<p>I can hardly believe it, but my wonderful son is 20 years old today.</p>
<p>Part of me feels that it was just yesterday that my ex and I were separating, and he was helping me move my stuff (and a lot of his) into the apartment I"m now going to be leaving in a couple of weeks. Even though it was ten years ago, and he was only a tiny little 5th-grader, barely four feet tall, who walked around with his shoelaces untied, and still surrounded himself with stuffed animals at night, and needed me to stay with him until he fell asleep. (Especially in the new place.)</p>
<p>And now, here he is, no longer a teenager, a couple of months from being halfway through college, all grown up and incredibly independent, and inspiring complete trust in me that he’s ready to spend the fall studying abroad in Vienna. </p>
<p>I don’t think I ever understood, until the last ten years or so, what people always said about your kids growing up so fast. It doesn’t even seem all that long ago that I held him in my arms for the first time, a minute or so after he was born, and fell head over heels in love with him (to the extent I wasn’t already!) – a state I’ve remained in ever since, and I have a feeling always will.</p>
<p>Paradoxically, though, it’s also true, in a way, that his teen years seemed to take a very long time. It isn’t as if he had the easiest road to travel to get through those years. He had so much to deal with, after all. Like having to get through his parents’ very difficult and often hostile five-year divorce process; my ex and I did our best not to put him in the middle, but I know that’s how he felt a lot of the time. And that it was extremely difficult for him. </p>
<p>And like having his father go through a gender change when he was 15 years old, something he’d known about only for a year or so. Just because he was never anything less than loving and accepting, doesn’t mean it was an easy thing for him to deal with. I don’t think that process is easy for any child of a trans parent, unless they’re so young they simply accept it as their reality. </p>
<p>And like having to deal not once but twice with my being suddenly and extremely ill, and coming close to losing me.</p>
<p>And, last but not least, like his own coming-out process, beginning when he was 12 or so, in a small school where for quite some time he was the only “out” gay kid. In a world that’s more accepting than it used to be but still has a long way to go.</p>
<p>Being a teenager is hard under the best of circumstances. But I think his adolescence was more difficult, and eventful, than most. </p>
<p>I think we’re all damaged in some ways by life, and the world, and what we experience growing up. (I certainly was!) But considering what J. has been through, I think he’s come out the other end of his teen years amazingly well. I admire him so much, and I’m so proud of him. Not just for his academic achievements by any means. I really had no doubt that he would stand out academically even at the University of Chicago. And he has. (I’m obviously biased, but I’ve been around unusually brilliant people my entire life, and I know one when I see one!) But much more importantly, he’s a fundamentally good and kind and empathetic person. And he’s happy. And flourishing in so many ways. And has not just one or two, but a whole lot of wonderful friends who, I think, really, really like him! (13 of them are taking him out to dinner tonight.)</p>
<p>I don’t want to embarrass myself by continuing to sing his praises excessively, so suffice it to say that I can’t even think of him without smiling, and without being happy for him. </p>
<p>I don’t take credit for who he is, and how things have turned out for him (so far). When I look back, I can think of so many ways I could have been a better parent, and made better choices. But I did try to do the best I could, the way I saw it at the time, and I do sincerely believe that he’s never doubted for a minute, in his whole life, that I love him. </p>
<p>20 years. Wow. I sort of feel that I was given this tiny little helpless being, like a little seedling, and accepted the responsibility for “watering” him – taking care of him and loving him and nurturing him and protecting him – all to help him grow up healthy and happy. And now he is all grown up! </p>
<p>Given all the things that can go wrong (see the kiss your children goodnight thread), I feel incredibly fortunate.</p>
<p>Not that I think my job (far and away the most important job I’ve ever had) is over, of course! But 20 years is still something of a milestone.</p>
<p>Anyway, I’m wishing my J. the happiest of birthdays, and sending him my love telepathically, just as I did on the phone this morning!</p>
<p>Donna</p>
because the word has such positive energy and isn’t that really what happens with our kids - they are sculpted from all that we give them, all the froces and all that “happens” to them along the way…</p>