A few months ago, I outed myself on CC as questioning my gender, something I’ve been doing with various degrees of depth for over a year. I’ve decided that, after much, much careful thought and research that I do want to transition to male (I’m born female). I don’t want to live the rest of my life “pushing down” my true gender and always wondering “what if” I would have taken steps to give myself the body that my brain was wired for. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life knowing I’m male and dong nothing about it. I know the route to get there will be long, hard, expensive, exhausting, and somewhat hellish–trust me when I say that this isn’t a minor decision or one that I made easily or on a whim. But I figure in five years, I can either have done this and be me, or I can still be trapped in the same place of not-really denial, and I’d much rather have the formal than the latter.
My question–and I’d be open to anyone’s take, trans or not–is how I should come out. By doing this, I risk losing–and likely will lose–pretty much every single person who matters to me. Among them are my family, my friends, my sorority sisters, and a few dear, dear mentors who adore me and treat me well, because I am female. This is going to be hell, and I know it. Because of this, I kind of want to come out on Facebook. Not because I’m an attention monger, but because I’d rather lose the people who I’m going to lose all at once and then have a personal, private conversation with every single person who I love who is going to reject me. I’d rather take it as a huge body blow at once and get up from there than bleed out from a million paper cuts.
Just remember that no matter what happens, you will always have a supportive community of (certain) people here on CC. I also recommend using the “block” feature on here (as needed) as you might quickly need it for a handful of posters.
I’d suggest finding a mentor or counselor in the trans community and having their support before going public on facebook or otherwise. That way you won’t be all alone while you go through that.
I have no words of advice to offer other than best of wishes. I’d be most concerned about immediate family - are they open minded, aware at some level?
A good friend has a D who wishes to become male but this is a person with some other dysfunctions so it’s hard to parse out the truth. But you know yours. Again, best of wishes.
I believe there are various trans sites where people with experience in this can help guide you. CC people are caring but I don’t believe this is something we have much experience with.
I agree with others about finding mentors who have experience going through this for guidance and support. However, if I was a close friend or a family member, I would prefer to hear about it first hand from you rather than finding out on facebook. I think finding out that way might be hurtful to me. After hearing, I’d give you a big hug - and I send you a virtual one now. Are there some people in your life that you feel will be more supportive and accepting that you can go to first? Take care of the easier conversations first?
As a parent, I would accept my children no matter what, but I would be VERY hurt if I had to find out something like this on the Internet. I think you should tell those closest to you in person, or as close to that as you can get. Good luck. It could be a difficult time, but it sounds like you have made up your mind.
In addition to a mentor and counselor you should seek out a support group where you will find a wealth of information and advice both on coming out and on the road ahead.
I agree that a FB post could be shocking in a ungrateful way. Even an email would be better than FB. When I read something urgent, important or very personal on FB, I often think - “oh my- so many people are seeing this outside of who it was meant for!!!” - unless you were planning to do a multi-person private message.
As well said above, seek some professional help/mentor first so that you have someone outside of your personal life to lean on. Hugs and one step at a time!
The transformation process requires psych consults. You might be wise to contact a LGBTQ group in your area to find a mental health professional who can help in the transition. S/he can also help you decide how best to communicate with your family and friends.
Perhaps you might compose a letter and mail them all the same day. That would get it all done at once but be a lot more respectful than sharing it on the Internet. After a few days to let your closer relationships know then you could let the broader community know via Facebook.
I would advise telling your immediate family first and in person. Next I would tell my dearest friends. After that, I don’t know that I’d owe the telling to anyone really. Just be who you are. Please get support from those who have gone before you. I’m sure it would be invaluable. Best wishes on your new journey.
Hard to believe this timing but just last week good friends told us their D had transitioned to male. And I admit that it was a shock at first. But after the shock wore off the first concern is their D, now son and how he is doing.
And also how his parents were taking it. His parents are pretty open minded but mom was finding it more difficult although she was very supportive. It was difficult–still is in most respects–to get used to the idea but the love never stopped for their now son. The most important thing was that their son now feels whole and seems to be thriving.
We are good friends of the family and I know it was hard for them to tell us not knowing exactly how we would react even though they’ve known us for years.They probably practiced on us. Like I said–it was a shock of sorts. But not a lasting shock–everybody will get over it and make the change after they wrap their minds around it.
Changing gender is a foreign concept to most people and while this concerns you and your choices specifically I would hope you’ll be tolerant of your family’s feelings as they get used to the idea of having a son/brother rather than the daughter/sister they grew up with. Same with your friends. Give them a chance. If they love you now, they’ll love you afterwards.
I would not use Facebook to break any news such as this nor any other social media at any time. Start with those closest to you and tell whom you want to personally. The circle of people who know will grow as they let other friends/family know. And remember the internet never goes away–there may be a time when you present yourself as strictly male and don’t necessarily want to proclaim ever being female to new friends or future employers by way of an old facebook page. Not to mention that most close friends and family would take great offense that such important
news of a loved one was relegated to facebook status.
I hate to be the voice of caution, but I am very discomfited by your posting history. Over the years you have posted many threads about your sundry situations - you felt like an old maid, a friend was asexual, you were bisexual, you broke up with a girlfriend, etc. I think you need to find a competent psychologist or psychiatrist to make sure you are absolutely clear-headed about where you are going.
Secondly, I would not assume that everyone is going to reject you. If you present with that attitude, they WILL reject you because you will be bitter and hateful. It will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I should add that I’ve been involved in trans support groups and have talked to other trans folk both IRL and online, so I’m well-situated there, as well as medically (I’ve decided to go the informed consent route for a number of reasons and found a good local clinic). I didn’t want to come out to my friends or family before I knew that transition was right for me.
Frankly, as harsh as this may sound, I don’t care about whether or not my parents would be hurt if I told my friends before them. When I came out as not straight, they were dismissive and invalidating to the point of heartbreak and I know that they would be even less okay with trans stuff. They are wonderful parents in other regards, but for some reason, they are really really not with LGBTQIA stuff and are the last close people in my life I’d want to come out to, literally. I had an idea that they weren’t going to be okay with me not being straight, and I was right. I told them last and was so glad that I had built up support from other people in my life when I did, because they were so invalidating and harsh and have continued to be so (at least with regards to this one specific issue).
S came out to strangers on the internet, close friends, and close family before posting for friend groups on Facebook, where he got a very supportive response. It depends on the target audience. Parents and siblings have different expectation than general friend groups.
At a powerful and challenging time like this, its understandable to be focused on how you will feel and how your friends/family’s reactions will affect you. But as part of that, you want to be mindful of how this will affect them, and give them permission to go through the myriad of emotions that they will. So step back and anticipate that the first reaction they have will hopefully not be the last, and that those who truly care about you will come around to be supportive and accepting. Best of luck- but agree-- not on facebook!
I still think coming out as gay is a heck of a lot more understandable for most people than a gender transition. I have seen people on my FB feed come out as gay and there are tons of “likes” and supportive comments. But I think that’s because most sensible people these days see being gay as, fundamentally, as inconsequential as being left-handed (in that - I don’t need to interact with you any differently, etc.). I think people don’t really quite yet know how to handle someone they’ve known as one gender now becoming the other and I think you might be disappointed in not getting as many “likes” as a gay-announcement might. It is a significant identity change in a way that being gay isn’t, IMO.
I wish you the best of luck and am sorry that your parents may not offer the support that you need. Listen closely to the advice you receive in your support groups. You will hear of people who received love and support and those that faced anger and disappointment from family and friends. While I can understand that posting your transition on facebook may be easier for you, try to think of the reaction of those who are close to you. They may be hurt that you did not speak with them privately. You may need them as a support system as you transition and they may need a little time and understanding of the process in order to be there for you.