<p>Took me just over 50 mins–its really rough though…</p>
<p>Conscience </p>
<p>Conscience is the most powerful motivator. Some people think humans lack moral integrity. Self interest to achieve fame and money is the prime motivating factor. However, this is not the case. Under the most pressing circumstance, turmoil brings out the best qualities in humans. There are many examples in history and society. Wealthy factory owner, Oskar Schindler saved many Jewish people during World War two. In addition, Gandhi gave up a high-ranking position in the Supreme Court to fight for Indian rights and autonomy. And Pat Tillman gave up a lucrative career in the National Football League to fight for democratic rights.</p>
<p>After witnessing horrible human atrocities in Poland , Oskar Schindler conscience compelled him to help the Jewish. Schindler was a German who lived in Poland during World War 2. He was very wealthy and owned several large production plants. During the war he saw many inhuman acts being done to Jewish people. Eventhough he was German, he didn’t think killing innocent Jewish people was right. Therefore, he used his wealth to protect more than 1, 200 Jewish. Often, he would hire Jewish war prisoners before they were taken extermination camps of Treblinka. He also protected the children. He would bribe the Nazi SS guards and send them to Czechoslavakia where nuns were stationed. He faced many difficulties during these times but was able to bribe the Nazi guards. Schindler was able to save all of Jewish workers. But, lost his fortune from bribing the Nazi’s. Schindler shows that conscience is a more powerful motivator when human life is concerned. </p>
<p>Gandhi, wasn’t motivated by the holocaust, he was compelled to enhance the lives of Indians. Early in his career, Gandhi was a successful lawyer in South Africa. In fact, he was the fist black to be appointed to the Supreme Court. After witnessing racial discrimination in South Africa he felt compelled to improve conditions. Gandhi started the Natal Indian Party to fight for the civil rights of Indian miners, textile and farm workers. He used non-violent demonstration to fight for better conditions. During many rallies he was beaten, flogged and hit. He was also jailed for several years in unhealthy jails. Did Gandhi quit? No, this strengthen his resolve. Eventually he was able to bring the brutal conditions to awareness. As a result, the Natal Government repealed the Black Act discriminating against Indian immigrants. He didn’t stop in South Africa. He traveled back to India and won independence for the country. Gandhi shows conscience is more powerful when basic rights are lacking. </p>
<p>Pat Tillman, gave up a lucractive career to follow his conscience. Tillman was a safety for the Arizona Cardinals of the National Football League… After the Taliban terrorist attacks on September 9,2001 he felt compelled to fight for democracy. He turned down a lengthy three and a half million dollar per year contract to join US Rangers. He believed democractic rights were more important than his football career. He made serveral tours of duty. He made the ultimate sacrifice. He was killed in Afghanistan fighting for democracy. This shows that under the most pressing circumstances conscience is a more powerful motivator than money. </p>
<p>In conclusion, under the most pressing cirucumstances conscience become the most powerful motiving factor. Money and fame are foregone. The primary motivation is helping those who are suffering. This is shown when athletes, and business men give up wealthy careers and risk their lives to help.</p>
<p>Okay in response to the two posts above: Grammar is NOT an important issue when the grader only has one minute to read your essay. Also, factual errors won’t kill you (though you should have known that Gandhi wasn’t black). </p>
<p>If you just work on your transitions and put a little sparkle in your conclusion, you can easily improve. Be sure to vary your sentence structure. Too many of your sentences go like “noun verb…”. You can add variety to demonstrative phrases like “this shows”. </p>
<p>I feel that you give ample examples but not enough connection to the thesis. Develop each idea not by purely adding details, but by explaining those details. Keep the coherence!</p>
<p>Now the tough part is to do all of that in 25 minutes :)</p>
<p>thesis; Conscience is the most powerful motivator</p>
<p>p1-After witnessing horrible human atrocities in Poland , Oskar Schindler conscience compelled him to help the Jewish.
-evidence–he saved jewish people by hiring them and bribing officals–he lost his fortune as a result</p>
<p>p2–Gandhi, wasn’t motivated by the holocaust, he was compelled to enhance the lives of Indians.–he saw racism against indians so he did something about it-and gave up a successful career.</p>
<p>p3 --pat tillman–Pat Tillman, gave up a lucractive career to follow his conscience
evidence he died</p>
<p>anyways, a little rough. But i think i have to explain how their conscience compelled them to make a difference…conscience is too general…</p>
<p>why do you have to talk about gandhi not being motivated by the holocaust. second, what’s the Indian Natal Party?</p>
<p>you won’t be compromised for factual errors per se but you can count on it that the readers know gandhi wasn’t black and at least subconciously, that’ll earn you negative points.</p>
<p>I found the main problem. its not grammar and stuff. </p>
<p>Its the thesis. I didn’t have the whole prompt so i couldn’t form a good thesis.</p>
<p>Prompt- A mistakenly cynical view of human behavior holds that people are primarily driven by selfish motives: the desire for wealth, for power, or for fame. Yet history shows us many examples of individuals who have sacrificed their own welfare for a cause or a principle that they regarded as more important than their own lives. Conscience-that powerful voice that tells us what is right and what is wrong-can be a more compelling force than money, power, of fame.</p>
<p>Assignment- Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power? Plan and write an essay that develops your ideas logically. Support your opinion with specific evidence taken from your personal experience, your observations of others, or your reading.</p>
<p>New thesis: Conscience is the inner voice that tells us what is right from wrong, that guides us in our lives.</p>
<p>example one Eventhough Schindler was German, he didn’t think killing innocent Jewish people was right.</p>
<p>example two; Ganhdi didn’t think discrimination against Indians was right so he fought for its abolishment</p>
<p>example three; Tillman didn’t didn’t think terrorism was right so he turned down the NFL</p>