I am glad you have found a support base though support groups and hopefully a counselor. One of the things about those groups is that people can share their stories, about coming out, and so forth. One of the things I would counsel is to take this slow, if you have decided you are trans and want to transition, keep in mind this is just the beginning, you have a lot of things you need to decide, work out, opening the door to who you are is only the first step. The whole Caitlyn Jenner thing that is in another thread to me is one reason to think about taking it slow (or rather, not rushing), I think it shows that the decision to transition has a lot floating around it and rushing it can make it more difficult IME.
I wouldn’t put it on facebook or any other broad announcement. Unless you are planning to go full time shortly as your male self, unless you are planning to present and expect to be identified as male, get your id changed, I would slowly start to talk to people and build a kind of support base. A friend of mine did that when she transitioned, and it really helped her. I think if you do that, you will find people willing to listen and accept you, a lot of the times the people you expect to reject you will accept you, and those you thought would be a slam dunk will reject you. By taking it slow, getting your thoughts together, and building the foundation, people I think will be a lot more likely to come around. I hate to say it, but throwing it out on facebook is like dumping a bucket of cold water on people, and they will react like that. Facebook and other social media posts are probably better left when you are going to go full time, when you have let the people who really mean something to you know. Face to face is better, but even an e-mail or phone call will work better IME.
The old expression that the journey is often more valuable than the end state is very, very true here, transition is a process where you kind of learn how to be the person you want to.
Let me add my voice to those advising you NOT to do this via FB. You don’t have to tell your parents first, especially if they have already been non-supportive, but you probably have friends and relations who deserve better from you.
I am a big believer in communicating truly surprising and potentially earth-shattering or highly divisive news by letter first, so that the recipient can read and absorb and think about it in private before reacting. Email is a second choice, because it is still too easy for the person to react in a way that they will later regret. I think that the written communication should close with the invitation to discuss the matter in person later.
I also heartily endorse the advice to get support, which I gather you are doing.
Best of luck to you, and remember you have many supporters right here on CC.
I hope you do not do the initial announcement on Facebook. There are people out there who love you and will support you. Give them a chance to do it in person. This is good news, happy news: you are finally going to present as the person you are. Tell your friends, and those family members you are close to and think will be supportive, the good news in person.
If you don’t want to talk to your parents write them a letter. We have friends whose daughter transitioned to male a few years ago. They were actually fine with him being a lesbian, but were worried that he was making irreversible physical changes too soon, They let their friends know what was going on and I think most people were very supportive. I know as a parent I would hate to find this out via facebook.
The very best to you on your journey, psyche_. I would strongly advise against coming out first on Facebook – I think it’s important to retain as much control of the process as possible, and coming out all at once on Facebook may sound appealing in the same way as “ripping off the bandaid” and getting it over with, but also almost guarantees that you lose control. Do you have any close friends who don’t know yet who you think might be accepting? If so, I’d start with them first. That way you can start building up a supportive base of people who know, before you take the next step of coming out to those who might not be supportive. Certainly, as an adult, you’re under no obligation whatsoever to tell your parents first. Especially given their reaction to your original coming-out. My mother died when I was 20, but I didn’t tell my father and other close relatives until less than a year before I transitioned to living full-time as myself, some years after telling some trusted friends and being part of support groups both in real life and online.
So please wait until you’re ready. And if you don’t want to tell them in person, a letter isn’t a bad idea – that’s how I came out to my aunt and uncle and my three first cousins, not because I expected a negative reaction (they all turned out to be very accepting), but because none of them lived close to me. (If you do tell your parents in person, perhaps you could bring a close friend with you so you know you have someone on your side?)
Since you’ve said before that you’re interested in a physical transition even more than a social one, do you have a trans-friendly endocrinologist or other doctor who can prescribe what you need? I know that there are both trans women and trans men who buy hormones on the black market and transition on a “do-it-yourself” basis – some because they don’t trust doctors and some because they’re afraid to see one or there isn’t anyone near where they live – but I’m sure you can imagine that I don’t recommend it!
I’m afraid I can’t give much specific advice, though – I’ve met a lot of trans guys over the years, but I’m not currently in touch with any of them. I know I gave you the name of one trans man whose blog I think is really good, and suggested that you might try writing to him. Knowing other people who are going or have gone through the same thing you are (at least knowing them online) is so important, at least in my opinion.
In the end, everybody has to decide for themselves how they want to live and if they need to transition. No therapist can tell you that. And from everything I’ve seen you write, I trust that you’ll make the right decision for yourself. And if you try it (especially the medical aspects) and decide that it’s not for you? There’s no shame in changing your mind, either.
Donna’s advice hit the nail on the head IMO, she expressed pretty much everything I was trying to say, only in readable form. And I reaffirm totally that if you are going to take hormones, find a doctor, preferably an endocrinologist, to work with. All hormones have risks, and more importantly, no two people react the same way, some people get a low dose of hormones and they end up with dangerous blood levels of various things, others take a blockbuster dose and it is like nothing happened. This is especially true with testosterone and other male hormones, they are very strong.
BTW, the D of a friend of mine transitioned to become her S, but retained the same name. This is actually a feminine nickname, and gender neutral choices requiring only a slight change were easily available. (Think someone who was called Maxie as a female transitioning to Max. Like that.)
Obviously it is his choice what he wants to be called, but it would have made things easier for his family if he had been willing to make the change. Actually, I think it would also be better for him in the long run in terms of presenting as a man, so who knows.
Anyway, it’s something you might want to consider and discuss with those who have experienced a transition.