gets angry. If he ever goes cut funding, you would be much better off at a more affordable college. Just something to consider. I wish you the best of luck.</p>

17

<p>

This is a bad strategy. It’s one of pure emotion and not in your own strategic best interests. This will only put you that much more under his control. Is that really what you want? I agree with pugmadkate - you’re better off going to a college that you could continue at reasonably if he cuts you off at some point.</p>

<p>In addition, where do you think this money is really coming from? You can consider it to be money that may eventually be used to support your mother and other family members. How significant this point is depends on the family economic situation.</p>

<p>I agree with you in that you should try to attend a college that’s not too convenient to where your dad lives - you need to get out of there.</p>

<p>Remember - your father has absolutely no right to abuse you. Since your mother apparently is unable or unwilling to stand up for you in an effective way (willing to trade abuse for $$$), it’s up to you to weigh the situation and make the decision of toughing this out or figuring out a way to get out of the situation including getting authorities involved, perhaps seeing if there are relatives you can live with, etc. It probably comes down to the degree of abuse and the alternatives you might have available. In the meantime, lay as low as you can to stay out of his anger points and hopefully out of reach of his hands. Use this experience as a lesson of what NOT to do once you have your own family or interact with others. This isn’t how normal families behave. Also remember that ‘you’ are not causing this to happen - your father has an emotional problem and is unable to control himself. It’s important that you realize that ‘you’ aren’t the problem, your father is and you’re a victim in all of this.</p>

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<p>Your plan to choose an expensive college as revenge may backfire. You’re going to be at his beck and call for every penny needed to attend college. You may experience less physical abuse, but be prepared for the day when he gets mad and decides to cut the flow of money to you. Be smart in choosing your college. If he’s as belligerent and psycho as you describe, you may find yourself having to pay for it yourself.</p>

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<p>And your mom needs to be exploring her own options. At the very least, she needs to be talking to a counselor at a domestic violence hotline. Because of the work a lot of brave women have done, there are many hotlines and even emergency shelters all over the country. You can make your own plans, but also look for hotline information and give it to her to keep in a very safe place.</p>

<p>You have lots of support.</p>