<p>30+ years ago, I had it with my father’s unreasonable strictness even though I was a straight A student. I moved out, very similar to your daughter, and moved in with my girlfriend’s family. My father threatened not to pay for my private LAC education if I didn’t move back. Head strong I was, I applied to my in state school and based on my grades I was given a full ride (tuition, room and board). My father admired my gumption and he also realized he longer could use money to control me.</p>
<p>I will always respect my father for throwing away his pride to come to me and hear what I had to say. We didn’t agree on everything that day, but it showed me how much I mattered to him. I know it must have been very hard for him, as a Asian father, to take the first step. A few years ago, 2 grandchildren later, he said to me, “You are a good mom. I wish I’ve done things a bit differently when you were growing up.” I am grateful that my dad took the high road because I really didn’t want to be out of the house.</p>
<p>I understand what your saying and we dont control her like that her social life is pretty well full and we have had many parties here at the house on the lake on the boat and jet skii we dont expect them to go to school and home an occasional football game or two its been fast paced there whole life I was the neighborhood mom that spent the summers on the lake with all the kids on and off the lake, but things have changed since her sister moved out after graduation she doesnt want to spend time here with her friends she would rather go with them and she does , thats fine we ask where shes going and when we should expect her back I dont tell, I ask.</p>
<p>Freedom has not been her problem if you was to ask her she would tell you she doesnt have enough to do away from home lol but we dont control that either.</p>
<p>The biggest was her going to Florida with her boy friend and his family and some friends last spring break, then a couple concerts over the summer and Cedar Point this fall , she does have a life.</p>
<p>My issue with my father was my personal freedom. Your problem with your daughter now is her perceived restriction on where she wants to go to school. Like my father 30 years ago, you need to put away your own personal view on what’s best for your daughter and listen to what she wants.</p>
<p>There are at least 5 reasons I want her to go out west but her dad has 1 and thats what hes willing to pay we have talked about it for the past 5 days and he keeps saying the samething im not paying 12,000 when I can pay 7000.00. she hasnt even gotten the drive to fill out the scholarship applications so whos paying she isnt doing what she needs to do to get what she wants she hanging out with Katie and wasting time so, why pick up the slack and just pay for what ever school she wants.</p>
<p>Jolee, I respect your parenting decisions. I think a parent gets to determine where the limits are and how to enforce them while bearing in mind that once a kid is 18 he/she also gets to decide how many of those limits they intend to follow in their adult life.</p>
<p>However, keep in mind that if you issue an ultimatum your D may well take you up on it. So if you tell her, “go to this college or else we won’t pay” she may well decide not to go to college at all. Or she will find a way to pay for a college you don’t approve of. Or she’ll move in with a bunch of her friends who ARE in college and since she can’t afford tuition, will get a minimum wage job to pay her share of the rent and then party all weekend (she won’t have homework or studying since she’s not in school).</p>
<p>So as a parent it’s often wise to be wary of these “my way or the highway” conversations. </p>
<p>Your D’s interests may well have changed since middle school, and that’s understandable. Your financial situation or limitations may have changed since middle school, and that of course is your business. What hasn’t changed is that if you get into a dynamic with her where your goals and aspirations for her are more important than her own goals, the whole conversation about college might be moot. She may decide that waitressing at a diner and living with her friends is a better solution than attending the college you’ve picked out for her and are willing to pay for… and since you won’t consider a different option… you’ve dug her into a hole she may never get out of.</p>
<p>Do you really want her trying to make it as an adult without a college education AND without the support of her parents?</p>
<p>Could she be looking to this 20 year old friend as a sister? Is she missing her real sister? </p>
<p>Maybe you should consider calling her up right now and suggest that all of you go out for a nice dinner. Sometimes it’s easier to talk at a neutral site–without the current bad Karma that’s probably associated with some of the more recent dinner conversations at the dinner table in your home. If you have a favorite restaurant with a history of your family having good times, take her there tonight. Remind her that you remember what is was like to be 17 years old and scared of leaving behind childhood and having to enter adulthood. Most importantly–listen and reflect back to her what she says to you. Be her sounding board. </p>
<p>Let her know that she does indeed have choices.</p>
<p>She can pay for what ever college she wants too she could even get a free ride if she started getting her scholarship apps filled out but shes just playing around , theres one thing I know about her for sure is she wont be a poor girl lol she was pulling money out of the couch cushions at 3 yr old and has earned money over the yrs and has had a savings account for 8yrs with hundreds of dollars in it. Business Finance is her interest and I know why.</p>
<p>Jolee, a savings account with hundreds of dollars in it will last her exactly two days if she needs a security deposit and first/last months rent on a crappy apartment somewhere.</p>
<p>You seem to be missing the point we are making. Of course she could get a free ride somewhere. Of course she could be applying for merit scholarships. Of course she could just give in and go where you and her father want her to go.</p>
<p>But she’s not. And there’s a reason. And you don’t seem to want to learn more about the reason… you just want to vent that your D is out of control and ungrateful despite all the sacrifices you’ve made.</p>
<p>We all feel that way about our kids sometimes. Those of us who have been in your shoes are trying to help you see that you can either make this situation worse or make it better. You seem determined to make it worse- so good luck to you and godspeed to your daughter.</p>
<p>We took her to a chinese dinner and we did discuss the issues and she said she didnt want to leave home but couldnt deal with the stress I told her that would change she was happy about that and said she would come home after the weekend well i was told yesterday she might be staying with Katie for another 2 wks. So im just sitting here dealing with that.</p>
<p>Just wanted to point out that lots of schools not affiliated w/ the LDS church have LDS student groups. It isn’t as though she would neccessarily be set adrift amoungst kids with whom she had no commonality of faith. Your D wants options but more importantly she wants to know that your love for her is not linked to her college choice. You seem to be letting her down in a big way.</p>
<p>I picture your D, perhaps incorrectly, as a girl who is ready to make her own life decisions but who is worried and scared that making those decisions will cost her her parents’ love. </p>
<p>She has changed her mind about attending a very specific program at a specific school geared toward a specific major and has already experienced a taste of what “making her own life decisons” will do to her family relationships. You have lived down to her expectations. She is angry and hurt and as other posters have said it is exceedingly likely that she will neither bend to your will or wish to maintain a relationship with you on your terms unless you step up and make this right.</p>
<p>This is a very sad story. The saddest part is that she is the wounded one. You and your H have hurt her yet and you are acting like she is the one in the wrong.</p>
<p>Oh now shes wounded LOL,…how dramatic she was wounded when we didnt want her boy friend to go out west with her , read between the lines. He wasnt even going to school he was just following her he didnt want to wait til her breaks. 3 wks ago nobody was stopping her from going.</p>
<p>You guys are being ■■■■■■■ I suspect. For one look at jolee’s post count and for another look at her claims about the cost of tuition for community college (12,000??) and for in state public ($35,000).</p>
<p>I just googled michigan community colleges and michigan state. Community college tuition is around $3000 for an in-district student for two semesters; Michigan State tuition is about $10,000 per year for Michigan residents.</p>
<p>Jolee, I’ve read all your posts and skimmed or read the others to follow the conversation. I think the parents and the kid are approaching this thing so rigidly that there will be no solution unless someone loses big. It’s right that you and your husband have presented a united front thus far because that’s what couples should do. You sound like you might be a bit more flexible than your husband and I think that may present an opportunity to act as something of a mediator. You could sit down with your husband and your daughter–forgetting, for the time being, about “which college”-- and come up with a list of all that you feel is important to consider when choosing a college to attend (location, program of study, opportunity for research, proximity to friends, cost to parents, cost to daughter, graduation rate, post-grad employment rate, etc…). If all three of you pledge to keep “which college” off the table for this discussion, all concerned will gain a little insight into each other’s “issues”. After everyone’s considerations are listed, draw up a matrix with each consideration heading up a column from left to right on the top of the matrix and spaces for different colleges (blank spaces) down the left side of the matrix from top to bottom. Have your daughter (alone) take this empty matrix and go off on her own to fill it in ranking each consideration for each college (of her choosing–BYU has to be one of them) from one to ten. When she’s done, she brings it back to you (and hubby or not) to discuss. Repeat the process as necessary. If your way truly is the only way, that will become apparent; it it’s not, you’ll work something out…hopefully. This is how my daughter evaluated the 19 schools she visited to decide which to apply to, as well as how she chose between the ones she was accepted to.</p>
<p>No im thinking that she needs to read this all 5 pages she would agree with some and laugh at most , you act like your picturing a small frail girls curled up in a corner quivering with fear.</p>
<p>Shes a strong tall athletic very attractive and knows it lol girl.
she’ll be fine :)</p>